Burnout

Oh my fucking fuck. Everything hurts...!

I knew it was coming.

This shit always happened back before after serious tournaments and competitions, even when I managed to come out relatively unscathed from the matches themselves... But even so, it always catches me by surprise the next day. The DOMS—Delayed Onset of Muscle Soreness, the bane of my existence—are fucking killing me again. And it's always the day after.

Sure, the same day it happens, you're tired and you feel drained. But it's not quite pain. But the day after, after you've had a chance to sleep and relax and think everything's good now?

Pain.

P A I N.

FUCKING PAIN.

A lot of it was bearable—arms, legs, torso... Those I was used to hurting and I could deal with just fine.

But it has to be the fucking shoulders of all places...

What you did obviously affected where it would hurt, so I was used to a lot of places hurting. Forearms, latissimus dorsi and glutes from longsword tournaments, thighs and calves after biking, biceps and upper back from climbing, lower back and bottom of the feet from marching with a rucksack, and lats again if it's boxing...

But, the shoulders? That was new. And I didn't like it one goddamn bit.

Muscles soreness in a place like an arm or buttocks was fine. Sure it hurt to move, but you didn't need them all that much in regular, everyday life, and when you did you could brace for it. It came and went, mostly manageable. Climbing up or down stairs was a doozy after squat day, sure, but that was still fine because it wasn't constant.

You could sit down or lay down and the pain would stop because those muscles didn't need to do anything.

But, the shoulders? They're tiny and weak and pathetic muscles in comparison to most everything else, having evolved to originally support a four-legged gait, rather than an upright position. We're not like birds who've been walking upright for hundreds of millions of years and rolled out all the bug patches for bipedalism, hence all kinds of weird neck, back, and shoulder pains.

Thus the shoulder muscles are constantly in use, supporting your hanging arms and keeping the bones in their sockets, pretty much regardless of position.

Do you know how easy it is to pop out your shoulder? Way too easy!

Fucking Gentle Fist—who the fuck fights with their arms constantly extended and swiping around like that? The Hyuuga do!

A good third of the moves I'd stolen from Hinata and Neji were done with the arm fully extended, utilizing the shoulders as a pivot to spin around or push an appendage around, sometimes—though not always—powered by the hips and legs. Regardless, it was an immense and constant stress unlike any other on those tiny and pathetic muscles.

I should have spent the whole month preparing for Gentle Fist, stupid, stupid, stupid...!

Of course, the entire invasion and Orochimaru debacle afterward hadn't exactly helped. But it was definitely the Gentle Fist stuff that had been the root of this problem.

PAIN.

And the worst thing was, I was stuck with this.

Think you could just lazy a day away to recuperate from the worst of it? Fuck no you can't. Standing up, lying down, sitting back... Doesn't matter; gravity's always pulling some-bitchfucking-way. Think you can just go to bed and be fine again? Think again, fucker! Every position imaginable stretches and pulls on it, because the shoulders are a complex weave of tension and support.

Meaning: it fucking HURTS.

What fucking dumbass retard monkey thought it was a good idea to stand up on two feet anyway? "Evolution" my fucking ass. Nothing but back and shoulder pain! Man was not meant to walk on anything less than four feet and now we're being punished for our hubris!

I wish I were a crab already, damn it.

"God, I need to just eat a whole cow and then knock myself out for a day or something..."

Protein. Protein. Protein.

Yesterday I ate a whole goddamn chicken I had got ready for after the invasion, and drank like three buckets of water before I went to sleep, knowing that the DOMS were coming, but it obviously wasn't enough. I thought I had more or less resolved myself to being completely burned out following the invasion, but...

"What a fucking shitshow that was..."

Outside of my fight with Neji and Orochimaru, it's just turned into one big red haze of conflict and murder and running, not surprising given how many clones I had running around with their Sharingan on, though it leaves me to again wonder at the long-term consequences of using something like that...

It's not like I have a headache, but there's a sluggishness to my mind that feels unnatural. Like a hangover, but without the dehydration or pain I would usually associate with the experience. Or a major salt deficit.

Probably did run out of some vital nutrients and... stuff?, that were important for the brain to function optimally.

I seriously need some supplements... Vitamin B or something, I have no idea. Chug some fish liver oil... Do they hunt whales here?

It's a Japanese-inspired work on a lot of levels, so I wouldn't be surprised if whale-hunting was a thing... Because that stuff would work miracles, even if I had never tried it before. If not, then fish oil would still suffice...

A knock at the door interrupts my train of thought.

I blink, looking up from my skillet and the breaded fish fillet I'm preparing with a frown. Fucking hell, who is it now?

Grabbing my beautiful new blade and threading through a belt onto my waist as I ignore the twinges of pain, I check it out.

When I open the door, it's not anyone I ever expected to see at my door.

"Hyuuga."

"Uchiha."

Not just any Hyuuga, but Neji.

Oh god, he's not here for a rematch, is he?

We stare at each other for a few seconds and I notice his eyes lingering on the sheathed sword on my hip. The glossy lacquer and richly colored silk band draw his eye, I know, which is exactly why I chose them to house such a magnificent blade in the first place. They cost half a month's earnings to buy and I had to hammer away at Tenten's place after midnight to get them, but they're totally worth it.

Also ever since I stole—won—this sword from Orochimaru, I've kept it near me.

Because... new sword. My new sword. Mine.

My precious.

This always happened to me back before, too, whenever I bought or won a new sword, that was in any way novel or new. I would keep it by my side for weeks, constantly interrupting whatever I was doing to just stand up and play around with my new toy for a few minutes, getting used to its weight and feel, making observations about its handling characteristics and dynamic profile, and just try to figure it out.

A simple pleasure of discovering the little quirks and features of a blade, making it my own through careful discovery and experimentation.

