142. My Insecurities

"Elric, you are way too quiet these days and I can sense you. If there is anything bothering you, talk to me openly like you used to before."

Uninterested, Elric replied, "Yeon is doing well by the way."

"I know already. I speak to him all the time."

"His parents and Stan's sent their regards too."

'Enough with evading the subject.' "Your sneaking out is what lead you to be cuffed to my wrist. The old you would have enjoyed this so I don't get why you have been giving me the silent treatment when all I've been doing preventing you from running off alone in your current state."

Elric glanced at his imprisoned hand held tightly by Niel. They'd been sitting in bed for a while post dinner, Elric refusing to retire. "I'm feeling nauseous."

"Again?"

"Yes." Elric nodded, looking away towards the bathroom.

"Fine. I'll take you"

"You could just uncuff me."

"Nope. I'm well conversant with your mischief." Niel got out of bed and gave his fated a gentle push but he didn't budge.

"Look at me. Do I look like I can take three steps without running out of breath?" Elric asked, gesturing at himself from head to toe. He locked eyes with Niel briefly then let go of his hand, which Niel grabbed onto and held it even tighter.

'Is he that self conscious of his appearance?'

Uninterested, Elric sighed and shifted his attention back at the corridor leading to the bathroom. "If you're done undressing me with your eyes, you could uncuff me."

Seeing that his fated was becoming more irritable, Niel gave in but vowed to stay awake until Elric returned. "I know you are waiting for me to fall asleep just so you can head out to who knows where. At least think of me sometimes when you act on impulse, and how I feel when I can't find you whenever I wake up to an empty bed."

Ignoring Niel's remarks, Elric struggled to get out of bed and thanked his fated however, he refused any form of assistance from him.

Niel watched Elric waddle walking towards the bathroom and mumbled to himself. "His mom said she was never this moody while pregnant. I wonder why he gets irritable by day, acting like he hates me."

'He has refused to have the pregnancy induced and insists on carrying it to full term however, the doctor informed me at this point, we can't afford to put pressure on him so just try and not stress him. If worst comes to worse, use your scent and champion strengthening each other's spiritual essence. As fateds, that's your last leverage.' Elric's mother had advised upon following up on the wellbeing of his son.

'I can sense how worried he is too. He is putting me up a front but deep inside, he is going insane in panic.'

'I've tried to speak to him but he won't budge as you said. My son has always kept to himself whenever something bothered him deeply however, I fear his worries are eating him up and it's not good for the pregnancy. As his husband, do your best to make him open up. I don't want to see another piercing or tatoo on him. Because of his impulsive outbursts, I've had to postpone the handing over process of his father's properties.'

'I understand..."

'I don't think you do. If you are unable to pacify him, then I'll have no choice but to force you two to move back in here. I will not accept any incompetency from you especially since this matter involves three lives, my son's and my two grandchildren.'

"If he can't open up to his mom whom he's repeatedly claimed to be very dear to him, how can he open up to me?"

'You seem unaware of your value to me.'

Niel remembered Elric's words a few weeks ago and having them pop up just now prompted him to stop undervaluing himself. Perhaps he'd become too complaisant about their current predicament despite convincing himself to have tried anything possible to make his fated happy.

'You're with me out of obligation.' Niel remembered yet again Elric's insecurities months before. "It couldn't be possible that he feels that way now, could it?"

'You can't just care for him only as a fated, try and connect with him and excel at it. You are treating your fateship as work, fulfilling your obligations like you have a deadline and what not! He seeks to connect intimately with you while you keep attending to him without exposing your vulnerabilities. Soon enough, he will become tired of your act and begin nagging. Elric is the kind that would multiply whatever you throw at him just like your grandma. Show him affection, he'll surrender everything to you, ignore him, he'll give you hell. How can you not act on your feelings Nelnel? Stop holding back!'

Niel's grandfather's words rang in his mind over and over. Looking at the open handcuffs he was holding, he placed them on the bedside lamp and covered his face then sighed. "I am his fated, his husband." He spoke in affirmation to himself. "The bond we share is stronger than that of pairs. Still, I don't want to manipulate him to listen to me as if this were some sort of play, that would ruin the charm in it. Perhaps since we don't do it as often as before, he's become more irritable... Wait a minute! Why is he too quiet? Elric!" Niel rushed towards the bathroom then knocked on the door upon finding it locked from inside. He called out again when he didn't get a response.

"I'm brushing my teeth."

"I don't believe you Elric, open up!" Niel's knuckles stopped mid air when the door swung open and a drenched and naked Elric looked at him. He seemed dazed when he asked, "What? I was feeling annoyingly hot. Is it cuff o'clock again?"

Niel smiled then grabbed a towel and rubbed it onto his fated's dripping hair. "We can't have you worse than you already are now can we?"

"Are you disgusted by me?"

"Wha- Why would you ask me that?" Niel asked surprised, unsure where the conversation was switching to next. Elric was good at that and he wanted to play it right this time.

"We haven't had sex in over a month."

Niel grinned then burst out laughing.

"You don't find me attractive anymore. Is that it? Answer me honestly."

"Elric, you're almost seven months pregnant..."

