pressure

It was spring break in Forks again. It was a relief to be away from school for awhile—although it was doubtful Victor would have attacked me in the midst of so many witnesses, I couldn't seem to shake the sense that I was putting any normal human who came near me in danger. On the other hand, I couldn't help but remember that I'd also been stalked by a vampire last spring break, too, and I hoped this wasn't some kind of tradition in the making.

I was already starting to get into the pattern of things. Sunday, I spent most of the day on the beach, while Charlie was up at the Black house with Bonnie and the Clearwaters. Charlie thought I was spending the time with Jules, but Jules had been forced to take off to help the pack with the hunt, and I spent most of the time alone, thinking and worrying.

The few times Jules did return, she was apologetic, which bothered me even more, because it meant she was aware of just how much I missed her and worried over her when she was away. When she was there, we often spent the time walking along the beach, her filling me in about the latest movements of the pack, talking and joking about anything and everything.

Something had subtly changed between us. Whenever we walked along the beach, she would casually reach over and take my hand. Not in a pushy or forceful way, but like it was completely natural. Maybe I should have pulled away, but I didn't.

However, I was getting uneasy. Based on the occasional boyfriend remarks, I knew the girls in the pack thought we were dating, and I knew that's what it must look like from the outside, but I knew that shouldn't matter, so long as Jules and I understood how it really was. Then again, they could all read one another's minds, so if they thought I was her boyfriend, then what did Jules really think? Maybe I was sending mixed messages.

Even McKayla, when I drove up to work Tuesday afternoon and Jules, making sure I got there safely, followed me up on her Black Harley, was quick to jump to that conclusion.

"Is she your girlfriend now?" McKayla asked, as Jules waved at me one last time through the shop window, then turned her motorcycle in a tight circle and sped back off down the road. Although she tried to keep her voice polite and disinterested, I could hear the resentment.

"No," I answered. "We're just friends." I added, "I do spend most of my time down at La Push, though."

"She totally likes you, you know," McKayla said bluntly.

I sighed. "Life is complicated."

McKayla rolled her eyes. "So you're just going to keep friend-zoning her?"

I shrugged noncommittally and didn't answer, and instead went to go put on my vest. As I glanced back, I noticed the resentment had faded from McKayla's expression, and as she looked out the window where Jules had been, she almost looked like she felt bad for her.

Which made me feel even worse.

That night, we had dinner at Bonnie's house again, both me and Charlie, and Bonnie also invited Sam and Elliot for Charlie to meet. Elliot helped with the cooking, and shared with Charlie the secret of his own homemade barbeque sauce, and during dinner asked him a lot of questions about his work at the police station that got Charlie talking. I could tell right away he had taken a liking to Elliot, and even Sam occasionally joined the conversation. I hoped this would take care of all lingering suspicions about possible illicit activities taking place on the reservation.

Jules and I managed to slip away early, heading over to Jules's garage so we could talk freely without being overheard. Jules went to sit in the Rabbit, and I followed.

When I slammed the door shut behind me, the sound faded to silence, and for a minute, neither of us said anything. At last, Jules leaned her head back against the headrest and closed her eyes.

"You should sleep," I said. "I mean, you're out all night, then you spend all day with me."

She cracked one eye open, then blinked and forced herself to sit forward. She was smiling a bit, though it still looked exhausted. "It's okay. I'll get around to it eventually. I hate wasting time sleeping."

I shook my head. "Is that a wolf thing? Not needing to sleep?"

Jules laughed. "Sadly, no. We really have to sleep sometime. We can probably push ourselves a little harder than a normal person, though. When we go on the hunt, all our senses are completely alert, no matter how tired we are."

I nodded. "Still a lot of weird wolf rules I don't know," I said. "But I'll learn them eventually."

I turned to look at her, gazing at her a long moment. "Hey..." I said slowly. "There's been something I've sort of been wondering for a while now. I have this really weird question."

Jules raised an eyebrow. "Go ahead then. Just so long as it's not weird weird."