It was good to know that much hadn't changed despite everything.

Meanwhile, as Neji took in the sight of the no-doubt already well-rumored blade on my hip, I too eyed him.

He kind of looks... like shit. Like the ground beneath him might crumble away at any moment. There's a set to his shoulders and a tiredness to his eyes that wasn't there before. He was nihilistic before, but now he seems wholly resigned. Oof. Without Naruto to forcibly pull out all of his dark funk, it seems like he's gotten even worse.

Because of me, too. Sorta. Damn it, I guess I have to do something. Especially since he showed up at my place for some reason.

So, when he doesn't say anything...

"What are you now, the milkman?"

The Hyuuga doesn't quite blink, but still looks as if I had just slapped him.

"...Nevermind."

He turns around to leave, the 'this was a mistake' running through his mind plain despite his outward silence.

"I actually totally cheated, you know."

That freezes him in place, mid-step, back still turned to me. I should be too, but somehow I'm not surprised that I admitted that.

I guess I kind of do empathize with him.

"I had a Shadow Clone in the audience. So technically it was just one punch... but there was also one jutsu..." I shrug. "Even having planned it all out from the start, when they called it out with you on the ground, it didn't really feel right."

He turns around, brows set slightly to furrow. But that's all. Guess that doesn't mean as much to him, either.

I never was all that good at talking to people about their issues or helping them feel better, even when I wanted to. Though thinking back, Naruto just beating Neji up and changing his entire outlook on life does seem kind of farfetched, now that I think about it.

Did he find out about the Kyuubi seal during that whole realization, somehow?

But, well, that's just shounen logic for you, I guess?

"Saw you and Hinata yesterday. Good work with Gaara."

After Naruto had taken down Shukaku, it had been up to the two Hyuuga to seal away the tailed beast as Gaara awoke, with them both continuously tapping away at the browless redhead to keep his tenketsu sealed despite his rabid raccoon infection. At least long enough that Jiraiya could show up and seal him away properly and take him prisoner.

It had been quite the spectacle, with even a lot of my surviving clones getting in on the action, though mostly to keep the civvies safe from the ongoing Kaijuu rumble.

I think Naruto even got to make a speech about his own seal or something, but I wasn't around for the whole thing.

Sakura took out Kankuro on her own, too. She's known how to make threads for what, a couple of months now? And she already uses them skillfully enough to put a puppeteer on the back foot, by setting up string traps to cross Kankuro's wires and follow them back to their source.

Fuck, at this rate she'll take down Gaara next and be 3 for 3.

With the right application of chakra, it was entirely possible to turn a kunai into something like a bunker buster. Or, with a little bit of sealing skill, some copper, and an understanding of superplasticity, it would be entirely possible to craft a high-explosive anti-tank weapon.

With a little bit of tweaking to her current skillset, she probably could take out Gaara solo.

The thought of a competent Sakura is still too weird for me to really wrap my head around, so I try not to think about it too much.

Not that any of that explains why Neji is here now at my doorstep. Because It doesn't seem like he's looking for a rematch, after all.

Finally, he turns around and nods. But then he goes back to the awkward silence. And not just a 'neither of us has anything to say'-kind of normal silence, but the awkward, 'well, what is it?'-kind.

Fine, I guess I'll have to try again, then.

"I can see why you would feel so strongly about Hinata, but I still think it's unfair to her."

Brows fully furrowed, he rocks back from my words, astonishment and confusion followed by quiet but intense outrage blooming in his blank eyes.

"Sure, your father died because of her, but he also chose to do it. To me, it almost seems like you're spitting on his memory by doing that."

"...What?"

Neji is back to utter confusion. He has no idea what I'm talking about, at all.

Wait... Did I just say something I'm not supposed to know?

Wasn't this common knowledge? Hinata nearly got kidnapped by a Cloud ambassador, Hiashi slapchops his internal organs at point-blank range, Cloud throws a bitchfit and threaten war unless they get the killer's body in a patently obvious play for the Byakugan and so Hisashi volunteers to do it in as much a final fuck you as an act of familial piety...

Oh, right. Hiashi was in the audience in canon with Hinata's sister and he had a heart-to-heart with Neji only after the fight.

Right, brain work not good so now, tired too now.

Now how do I salvage this?

"You weren't told?" I ask, more to buy time than anything else. Keep it vague, dumbass.

"What?" he repeats, with more than a little heat entering his voice as he swallows the knot forming in his throat. "Told what?"

I wait a few seconds before answering, searching his face for any reaction.

"That your father volunteered?"

"He—he what?" he almost shouts, face flushed stepping forward.

"I think... " I inhale slowly, letting Neji process for a few seconds. "That maybe you should ask your uncle about what happened."

White eyes bore into mine, a rejection of the notion, decrying how absurd it would be for him to even attempt something like that on his lips. To approach the head of his clan—a man who can at any moment pull the figurative trigger and blow any branch member's brains out, demanding for answers or something.

And maybe it really is, outside of the circumstances of canon following the match with Naruto...

But at the same time, I don't really get the feeling that Hiashi was supposed to be a villain.

Sure, the entirety of the Hyuuga clan was one massive fuck up and fanfics were usually more than happy to lambast the clan head and council of elders for it, much in the same vein as with Naruto and Konoha itself. So maybe it's just my contrarianism talking, but I think Hiashi might not be half as bad as he makes himself out to be.

"I don't know. It was just something father mentioned before he died. Maybe the Uchiha were wrong about it and it's not like I can ask anyone about it anymore," meaning you can't prove or disprove anything I said just now, unless you've somehow got Itachi on speed dial or something. Anyhow, to bring this back to the point that'll get Neji off my back. "I think you should just ask him."

I grimace and shrug.

