178. Break Free

"Mom one of the things I had to do according to my therapist was confront my triggers and you've been the biggest trigger since I was a child. You never allowed me a chance to defend myself and I was... I used to be very intimidated by you. Nothing I ever did say right by you therefore, I'm learning...or I'm still trying to acknowledge my mistakes as an adult so yes, I admit most of the things I have done as a person have not been that good...

I've been made aware of my quick temperedness by the therapist, and my likeliness at at getting even. Therefore, what I'm trying to say is you still intimidate me as you did when I was still young. I've tried to live to your expectations and unlike dad, you are the one who most compared me to Yeon till I begun to want to be like him and in as much as you've proven to care for me, I just couldn't feel your affections the way I wanted to.

It's always Yeon getting praises and he is the smart one even though I was smart first. I taught him everything he knows Mom. Yeon used to come to me for answers until one day he stopped because of you.

You ruined the connection we had or rather you created a spark in him that I couldn't control which made him stop relying on me. When we got to collage, dad suggested I move in with Yeon and that made me very happy. I took it as an opportunity for us to rekindle the relationship I had with my little brother. He has always been my little brother and that will never change. I wanted to protect him and for him to see me as he used to but he didn't rely on me anymore. He was no longer a kid I could control and soon enough I had not choice but to accept it. Mom, at least from time to time praise me rather than criticize me. I used to look up to you and dad's strength... That's why I wanted a career and independence. The moment I began falling, instead of embracing me, you dug into my failures and reminded me of them over and over until I grew afraid to fail. I wanted to be perfect in your eyes mom. Dad scolded me the most but you taking over the disciplining, you, the person I sought strength from... ...Mom, didn't you already know I wanted to be just like you?"

"Yes Mijin, I knew. That's why I was the one who took over responsibility for your misconduct. Your father may look fierce on the outside but he is gullible and weak to your tantrums..."

"Even Yeon took you away from me. He got your strong scent. Why does my little brother always fight to surpass me? What does he have against me..?"

"Mijin calm down. Let's not deviate to your brother. You wanted to tell me about you and I'm here to listen, though I wish you were here instead of doing this on video call."

"I can't be close to you mom lest I loose my temper again and you use your threatening scent on me. I want closure. I need closure or else I will never stop hating you mom."

"Why do you hate me?"

"Because you are always disciplining me."

"That's because you misbehave. Mijin, you've been a stubborn child since you were young, never doing what you are told. You always want things to go your way even if it is wrong or hurts others. You could have been like Yeon who never caused any trouble..."

"I'll never be like Yeon."

"I don't want you to be similar in character with your brother. I want you as you, the lovable daughter I used to know. She still resides in you. Bring her out child. This act of yours, I won't fall for it but I commend you for calling me to speak your heart out."

"Why is Yeon's case different from mine? I got taken advantage of too so what makes my case different? Is it because of Haesol whom you forced me to keep just to save my assaulter? You're keeping him in our home mom! I grew up there!"

"Where do you want us to keep him then? You abandoned Haesol the moment you brought her into this world and refused to look at her. She was vulnerable to scent and she needed you and Hajin to help her adaptation to scents..."

"I was hurting mom!"

"You will never stop hurting until you learn to let go of the bitterness you feel for yourself sweetheart. Yes, you went through a lot but acknowledge too that you brought your misfortune partially to yourself. Do you think we didn't know of our multiple change in sexual partners? We are no fools Mijin, we've known you since you were a child. There is nothing you would do without us knowing and when you brought Niel as your official boyfriend, we were happy for you not until we began noticing how much anxiety you gave that poor boy despite him acting oblivious to it. Admit and own up to your part in destroying your life, don't just throw blame to others when you were a protagonist to your demise. Mora on the other hand was someone we had to tread with carefully. If we had known the depths of your connection to her we would have ended your friendship a long time ago but when you brought her here, she'd already developed attachment with you. I wish you trusted us my dear daughter instead of handling things by yourself. Open up to us more my dear as you have done so today. I'd pick your call anytime regardless of where I am. Infact, if you tell me where you are, I'll leave everyone here and come to you as long as you allow me."

"I still need time to heal...though I don't hate you anymore as I used to but even if I were to come back, where would I stay? Our home has become some sanctuary for every broken individual from Elric, Suzzie to Hajin..."

"Mijin, Elric is the one who nursed Haesol to be the vibrant little girl you saw at the wedding. You should find time and thank him."

"That's disgusting! Why would he do that?"

"Mijin please..."

"How can you allow him to do that? Doesn't he already have two monsters pulling at his mammary glands?"

