1 The First And Last Good Morning

"Good morning!"

That was how they usually started each other's day. It always began with a greeting much like that. A text, a message, a call, or whatever reminded them that there was a person, somewhere on this earth that felt like home.

There was no need for anything else. It was such a normal thing that their 'good mornings' became a universal fact. Something diurnal, as if the world wasn't itself when one does not hear those two words.

It was a fact as clear as the existence of the sun.

It was their sun.

Their own shining star whose reason was kept between only the two of them

"Good night"

When the world was going to sleep, their words would be their cradle, a soft lull at the back of their minds that protects them. In rough times, it was a bubble, a reminder that tomorrow, things will be better.

Tomorrow we'll be better

It made the darkness a little less terrifying.

It made pain all less agonizing.

That's what they had.

It was October when it happened.

They greeted each other just the same, they had plans on meeting up later in the afternoon, but that morning they got into a fight. He must have said something wrong, something she didn't like. She dropped the call, leaving him with nothing but the sound of a single note stretched too long. A red line inside his mind, pulsating through the darkness.

He put the thought of it aside, knowing that they will be better later. They always fix their fights.

They always reconcile.

They always forgive.

Afternoon came, on his way home he had sent her a message informing her that he was on his way.

An hour passed –No Reply-

He had sent 10 messages to her by now.

Another hour passed –No reply-

About 54 confused messages later he soon found himself pissed. This was unlike her, normally, she wouldn't wait half a minute to reply. But now she wasn't, and all because of her distaste for what he said.

All because of a petty conversation

He wanted to punch something. That irritated feeling nagging at his chest. He wanted to lash out… and yet, he didn't.

He found himself, waiting patiently for any sign of her, waiting for the reply to pop into his phone, waiting for her to open the door and hug him, waiting for the clock to strike 10 and be greeted by her goodnight.

Nothing came

"Bro-"

His friend said at the other end of the line

"Bro, you don't know?"

All he felt was confusion at the time, still feeling a bit mad and disappointed at the girl.

"Know what?"

The three dots appeared on his screen, then disappeared, then appeared again, very much like a light bulb. His friend choosing carefully what words he used.

What he read next tore his world apart.

"She's in the hospital, bad accident on her way home. Her mother's been crying crazy"

He did not know how to react. He just sat there, still holding the phone in front of him. The words faded out into the vast expanse of his house, going right through his vision as if he wasn't even there.

That night he couldn't find it in him to sleep. He just kept staring at the screen, their chat head open, waiting for that tiny head icon to drop down to his 137'Th message, waiting for his goodnight to come. He drank cup after cup of coffee, hoping to drown in the caffeine before he convinces himself that this isn't just a nightmare.

He still waited and waited for her goodnight

But nothing came that night, and many nights after.

The next time he saw her was in the ICU.

It was horrible.

Tubes of different sizes were connected throughout her body. Circle pads connected to a monitor covered her torso. A big pipe bore into her moth going through her throat. He wanted to cry, to cave in on himself then and there. He longed to rip apart those machines attached her. 'She's fine!' he told himself. 'She's perfectly fine!'

"Talk to her, I'm sure she can hear you" her mom piped in, noticing how silent he was since he got here.

He took careful steps towards the bed and sat down at the stool beside it. He wanted to tell her a lot. He knew his heart was jammed with a million things he could say but this mouth didn't move. His tongue didn't budge, and no word escaped from his mouth. He wanted to touch her hand and actually know if she was really there. He wanted to make sure this was true.

Yet something gnawed underneath his skin.

Fear

Pure abysmal, and uncontrollable fear that if he dares mutter a word the world will come crumbling down on him. He felt that if he speaks, life would drain out of her body.

He was afraid that if he tried and touch her, she would crumble into nothingness and disappear in front of his eyes.

No

No he didn't say a word

Days, turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months. He was given the opportunity to visit at any time but he denied each request, not wanting to see that awful state she was in.

Her family still sent him messages and updates on her wellbeing.

It had been half a year since he last saw her on the hospital bed.

Six months since he last heard her say good morning.

Six months since he last fallen asleep with her goodnight guiding him through the temporary paralysis of the dark. It had been a miracle that he survived this long.

After a month more the updates came in slower,

After two months he had only heard about her once,

After three months the messages stopped coming.

It took him another two months to gather up the nerves to ask her mother for permission to visit.

He fidgeted with his wallet, squeezing, fumbling, and juggling it. He dreaded the possibility that her mother wouldn't let him near her. He was scared that he wasn't going to be allowed to see her after being evasive these past few months, but then, the thought of him not being able to see her because she was in a worse condition frightened him even more.

Her mother breathed steadily on the other line, stuttering, as if not completely sure.

"Listen, i-uhmm" she pauses "I don't think that would be a good Idea"

His mind was already going blank, he did not even notice the words escape from his lips.