I paused for a long moment. At last I finally asked, "What happens to your clothes? I mean, when you change. When you fought against Paula that one time, I saw what happened to your shoes, but...I didn't see any other scraps or anything."

A slow grin spread across Jules's face, as she studied my worried expression. "What?" she said. "What are you imagining?"

I felt the familiar red splotches creeping up my neck. "I'm not imagining anything. It's just...out in the woods, it seems like it would be cold...and dangerous..."

Jules laughed, delighted at my discomfort, then shook her head. "Actually, our clothes kind of change with us. At least close-fitting clothes. You didn't think we were wearing these as a fashion statement, did you?" She gestured down at the biking shorts and sleeveless undershirt that she never seemed to go anywhere without these days. "Regular clothes, no go. And shoes, dream on."

"And you aren't cold at all?" I marveled. Even in the garage, inside the Rabbit, the night air felt chilly where it touched my skin.

She shrugged. "Not really. You know when you thought I had a fever before? After the movie? That was just my body getting up to a normal temperature for us."

"And what is a normal temperature for you?" I asked, curious.

"I've been told it's one-oh-eight, one-oh-nine," she said. "I don't know, I've never bothered to check. But I could stand out in a snowstorm dressed like this, and it wouldn't bother me."

"And you heal fast," I said thoughtfully, remembering Paula's scar. "That's a wolf thing, too?"

Jules grinned. "Sure is." Her eyes lit up suddenly. "Want me to show you?" She reached for the glove compartment and casually pulled out a pocket knife, flipping it open.

My heading suddenly spinning at the thought, I put a hand to my forehead and grimaced. "No, please. Seriously—don't."

Jules laughed, but she obediently dropped the knife back where it belonged.

She leaned back against the seat again, and she sighed deeply. "Quil's going to change soon," she said suddenly. "Her temperature's like mine was—that's what her grandmother says. It won't be long now."

Her eyes were distant. The quiet in the car no longer felt comfortable, but strained.

"Quil never stood a chance," she murmured. "She's like me, a direct descendant of one of the wolves that was in the pack before us. Quilla Ateara. And I'm a descendant of Elda Black, and I'm related to Quilla, too, because she was my father's mother. Neither of us stood a chance. It will be soon now. Very soon."

She was quiet again, her dark eyes even darker than usual in the gloom. Jules clenched a fist, and pressed it to her forehead. She took slow, deliberate breathes.

I waited until her tense form was relaxed again before I said quietly, "Can I ask you something? There's something else...something else I've been wondering. Besides the clothes thing."

She was quiet for a moment longer. Then she said quietly, "Sure. Anything."

I hesitated. "Are you okay?" I asked. My eyes flickered down from her empty, hopeless face, then back up. "Is this really bad for you?"

Jules stared off into space, considering. Then she turned to me. Her eyes were still troubled, but she said, "I guess, in a lot of ways, it could be worse. When it first happened, it was absolute hell—you can't even imagine." She smiled a little. "But, if I'm being honest, half of that was because of you."

I didn't know how to respond to that, so I didn't answer.

She shook her head. "You know, I think I would have changed much sooner, if not for you. Getting upset can trigger the change earlier, but I wasn't upset at all, I was happy. So when...when it happened. All that time, feeling like I was breaking my promise to you, not being able to talk to you. Feeling like if you knew what I was, you'd run away screaming. I felt so sick, and so alone. Now that you know, everything is so much better. All the hard parts just don't seem that hard anymore."

"What are the hard parts?" I asked softly. I had no idea if knowing just a little of what she was going through would let me help her in any way, but I hoped that it would.

Jules sighed again, leaning her head back against the headrest, and staring out the windshield at the dark trees and black sky.