"I knew it." Elric cut in and passed by Niel then slowly sat on the bed while placing a hand below his lower abdomen. "I wonder if the stretch marks will go after labour... Agh! I feel so full l like I just are a horse."

"Is that the reason why you've been moody the entire evening?"

"Aren't you going to cuff me?" Elric extended his hand towards Niel. "Go on. I'm not fighting you tonight." Niel walked towards his fated and sat beside him. He gently rubbed at Elric's belly and smiled.

"If you're looking for a kick you won't get any. They are sleeping now after keeping me up the entire day." Elric pushed Niel's hand away but Niel grabbed it then kissed it, an action that left Elric feeling flustered.

'You can hide all you want but I know how to excite you to get an honest reaction.' "You rarely call me babe these days."

"I thought you didn't like it." Elric replied, looking away but the blood rushing to his ears gave him out.

"I got used to it that nowadays, it just feels weird when you don't call me that."

"You call me by my name though."

Niel kept silent at the truth in his fateds words and after some deep thinking, he spoke. "You asked me what I see when I look at you. I think you grow attractive by day, your skin glows that sometimes I think maybe it's me doing a good job at scent nourishment but pregnancy suits you. I don't know how you see yourself when you look in the mirror but what I see is a fluffy individual who belongs to me and is only for me. I think about you more than before, about us. My thoughts of our future clouds my mind that sometimes I catch myself smiling at the sight of the rings on our fingers. I know I sound very cheesy saying these words but that's how I feel so whenever you feel down and a negative thought creep into your mind, see yourself through my eyes. If that will not be enough, let me know and I can remind you myself ." Using his hand, he reached for Elric's chin and turned him to face him, then learned foreword for a kiss but Elric stopped him, placing a hand over his mouth.

"I just vomited everything I ate..."

The rest of his words were muffled by Niel's lips descending on him after pushing his hand away. Elric shook, his eyes still open and just then, his vision became cloudy and he shut his eyes tightly.

"You're...crying...." Niel spoke after pulling away. 'I've never seen him this vulnerable, let alone cry...'

"I heard you and mom gossiping about me last week. You want to ask me how it was living with my father's brothers."

"Oh shit." Niel murmured to himself.

"You are an incompetent mumpsimus, a mistake, fice, your mother a lickspittle, a failure, bastard of a fool..."

"Wait wait wait, Elric..."

"I'm listing all the insults I used to receive while living with my father's brothers. Didn't you want to know that?"

"What?"

"That's what broke me. You kept thinking it was my father's passing that changed me but that was just one thing. Majority of my self esteem was murdered when I had to live with my relatives for months as mother mourned father."

Niel stared at Elric in disbelief.

"Should I continue?"

"No, no not at all."

Elric chuckled, wiping his tears away. "Anyway, despite there being some sort of peace, the cold war still waged on and the damage was done. After I left them, I sought healing everywhere I could find. I had no one to talk to and I couldn't burden mother with my petty problems. She was dealing with the loss of a fated, and a husband so I trained myself to keep to myself and became perfect at hiding pain until I began craving and looking for it. After sometime, I learned physical pain heals faster than emotional pain. I'd have to open my insides to nurse my wounds but that would render me lifeless so one of my nannies adviced the best medicine for my emotional pain would be time, yet, I still never fully recovered. Even if I were to open up to someone, who would believe a spoilt rich boy who has everything knows what true pain felt like, or utter suffering? Even Stan laughed at me when I opened up for the first time. Thankfully, he stuck around and didn't laugh for long."

"Are you still hurt over what you went through?"

"I don't know. Perhaps my father knew I was going to go through something like this that's why he insisted in the will I find a fated mate." Looking away, Elric's ears reddened as he spoke. "Somehow, being fated is a blessing I guess. Your scent not only excites me sexually but comforts me and I feel safe. I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense."

"It does. Remember I also lived with people who didn't like me and found me a burden too, people who were my very own parents."

"But you wanted to go to the states permanently. If we hadn't gotten fated..."

"I don't think I'd have been happy there even if I were to not see my parents. See, I've thought about this many times. Mijin brought us together. You me, Stan and Yeon."

"Stan and Yeon?"

"Yes. Mijin used to be crazy over Stan and when you and Stan rescued Yeon and he scent manifested, it pissed her off a lot."

"Oh." Elric thought about how much little effort he'd put that night and regretted it, Niel misinterpreting his sudden silence.

"Don't feel bad about me mentioning her name, rather, try and see it my way. If my residual scent hadn't lingered around Mijin whenever you two met up, then I doubt if we'd ever become like this. You know this to be true." Niel pushed his fated gently to lie on the bed.

"Wait...babe..." Elric tried pushing Niel away but was slowly beginning to feel hotter and hotter as his fated continued to kiss his neck. "My belly is in the way..."

"I know." Niel spoke, turning his fated to the opposite side and hugging him from the back. "We are going to do it like this."

Elric inhaled sharply as he felt a finger slide into him and quivered.

"I don't think I'll need to prep you since you are already this wet."

"Then don't...keep me...waiting..." Elric panted.

"How impatient." Niel chuckled. "I'll try and be gentle."

"Don't be..."