"What's the worst thing that could happen? He fries your brain for being uppity?" I try to insert some levity into the very real possibility and Neji obviously does not appreciate it, judging by the glare. "Compared to the misery that is not knowing, I mean?"

That gets to him, rocking him back on his heels like a physical blow, far heavier than the punch I threw at him yesterday.

"If he refuses to answer, I guess that's an answer all of its own in a way, too." I shrug again.

Neji's eyes fall to the ground, past me and the physical world. The set in his shoulder changes, resignation slowly giving way to the resolve of a man willing to face death.

He inhales, straightening up and shaking off the dismal aura that had been clinging to him.

"The Sharingan truly can see things that the Byakugan cannot." Not sure how serious or sarcastic he's being, but I think I just made a friend. "My congratulations on your victory, Uchiha-san."

"Sasuke's fine, unless you want me to call you Neji-sempai?"

He scoffs. "Sasuke-san, then."

I smirk, accepting the formality without further complaints. "You ever want to spar and whip me around, don't be a stranger."

Neji looks at me for a moment, before shaking his head with a scoff. "Perhaps."

He inclines his head a minute degree and then wordlessly leaves.

"...Well, that was a thing. Now... Food." And then, well maybe it was time for another look at the new sword. Again. Really, nothing got me going like the prospect of a new sword, now or before, as the three new nicks and scratches in my kitchen ceiling could attest.

"Hihihihihi... Ouch!"

Fucking shoulders.

"What do you mean I can't keep it?" I ask as I continue slowly eating my fish. "It's mine."

Kakashi smiles, though I can tell he's not really feeling it.

I've pointedly not offered him a thing, seeing as how this is no social call, as I eat by my small table in the kitchen.

"Maa, I'm sure they will give it back, but for now it would be best if you gave it to me. Who knows what kind of traps Orochimaru might have put on that sword..."

"...That's bullshit. And, I won it fair and square," I heatedly object, glaring at him. "I practically wipe out half the invading force on my own, scare the hell out of old snake face, cut off his arms and legs when he tries to run, and then present him in a neat little unconscious and bleeding package to the ANBU, and this is the thanks I get?"

It's actually more like Orochimaru tried to run once he realized fortune wasn't in his favor—a very smart decision, one I would have tried myself in the same situation, and in fact had been thinking to pull on him if we ever met under any other circumstances than a full-blow invasion—which exacerbated his breathing problem and made him pass out when I chased him down.

He tried pulling a few dozen diversions, but the Sharingan didn't fall for it, of course. Also, Shadow Clones all around us.

Honestly what remained of his summoned snakes were a bigger problem at that point than he was.

So I tried to carry him, but then he woke up after his breathing evened out a little, and he was getting heavy anyway, so I chopped off his limbs with my beautiful new sword, knocked him out with the Sharingan, and then tied up the stumps with ninja wire to keep him from bleeding out.

Also, made it a lot easier to haul him around till I found someone I could toss him to. A lot less impressive than the fight that preceded it, really.

Thinking back, I'm not sure what stayed my hand from just killing him, the rationalizations too lost in the haze of yesterday.

And, sure, Naruto and company handled Shukaku and the siblings along with a sizable part of Suna's forces, and Konoha's own ninja more than held their own... But by my casual counting there were at least fifty dead ninjas with a black, red, and white fan-feathered arrow sticking out of them lying around Konoha.

Standing by the Hokage monument and just plinking away was actually a lot of fun.

And the bow kind of did work out, even if it missed a lot of the time due to distance and the unpredictability of ninja fights. But still got a fair few, and locked down a few fronts long enough for other Leaf ninja to mount a counter-attack with merely the threat of my sniping, while Konoha forces could move freely wherever I could see. So totally made myself useful.

Or how about the fact that the Hokage's still alive and kicking?

Sure, I can't come out and claim that it's because of my intervention, but I know that if I hadn't taken out that fat fuck from the Sound Four, then things might have turned out very differently. Anybody remember the purple box of instant death? I do! Anybody remember the Shinigami getting summoned and eating the rest of our kage? I do!

Didn't happen now, did it?! Also, you know, beating the shit out of Orochi-fucking-maru all on my fucking own! So how about some fucking recognition here, huh?!

Okay, cool it Sasuke. Tantrums do not results get.

"You know that I've been looking for a good sword, Kakashi, and this thing is the best there is." I'm not whining. I'm not whining, damn it! "Nothing I've seen or handled even comes close. Do you know how many of those Oto-nin I took out by just cutting through their kunai?"

The jounin sighed heavily, seeming slumped over and drawn from the events of the past day and a half, and I almost felt bad for him.

But it's my fucking sword, damn it!

"Even so, the Hokage has ordered for the sword to be analyzed and secured until further notice," he reiterates patiently. "Given everything else, including your possible promotion following the exams, it would not look good if you were to make needless trouble now."

Son of a bitch.

'Give the sword or we'll hold back on the promotion we both know you've more than earned', is it?

I bite my lip, almost drawing blood, before I sigh.

"Fine." The word comes out like a curse.

Reaching down, I untie the silk ribbon holding the lacquered and finely painted scabbard on my belt, gently wrapping the whole package up again with the proper knot.

Another beat of hesitation and I grimace.

"The silk cord and scabbard are mine, too. As in, I bought and paid for them." My Sharingan whirl into existence, spitting sparks and bleeding malice. "If there's so much as a bump or scratch when I get it back..."

I let the threat hang as I extend my hand.

Kakashi merely eye-smiles and accepts the sword.

"Maa, maa... Anyhow, team 7 will not have any missions until further notice. Not a vacation, exactly, but we are to remain on stand-by until word from the Hokage comes."

Hmm.

That could mean a lot of things. Maybe Jiraiya's looking to go traveling with Naruto again, or maybe there's something else afoot. I hadn't been hearing too much about the exact details of the invasion, so who knew what was going on. Pretty sure I saw some sand flying around after we took out Gaara, too, but I don't really know what that was all about.