"The worst part is," she said in a low, rasping voice, "is feeling out of control." She closed her eyes, and there was tension in her brow as though she were in pain as she continued, "Feeling like I can't trust myself. You know what happened, when I first changed? It was right after I got home from the movie. I didn't realize at the time, but I was a ticking time bomb, and my time had come. Bonnie took one look at me, and she said, 'You're looking a bit peaky, girl.' And that was it—I just completely blew up. I nearly tore her face off." A shiver went down Jules's spine. "And Sam—you saw Elliot's face. She lost control of her temper for one second, and he just happened to be standing too close.

"I think of what I almost did to Bonnie, what Sam did to Elliot—" Jules raised her hands in front of her, staring down at her palms. Her fingers were trembling slightly. "Sometimes I feel like I'm dangerous, like I'm this vicious animal normal people shouldn't be around. Like, if I really cared about you at all, I would do everything I could to stay away from you."

Before I really thought about it, I reached over and gripped her hand in mine. "You're not an animal," I said firmly. "You're a person. A good person. And you know how staying away from me worked the last time, so let's not start in on that. I know it's tough for you—the whole wolf-temper thing. But I'm not afraid of you, Jules. I want you to know that."

Jules snorted softly and looked away, though she didn't pull her hand away from mine. "You used to hang out with vampires. What do you know?"

"I'm a freak of nature," I admitted.

She turned to look at me, and she laughed suddenly. She shook her head.

"Anyway," she said. "Any more wolf questions? Since we're on a roll."

I grinned. "Okay," I said. "Then, if that's the worst part of being a wolf, what's the best part?"

Jules's grin matched mine. "Well, I guess there are a lot of cool things. For me—has to be the speed. Being able to run that fast, it's a rush like nothing you'd believe. The motorcycles don't hold a candle. I mean, you realize we ran down that bloodsucker you were talking to? And she even had a bit of a head start."

My head spun. That was fast. When a vampire moved, they looked like little more than a speed blur.

Jules looked at me for a long moment. "Hey," she said, voice still easy, but a little quieter. "You've asked me a lot of questions about us. Think I could have a turn?"

I paused, tensing for a moment. Then I relaxed, smiling a bit. "Yeah, I guess that's only fair."

She eyed me for a second. "What was it like? I mean, you spent all that time with vampires. Wasn't that freaky?"

I looked away. "Not really."

"But you do have a little healthy dose of fear for them," she persisted. "You've had some run-ins with some of the others. Tell me some more about what happened...I mean, when you were in Phoenix, and the Cullens killed the redhead's mate. What was her name...?"

"Joss," I said. I shrugged. "There's not a lot to tell. Joss got a whiff of me, and she wanted to eat me, but Edythe got in the way. So Joss set up this kind of elaborate plot to lure me away from the Cullens, so she could torture me to death. She planned to get the whole thing on tape and leave it for Edythe. Like I said, it was a thrill ride for her, getting Edythe stirred up, picking a fight. Her way of having some fun."

The slight smile on Jules's lips was gone. Her dark eyes seemed to burn. She looked revolted. "Beasts," she whispered.

I shook my head. "Anyway, that's over now. Could have been a lot worse."

My eyes wandered to the windshield, and I stared off into space. Unconsciously, I traced the small scare on my right index finger, the crescent puncture marks just a little cooler than the rest of my body.

Jules noticed what I was doing, and she frowned. "Hey," she said, taking my hand again, and running a finger over mine. "That's a weird scar. Is that one one of the wounds that beast..."

Jules trailed off, falling into silence, and her eyes suddenly widened with horrified realization. "She—" she choked.

"Yeah," I said calmly, nodding. "She bit me."

Her eyes flashed back up to mine, confused. "But then...Shouldn't you be..."

I looked back at her. "It was Edythe. She sucked out the venom—you know, like you might do for a rattlesnake bite." I closed my eyes, taking a deep, steadying breath. I'd been saying her name a lot lately, ever since I'd faced Lauren. But I was getting almost reckless. Letting it slip out when I wasn't mentally prepared, when it might just widen the gash. I opened my eyes again. "It was a close thing, though. Really close."