"Mijin dear, there is nothing wrong with wet nursing another's infant. Besides, Elric has had a fair share of health complications but chooses to be optimistic and cheerful. You should try doing that."

"Still comparing me to others...this is exactly what I was talking about! Why can't you just compare me to me! Me mom!"

"I've compared your good qualities on several occasions to your brother. It's how you choose to perceive my statement. Mijin, no one is competing with you and secondly, there will always be someone better than you at something. Practice humility and be contended with who you are. Feed into your good character attributes instead of the bad ones. If you do this, you'll live a much easier life otherwise no matter how many therapy sessions you have, you'll never change."

"I will never accept Haesol..."

"I'm not asking you to do that. You already made it clear where you stand with her."

"You didn't let me finish mom, this is always your problem. I-I can allow it for her to be considered my little sister and nothing else."

"But Haesol looks just like you."

"Yeon told me the same...but I can't be anything else to her other than that. It has taken me a lot of time and courage to even consider her as such. I-I also understand it isn't her fault being born that way after all, I accepted to...partake in saving Hajin's life. Hajin was kind to me before... We were fated and... He didn't deserve the things he went through with Mora and his father."

"I'm glad to hear you think that way. All of you from Yeon to Hajin to Haesol. All of you are victims of someone's greed and evilness. Instead of throwing blame at each other, the best revenge would be to rise up from our ashes and do well don't you think? That is definitely bound to anger those that wish to see us broken."

"My therapist said getting even doesn't solve anything."

"They are right my dear. Two wrongs have never made a right."

"Ugh... I hate it when I'm wrong. This will take time getting used to. How does Yeon live like this? How did Niel put up with me?"

"Because they love you, that's why. We are family aren't we?"

"Not Hajin. Keeping him with us puts us in danger. His father escaped remember? I also did some dreadful things to get back at Mora."

"I know but not to worry. They are wanted fugitives. They wouldn't dare do anything that could expose them and their location. Besides, we have their most priced possessions with us. Hajin and Haesol and there is no way I'm giving up my grandchild."

"What about Hajin? Will he continue to stay there?"

"He's shown interest in becoming fit so he helps out in the gym from time to time. There is also a business venture he has embarked on with Elric and Yeon so he is going to stick around for sometime. Why do you ask?"

"I don't know. Perhaps my fateship to him still lingers."

"Mijin, leave that poor boy alone. I know you."

"Don't make me laugh mom. That was already ruled out so don't worry. He ceased to be my type when Niel came along. I still have attachment towards him but I understand he is with Elric now."

"How do you feel seeing them together?"

"It used to hurt a lot. At the wedding, they just seem...perfect for each other and instead of feeling hurt, I was jealous but not in the kind of way you'd think. I wanted something like what they have, that level of trust. The way Niel looked at that fatso affectionately was different from how he used to look at me. I know he loved me but how could I compete with their fateship. Of course he'd love his fated more even though I still think him too good for Elric. He only scent manifested because I provoked Niel."

"Do you still have feelings for Niel?"

"He won't even look at me..."

"You haven't answered my question dear. Do you still harbor feelings for him?"

"Mora said I did."

"What do you mean?"

"When she stole my imprint, she said she saw the person I loved the most and that was me but the truth is, I loved the Mijin I was whenever it was just me and Niel."

"That was because you used to control him."

"Maybe you are right. Maybe I'm also being delusional I mean, I had two of the best guys anyone could wish for and I screwed everything up. Do you think I'll ever meet someone that will like me despite my past and my mistakes? Honestly, I want what my brother has. He is happy and I want to achieve that kind of happiness too but i cant be like him."

"You can only be yourself my dear. The things you've been through can only teach you a lesson to make you stronger or wiser. You're smart so you will soon get your aviation career back. You're strong and resilient personality will not allow you to just sit idly by and watch your life waste away. You said you wanted to be like me correct? Then be like me. Take responsibility for your actions, do right by others, don't blame people for your demise, choose peace instead of war, practice using kind words for people tend to remember harsh words more, make good networks, set down your goals and objectives then work towards them one step at at time, learn to be optimistic about life and be accountable for your mistakes, change your cycle of friends and focus on making meaningful networks with people, do to others what you'd like to be done to you and most importantly, forgive yourself for the things you can't control. Whatever happened has happened dear okay?"

"That's too much to take in..."

"One step at a time my dear. With practice, you'll be alright. I have faith in you Mijin."

"Mom, that's the nicest thing you said to me in a while, having faith."

"You must also have faith in yourself okay?"

"I'll try." Mijin chuckled. "Now go back and have a good time. Dad must be looking for you."

"Call me again if you need to talk or just say hello. Promise me Mijin."

"...I...promise."