"So I'm effectively under house arrest?" I ask.

He doesn't answer, which is an answer all of its own.

It's not that they don't trust and appreciate what I've done, but everything is a complete mess right now.

They just don't have the capacity for dealing with me right now, considering that I'm a low-priority and likely-to-remain-stable issue, compared to sorting out the shitshow that was a treacherous invasion by two allied villages.

Handling the wounded, securing the prisoners like Gaara and Orochimaru, starting the negotiations with the remaining hostile ninja, figuring out whether we needed to gear up for a retaliatory strike on either village and et cetera et cetera, all of which took precedent over little old me. It wasn't like I was going to turn missing-nin and burn down half the village just because they'd not paid enough attention to me for a few days.

I get that, but still... It rankles a little.

Emotions don't usually make sense. The shoulder pain and murky memories of yesterday still flashing through my mind probably don't help either.

I breathe and bring it under control, crystallizing the sentiment and accepting it. Fuck it if I care. So long as I get my sword back...

"Fine."

I sneer at him. "Now if you don't have anything else, then get out. And don't come back unless you've got my vest or my sword." A beat. "Actually, don't come back until you've got both."

The scarecrow smiles placatively at my acerbic words, perhaps amused or comforted by the familiarity of the routine. The man really needs some real friends if he finds me of all people comfortable to hang around with.

"Enjoy your dinner, Sasuke."

With that, he leaves.

"It's lunch, jackass," I complain as I continue gingerly eating.

Though I guess I should already start planning dinner, too. Recovering was as much about proper nutrition as it was about rest, after all. Maybe I could supplement with some creatine, magnesium, or potassium...?

"Getting some more fish shouldn't be a problem... But I don't think I've ever seen any bananas. Hmm, this might be a problem."

Another knock.

I grumble, hobbling slowly to the door with my banana in hand as I munch away. How damn many people are going to visit me today?

"Hey, Sasuke—huh, what are you eating?"

"Naruto," I observe, taking another chomp, eyeing his hyper-active face coolly.

Because of course, the Kyuubi does away with pesky things like DOMS, too. So not fucking fair. He ran around just as much as I did, yet he's just as peppy and popping as usual. Fucking fuck, I swear to fucking god, I deserve konner waifus to heal my body and heart with their soft and warm fluffy tails, and...

"Uh, Sasuke?"

"Mm, yeah? This? It's my banana, get your own."

He blinks.

"Right, fruits and vegetables that don't go into ramen are beyond your meager mental faculties to recognize, broth brain. Don't worry your pretty little head about it. Now, what do you want?"

He blinks again, tilting his head curiously before deciding that he's not going to even bother.

"Me and the Pervy Sage are going to go looking for this super famous doctor, you wanna come?"

"How about 'fuck' and—" no, wait a minute.

There was something about that. Something important.

Anyhow, I guess this means the Hokage did get busted up some, or at least is looking to retire properly anyhow so Jiraiya's going out to look for Tsunade.

Guess they're leaving earlier because there's no funeral for the Hokage? Never was too clear on the exact timeline around this time...

But that's not important. Well, it is, but not personally relevant to me, because... Itachi is about to make his move soon, if canon holds. If I leave with Jiraiya and Naruto, I'm pretty sure I can just wait until brother dearest decides to show up. But... I'm pretty sure he'll just fuck me up if I try to fight him head-on.

Orochimaru is one thing.

Uchiha fucking Itachi is something entirely different.

I miss when I could say "Orochi-fucking-maru" and have that be my big bogeyman... I thought with dry amusement. It's only been a day since that changed. Sort of.

Anyhow, if I decide to join Jiraiya, who knows what he'll think up to keep me occupied while he goes skirt-chasing and peeping. Especially since I'm pretty sure he has no intention of teaching me anything compared to at least the minute interest he seems to have in Naruto.

"Why are you asking me? Isn't he your teacher?"

Naruto frowns. "Well... Yeah. But you're better at explaining things."

Huh.

Did I just feel touched by this? Naruto is literally just selfishly trying to string me along for his own benefit... But somehow he manages to make it seem like such a pure and heartfelt request in his own awkward way, instead.

Fuck, why couldn't you be a cute blonde girl. Or a foxy half-kitsune, or something. I'd just...

"Hmm," I humm, realizing something distantly.

I'm still super fucking horny from getting blue balled by Orochimaru. Or well, rather, from realizing that I almost got honey potted by a decrepit body-hopping megalomaniac. Just because he was kind of hot doesn't make it not wrong.

And because of my mental exhaustion, it's starting to leak through again.

I might need to look into venting some of my frustrations, soon, if this was going to be a problem moving forward.

ANYHOW, Itachi.

"Did Kakashi say anything?" I ask.

The blond blinks and shakes his head. He probably hasn't seen our 'sensei' since the second exam ended, I realize with a sigh.

"Well, I got told to stay here. So unless Jiraiya specifically wants me along," I begin to say, waiting for confirmation of any kind, and receiving none, continue. "Then I think I'll have to pass."

"Oh..." His face scrunches up, as if he's trying to think of a counter-argument and I take the moment to try and sort out my own thoughts.

Itachi will most likely visit Konoha first, and if I miss him then I still have one more shot at him if my clones shadow Naruto at a distance. None of my half-baked tricks are still worth even trying out against a matured Sharingan—as my own clones can attest—directly, so my best shot is an ambush, which a Shadow Clone can do just as well as I can.

Or rather, better than I can right now.

They're just chakra construct whereas I've got an actual brain that's tired and running low on vitamins and shit and shoulders that scream every time I try to reach for the salt shaker.

