26 Chapter 26: Guilt

The soul is an interesting concept; according to Father's teachings, the soul is said to be the only thing that would remain after the corporeal bodies of humankind return to ashes, and thus only their soul remains—immortal, undying. Some would say that it is the spiritual or immaterial part of a human being, animal, and any supernatural species, while others would say it's the emotional or intellectual energy, especially as revealed in a work of art or an artistic performance.

Depending on the context it could mean different things. But what about the soul that acted as the anchor for us to remain alive? When we die, do we remain immortalized forever in our respective pantheons' afterlife?

Well, that's a yes and a no.

For example, Hades, the god of the underworld, guards the souls of the damned with an iron fist, never to let a single one escape his domain, forever doomed to live out their eternity in the darkness of the underworld. Some depicted him as cruel while others painted him as a neutral entity, for his role was to judge the dead impartially.

As for the system created by Father, the souls are spilled in the river of reincarnation waiting for their turn to be reborn. Heaven is not what it once was; it's former splendor faded away with the absence of the Father, and as such, some things were in dire need of change to accommodate this.

In the end, all of this was the journey the soul has to take after death.

I guess what I'm trying to make you consider is this; What makes a soul?

Some imagine it like a droplet of water, which can be divided into infinite portions, while at the same time can be puddled together indefinitely until it becomes an ocean. But unfortunately, that is not the case for most living beings.

It is akin to an infinite puzzle, with each piece showing off a part of the picture with undefined parameters. Every single one of them plays a crucial role and, as such, can't be replaced—for there could never be two of the same piece.

At least, that's what I have gathered with my research.

Now what would happen if a soul is reunited with a small part of it, then it would become whole once again. But what if, there were hundreds of the same pieces of soul, how would the original fuse with them all, without killing itself?

Only one being knew the answer, and unfortunately, he had gone silent for the last two years.

-Azazel's research notes on 'Introduction of the Soul'.

{Break}

-Hachiman POV-

I have always hated killing others, and I despise it even more now.

Not because I thought no one deserved death, rather I hated taking away their lives with my own hands. I had already taken enough as it is.

I could not remember what happened after I let Vritra take control, I could not even ask him for he had gone silent in a deep slumber once again. Never to respond, never to joke around with me.

I tried everything to wake him up; my sacred gear still worked and I retained my large power boost, but I just feel so hollow without him. He was not just a friend, but a part of me who I nearly lost due to my own hubris. This worsened when I learned what happened in Paris.

Over a hundred and five thousand, that is the number of people who died that night for my mistake. All vanished, turned into nothing, no evidence of their existence, nothing to return to their loved ones, nothing to let them know what happened to them at the very end. The Devils, Fallens, and Vampires did their best to erase the existence of most humans—reducing the official number of deaths to a few thousand. And to further hide the truth from the general populace, the incident will be blamed on an unfortunate sinkhole that had formed under the city.

Many didn't believe the story—blaming the cause of part of the city's destruction to some terrorist attack while others argued it was an attack from enemy nations. But they all got shut down rather quickly and within a few days, there were no more protests in the streets anymore.

This just made me feel worse.

At this point, you wouldn't be wrong to say that I would go down in history as one of the most prolific killers to have walked this planet, literally drowning in a sea of blood. The worst dictators in history never directly killed so many people by themselves—they only ordered their own army to do their bidding, unlike me. If humanity learned of my actions, they would certainly demand my head on a stake or lock me away somewhere for the rest of my life, and I wouldn't blame them.

Due to my actions, I was held in a prison-like dungeon by the Vampires, as they feared that I might lose control once again. At that time they had confiscated all of my possessions, so calling Rias or even Sona for help was currently not an option. I honestly can't imagine what kind of emotions are raging within them with my sudden silence, along with the news of the tragedy here in Paris.

I was thankful that Azazel made sure to inform them that I was still alive. Something that I am still grateful for to him to this day, knowing Rias, she would have recklessly called her older brother for help and it would have caused another needless major political issue.

