1 Chapter - 1

Warmth.

Safety.

Comfort.

Naruto's mind drifted in a sluggish haze of satisfaction and sloth. Rocked gently back and forth, Konoha's Number One Most Surprising Shinobi decided he was never ever going drinking with Kiba again. There was a point where drunken shenanigans moved from 'boys will be boys' to a wild blurred shitshow, and Naruto was pretty damn sure they'd moved far past that milestone.

Contrary to what he might tell others when asked, Naruto never forgot a thing that happened when alcohol was running through his veins. So he had very clear memories of being egged into providing a guffawing pole dance at several of Konoha's less-than-classy 'institutions', having Shikamaru puke in his lap, and getting into a fist fight with Lee that had caused enough public property damage for the village to dock his pay for the next decade.

Ah fuck.

Well until Sakura came barging into his room to beat the shit out of him, Naruto was quite content to laze around like a half-formed puddle of goo. A man had to take his jollies where he could get them, and if Naruto had to guess the previous evening would be the last night before a very long dry spell. Once Tsunade and Sakura got their hands on him Naruto wouldn't be seeing a drop of sake or a tasty pair of boobs in a long time, war hero or not.

If he wasn't feeling so damned lazy, Naruto might even make an effort to shed a dramatic tear or two. As it was, he wouldn't be moving an inch until someone made him.

The shaking began with a faint tremor, building slowly and jostling Naruto back and forth. Grumbling to himself, Naruto turned over. The discomfort was too gentle to be Sakura. Hinata maybe? It seemed more her style. Well it wasn't Tsunade or Sakura for damn sure, so it wasn't quite time yet for him to face the music.

Cold hit Naruto like an arctic blast, and he frowned. That was more like Sakura. Bitch. No wonder she was the eternal twenty year old virgin. He steadfastly denied Sasuke's absence had anything to do with it. Even the bastard had probably managed to pop his cherry at one point, and the whole 'waiting for Sasuke' thing his female teammate had going on had gotten old a few years ago. There wasn't a guarantee that Sasuke would be interested at all when he came back, so the medic was giving up quite a lot of fun for something that might not even happen.

Watery blue eyes opened at the hardest jolt yet to be greeted by the blurred sight of fleshy pink walls.

Well that was odd.

He certainly didn't remember summoning any of his toads and asking them to let him sleep it off in their stomachs. Gamakichi better not have gotten any fucking funny ideas, but knowing the little shit Naruto wouldn't put it past him.

The pinks walls gave a great roll, squeezing Naruto like a vice and shoving him towards a faint circle of light. Another squeeze and another shove, and then there were gigantic hands swooping in to catch him by the head and help Naruto's passage along.

Giving a grunt of annoyance, Naruto rolled his eyes. Everyone was in on the party were they? Naruto was more than capable of getting out of a toad's stomach without Chouji's help, thank you very much.

He could almost hear Hinata's quiet voice in his ear admonishing him for his rude thoughts. Well fuck, everyone was entitled to a bad day weren't they?

A final push, and Naruto was out into the world. A world full of giant people and the most ridiculously glitzy decorating Naruto had ever seen in his twenty years. Giant people in a giant room. When did he become a midget? How did he become a midget?

There was a redhaired giant reaching out for him and Naruto brought up his hands to try to defend himself. This had to be the most fucked up dream he'd had since that one about Sasuke being a ridiculous flirt - as if that bastard had that much game.

Naruto didn't give a shit if this huge guy was a titan. No one beat Uzumaki Naruto – in the waking world or the dreaming one. Even if he had to use the pudgiest fists he'd ever had attached to his body to do it. Back off big man! Nobody was allowed to eat Konoha's Number One Prankster!

Enormous hands gently took hold of Naruto's squirming body, bringing him close to what was a ridiculously pretty face for giant. It was a ridiculously pretty face for a man too, with blue-green eyes and aristocratic lines that spoke of perfect breeding.

A kind smile split the billboard sized face as the giant forced Naruto into the crook of a muscled arm. "Well aren't you just a little spitfire? Daddy's here, my little fishcake." Rumbled into Naruto's ear, and the shinobi's mouth dropped open.

"What the literal fuck." Was what Naruto had been aiming for.

A scream of "Whaaagaa!" was what his toothless gums actually produced.

*

"Just give me whatever you've got." Sasuke ordered quietly, staring at the barkeep with a dull black orb. The lavender Rinnegan was hidden behind the fall of his bangs, a streak of purple colour peering out here and there to intimidate anyone that had heard anything about the Fourth Shinobi World War.

The barkeep – a middle aged bald man with a ropy red scar cutting down his cheek – stared at Sasuke for long pause before shrugging. "All we've got round here this time of the afternoon is some rice balls and leftovers. You can have 'em if you want. Was just gonna throw em out anyway."

Giving the man a slow nod, Sasuke accepted the plate with three slightly stale onigiri. Life as a vagabond didn't pay, and unless he wanted to resort to theft the Uchiha had to take what he was offered. So while Sasuke had grown up in the lap of relative luxury, his years as a wanderer had familiarized him with poverty.

"Thanks." The Uchiha offered in a parting shot before scanning the room for a free seat. It was the middle of the day, so the inn's tavern was mostly empty. And it was Kaze no Kuni, so few people had the wealth to spend their days indoors rather than scrabbling out whatever living they could get from the dunes. Picking one on the far side of the room where he could sit with his back to the wall, Sasuke drifted over.

Guard the back and watch the exits. Even if Sasuke was the strongest warrior this side of Konoha – and perhaps the strongest in the world if Naruto hadn't kept training – old habits died hard. He was a shinobi through and through.

Sasuke sunk down, scowling slightly at the faint shake the stool gave beneath him before scooping up one of the onigiri. Pickled plum wasn't a good as tomato by any means, but it was sufficient. Skipping the idatakimasu, the Uchiha sunk his teeth into the sour and salty snack.

The world wobbled.

Chewing slowly, the Uchiha brought up his new left arm and wiped his mouth off the back of a bony hand. It didn't do much good considering his entire body was covered in rags and filth - and about fifteen years too young for that matter.

Sasuke swallowed, tongue swirling along his gums in search of a final grain of rice to try and satisfy the sudden ravenous hunger eating away at his stomach. A swollen moon, wisps of clouds, and a dark forest had replaced the smoky Suna parlour he'd been sitting in.

This was one trippy genjutsu. Sasuke brought up his right hand into a half seal, knowing full well that using the left was just participating in the illusion. "Kai!" he barked, reaching inward for the steady presence of the Rinnegan.

Nothing.

Uchiha Sasuke didn't consider himself a scholar. He hadn't spent years or decades studying the intricacies of space-time ninjutsu. Strange things sometimes happened. It was a fact of life. With enough chakra, or enough sacrifice, transport across the world or even the creation of a pocket dimension could be achieved.

However, when Sasuke sunk his teeth into a onigiri and found himself in a place and state of being quite different between one crunch of pickled plum and the next, he had to admit something was weird.

The Uchiha blinked.

"God damn".