It's not like I can let things play out like in canon and have Naruto survive the near-kidnapping attempt that way. Especially since I won't be showing up to go all Itachiiii, Chidoriii, oww my arm, ow fuck Tsukuyomiii bzzz-zop lights out, plz rez Tsunade-sama, like in canon to buy Jiraiya enough time to finally show up.

"Are you okay? You're making a lot of weird faces right now..."

I sigh.

"No. I'm tired."

"Oh..." Naruto sags, obviously disappointed and disheartened.

"Besides, it's not like you've got the hang of all of the stuff I've already shown you yet. So work on those while you're out of town, won't you?" I offer, though he only shrugs. "Honestly, all you need to do right now is get your clones to be able to Flicker, and you're golden."

He grumbles and kicks at the dirt.

I roll my eyes at his laziness.

If he worked half as hard as he talked about working hard then he'd be an absolute monster already. Really, I wonder what goes on in that head of his sometimes. Other than the sloshing of ramen broth and dreams of Hokage-hood, I mean.

"Wait here a moment."

I turn around and leave him by the doorway for a minute, returning with a bundle of bananas.

He squints in a confused manner at the proffered yellow-bendies. "Uh...?"

"They're brainfood. Maybe you'll manage to develop sapience if I start feeding you right." I shake my head. "Who am I kidding. I should be realistic about my goals. Sentience would be a good lifetime achievement here."

He doesn't understand half of my insult, but judging by his furrowed brows he got the gist anyhow, now mulishly glaring at me.

"Just take 'em. They're pretty sweet. You might like it, just don't forget to peel it first."

He frowns, before accepting the fruit. Or were they technically berries? I can't remember.

"Now go away. I need to knock myself out until I stop hurting."

Naruto's owlish look is the last I see as I slam the door in his face and turn around, heading back inside.

Crashing back onto my bed, I look over to my nightstand and the clock. It's barely past noon, but this day is already a complete bust so whatever.

"Water, check. Seven bananas... Well, five is close enough. A whole fish fillet and half a cold-smoked salmon, check." I run through the list quietly.

With this, I should have enough nutrients in my body to tide over the worst of my DOMS. With a nod, I perform the cross handseal and summon three Shadow Clones, leaving my chakra at a fourth of max capacity. It's roughly the sweet spot I've found between propounding chakra growth and decent physical recovery. Any lower and it seems to affect the quality of my sleep.

Three clones isn't really enough, and this would be the point in time where my triskelion tattoo would shine again, but unfortunately, I'm pretty much wiped at the moment thanks to Orochimaru and his bloody invasion.

But, well, it's not like it all has to happen today. Maybe Itachi and Kisame don't come knocking until only like, tomorrow or something. Who am I kidding—of course they'll show up today. Not like I can help it. Just work with what you've got Sasuke...

"Alright, bro. Knock me the fuck out."

The nearest Shadow Clone scoffs, Sharingan whirling to life as suddenly my consciousness is pulled in, pooled into that blazing ring of—

"Aaand he's out," the clone next to me observes.

"I wish I could have done this back before. Just..." a finger-snap. "And out like a light. Like a snooze button that, you know, actually makes you snooze on demand."

"Or hey, Shadow Clones. This shit is still so fucking awesome."

"I know, right? He's in pure agony, meanwhile..." I roll my arms, throwing a few light punches in the air. "Nothing. Feel fucking great, man."

The other two clones agree with grins.

"Alright, let's dump him in the cellar and then get to work."

"Who's gonna go sit on the monument with the bow and arrows?"

The invasion—while a target-rich shooting gallery of distracted high-value targets—had also demonstrated the shortcomings of using a bow for sniping against ninja. The long flight along with the large arrow-profile-to-mass made it very vulnerable to scatter.

Even a little bit of wind, temperature, or humidity could affect the arrow a lot along the way.

That, and ninja had a tendency to move around a lot during fights.

So mostly, despite how effective it had been chakra and money-wise, it was still something I was forced to relegate into being a primarily ambush or assassination tool only. Maybe if I had stuck with trying to figure the bow out all this time, I could have figured it all out...

But the hiccups in R&D couldn't be helped. Well, not as if I have to stop now.

"I'll go. I'll shoot the whistling signal arrow if I see the weebs show up."

I look at the clone strangely, until I understand his joke. Only mega-weeaboo's wore Akatsuki robes back before.

We shake our heads in unison. Well, maybe a bit of levity in the face of imminently approaching S-class missing-nin was fine.

"Alright, then I'll go tail Naruto and Jiraiya, just in case."

"Don't let them get too far—I only remember they're like heading to Tanzaku or someplace, not where Itachi catches up to them."

The clone nods. "Right, but can't let the toad spot me either, I know, I know..."

"Which, I guess leaves preparing a backup plan for the first ambush for me then," I say with a nod. "Motherfuckers, let's get to it."

We hoist the unconscious lug into the kitchen, where the hidden trapdoor to my new basement lies, dumping him in a position where his shoulders aren't straining, and then leave the house to fulfill our respective jobs.

The other two simply turn into their raven forms and fly out the window, while I'm heading towards Konoha's shopping street with the beginnings of a burgeoning plan to deal with Itachi in mind.

Only as I open the front door, I run into an unexpected face.

"Geh—I mean, Sakura. Hey..."

"Sasuke-kun!" she greets me, eyes widening as she practically glows with happiness. "I, umm, I heard from sensei that you were feeling sore, and I..."

I look down, noting the salve she's carrying. Is that...

"Tiger balsam?"

"Huh?" She blinks.

I guess it's not called that here.

"A herbal ointment?"

"Yes!" She perks up, offering it immediately. "I made it myself—there was a recipe for it in one of the books I had from the library, and it's supposed to be really good for aches and pains!"

"Huh." I accept it, slightly awkwardly. "Thanks."