Jules stared back at me, her eyes still wide. I felt the floor of the car vibrating beneath me, and it took me a second to realize it was Jules—she was shaking, her fists clenched, her lips curled back over her teeth.

"Hey," I said, panicking a little. "Cool it, Jules, you can't do that in here. Get a grip." I put a steadying hand on her shoulder.

Jules bent over the steering wheel, and took several deep, steadying breathes as she shook her head vigorously back and forth. Slowly her fists unclenched, but her hands were still shaking.

"Talk about something else," she said hoarsely. "Anything. Tell me more about your vampires—did any of the others have extra powers?"

I hesitated. Jules had insinuated before I could be something like a spy, and I didn't like feeling like I was betraying the Cullens' secrets. However, seeing as how they were gone and not coming back, I didn't see how it could do any harm.

"Jessamine," I began. "She could sort of affect emotions of people around her. Like, she could calm people down if they were about to break out in a fight. Bet Sam could make some use of that with someone like Paula around, eh?" I tried to smile, but it was weak. "And Archie could see the future...or at least, possibilities for the future. Things always changed, based on people's choices."

Jules was still now, completely calm. My hand was still on her shoulder, and she glanced down at it. She frowned deeply, and when her eyes flickered back up to meet mine, they were almost angry. "Beau," she said.

"Yeah?" I said, uncertainly.

"I wasn't thinking just now. But if I start doing that again, get as far away from me as you can. Just get out and get back. And most of all—don'ttouch me again when I'm doing that. Look at what happened to Elliot. I could have taken off your entire freaking arm." She gripped the steering wheel again, and she glared out the windshield, though I wasn't sure if it was me she was angry at, or herself.

"Sorry," I said, folding my hands together and pulling back a little. "Sorry, I just didn't think."

"I'm a monster," she said suddenly, bitterly. "A freak. I should have better control than this."

Her eyes suddenly flickered back to me, and they were frustrated, accusing. "But you sure don't make it any easier, Beau. You don't even try to be careful. Maybe a little more fear and less I-don't-care-if-you-turn-into-a-dragon would be good for you."

It was unexpected. I'd been thinking about them so much lately, even saying her name aloud. But as I saw the familiar look in Jules's eyes—the anger, the conflict, torn between wanting me to be afraid, yet not wanting me to be afraid—for a moment her face was replaced by another, and without warning, the memories struck me hard, like a hammer blow to the chest.

I flinched and looked away sharply, my breathing catching in my throat. I tried to force it back down, the sudden explosion of crippling emotion—but it was too sudden, too unexpected, and I felt my back bend as I curled in on myself. My hand gripped my head.

Jules was instantly penitent. "Sorry," she whispered, tripping over the word. "Sorry, sorry—it's okay." She reached out a hand to touch me, then seemed to think better of it. Her face was a mask of anguish. She shook her head. "There's just—something wrong with me."

For some reason I couldn't explain, I didn't want her to misunderstand my reaction. I took a steadying breath, then reached over and grabbed her hand, holding it between my own. I shook my head vigorously. "It's not—" I began, my voice cracking. "It's not you, I swear. I just—wasn't expecting—it just reminded me. That's all."

Jules slowly relaxed, studying my expression. She extended her free hand toward me a second time. She hesitated a moment again, then gently touched her fingers to my face. "You're thinking about them again," she said softly.

I nodded. My throat was dry. My eyes flickered up to her and, to my surprise, I heard myself speak again, my voice low. "Sometimes, when I think about them...I feel like I'm being stabbed. Or like I'm trapped underwater, and I can't breathe."

I'd never said any of this aloud. But it was like we had no secrets anymore, the two of us.

Jules looked down at our hands, still linked between us. "Sorry," she mumbled again. "I've been bringing them up a lot. Making you talk about them. I won't if you don't want me too. I'll tell the others to lay off you, too."

I shook my head. "It's been...better than it was before. It's not as bad, mostly. Just...sometimes."

