Chapter 4

"You look dead inside."

The exhale I breathed out was a heavy one, as if to emphasize the truth in those words. For a Saturday, I was certainly a lot more exhausted than I should be. I didn't even do anything today other than visit MJ's home for our agreed meet-up.

Then again...

I stayed up late last night reading webtoons to cope with the reality that MJ wanted to meet with me about Roy—and not for usual fangirling reasons, but because she wanted to offer the man up for a solo-fanmeet. Add that to the fact that I had already exhausted my body from dance class in the same evening, it was no wonder that my brain had grown tired.

I sighed again.

What was happening with me..? From living a plain, uneventful life, how did this web novel-worthy plot twist suddenly get thrown into my lap?

"I'm dead inside," I groaned, climbing up from the floor and onto MJ's bed so I could lie face down onto her velvety soft sheets. I might not like charity, but I could still appreciate luxury when it was just something borrowed for a bit. And MJ's bed? It was definitely a luxury I could afford to spoil myself with whenever I visited. "I'm so tired, MJ. I read the whole night."

"You keep doing that, I'll be tempted to kidnap you so I can keep an eye on you." From the corner of my eyes, I could vaguely make out MJ's concerned frown as she sat next to her study desk. "I thought you already stopped sleeping late?"

A laugh escaped me, muffled by the pillow I had my face pressed against. As I turned my head, I spoke, "How could I sleep properly when you essentially threatened me into meeting my idol?"

Her big eyes sparkled like starlight with her amusement. I was sure the average person would find it difficult to deny her anything she wanted given such a look, but I'd already become immune over time. Or was I just that stubborn a person in general?

She stood up from her seat to sit beside me, her body halfway turned to me as I rolled over to face her properly. "I did it with love, so," with a soft gaze full of warm fondness, she turned her eyes to meet my own. It was enough to make even me feel shy. "Forgive me?"

As if there was ever anything to be forgiven.

I waved a hand at her in dismissal of the very idea. "Nothing to be forgiven," I said. It wasn't like she did anything against my will. Knowing her stubbornness, she could just as well have dragged Roy along to meet me even without my permission.

But she didn't.

I looked up at her for a while. I took in her soft smile, her gentle gaze, and I had to accept it—

This was a friend who just wanted the best for me. Even if I didn't understand why, even if I didn't know how I ever deserved her kindness, it was something that she wanted to give me regardless of any logic or reason.

It was warm, this fluttering feeling inside my chest. Even if I never got to actually meet Roy in person, having MJ in my life was already a huge blessing all on its own.

Then I ended up looking closer, noticing with a keen eye how MJ was shaking a little, her feet tapping insistently on the floor, her fingers fidgeting as she kept them clasped on her lap.

Wasn't it unfair for her to be this cute?

"I'll meet with Roy," I said eventually, clasping my hands together and resting them on my stomach. I was sure I sounded arrogant, my words seeming more a concession than the eager acceptance of a gift, but that was just how I was. "Just once. But you'll have to come with me."

She was squealing and jumping on me before I could even try to avoid her full weight.

I wheezed on impact.

"Oh god, my ribs—"

"Fia!" she shrieked, tucking me into a tight hug with her smaller form, forcing me to roll around with her on the bed. "Oh my god, I'm so happy!"

A laugh burst out of me without my control. What the hell were we doing? Why was she so happy about something so ridiculous? "Just who is the one meeting their idol here..?"

"You don't understand." Her tone had, abruptly, turned grave considering how chipper she'd been just a second ago. "You don't ask for anything, Fia. You go through the motions, and you tell me you're content, and I get it, I do, but you love Roy."

I smiled awkwardly at the sudden fervor in her voice, the way her words started blurring into each other as the speed at which she spoke ramped up without pause. "I do, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"I love seeing you be excited for something," she said softly, pulling away from me so she could grab both of my hands. Lying across from each other, only the bare minimum of space between us with our hands clasped, I was sure we made an odd image together.

It was too intimate for me, in fact. MJ didn't seem to realize this, so I said, "Do we have to talk while being this close?"

She blinked in confusion. Then she looked down at where our clasped hands were resting between us on the bed. "Oh...oh!" She released me with a gasp, and I breathed out a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry, I—"

"It's okay," I said quickly. More than the accidental intimacy, the awkward apologies that came after were the worst. It made me feel guilty, even though I knew, rationally, that it wasn't a fault to be this way. "You didn't realize. And, aren't I already excited enough as is..? It's not like I need to meet Roy for that." I paused, then added, "I'm not taking back what I said about meeting him, though. I'll still do it."

"Well." Her smile brightened, to the point that I wondered if I might go blind from it. "If you're excited as is even when not meeting him in person, wouldn't you be even more excited when you meet him in real life?"

"That kind of thing isn't guaranteed," I said. It was more a token argument than anything serious. "Anyway, I'll leave it at that. Just, you know?" I shifted to lie on my back, lips in a moue as I squinted at the ceiling in contemplation. "Don't expect too much from me when we meet."

"Why would I expect anything?"

The innocent look on that small face really wasn't convincing, for me. The sheer expectation was too obvious and too heavy in those starry eyes.

"The look on your face says otherwise." I glanced over at her, then turned my gaze back to the ceiling laden with glow-in-the-dark star stickers. "You think we'll be friends, but have you considered that Roy might feel forced into this, no matter how nice he tries to act about it? I'm a fan, after all."