Fuck. Am I supposed to put it on now? Or do I tell her I'm just a clone... The mental image of Sakura hovering over my real self, giggling to herself as she watches over his sleep, washes through my mind. Better not.

Turning around, I take off my shirt while ignoring Sakura's panicked squeak behind.

Skimming gently with one finger, I take just enough to apply a thin layer on my shoulders and arms. Enough that she can smell it, but not wasting it if it did actually work for real me, immediately feeling that familiar tingle from it working.

This stuff might be even stronger than what my mom used to buy...

The characteristic scent wafts up into my nose, slightly different but incredibly refreshing nonetheless as I put my shirt back on. Then I toss the rest of the jar onto a table inside the house before exiting and closing the door.

Ignoring the flushed Sakura, I lock the door.

"I need to go shopping..." I say by way of explanation, half-hoping she'll back off and go home with that. But of course, she sees it as an opportunity to tag along.

"Ah, Sasuke-kun, I needed to, umm, buy some new kunai too. Do you want to... go together?"

I hide my grimace.

She's still an annoyance... But she did credit herself pretty well during the invasion, practically shattering Kankuro's doll with well-placed chakra strings and a Flicker Sling.

But do I really want to string her along or encourage her like this?

Eh, fuck it. I might as well continue grooming her like this, since it's producing results. If nothing else it should keep her from being a useless pest or getting killed completely pointlessly. It'll be real me's problem, anyway. Both the future consequences and the money I'm about to spend.

Besides, even if real me didn't want to admit it, Sakura was starting to become okay company. I think he was unconsciously treating her the way he did, because he didn't want to get trapped by an unthinking yes man. Which she still sorta was, but...

Well, might as well run some recon to see how well Anko-sensei's teachings stuck.

"Why don't I buy you a pair of chakra steel kunai?" I ask. "They work a lot better with the Flicker techniques. I noticed you've gotten pretty good with it."

"Y-yes!"

It comes out half like a question, but whatever, I can just make her carry my stuff under the pretext of still being sore...

Now, where do I find lamp oil, rope and explosive tags...

Sorry, Sasuke, I can't give credit. Come back when you're a little, ummm, richer.

A sharp whistling sound cuts through the air, causing me and Sakura to look up as one.

"What was that?" she wonders, sounding more as if she simply wishes to hear me talk than actually asking out of any sense of curiosity or caution.

"My cue to go."

"H-huh?" she blurts, missing a step.

"Mind holding onto my wallet for a while?" I ask without waiting for her reply and tossing the pouch to her.

"S-Sasuke-kun, wai—"

But I've already taken off, turning into a raven as I accelerate with as much speed as my chakra construct body can handle, taking care to maintain the items I've purchased within me, knowing that I'll need them soon.

Gaining altitude I soar until I find the scene of battle.

It's not that different from the anime - Asuma, Kurenai, and Kakashi facing off against Kisame and Itachi by the river. And they're all on their feet, despite the moisture dripping from the nearby trees and marking the stone and dirt all around them. Water jutsu, or the clone explosion by Itachi?

Gai doesn't seem to have arrived yet, either.

Then my Sharingan spots the difference.

A dozen arrows sporting the white, black, and red fan-fletching litter the scene, some sticking out of the ground, others in the water or snapped in two, with one even stuck to Kisame's big bandaged sword.

Seems like my support has kept Kakashi from getting Tsukuyomi'd, but not much else.

I wonder how they managed to avoid getting hit by the first arrows, given bow clone must have had the advantage of surprise on his side. Maybe the fighting had already started, or maybe the two Akatsuki somehow managed to sense the projectiles.

Well, the real me would find out once the bow clone popped along with all the other intel he would have managed to gather on Itachi and Kisame.

It probably wouldn't be much, but it would be a start.

My eyes spot the screaming raven pulling into a dive a few seconds before the gathered jounin below do. I can see Itachi's posture change as he realizes he's the target. A split second before the raven hits home it transforms and flashes through three handseals in a mid-air divebomb Chidori.

And despite how awestruck the three Konoha jounin are, Itachi does not even miss a beat as he catches the arm out of the air in some kind of armbar throw that'll have my fellow clone slam face-first into the water.

But not to be outdone—or perhaps already aware that this would happen before he pulled into a dive—the clone explodes by detonating his own chakra.

Huh, so that's how the Shadow Clone Explosion works... Though the effect is pretty disappointing compared to an elemental jutsu for the cost. It would need to be tested more at a later date, as right now...

Itachi stands a few meters away from the explosion, appearing unruffled by the jutsu aside from some scuffs, as the rocking surface of the water calms and spraying droplets fall pitter-patter.

'Kisame, we're leaving,' I manage to lip-read despite the vast distance between us and the shark-man who looked just about ready to cream his pants from all the people lining up to fight him nods, reigning in his gargantuan chakra and bloodlust with nary a complaint.

Kakashi says something and I realize he's about to give chase.

Oh boy... I know what's coming from Itachi's posture, and fuck that. Kakashi might be a deadbeat and an ass, but fuck getting Tsukuyämi'd.

Sakura's stolen Flicker Sling, go! I un-Transform in mid-air, draw one of the kunai I'd bought, and throw it before re-Transforming without having lost too much forward momentum or height.

Itachi practically dodges before the chakra steel projectile is loosed, which partly explains why the arrows had been so useless until now. Is there some kind of precognition at work? Or maybe I need to start working on reining in my killing intent, or something.

Gai chooses this moment to make his entrance, making a massive kick at Kisame who manages to block it despite his surprise, and I can feel the impact all the way up here in the air as a shockwave.

Fucking monsters, the both of them.

Only hearing Kakashi's warning halts the Beautiful Green Beast, allowing the two missing-nin to make their exit as they rush towards the outer walls of Konoha, eastward. I wonder, how do they know which way to go...?