So I had remained in my cell, all alone, with no one to talk to for days or weeks at a time. The guards hated me, and as such, even the slightest movement would make them twitch—ready to strike me at the slightest sign of losing control

I remembered having thoughts of just killing myself for weeks, wanting to atone for my sins, and I did try. Some of the Vampire guards were nicer than I thought, once they even tried to help out by giving me a dagger.

Yet when I held the blade's pointed tip near my neck, I felt this uncanny amount of dread take hold of me. I suddenly couldn't gather the strength to push it any further.

I was scared of dying and still am to this day.

A genuine instinct for a living being.

In those small fractions of moments, the value of my life exceeded those of a hundred thousand people; my instincts were at war against my consciousness. I stayed in that position for days, the dagger not leaving my grip, the closer I came to gather enough strength, the harder the wall became.

I couldn't do it.

I hated myself, that was one of my weakest moments to date, I cried and cried for days on end. Not even my reincarnation in this world made me feel so depressed.

All alone without Vritra by my side to help me process all of this became too much and the weight of my guilt crushed me. My brain was in constant turmoil throughout the days which turned into weeks and months. Only one thing made me hold onto sanity: my dreams.

Every night, I would dream about Vritra, living his life, waging war against gods and dragons, crushing all those who opposed him. Just like he once told me, the madness ran deep in his past self, there was no goal behind any of his actions besides the desire to destroy everything around him.

They became my only source of comfort, hearing Vritra's voice in my dreams almost made it feel like we were talking once more. I knew I was desperate but it really did help.

Slowly with time, I stopped thinking of them as Vritra's dreams and began viewing them as more of my own. Not by choice but rather the dreams themselves changed from me seeing Vritra from the outside to literally becoming him.

And during those times, I felt something change within me. Slowly, gradually changing, yet I can feel it vividly.

Over time, my heart strangely became at peace with what I've done. My crime remained heinous—I knew this and everyone else knew this—and yet a part of me remained calm like it was something that should be considered normal.

With each passing dream, this effect grew stronger and stronger to the point my eyes no longer looked lost and empty. They had regained a slight shine to them whenever I would look at my reflection in the water bowl.

The depression and despair that stewed in my mind became subdued, my desire to die—though they still existed—wasn't as bad as before.

These changes got more noticeable to me.

I didn't feel like myself, at all.

Something had changed within me, something I am not sure how to feel about.

Like an invisible hand forcibly suppressing my dark thoughts, almost like a warm blanket wrapped around me in the middle of a cold storm. It reinvigorated me beyond anything in the past, and to my growing horror, I realized that the death of so many people began feeling trivial to me—more of an inconvenience, than a sin.

'This isn't normal! I don't want this to happen! I shouldn't forgive myself!'

I hung onto those words like a lifeline—repeating it to myself constantly and endlessly to keep me grounded to reality, to remind me of my sins. My previously bad state of health due to the lack of nutrients that had once made my body only skin and bones, was returning back to normal. I regained my muscles, my injuries all healed up in a matter of hours not even leaving behind any traces. The only exception being my chest which still looked horrifying and the slight scar in my abdomen.

Slowly but surely, I felt more powerful as time went on, my strength growing, my magical reserves expanding and for a brief moment—unbeknownst to me at that time—my eyes turned slitted with a violet glow before returning to normal.

I was sure that I'm still human, I never doubted that. Even now Azazel kept reassuring me that I wasn't something else—that I wasn't something else.

I'd like to imagine that it was Vritra's doing. Heh, that damn snake, even when he wasn't there, he found a way to help me out, to protect me from others...and even myself.

As a philosopher once said: "He has no worse enemy than himself."

Baraqiel had come to bail me out eventually, he had paid a heavy price for my release. I didn't want to leave at first, a monster like me didn't deserve freedom, yet he did not listen and forcefully dragged me out. He never stopped apologizing along the way, his hands shaking in self-hatred, feeling responsible for my actions.

It was when he brought me back to Kuoh where things took a turn for the worse.

-(Flashback)-

My head felt all hazy.

