11 Chapter 11: Kakashi's enemy

Kakashi Hatake, the prodigy of Konoha, the youngest Chunin the world had ever seen, should have been ecstatic. He was, for a while. But everything changed in a few short months.

"Sakumo, I'm glad you haven't taken the failure to heart," Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage, addressed the two silver-haired figures standing before his desk.

These were Sakumo Hatake and his son, Kakashi. A few days prior, Sakumo had faced a devastating mission failure, incurring the village's mockery and causing significant loss. Hiruzen, worried about Sakumo's mental state, was surprised by his unexpected recovery.

"Thank you, Third Hokage," Sakumo replied.

"And you also look... ahem," Hiruzen coughed, a blush creeping up his cheeks as his gaze darted between Sakumo's face and, well, his ass. "Quite different, to say the least."

Sakumo beamed, nodding with pride. "This is the new me. This new form imbues me with confidence."

"Father... please," Kakashi stammered, mortified beyond belief.

"Very well then. Take some time to relax around the village," Hiruzen coughed again, muttering under his breath, "My heterosexuality might be in jeopardy if I keep staring at that BEEF."

Kakashi and Sakumo left the Hokage's office, venturing down the street. Yet, regardless of where they went, onlookers followed them like celebrities. Though, their focus seemed firmly fixed on Sakumo, particularly his perfectly round rear end.

Just a day ago, everyone in the village had ostracized Sakumo for his failure. Kakashi, naturally, worried about his father's worsening state. However, after consuming a strange food offered by a suspicious child who spoke like an adult, Sakumo underwent a drastic transformation. Following a nightmarish experience, Sakumo emerged with newfound confidence... and a pair of prominent buns.

Now, everyone who once hurled insults at Sakumo had become his admirer. Fangirls were one thing, but even men... the whole thing was utterly humiliating for Kakashi.

"Maybe consider wearing looser clothing..." Kakashi suggested to his father. To make matters worse, Sakumo had taken to wearing skintight spandex.

"What do you mean, son?" Sakumo chuckled, jiggling his newfound bakery to the delight of the ladies. "It may seem embarrassing, but this has made me the man I am today. Not only for me, but it gives everyone who gazes upon my CAKE a newfound hope!"

"Stop saying that word!" Kakashi snapped.

"Hey, this is my new body, and there's no shame in embracing who you truly are," Sakumo grinned. "Now sing along with me: 'I put the new Forgis on the Jeep, I trap until the bloody bottoms underneath, 'cause all my ni—'"

"Enough!" Kakashi shrieked, covering his ears and bolting away from his father. He leaped over rooftops until he landed near the familiar sight of the dango shop.

"Ugh, I'm starving, but..." Kakashi groaned, remembering a past dango-related tragedy tied to this very shop – specifically, a certain Uchiha.

He slumped onto a bench, muttering his order for a plate.

"Here you go, Kakashi!" Obito Uchiha beamed, placing the dangos in front of him.

"…" Kakashi stared blankly at Obito, already forming a silent escape plan.

"Hold on, Kakashi! I promise I won't do anything this time!" Obito pleaded, koala-clinging to him. "We both know I'm just a victim of circumstance!"

Kakashi, unable to pry himself free from Obito's clutches, resigned himself to his fate. He'd heard rumors of a Nara prankster targeting Uchiha kids, but dismissed them as nonsense. Obito just naturally disliked him because of his talent, or so Kakashi believed.

"My treat! Absolutely no shenanigans, I swear!" Obito insisted.

Kakashi sighed, pushing past Obito, and popped a dango into his mouth. To his surprise, Obito didn't try to slap his plate away or launch a surprise kick. In fact, Kakashi finished the entire plate without incident.

"Thanks, Obito," he said with a hint of a smile. "Maybe there is hope for you after all."

"Haha, no problem!" Obito chuckled, then raised the leftover dango stick with a mischievous glint in his eye, before promptly jabbing it towards Kakashi's… balls.

Kakashi's eyes snapped crimson. He stared down at the offending appendage, then slowly turned his murderous gaze towards Obito.

"Wait, Kakashi! Let me explain! ! LET ME EXPLAIN!" Obito squeaked.

The Uchiha boy's pleas were drowned out by a flurry of fists and feet. By the time the dust settled, the once vibrant Obito had been reduced to an unrecognizable pile of unidentified meat paste.

"Ugh, why can't I get a break?" Kakashi mumbled, rubbing his sore area. Today, not only was his sexuality questioned, but his future lineage also seemed to be in danger. He just prayed not to encounter another Uchiha trying to erase the Hatake Clan lineage.

"UFFF!"

Suddenly, Kakashi was struck right in the groin. It was another Uchiha child with noodles dangling from his head.

"I'm sorry, sir! I'm chasing this thief who keeps pranking me!" The kid apologized to Kakashi with a couple of bows before starting to run again.