"Isn't it even better that you're a fan? That means there's some kind of foundation for the two of you already, instead of there being no connection at all." She seemed to think of her words as pure fact, the way her gaze remained unwavering upon my face. "And you're not a weird fan either."

"Thanks, that's real comforting to know." I smiled wryly. "That's bare minimum decency, MJ."

She didn't falter still. "You genuinely love him."

I covered my eyes with both hands, and huffed out a deep breath. Again, my words were being thrown back at me. It was true, I've said it god knew how many times, and I wouldn't deny it if anyone asked. I love him, and those feelings were real even if I didn't know the man personally.

But that love was selfish. It was something for my own sake, something to satisfy this need in me to love something, or someone. Filling in this gaping void inside myself, making me feel a little bit of something instead of nothing at all.

It's love, this thing I feel.

It's love, but that didn't mean it was the kind of love meant to be felt by the recipient personally.

"Yes, that's true." I slid my hands down my face, blearily gazing up at the ceiling. "But any fan would like to say they genuinely love the person they admire. Even delusional fans will think their love is genuine, no matter how freaky they actually are."

"You're a bit more self-aware than that, though..."

"Anyway." I rolled over onto my side, propping myself up with one arm so I could look down at MJ fully. "Where will we meet? When?"

If MJ noticed me deliberately changing the topic, she didn't point it out. "Saturday next week?" she suggested, a hopeful gleam to her doe eyes as she glanced up at me. "I want to make it a date from morning till evening. We could walk a little, eat breakfast somewhere nice, watch a movie... we'll figure it out as we go! Please?"

A whole day spent with Roy Hirsch?

It sounded like a nightmare, and yet, it was also a dream. An odd combination of dread and excitement pooled in my stomach at the very idea of it. While it was true that I wanted to hear his thoughts personally, and I wanted to know more about him as an individual...

I was only a fan.

I didn't have the right to ask for such things, even if MJ wanted to offer it all on a silver platter.

But I couldn't reject MJ like this, not when I made a promise already. It was just one day together, anyway, and she would be there to be the mutual friend between the two of us.

Should she try to ditch, I'd definitely drag her right back.

"Fine," I conceded. "A whole day."

MJ grinned at me like I'd just promised her the world. Her joy was so pure, so unfettered, that it made me feel ashamed that I couldn't comprehend or reflect the same to her.

Then she started gushing, "I could dress you up—"

I squeezed her shoulder before she could continue rambling. "It's fine. I'll dress myself up."

Those small lips of hers jutted out in a pout. "But I really want to do this for you..."

"You don't trust me?"

Her eyes widened, surprised at the sudden accusation. Immediately, she blurted out, "I do!"

"Then let me take care of myself." I smiled at her. "Okay?"

"...okay..."

It was silent for a moment, and yet, I could still hear the gears turning around in that head of hers. The frown on her face made it clear that she was unsatisfied, but why? How did it benefit her to dress me up, all for the sake of meeting a man?

A very special man that I had affectionate feelings for, sure, but just a man nonetheless.

"What will you be wearing?"

I cocked a brow at the sudden question. "I'll just go casual. Cargo pants and a dark tee, or something."

Her sulky expression quickly turned eager.

I frowned. "What's that look for?"

That smile of hers brightened by so many watts that I had to squint just from looking at her.

"Nothing at all!" she lied, lips twitching up into a sly smile. "I was just reminded of how cool you are."

That was very convincing.

Not.

"Are you thinking that I'm dressing up in a way that he'll like?"

She pressed her lips inward, gaze darting away from me with obvious guilt.

Wow.

To think she'd be this determined in setting me up with someone way out of my league. My closest friend trusted me a little too much, didn't she?

"...just for that, I'm wearing a skirt instead."

"I mean, you'd look good no matter what you wear," she said, pouting still. "Don't change your mind just because I got a little excited, okay?"

I stared at her.

She stared back, lips still very much in a moue.

...damn it, she had a point. There was no way I'd make myself a little bit uncomfortable just to prove my own pettiness. Skirts were fine enough, but they were the kind of clothes I'd only wear around people I felt comfortable with. And Roy?

We weren't close enough for me to feel comfortable with him.

But that didn't mean I had to admit to that.

"I'll wear what I want," I said vaguely. "So don't make it weird, please. It's just a meet-up between friends."

Hesitantly, MJ nodded. That pout of hers lessened by enough degrees that I could tell she was only putting up an act instead of actually being disappointed.

Really, what was I going to do with this overly affectionate friend of mine..?

"MJ."

She hummed. "Yeah?"

"Thank you."

She blinked. Then she rolled over onto her stomach, rested her chin on her open palms, and said, "You don't have to thank me for something like this. I could've told you earlier, but I didn't."

"I'm glad you didn't." I rubbed at my tired eyes with one hand. "He doesn't need to be hounded by any fans even in his private time. You're a good friend to him."

"Fia..."

"Please don't cry."

She sniffled. "I won't."

"And MJ?"

"Mm-hmm?"

I met her gaze with narrowed eyes. "Don't try and ditch the two of us in the middle, okay? Or I'll seriously get mad."

"Um." She cleared her throat. "I won't."

I didn't bother to confirm with her again, even when I doubted the nervous shaking of those pupils of hers.

I'll tie this woman down to a chair for the whole day of our meet-up if I have to.