I couldn't remember them interrogating anyone in the anime—did they overhear someone?

Well, whatever, there's a good spot ahead I remember from all those D-rank missions...

The jounin start giving chase again, since Kakashi didn't get creamed this time, but I don't care.

Pulling into a dive ahead of them I hurry to the site of my second ambush on the two, transforming back into my regular form still halfway to the ground as I pull out the sealed items I had bought. Lamp oil, rope, linked explosive seals, and packs of cheap mass-produced shuriken and kunai...

Sixty seconds so long as they don't change course...

I break through the canopy and my hand reaches out to a branch, allowing me to spin around it to cancel my momentum and re-direct my fall along the trunk, sliding down to the ground.

Rushing to the three spots to create an ad-hoc trap, I use the treetrunks as a backing for the explosive seals, placing either oil canisters in front of it and then some of the cheap projectiles, hoping to create an acceptable copy of a Claymore mine. The seals will explode against the tree trunks, re-directing most of the force towards the oil—hopefully igniting it—and then finally sending the stacked projectiles flying somewhere towards the middle of the triangle.

Thirty seconds... I can hear footsteps already. Damn, they sped up. More like twenty, no fifteen.

Forget the snare and kunai slingers then. Bought the rope for nothing, damn it.

I toss aside the excess gear and then light the linked explosives tag, giving me twenty seconds as I jump down just past the center of The Killzone.

My heart is pounding and I force myself to breathe slower.

Just a clone. I'm just a clone... I was always going to die anyway, at least this way I get to make it nice and flashy, I think with grim levity and it helps a little.

Of course, Uchiha Itachi can do so much worse than just death. I don't even have any damn memetic hazard protocols yet...

Deep, slow breaths.

Does this even help? Pretty sure I don't actually have lungs.

Doesn't matter—they're here.

The two cloaked figures, one tall and broad of shoulders and the other so slim and unassuming you might make the mistake of overlooking him, come to a halt as we see each other. They're just short of The Killzone, somehow perhaps sensing the trap.

Damn it—ten seconds left.

I can't disable the trap, not without revealing it. But at this rate it will just go off and hit nothing. How did they even know to stop that far? Wouldn't you normally be at least a little bit closer? Aren't they being pursued by jounin? They can't seriously be wary of me, right?

Their faces are blank, saying nothing.

It is only by virtue of my fully-developed Sharingan that I dare look at them directly. Kisame is fucking dangerous, but if it comes down to it I can escape him at this distance. It's Itachi that's a complete mystery to me, beyond the Mangekyo Sharingan. I never really bothered to pay attention to Shippuden, even if I vaguely remembered that Itachi had died at Sasuke's hands at some point.

Not really a comfort right now.

What I knew of him from back before wasn't going to help, so basically, I could only really think of him as Kakashi+1. At least the Monument clone would have some firsthand experience with observing them in action, giving the real me a proper baseline to work with.

Eight seconds...

Fine, maybe I can bait him with some theatrics.

I start walking forward, bringing my hands up to the snake seal. A trill of excitement runs through me as Itachi mirrors me, stepping forward and we finish the handseals for the Great Fireball jutsu as one—No, wait.

The blink of an eye and the genjutsu unravels, revealing that I'm standing alone in the forest.

Letting the chakra for the fire jutsu unravel without being realized, I look around, trying to find the two Akatsuki, but they're both gone already. And that's when the explosion tags go off, engulfing me in raging flames and molten shards of steel.

Fuck, third time better be the charm!

Things seemed to more or less go along canon lines with Naruto and Jiraiya as they left Konoha.

I'd never had to figure out how to stalk people in my bird form before, so I kind of had to figure it out as I went along.

I couldn't just stay in the air above them, since flying wasn't hovering and I needed a certain amount of forward momentum to maintain lift under my wings. But I couldn't just make strafing runs back and forth in the sky, either, or Jiraiya would notice me for sure. A big circle was out for much the same reason.

So I had to emulate real birds, real ravens, to maintain the cover of my disguise.

Flying to and fro, sometimes high and flying sometimes low, landing on the ground, looking for food and other interesting things, waiting on tree branches for the two to walk past, and the like.

It was actually kind of fun, coming up with all kinds of ways to remain inconspicuous as a bird, even with the dark clouds of Akatsuki looming on the horizon.

They took it pretty slow but they did eventually make it to a town, an unremarkable thing situated at a crossroads between two trade routes from the looks of the many travelers and merchants on the streets. Jiraiya near immediately departed to go chasing some lady he spotted, leaving Naruto to make his way to find a hotel—a worn down two-story thing that tried to scream 'cheap accommodations but came out more as 'food poisoning' in my opinion.

Naruto somehow looked at home despite all that, regardless of his clear annoyance with Jiraiya.

Then again, I knew how he lived, so that wasn't a surprise.

I had to circle the building twice until I found a decent spot to land on, failing to find an angle with a view of both the hallway and into Naruto's room, and having to settle on merely a view into the hallway. If memory served me correctly and canon did not fail me, then Itachi would be coming to knock on the door, so it should be fine.

In theory, it was possible that my other two clone-selves had managed to take my brother out already, but realistically speaking I found it highly unlikely. I was getting pretty good, but I wasn't quite there yet.

Or rather, even with a month of prep, Orochimaru still nearly got me while playing with the kiddie gloves on.

So right now my priorities for preparation and planning were two-fold: keep Naruto out of Akatsuki's hands and get my hands on some of that dank Amaterasu fire Itachi could throw around.

The former, while not easy, was still something I should more than be able to manage, given that I only needed to buy enough time for either Jiraiya or Gai—if he was coming, not something I could take for granted—to show up, for the two missing-nin to pull out. The latter wasn't as important, but if I could get my hands on some of that black fire in a seal, then in the future I would be able to pull off some real shenanigans.