Jules hesitated, then she reached out and put an arm around my shoulders, leaning her head against mine. "We're both kind of messed up, aren't we?" she said, sighing.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"But at least we're together now," she said. "I'm glad of that. Honestly, Beau, those few weeks we were apart really sucked."

"Sucked," I agreed quietly. And I meant it, with everything that I was.

Things really did seem almost okay, so long as I was with Jules. But the problem was that she had to be gone quite a bit, off with the others hunting Victor. I had to stick around La Push for my own safety, but without Jules there, there didn't seem to be anywhere in particular I wanted to be, or anything I wanted to do. I felt awkward sitting in Bonnie's kitchen for hours on end, and though I did put in some work studying for a Calculus test coming up the next week, that could only last me so long. I tried making a little polite conversation with Bonnie, but like me, she wasn't much of a talker, and we always ended up lapsing into another awkward silence.

I tried heading over to Elliot's Wednesday afternoon, just for something to do. He was a relaxed, easygoing guy, the kind of guy that was easy to be around, and I thought maybe I could pick up some cooking tips, and get his recipe for barbeque sauce. Elliot didn't seem to mind the company, and he asked me a few questions about Forks, what kind of books I liked to read, and offered a few interesting details about life at La Push in return.

I thought things were going pretty well, until Samantha got back in the late afternoon. I had to make a quit exit or else find myself subjected to another dose of ultimate romance—Sam wasn't wordy, but the aura she cast when she was around Elliot and the look on her face was enough to set the knife twisting in my chest.

I finally settled on the beach as my main hangout spot. Only down there there really wasn't anything to do but pace, from one end of the rocky crescent to the other and back. Pace, and think.

My recent conversations with Jules kept playing in my mind, particularly that last one, where we'd talked so much about the Cullens. In light of everything going on, the fact I was being hunted by a psychotic vampire, Jules and the others were out there hunting for him, and Charlie and the others in town were out there hunting Jules—not to mention I seemed to be getting in deeper with Jules than ever before and I wasn't entirely sure what to do about it—it seemed almost stupid to let myself sink into depression thinking about my old wounds, and the gaping hole in my chest. But I knew I'd been letting myself think about them too much and I was paying the price for it now. It was almost fine to talk about them when Jules was there. Good, even. But when she was gone, the thought of them seemed to affect me just as it always had before.

When Jules came to find me in the evening, she found me sitting on the rocks, curled up with my arms around my knees. I hadn't even noticed the tide had risen, and it lapped against my ankles, soaking my pants in icy water.

I probably looked like I was contemplating walking out into the waves and never coming up, and Jules immediately crouched down beside me, looking anxious. She put an arm around my shoulders, and I was surprised at how much warmer I felt just from her proximity. "Hey," she said. "You doing okay?"

I nodded, still staring out at the waves.

"No, you're not," she said, answering for me. She helped pull me to my feet, and I registered for the first time how uncomfortable my wet jeans were. However, it was hard to find the strength to care about that much.

Jules studied my face, and she kept her warm hand gripping mine. "This isn't much of a spring break, is it?" she said suddenly with a sigh.

I shrugged. "Not like I'd be doing anything interesting at home anyway."

Jules frowned, thinking. At last, she nodded to herself. "You know what, I think I'll take tomorrow off. The others can go out without me. You and me, we'll do something fun for a change."

I eyed her doubtfully. After everything that had happened, and what was going on, the idea of fun sounded like an alien concept. "I don't know..."

"It's when things get most tense you have to remember to stop and relax a little," Jules insisted. "We both could use a distraction. You have to be loose when you're out there or you can't focus, and I'll be more relaxed if you're more relaxed. If you think about it, it's really for the good of the mission."

I wasn't entirely sure Sam would buy into that explanation, but all I said was, "What would we do?"

Jules pressed her lips together, considering. Her eyes wondered around the beach, as though looking for something exciting and thoroughly distracting to magically shoot up from the rocks. However, as her eyes drifted toward the horizon, she suddenly grinned. She turned back to me.