"Wait!" Kakashi tried to stop the kid, but before he knew it, the kid had disappeared. Besides, after taking a direct hit, Kakashi couldn't even move.

"What the hell is wrong with the Uchihas these days?!" Kakashi questioned as he tried to stand with trembling legs, but when he turned around, his face turned pale. "Oh, come on!"

"KAKASHI! KAKASHI! MY RIVAL SHROUDED IN MYSTERY! WITNESS THE TRUE POWER OF A SHINOBI! ALL THIS FLASHY NINJUTSU AND SNEAKY GENJUTSU… CHILD'S PLAY, I TELL YOU! CHILD'S PLAY! SURE, YOU CAN THROW A FIREBALL OR WEAVE SOME PRETTY ILLUSIONS, BUT CAN THEY MATCH THE RAW POWER OF THE HUMAN BODY HONED TO PERFECTION? A JUTSU RUNS OUT, A GENJUTSU CAN BE BROKEN, BUT A WELL-PLACED TAIJUTSU STRIKE? THAT LEAVES A LASTING IMPRESSION! NINJUTSU IS FOR SHOW-OFFS WHO CAN'T HANDLE A REAL FIGHT. GENJUTSU IS FOR COWARDS WHO CAN'T FACE THEIR OPPONENT HEAD-ON. TRUE STRENGTH LIES WITHIN, IN THE SWEAT, THE DEDICATION, THE BURNING SPIRIT OF YOUTH! YOU HEAR THIS! FUCK NINJUTSU AND EMBRACE TAIJUTSU! THIS IS THE TRUE PATH!"

Might Guy came running, bombarding Kakashi's ears with his voice before dashing off again. According to Might Guy, he had met a Nara kid who taught him some lessons, motivating Might Guy to reach the next level.

"Seriously, what's with everyone trying to kill me today?" Kakashi muttered. The Nara prankster theory was gaining traction - someone was definitely messing with the people around him, and Kakashi was their unfortunate target.

Exhausted and defeated, he dragged himself to a bench overlooking a breathtaking sunset. Unfortunately, his moment of peace was shattered when he noticed a dark-haired kid already occupying the other end.

"Rough day, young man?" The kid inquired, his voice surprisingly mature for his age. Kakashi's eyebrows shot up.

"W-who are you?" he stammered.

"The answer is irrelevant," the kid replied cryptically, "Since the sun never leaves the rain on top of a mirror house."

Kakashi blinked. "...What?"

The kid, seemingly oblivious to Kakashi's confusion, continued, "Misfortune is merely a number. No one truly knows their exact fate. Therefore, one must simply accept it." He then pulled out a strange flatbread topped with mysterious ingredients, along with a bottle of milk, and offered it to Kakashi.

"If fate throws misfortune your way," the kid explained, "eat food. Because after tiring times, taking a good dump in toilet is the best way to relieve stress."

Kakashi was bewildered. Who was this kid, and why was he offering food unsolicited? Yet, with his body and spirit battered, he had nothing left to lose. Besides, the food did look strangely appealing.

And so, Kakashi took a bite.

!!!

Immediately, a mouthful of flavors exploded in his mouth.

"This is delicious!" Kakashi cheered and devoured the cuisine in one go. It was spicy—super spicy—but also incredibly good! He then gulped down the milk in one go, which soothed the fiery spice in his mouth.

The entire experience had a strangely calming effect. His body felt lighter, almost invigorated.

He then looked at the kid. "Thank you."

"No need for thanks, young man," the kid smiled before hopping off the bench. "Fate may weave a web of lies and truths, but a rainbow only shows seven colors. And if someone were to drink water from a lake-"

Kakashi zoned out for a second, then caught the last cryptic message, "-The moon will always boom at night anyway because a pilgrim never stops before its destination."

"Exactly. Remember to wipe the floor with bleach because a mixture of Shinigami, Quincy, Fullbringer, and a human is unheard of." The kid started walking away. "Take care, kid."

Kakashi just watched as the kid disappeared into the horizon. He had just appeared, spewed BS, fed Kakashi, refused to elaborate further, and left.

Kakashi then looked at the setting sun, his eyes firm. "This Nara Clan member. I don't know where you are, but I will find you, and I will deal with you."

It was the kid who had changed everything for Kakashi, for the worst. Not only had he given his father what he called a "Brazilian ass," but he had also manipulated his friend—no, classmate—Obito Uchiha. And he had manipulated that Uchiha kid who rammed into Kakashi's balls. Even Might Guy had turned into an even bigger meathead than before.

And so, Kakashi affirmed his goal to confront this mysterious enemy one day.

It was at that moment that Kakashi began to smell something burning.

"What is burning—CRAP! CRAP!"

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I like torturing characters. What about you? ALSO STONES!