Nothing quite says sabotage like an unrestrained, unquenchable fire that burns for seven days. Actually, that has nothing to do with wooden clogs, now that I think about it...

I shook my head.

Etymological gaffes could come later.

The biggest problem with the latter would be actually sealing the stuff. For one, just because Jiraiya could do it with ease didn't mean that I could. For another, there was no guarantee that he would let me do it at all, or even then to keep the damned thing, knowing where it came from.

But I had come somewhat prepared for both possibilities. A seal scroll I knew worked for regular jutsu fire and the excuse that I would need to confront Itachi in the future anyhow, so I needed all the practice I could get with his cursed flames while I could get it.

It wasn't much, but I hoped it would be enough.

Focus on keeping Naruto safe first, dumbass. Secondary goals come second for a reason.

Perched on the roof of a building, I took my time looking around.

Having spent most of my life in Konoha it was actually pretty interesting to just look at how the common man lived. Wave country had been a bit of a backwater shithole, but I had attributed much of that to Gatou's reign of terror, whereas now I wasn't quite so sure. A lot of the settlements near Konoha were something akin to satellite settlements, not only directly answering to the hidden village but also receiving many of the benefits that Konoha enjoyed over this city.

Running water, electric lights, warming houses without relying on fire, central planning for streets and districts, the level of sophistication of architecture... None of that here.

It was like stepping into a completely different world or time period.

Sure, Konoha had dirt roads and most buildings were made out of wood, but by comparison this town was like a filming set for some Japanese period drama, or some kind of historical tourist attraction, since to contrast the archaic buildings most people walking around had relatively modern clothing.

I've never really bothered to explore this world, huh...?

I only vaguely remembered the other nations, more often visited in fillers and movies than in the main plot, so even without the insularity brought about by the hidden villages, my grasp on the geopolitics was shaky at best.

But even back in Konoha it was odd at times.

It was a strange dissonance - combining pre-modern warfare and political structures with the apparent social structures and technological sophistication of a post-industrial society.

Certainly, the existence of chakra and the multitude of ways it could be used made a lot of 'equalizing' or other easily monopolized weapons useless, but that still didn't explain how this world was the way it was. Having a class of people with superpowers—that were as much based on training as they were on lineage—seemed like the kind of thing that would have caused a more feudalistic society to spring into existence, but somehow that wasn't the case.

Or rather, there was a feudal structure, namely the daimyo who very much ruled in such a manner, but they had apparently very little military power in contrast to the apparent complete absence of political power for ninja outside of their hidden villages.

Was this somehow related to the fact that ninja used to be roaming mercenary clans until only a few generations prior?

No, no... Roll back. Social and political structures are based on the demands of everyday reality. Ideologies are nice and all, but human beings are nothing more than social animals in the end. Long-term changes stem from factors related to everyday life and factors relating to fulfilling of primary needs. We ninja hold all the real military power but we don't bother with direct feudalistic power structures, preferring instead to be 'hired', comfortable in our monopoly on violence.

A curious case of parallel societies.

Hmm?

Two tall, dark, and spoopy spotted at six o'clock.

Well, taller than me. Itachi and I are about the same in complexion, while Kisame...

Okay, that's a big sword, I notice as I stare at the wrapped monstrosity tied up on the Hidden Mist's Monster's back. It kind of makes me curious about his skills as a swordsman, though I'm already well aware that at my current stage of development and preparation no real match for the shark man.

Also, my whole Lacquer & Spring plan for chakra blades would be completely useless against him, come to think of it. But I had more or less that until I got myself to a certain level, a lot of the stronger ninja would just hard counter me.

The next thing I notice—or rather, realize—is that they're completely unharmed. Not a single scratch on them. Barely even dust from the road on their cloaks.

Which means my two previous ambushes both must have completely failed.

Yeaaah, that's not a good sign.

I don't have anywhere near the odds of succeeding here if my other two clones failed, given that they had the terrain advantage and preparation to work with.

Okay, I conclude. I'll have to stall until Jiraiya shows up.

I swoop in through the window just as they knock on the door.

"Again?" Kisame wonders, turning to my brother. "He is very persistent, isn't he, Itachi-san?"

I instill every bit of the killing intent I've learned to harness, into my next word, combining all the lessons learned from the many ninja I've met until now. Kakashi's intensity, Zabuza's malice, Orochimaru's sheer inhumanity – and I throw it all at the duo in a near-tangible wave.

"Itachi."

Alright, good. They're looking my way.

Now, keep talking. Just keep their attention for as long as possible. Just spout whatever anime bullshit that comes to mind...

"I've waited for this day so long. You have no idea how much I've suffered to get here."

Come on, come on, talk to me you fucker.

Dispassionate black eyes behold me, narrowing only the slightest bit as he meets my Sharingan. I should have the advantage... but why am I feeling so pressured?

"This one is another clone, wasting our time." He dismisses me, though I spot the barest flicker or something in his eyes before he turns away.

The door begins to open, revealing only a hint of Naruto's orange sleeve.

Fuck it, this isn't working.

"Naruto! Three hundred units right fucking now!"

"H-huh? Sasuke, why are you—" He leans out through the door, past the two Akatsuki, blinking at me.

"Right now!"

Confused, he still moves to obey. But it's not like these two will just let him, both possessing the means to stop him. So I need to occupy them and let Naruto start sowing chaos. I'll use that to ply for some time and then when Jiraiya comes, we can turn the tables on them.

My hands fly through the handseals for the Great Fireball, when

Uchiha Itachi is standing right in front of me, his figure looming great. Great. Greater. Crows are screaming, the walls bleeding, my nose bleeding. Red on red on red, spinning spinning spinning.

"Begone."

I unravel.