After my release from the Vampire's dungeon, Baraqiel didn't waste any time and brought me to Kuoh. Everything felt like a blur, the events passing by too fast for me to notice. 'I really missed Kuoh…'

All I could see was the colour white, everywhere. It was snowing. The town was covered in a blanket of white snow and ice. The sky, dark from the heavy clouds, was raining crystallized water as it fell gently to the ground, making the scene beautiful and captivating to many onlookers.

Too bad that all I could feel right now is emptiness.

Baraqiel landed on the rooftop of the school, his boots crunching the snow on the floor, before gently flaring his power, as a way to notify the rest of his arrival.

It melted everything around him, though there was no heat, the power of a Ten-Winged Angel—although fallen, was definitely not a joke even at its smallest display of power. The aura that he exuded felt just like Akeno's, quite expected since she inherited his powers.

Not long after that, two different magic circles formed on the ground, one crimson red and the other a deep blue. Both sigils represent the house of Gremory and Sitri respectively. It seemed like everyone decided to come, all of them clad in their combat gear. Akeno in her miko outfit, Kiba with his swords, Koneko wearing her enchanted gloves and finally Rias who had a tattooed Gremory sigil shining on the back of her hand, the power of destruction coating her entire arm.

She felt far more powerful than the last time we met—so did everyone, for that matter.

What I did notice was their haggard state, none of them looked like they'd slept for days or weeks. Especially Akeno, her eyes were red and she looked exhausted. It seems that they were worried sick for waiting for me.

'I missed them all as well…'

Sona's case was similar as well, she had two magical water spells prepared while her queen, Tsubaki wielded her naginata.

"Hachiman!?"

"Hikigaya!"

"Senpai!"

They all shouted out in surprise when they saw me in my decrepit state after months of being gone. Akeno was the first one to rush by my side, I let her hug me as I didn't have the strength nor will to resist. In fact, a part of me wanted to feel her touch again. "Are you okay!? What happened!?"

I didn't answer her, as I was just content to have her in my arms once again. Relief flooded my being when I finally realized that I was back home.

"Who did this!?" Akeno screamed in fright and anger, holding me tighter in her arms, nearly suffocating me in her embrace.

She must have seen my chest wound. Though miraculously it somehow healed—thanks to Vritra—the scar tissue had yet to be fully healed. It still looked very raw, the skin still pink as the skin was still regenerating and was basically just muscle that was showing.

"Oh my god, what happened to you!? Why are you missing parts of your chest!? Over your heart!?!?" Now it was Rias and the rest who stormed on me, worried expressions overcoming them. Rias looked the most frightened after Akeno's exclamation, before rushing next to my side.

They laid me down, Koneko was the next to reach me, her hands shakily but gently laying over my chest. To my utter surprise, I began feeling a sensation that I'd never felt before. It not only soothed my wounds on the outside but also lessened the pain I felt on the inside. I looked at Koneko and was surprised once again.

The little girl that never shows emotion, even when I give her snacks or head pats, had tears welling up in her eyes, her lips trembling into a frown. To see Koneko, someone who I treat like a little sister, brought down to this because of me, made the pain come back once again.

'Is this Senjutsu?' I always figured she hated using this side of hers, yet here she was unhesitatingly calling out her nekoshou powers to help me, it must not be easy for her. I grabbed her hand and gently tried to move it off of me but she kept it in place, "It's okay Koneko, you don't have to do this, not for me."

I also attributed her shaking to her sensing my emotions to some extent. She knew what I was going through, she could feel my suicidal thoughts, my self-loathing, my grief and though they might have not been as bad as before, they were still there. It was overwhelming for the poor girl.

"Do-don't leave me, senpai." She was now shedding tears, droplets falling on my chest. "Don't disappear like onee-chan, please." Her trauma was resurfacing, she must think that I'm going to kill myself and leave her all alone, just like Kuroka did.

I need to stop being so pathetic.

"You!" Kiba sprung up and faced Baraqiel, his sword [Holy Eraser] held firmly in his hands, ready to strike him down. Even when faced against such hostility, Baraqiel did not move.

