Complex

"So, confession time. I've never tutored anyone before," I say once we reach the library.

"Really," he says flatly. "I think you may have oversold your qualifications."

"Yeah, I actually have no idea what I'm doing."

"Well, that makes two of us. I've never been tutored before."

"Brainiac."

"Nerd."

"That's me, one of those rare nerdy jocks. At least I'm not a band geek like you."

"There aren't any guitars in band."

"Huh. Orchestra?"

"Nope."

"Choir?"

"I'm more of a soloist. Lone wolf. Ya know?"

"And here I thought I was the wolf in this friendship."

I smile. He smiles back. Just slightly, but Goddess, I missed his smile.

His lips turn down into a frown, but the softest blush graces his cheeks. "Stop that."

"What? What did I do?" I ask bewildered.

"You said you weren't going to flirt with me."

"Wha— You said you weren't going to read my mind!"

"I didn't."

"Then—"

"You just—" He bites his lower lip. So cute. "I said stop! Ulg!"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Yes you did! You're feeling all… warm and fuzzy."

Now it's my turn to blush. "Sorry," I mumble, but I can't wipe the smile off my face.

"You're not really sorry, Cam."

"Nope. Guess I'm not as good at controlling my emotions as I think."

"Ulg! You're the literal worst." But I don't believe he means it, because the tiny smile returns to his lips.

"Maybe we should just focus on precalculus."

"Maybe we should."

"Right... So, we could just start by going over what questions you got wrong on the tests."

"Um… that might be a problem." He pulls a couple packets of paper from his book bag. I look over the first test, trying to keep the astonishment out of my expression. 21%. "You don't have to hide your surprise, Cam. I know. It's bad."

I flip through the pages. It looks like the first half of the test he tried to answer some of the questions, but then gave up halfway through. The second half is completely blank. The only questions he answered correctly, I notice, are from material we covered in the first week of class.

I reach for the second test. He catches my arm, momentarily stopping me, but then seems to relent and releases me.

In contrast, the pages of this test are covered, chaotic, but a large red zero still is circled at the top right next to his name. Instead of formulas and numbers, Alastair has filled the test with black inked scribbles so close together it is difficult to decipher exactly what he was doing. Most of the writing appears to be music, but he's crossed through all of the stanzas or made them completely illegible with geometric doodles. I think some of the darker scribbles are covering words, maybe lyrics, but I can't be sure. My gaze stops on the third page where one mostly intact line remains.

"—loved her silence [scribble] long for her defiance [scribble] ended in violence"

A sharp pain shoots through my chest.

"Cam," his voice breaks. "please—please don't cry." I was sitting across from him at the library table, but now I stand up to move to his side. I wrap my arms around him. He tries to push me away, but I pull him closer.

"No," I whisper into his neck. "This is how I show I care. I'm not letting you suffer alone anymore." He is still stiff in my arms, and when I finally pull away he looks uncomfortable, unsure, averting his gaze. "Now, then. Precalculus." I wipe away my tears and give him a weak smile. "Let's just work through the problems together. Ok?"

He nods, but his eyes stay wide as he turns his attention from the floor to the test in front of him. I pull out a clean piece of lined paper and rewrite the first question from the first test at the top. "So in this problem, I treat the complex number i just like a variable in algebra…"

I let my mind focus on math as I fall into a rhythm of teaching. Ironically, I don't find complex numbers all that complex. Not compared to relationships. I enter a sort of calming trance as I help him solve each question and then make up similar questions to double check his understanding.

We spend the next hour reviewing adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing complex numbers, the class material covered during our second week. The week he didn't show up at school. I think he must be struggling now, because he missed fundamental principles taught during that time which are essential to understanding the entire unit's material. However, once I identify where the gaps in his knowledge are, he is a quick study. After he grasps a concept, he easily applies it without error to similar examples.

"You really are a brainiac, huh?" I say as we pack up our bags.

"And you're a total nerd."

"Pff. Yeah, I guess. Math is actually my favorite subject. It's weirdly relaxing to solve problems."

"I can tell. It was… nice… being with you."

I bite back a smile. "Well, what about you? You once said you like math too. What do you like about it?"

"Um… it's actually kind of embarrassing."

"That's ok. Tell me."

"Ulg. No, it'll sound too weird."

"Come on. I won't make fun of you."

He chews his lip before relenting. "Ok… um... so, it's actually because of… um… Addy." I go very still, holding my breath. "I actually used to hate math when I was a kid. Then one day, Addy told me that music was like math and that I would understand the theory of music better if I paid more attention in math class."

"Seriously? I must know even less about music than I thought, because I don't see the connection."

"Yeah, it was a stretch even then. Like what does anything we talked about today have to do with music?"

"Oh, that's an easy one," I joke. "Composing takes imagination, so you'll definitely need imaginary numbers to write music."

"Pff. Dork."

"I thought that was actually pretty good."

"Not at all." But he's grinning wider than I've seen him in weeks.

Then he gets this distant look in his eyes, and I wait in silence until he feels comfortable continuing. "I think she was more referring to needing fractions to understand rhythms, really basic math. I was in… maybe third grade?"

Third grade. Isn't that when he said he first started crushing on me?

"I was just barely awakening as a telepath and…" He halts suddenly looking ashamed. I urge him to continue with a nod and quick squeeze of his hand. "I—I actually cheated on a math test."

Wow. White knight, virtuous Starlight cheated?

He must sense my surprise, because he quickly clarifies, "I felt so guilty! I confessed that night to Mom. She was livid when I told her, but Addy… she was different even back then." His expression softens and I can see the affection in his eyes. "She told me it wasn't rational to cheat in math, because I would need it when I grew up to be a world class musician."

"That's—" I struggle to find the right words. "That's actually really sweet... that she had so much faith in your talents. Why would you think that was an embarrassing story?" I ask softly.

"I don't know. I guess because… even though she is—was my younger sister, I always looked up to her. I never told her this, but I idolized her. I always wanted to be her big brother, to be a good role model for her... but the truth is she was always the one leading me. I would do anything she asked."

A silence falls between us, but my heart is thundering in my chest.

"So… when she told me that she loved math and so I should love math too… I decided then and there I would. And when she skipped seventh grade math and joined my class in eighth grade… I wanted to get ahead too. That's why I took both Algebra II and geometry last year... Even after mathematics became way too advanced to be related to music at all… the love for it stuck with me, I guess because I wanted to make her proud of me."

My heart swells and I pull Alastair in for another hug. "What is this for?" he asks.

"I just… Thank you for sharing with me… about your sister. I didn't know her well, but I know she was an incredible woman."

"Yeah," he melts into me. "She was."

I feel a slight dampness on my shoulder, and it occurs to me that maybe Alastair wasn't failing precalculus only because he was distracted by my emotions. A love for math was something they shared. My heart twists as I think about how much he has been dealing with. Not just my emotions, but his own as well.

However, the pain in my chest is bittersweet as I consider how Addy must have been even more incredible than I originally thought. After all, by his own admission, she was a huge influence on Alastair becoming who he is today.

His quiet crying slows, and he relaxes further into my shoulder. "Cam, thanks for today. For helping me." I'm not sure if he is talking about helping study or just listening.

"Of course."

"Seriously," He pulls away to look at me properly with reddened eyes. "Thanks for pushing me into doing this. I really appreciate you staying late to tutor me."

"It's really no trou—" Oh shit. Staying late. Tutoring. Luna training.