"Hey. Didn't you ask me to take you cliff diving sometime?"

I blinked. I'd completely forgotten about that.

"Well," said Jules, turning her head in the direction of the cliffs, which were visible down the coastline, "let's do it. Tomorrow will be the perfect time—it was cold today, but it will be warmer tomorrow."

"How do you know that?" I asked, frowning. "Is that another wolf thing?"

Jules laughed. "No, I'm just a Quileute who's lived here on the coast my whole life. I can just feel it when the weather's changing. The pressure."

I nodded. I thought about that. My eyes flickered toward the cliffs, and they looked even more imposing than they had on that road when we'd gone to test out our motorcycles. Not to mention the water looked cold. But I figured spending the day with Jules jumping off cliffs would be better than being left alone to drown in my thoughts. If I was lucky, I might even hear Edythe again.

I turned back to her, and I was grinning a little. "Sounds like a plan."

I got up early the next morning, bundling up an extra change of clothes and smuggling them out to my truck under my jacket. I knew if Charlie ever found out about the motorcycle, I'd probably be grounded for life. If he found out about this, no doubt I'd be serving two consecutive life sentences.

Being young is all about rebellion, I consoled myself. And what Charlie didn't know couldn't hurt him—or so the new irresponsible-teenage side I was developing thought.

I tried not to get my hopes up too high. After all, Sam was the pack leader, and she could nix the whole plan with a word. Jules might not want to leave me hanging, but she might not have a choice.

Still, I was almost smiling as I pulled up to Bonnie's house and cut the engine. Jules had been right about the weather—even with gray clouds hanging low, the air was almost sultry.

Jules didn't immediately come out of the house to meet me as she usually did, which I took as a potentially bad sign. On the other hand, maybe she was just getting caught up on some much-needed sleep—I couldn't help but notice the dark circles beneath her eyes that seemed almost a permanent feature of her face these days, and I worried she was pushing herself too hard.

I knocked at the door, and I heard a muffled voice call for me to come in.

I entered to find Bonnie sitting at the kitchen table, bowl of cereal in front of her.

"Hey," I said. I paused a little awkwardly. "Jules still asleep?"

Bonnie hesitated, then shook her head. "No."

I had been about to follow up the question to ask if Sam had told her no, but something in Bonnie's tone made me stop. "Did something happen?" I said in a low voice.

Bonnie's expression was hard to read. "Emma, Jay, and Paula crossed a fresh trail early this morning," she said. "Julie and Sam took off to help. This is a good opportunity—the quarry's run himself right up against the mountains. With a little luck, this might all be over by today or tomorrow."

I stood where I was, frozen. This was what we had been waiting for, and yet—

The image of Jules coming up against Victor burned in my mind. My throat went dry and I swallowed hard. I knew my brain wasn't making logical sense, that it would be so much better to put an end to Victor now, and that I couldn't spend the rest of my life running from him. But somehow, the thought of Jules and the others just chasing, endlessly chasing without actually coming near him, without the risk of having to come up against him, was a lot more comforting.

Although Bonnie seemed pretty relaxed, I paced about the small kitchen in agitation. Eventually I sat down in front of the television, but as I flipped through the channels without seeing them, the walls of the small room seemed to close in around me, and soon I jumped up again.

"I'm going to down to the beach," I said abruptly.

"Suit yourself," I heard her say, just as I headed out the door.

Outside, the sense of claustrophobia didn't abate. The heavy clouds that covered the sky seemed to press down on my shoulders with an invisible weight, and they smothered the usual sounds of the outdoors like a blanket. As I walked down the familiar path toward the beach, it was eerily silent, no scrabbling of small animals flitting about the forest floor, or chattering of birds. Even the air was perfectly still, without the hint of a breeze.

