167. Never Getting Out

"This is definitely the sound of death.., taking in the last slow deep breaths, a light final sigh, utter silence...

Darkness.

The irony is I can see everyone around me but I hear them not. I see their lips moving yet not a sound from their lips. Satisfying.., though I wouldn't say I felt the same way earlier as I did with my pets. It was a swift elimination with a lot of mistakes and disorder. Did I really want to kill them? Or maybe I had wanted to bring an end myself?

When did I become this destructive?

I used to be meticulous and neat, each cut precise, every pain felt and enjoyed; yet, the satisfaction from the act escaped me this time, lasting only for a few minutes...

It's missing right? I should be celebrating but I'm not! I am not at all satisfied!

This heat... Yes! It's probably because of it! It made me err!"

"You really did get back at me and you got me good Mijin."

"Another reminder to the defendant of her right to silence. Anything you utter will and may be used to disfavour you in the law court."

"Stop interrupting my thoughts woman!"

"Ms. Mora, this is not the first time your case has been brought to me depicting the violent nature of your alleged crimes and families of domestic workers seeking justice. You've under many circumstances escaped my hands in court and criminal proceedings brought against you in general. With the recent nature of the evidence brought foreword, and your confession, you are no longer under any conditions to escape my verdict. I should also clarify to you that your alleged crimes have ceased to be considered as such.

You've pleaded guilty to the charge of murder of a fellow accomplice and your legal representative, both the ages of thirty eight that aided you in your escape. You've however denied the charge of felony escape or planning it. Witnesses have confirmed you seemed shocked, insisting you were lured into the escape. A felony escape has a 15-year prison confinement. I will ask you now, Ms. Mora, do you wish to make a statement."

"Where I'm I supposed to find you Mijin? I thought you wanted to take vengeance. Did you give up, proving I was the smartest one of us two? That is unlike you. You never burnt bridges, you loved keeping people guessing, coming back to you for more."

"Ms. Mora, I will ask you again, do you wish to make a statement? A murder case begets 25 years and that is just one of them. Your other cases will give you an additional 10 years for animal brutality including detainment of domestic workers for personal experimenting, though that is open as of now, being handled by your father's lawyers. Therefore I urge you to think carefully before you speak. You may never be eligible for parole so this is a rare opportunity."

"What to do. My main focus is Yeon, my one and only redemption though something did strike me. Something that dammed lawyer said about me desiring you. Perhaps I already knew I held some sentimental affection towards you. You confuse me Yeon that even now, the thought of your name makes me feel fluttery. "

"You still wish to remain silent I see. The report shows even while in county jail you never said a word to anyone and preferred solitude over company."

"Do I like you? I'm I capable of affection? Of feeling?

Is that why that rogue lawyer threatened to take the space I had reserved for you as my moral compass? The attention I gave you?

He brought his passing upon himself and if it is indeed true I desire you and he knew of it, he should have told me before! I'm finally capable of feeling something, connected with emotions! Empathy, is this it?

But why does it hurt? It burns...aches... This feeling is a paradox. One moment I feel like I've finally found what I've been searching for only for it to wound for wanting to keep it. There is already somebody inside the space you keep, someone you deeply cherish, strong enough to win you over, opposing my and desire for you, for my empathy...

Stan.

I want his strength to feel, to want to keep you, convince you, possess you the way you'd like it. But where does he get this strength from? It just doesn't make sense or has my comprehension become this poor after being away from blood for this long? I don't get it Yeon, I still don't understand it or you... I don't understand myself either. Perhaps Stan finds you amusing too, enough to like you that much or feel empathy... Or desire. I want to be like him, have what he has, be him.

I have to be him!

Maybe then you would like me too if he were no more. Just like the lawyer wanted me to have a room for him, a space already reserved for you.

Wait! That means, there is no more room for me in you! That dammed lawyer and I are no different!

Why?!

You seemed like the only person who genuinely cared for me, those moments we shared, the times we spent together... Or when I watched you sleep in the campus library... Your smile, solitude, love for the simplest of things...

Why didn't you notice me? I followed you practically everywhere but you learned to love another without me! It should have been me! I've bonded with your pain already, your soul and suffering! We had a connection between us yet while I tried to catch up to you, you kept moving further and further away from me!

I still need you... Yeon...

I want what you have but I fear I'm too broken to be worth anything right now. My hands tremble at my mistakes.

I'd never used a gun before in my life...

