Before it ends

-Hey ! you're a boy or a girl ??? ,HE said to me .

-what ? , I answered but it was like i am the only one who heard this low tender sound coming out of my mouth .

- I said are you a girl or a boy , 'cause i can't notice your gender looking like that .

- .....!!! , i couldn't even look at HIS eyes ans say something that can save my dignity , but i couldn't even move my mouth , or take a breath , or make my heart beat and pump blood to my head . Suddenly , my face went cold , my hands turned into blue , my feet were shaking so hard . And it felt like I couldn't control my body at that moment . All what i remember is hearing HIS friend laughing a sarcastic , muffled laughter .And , i remember being broken .

- Hey , are dumb , or mute . Say something , did I hurt you sweetheart . Touché ! HE answered me . I think you'd better go home if you're that sensitive , we don't have time to treat a horny whore like you gently .

I also remember bursting into tears after hearing HIM saying that to me , while i didn't do anything to HIM , when i didn't even talked to HIM . I was covering my face if HE find that I am ugly , if my face make him vomit , or give HIM nausea .But I was sitting on a chair waiting to arrive to school like other kids my age , to study , to do something in my life . But clearly I don't have any chance , I was disturbing HIM , I was bothering HIM with my presence . I wish i can be invisible , already I am but wish people can't see me , I wish to be a hollow , to be a ghost . Maybe i will be respected or have some kind of observance between people . I felt like i was already dead ,like my soul has left my body alone letting it fighting for peace looking for merit which it will never ever find . And what i am supposed to do right now , I should think about what exactly ? . About the fact , that I am a slut that people don't see if it's a girl or a boy ( in both cases i am a slut ) , or about the fact that the only boy who talked to me for the first time humiliated me , harassed me , beat me , crushed me , destroyed me , slap me on the face , and killed me with one sentence . HE fucked my fucking day from the beginning . HE screwed me up . Should i cry or yell . Should I talk , or keep being silent , mute , dumb like HE said . Should i hurt myself because I am nothing a big black hole , or should I hurt people because they can't feel being the other , or living in other's heads . Should i kill them , or kill myself 'cause i don't know what to do with the power coming out from my hands . Why i am here , why me of all people , why now God , weren't I a kid , and you said that you love kids , right ? Why didn't you do anything to save me from the monster , or am i the monster . Do you hear me , do you love me ? Please don't let me down , i can't handle this anymore , i can't . HE did a bad thing to me while i didn't do anything , i was a stone in a the middle of a rainy forest . I was a little bird looking for home in the middle of the storm . But there was no home neither here , neither there . Also my mind wasn't helping me out because it memorized all the letters , all the words , all the sentences . Analyse it over and over again , burning papers , spilling ink everywhere , and repeating the same scene hundred million times . It never stops ...

- For the record , don't tell mom and dad , okay . Otherwise i will beat your a..!!!

HE didn't finish the word but i get the message .

And I felt sorry for myself since there was none else to feel it for me . I look at the window , and i saw mountains ,trees , fields , birds , butterflies , apples , cats , dogs , stones , water . There was also the sun and I thought about how beautiful they are , how breathtaking the picture was .Why wasn't i beautiful like other girls putting on mascara to rise their lashes , and lipstick to glitter their lips . I though about fragile creatures , about powerless things , about hopeless people like me . Do the really exist , are they cowards , why they 're always scared , why they're always tired , why they're anxious about being alive , why they can't and other can , why all these questions , why all the pain , why my brain is doing that to me ...

I put my headphones on , maybe I can shut my mind up , maybe i can enjoy calm , and quite , or should i always put my head underwater to feel peace , suffocate , kill my brain cells , without even feeling that i am in danger .

The songs was saying " suicide baby it's the worst , think about the people you'd hurt" . And why the people that hurt me didn't think about me , or about what i can do ...