"Is she not better?"

"No, she's fine. She's going through physical therapy these days but uhhh-"

He felt another long, unbearable silence fill the air as her mother contemplated with an answer.

"Fine, sure, drop by anytime you want. I'll send you our new address. J-just don't expect too much."

So, they moved? He felt a little puncture dance around his heart. A small hole, as if it was pricked by a needle. The thought of her not being where he had known her all her life felt wrong to him.

That didn't matter.

As long as he can see her face, lit by a smile

As long as he can hear her greet him again

It didn't matter.

A few days later, after rehearsing how he would talk to her again after so long, after he planned how to bring back that sense of familiarity between the two of them, he was finally standing in front of her door step. In his hands was a bouquet of flowers which he brought before coming over. It opened after he rung it just once and her mother stood on the other side, smiling warmly at him.

He had noticed how much older she looked. She was thinner, her hair tied into a tight bun, bags under her eyes, that screamed how tiring the past few months have been for her.

"Hello ma'am"

He did not want to greet her mother good morning, not until he had said it to her first.

The woman, simply nodded, opening the door wider so that he could come in.

Settling himself in the living room, the older woman left, excusing herself to come and fetch the girl he had longed to see. Alone again with the silence, with nothing but an old radio playing a song, he looked around. It was all so unfamiliar with him and something twisted in his stomach. He felt alienated in the new environment in which they were going to meet again. A part of him wanted to run out of the place, not wanting to be overcome with such emotions, but the desire to see her again roared louder than whatever kind of fear he was feeling right now.

Moments after the radio had started to play another song a figure moved across the room. His eyes trailed off to see who it was.

It was her

But her silhouette wasn't the same. Much like her mother, she was visibly thinner, and her hair shorter than it ever was.

It was her

But her posture was bad and she limped a bit as she walked

It was her

But she was in such a state that made him want to curse the world.

She looked so bleak, so fragile, and so vulnerable that he fought the temptation to cry. The girl he had known was strong, stronger than anyone else, and it killed him to see her look as weak.

He wanted to come running towards her, to hold her in his arms. He longed to embrace her so tight and keep her so close that they complete each other again. However, he remained rooted to where he was, afraid he will break her if he goes too near.

The lady looked straight into his eyes, and he smiled.

He had dreamt of this moment. He wished helplessly for the day he could hear that voice, those words again. Two words, two words were all he needed.

"Hi!" she greeted energetically

His insides churned

"My mother said you needed to see me?"

This is wrong

This is all wrong!

"How may I help you?"

The words came out casually from the girl but little did she know that it shattered the world of the man that stood there ash fallen.

He wanted to scream, to cry out in pain. He felt his heart get ripped from where it hid inside his chest. The universe spun around him as one by one the stars collapsed, and the ruin of the end collected at his feet.

He felt himself die.

It was her

But it wasn't the same

She was smiling

But her smile was directed at him as if it was her first time meeting him

She was looking at him

But her eyes looked at him as if he was a stranger, as if he had never been a part of her life

She greeted him

But it wasn't good morning.

It wasn't their secret phrase. It wasn't their magic code. It wasn't the two words that carried so much meaning for the two of them.

Instead it was a curious and strange greeting.

He looked at her, staring into her eyes hoping there'd be a proof of what they had, a sign of what they were like before.

He gazed into her eyes, and like before, he still saw the universe in them. Like a lost traveler, he looked for their memories in the sea of lights, looking for shapes of familiar constellations. He felt himself shudder as he found none, as if he was out in the cold, and the only fire that kept him alive flickered out.

He looked around the house and it all came crashing into him.

Reality

She was here, she was alive, and she was back into the world…

But the world she lived in didn't have him in it anymore….

The girl still smiled at him patiently and it broke his heart more

Don't

Please

Please don't look at me like that

Don't smile at me like that

His breath faltered.

Don't look at me as if you don't know me.

His hands moved forward and he held out the flowers. Once she took it gratefully he muttered

"I was asked to deliver that by a customer"

"Thank you, they are lovely" she said adoring the smell of the flowers.

Not wanting to be in the place any longer, the man gave a curt nod and headed for the door.

"Wait"

Don't, please. Don't hurt me any more than I already am. Don't make me stay any longer

"Who sent these?" she asked curiously.

He felt his eyes well up and it took every bit of him to keep them from falling.

"The hospital"

The girl merely nodded and he knew it was time for him to go.

He stood there for a few more seconds, taking in all her features. He wanted to embed every curve her face had into his skin. He wanted to carve the color of her eyes to his heart. He wanted to tie her voice to his soul so that he may never forget.

"I'm going to go now"

He turned to leave but felt the two words sitting inside his throat, begging to be let out.

"Oh and uhhh..."

"Good morning"