I knew all this meant that a major storm was on the way. The calm before the storm, as they said. As I tilted my head back, I saw the dark clouds churning sluggishly overhead, and in cracks in the smokey gray, I saw more clouds high above, of a threatening deep purple color, like bruises.

The moment I reached the beach, I almost wished I hadn't come. I'd been here more than enough over the last several days, pacing, thinking. It was starting to become a place that held bad memories for me, reminded me of all the things I didn't want to think about.

Like Jules, being out there, hunting Victor. I knew the wolves were strong, I knew Sam and the others knew what they were doing. And yet worry gnawed at me. What if? What if something went wrong? They were dealing with a vampire here. One wrong move, and Jules might never come back.

I sat on the edge of our driftwood tree, bowing my head and pressing my clenched hands to my forehead. Let them come back, I thought. Please, let her be safe.

I almost smiled to myself. Elliot had been right. We really didn't do the worrying thing well.

At last I lifted my eyes, and my gaze fell on the cliffs on the horizon. I stared at them for several seconds, then I suddenly came to a decision before I even knew I'd been contemplating one, and I was abruptly on my feet.

If I was going to go cliff-diving today, I probably should do it before the storm hit. I had to do something; I would go crazy just sitting here. Jules would probably be disappointed not to see my first jump, but then, I imagined her exasperated laugh when I told her. She'd probably be relieved to hear I'd been out having fun instead of curled up in a ball on the beach.

I jogged back up to Bonnie's house and quickly got in my truck. Had to hurry, the clouds were starting to look a little menacing. I was smiling a little as I anticipated hearing the voice. Maybe it was better Jules wouldn't be there the first time. I would have a minute to savor it without giving away the fact I was certifiably insane.

I knew the road that would take me closest to the cliffs, but it took a little searching to find the right path that would take me out right to the ledge. I looked for forks or turnoffs that would take me to the lower jump point, which I knew was the one Jules probably would have taken me, at least the first time. But the path wound up in a single line, and before I knew it, the dirt road had fanned out into the stone precipice of the higher cliff.

As I got out of the truck, I immediately felt the change in the weather. The sky was darker now than it had been when I'd been down at the beach. A slight wind had picked up and few droplets splattered against my face. The storm was almost here. No time to look for another way down now.

I slowly approached the edge, and peered down at the water below. It was a little hard to make out from here, but the water didn't look quite as still as the waters out by La Push beach had been. The waves were starting to pick up in the coming storm, but they didn't look too high yet.

As I saw just exactly how high up I was, it occurred to me how reckless this was. I really should wait for Jules, just in case something happened. If I wasn't careful, I could hit wrong and break an arm when I hit the water, or even knock myself out.

But I could feel the excitement building in my chest at the thought of the rush on the way down, the wind whipping in my face, Edythe's voice in my ear—

It really wasn't that dangerous. I had never been good at anything athletic, but swimming was the one exception. My mom always said I was like a fish when I got in the water. Reading Twenty Leagues Under the Sea over and over, as a kid I'd practiced hard at my swimming lessons, daydreaming of someday being one of the crew on Captain Nemo's ship. It would be dangerous if I waited for the storm to really kick up the waves down there, but not if I went right now.

I kicked off my shoes, and went right up to the edge, staring down over the rocks.

"Don't do this, Beau."

I felt my mouth spread into a wide smile. It was amazing, really, how perfect these weird hallucinations were. It wasn't like when I just recalled a memory of her voice, soundless, more likes words on a page than really her speaking. It had that beautiful velvet texture and musical touch that made her voice so much like the voice of an angel, just like I remembered.

Come on, I answered, with a bit of a taunting smile. It's only a little jump.

"Beau, this is the stupidest, most reckless thing you have ever done," she said severely. But there was a hint of real fear. Like she already knew she wasn't going to change my mind.

So what if it is? I answered casually. This is what it means to me human—living for the rush of the moment. You wanted me to be human, right?

"Please, Beau," she begged. "Please."