I was desperate that day...

I just had to see blood even if it were only a tiny drop but I foolishly went for more with my impatience and greed, shutting the noice that came from that dammed lawyer's mouth. Now I have nothing except this ache I can't seem get rid of. This desire or empathy, whatever it is.'

"I'm so lonely."

"She finally speaks!"

'Before I met you, my life was normal without purpose. I'd accepted my loneliness but that day at the orientation, you greeted me with a gentle smile. Your simple greeting awakened me since you never spoke to anyone. How could I not have gotten curious about you? I felt special to you yet sadly, you hardly noticed me afterwards.

You used to hate hypocrites yet you chose their company over mine. Your so called friend only approaching you because he liked Mijin while you fancied him. I comforted myself that you'd still end up being hurt so I was going to wait for you to suffer and notice me. Maybe then was the beginning of my desire?

But what is desire really? I shouldn't have killed that lawyer for he'd have explained to me what he meant by this so called desire.

Oh well, it is rather too late to ponder over spilled milk and now that he is gone, you and I have a chance to explore this wonder identified as desire. Isn't that the true nature of love, or what mother said it was, having a special bond with someone?

Upon seeing you love and be loved, I begun to wonder and question my existence and sanity. Father said I was normal but he and I both knew I never was. Taking me to that normal school, normal military service; normal collage was the worst mistake of my life. I still wanted connection. I craved for love. I simply wanted to be loved and I still do.

I love you Yeon. This desire I feel is what connects us presently. No longer pain but empathy.

I want to keep you not as my pet nor trophy but someone important, someone like father's lover.

So, is this desire love? To love, is it to desire? I can't ignore you anymore, or this feeling, this love, this desire.

It's agonising!

I don't want to hold back anymore, I want to live, I now have purpose! Loving you is my purpose. Or is it desire?

No!

Desiring you is my desire therefore, even if I have to cut anyone's limbs who dares to threaten our conection, then I'll be dammed if I let them live.'

"This an open and shut case. We have no reason to proceed further. The accused shall be put in a maximum security asylum for inmates with a mental disorder. She will have no visitors be it family or anyone from the legal department without courts approval. She is a threat to herself and those around her as per psychiatric evaluation."

"Your honor, in line with her unstable heat condition, I suggest that would be quite extreme. She was earlier detained and her recurring heat cycles were what lead to her transfer. She can not survive without heat suppressants and the only person who could have completed her marking is deceased. Additionally, her heat affects the operation of any detaining facility. It would be impossible to constantly provide suppressants and heat inhibitors to all inmates for without them, I'm afraid their violent nature will be fueled by the accused recurring heat."

"What a frightful state to be in. Must be torturous."

"A befitting fate if you ask me."

"Opposing counselor, I'll have you keep your opinions to yourself or I will find you in contempt."

"I apologize your honor."

"In line with what you've all brought forward, I find the accused no longer a suspect but a criminal mastermind. I took the liberty to do an in-depth analysis of every proof presented including pictures that were frightful in nature. Her father's cases have also caused quite a spectacle that anyone practicing law is jumping into one of the cases for the sake of publicity. Not in my courtroom. I have no desire to extend this hearing further. As mentioned earlier, this is an open and shit case and will not proceed to an appeal court.

The accused shall be put in administrative detention for security reasons. She shall be incarcerated in a secluded prison equipped to handle inmates with similar conditions to hers, though in line with her psychopathy, I believe her to be very a clever individual. Perhaps that is why she still chooses to remain silent when questioned. There shall be no parole granted for the first 20 years of her sentence. She may not be able to comprehend the punishment given to her but the torture to endure unquenchable unstable recurring heat cycles sounds like a befitting retribution that will put her in the perfect atmosphere of reflection.

In the event an appeal is granted, I shall follow this case to the latter myself. The accused is a criminal mastermind and just as she is glaring at me, perhaps wishing to do unspeakable things to me or anyone in this courtroom, she is to remain on forced hospitalization to prevent self harm or harm to others. The court approves preventive confinement after going through her psychiatric exams. Her right to refuse treatment, except for emergencies will not be accepted and will last 72 hours every fortnight. Only the court will approve her stoppage upon a doctor's approval.

Since the accused does not have any legal representative of her own, she shall be granted one by the court when need arises just as today. The assigned legal representative will have to undergo proper scrutiny before any representation is done.

In line with everything brought foreword, the request to proceed to appeal is hereby dismissed."