I raised my arms straight out in front of me, clapping them together and forming a point with my fingers as though I were going to dive. However, it was always better to go feet first, when jumping the first time. I was trying to be reckless, not stupid.

I crouched down just on the edge for added spring. The wind was stronger now, blowing about the rain that had begun and soaking my clothes. I didn't want to think about how cold the water would be. I was glad I had a dry pair of pants and shirt waiting for me in my truck.

"Please," Edythe whispered, one last time. "For me."

I am doing this for you, I replied. Then I swung back my arms for added momentum, and launched myself from the edge, Edythe's scream of terror and horror following me into the abyss.

It was an amazing feeling. The wind buffeted my clothes and hair, and an overwhelming sense of exhilaration expanded my chest as I twisted in spirals in midair, like a rocket crashing to earth. This was great, this was awesome. Oddly, it wasn't even half so terrifying as being on the motorcycle for the first time. Jules had been right—it really was a rush.

However, a moment before I hit the waves, I noticed something. They looked a lot higher down here than they had from up on the cliff.

I sliced through the surface of the dark water like a javelin. It was even colder than I'd expected it to be, but that only seemed to add to my high. Amazing. I'd been born for this. I couldn't wait to tell Jules—and I couldn't wait to try it again.

I spread out my arms, kicking myself with practiced ease, ready to head back toward the surface—and that was when the current caught me.

The water dragged and battered me like a solid force, closing around me and jerking me back and forth like a rag doll. Of course, I'd been to beaches before on vacations with my mom, and I remembered that the best way to avoid the riptide was to swim parallel to the beach rather than make the mistake of struggling for shore—but I was completely submerged in the dark waters, disoriented, and I couldn't tell which direction the surface was, let alone the shore.

I kept my mouth firmly closed, trying to hold on to my last bit of air.

Edythe's voice was beside me, frantic.

"Beau, you've got to keep swimming. You've got to get to the surface."

Which way? I thought bleakly. I couldn't tell. I couldn't see anything but darkness. And even if I could tell, I wasn't sure I would have the strength to fight current.

I never would have guessed water could be so strong. I'd never guessed when I was jumping from the cliffs that it was the churning water beneath the terrifyingly long drop that would be the real menace. It was like being in the grips of a vampire.

At least it's not Victor, I thought vaguely.

"Stop that," Edythe ordered. "Don't give up. You are going to live, Beau. You're going to live a long life. Fight!"

I tried. I really did. I kicked with everything I was, and tried to pull myself from the current with long paddling strokes of my arms. But it was dark everywhere, and the buffeting of the water was slamming into me from every direction. My brain was starting to go fuzzy from lack of oxygen.

"Fight!" Edythe shouted again and her voice sounded unusually close. "Stay awake, Beau, whatever you do, don't pass out. Keep fighting!"

But I was running out of fight. The strength was gone from my limbs, and my consciousness was dimming. However, it was strange. In my final moments, I no longer felt any fear. Instead, I felt almost peaceful.

It was strange. Since Edythe had left, I'd often felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was drowning. And now here I was, really drowning, and it wasn't half so painful as all these months had been.

Familiar words from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea I'd read a hundred times drifted back to me in bits and pieces.

"The sea is everything...The sea is only the embodiment of a supernatural and wonderful experience. It is nothing but love and emotion...the Living Infinite."

Edythe's painfully perfect, beautiful face suddenly crystallized inches from my own, in a delusion more clear than it had ever had been, and suddenly I could easily believe it. Her eyes were pained and terrified as she gazed into mine and as I stared back, I felt strangely content.

So I barely felt it when something hit me in the side, and I realized vaguely that the current had thrown me against the hard rock of the cliff face. The very last bit of air I'd kept in my lungs rushed out in a cloud of silver bubbles. I sank, slowly, as the ocean drew me down to its depths.

Goodbye, Edythe, I called to the faintly glowing, angelic figure as she watched me go. I want you to know, I don't regret anything.

Then my eyes closed, and my last sliver of consciousness was lost in the darkness.