Akeno turned to face her father, the same look of anger which I first bore witness to during the attack on that night was back in her eyes. "You...first you left mother to nearly die, now...because of you...why? Why do you wish to kill those I care about? What have I done to you!?" Akeno's anger reached her peak as she started blasting lightning attacks at Baraqiel.

"Leave!"

The man didn't budge, he took every strike head-on, not even bothering to block. Maybe he did this as a way to punish himself for what had happened. His way of asking for forgiveness, to atone for his sins. Or maybe it was the words of his daughter that dealt him more pain than the attacks did, as she stared at him with such pure and utter hatred.

"Never come back!"

None of her attacks damaged him, to begin with. He was a Cadre, even without armour he could tank all our attacks without effort. His head remained tilted downwards, probably out of shame or heartbreak.

"I hate you!"

But I never blamed him for anything that happened on the mission, the fault lied solely on my shoulders for me to bear, and I'll atone for it in time, without dragging anyone else with me.

So stop being pathetic, Hachiman, and get up!

"Akeno, stop!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, my chest burning in pain even with Koneko healing me, weeks of not using my voice put a strain on it from my outburst. I stood up, much to the worry of the others. "It's not Baraqiel's fault, it's mine."

"You're being too nice, Hachiman. He doesn't deserve it!" No, I was being completely honest.

"Baraqiel saved my life...I wouldn't be here without him." I don't know what the Vampires had planned for me, but it must have been something worse than death. I'm sure that Baraquiel really did save me back there and I at the very least owe him this favour.

"H-he what?"

"Vritra sensed one of his sacred gears back in Paris, I asked Azazel for help in finding it and Baraqiel's presence was just a coincidence. We found out that the Vritra gear we sensed was being experimented on children by a rogue devil."

"He turned them into monsters, I had what I thought was a trustworthy individual or at least someone who wouldn't run away by my side. Our goal was to free those children and capture the mastermind."

"In the end, that person backstabbed me to save their own skin and Vritra had to pay the price to keep me alive. That's when things went terribly wrong"

I had left out the details of the dome of void, suspecting they already knew something or were informed by either the Fallen or Sirzechs, everyone knew of this incident and its cause.

I sprinkled some lies in the story to paint Baraqiel in a positive light. "The Vampires had captured me and locked me up after that, if it weren't for Baraqiel...who knows what would have happened."

There… I gave you your chance, now everything is up to you.

The man stepped forward, he knelt to the ground and brought his forehead to the floor in a dogeza. The sight of one of the most powerful angels in the Christian religion, one whose name meant 'Lightning of God' on his knees, begging for forgiveness did surprise me to some degree.

"I couldn't be there for you and Shuri, and I have always hated myself fo-for that." Baraqiel's voice began breaking up at the end before taking a shuddering breath. "I felt unworthy to return by your side, for I have failed you as a father. I couldn't fail again when it came to Hikigaya."

"..."

I placed a hand on Akeno's shoulder, comforting her, "I am still alive and so is Shuri-san, we are in this together, so don't get stuck in the past." I wonder for whom that advice truly was for…

Baraqiel, Akeno, or me.

She stayed quiet for a few moments before taking my hands gently, using some of her energy to heal me up as well. "Let's just go back home."

Well, it wasn't a no, so that's progress.

I turned to Baraqiel, and gave him a nod, which he returned even with tears in his eyes, happy to not yet be completely rejected by his daughter.

Hopefully, things will get better after this…

Hopefully.

-(Flashback end)-

Things had gone smoothly for the most part after that; for the last two years, Akeno's relationship with her father recovered enough for them to talk from time to time, Rias further helped by allowing the Fallens to take up residence Kuoh.

Unfortunately, I still couldn't hear Vritra's voice—not that he was dead or anything—the dragon still resided in my sacred gear, I could still feel him. It's just like he has entered a deep state of slumber, like it probably was at first before I awakened it…I think.

For some reason, a part of me doubts that.

Nevertheless, he was still here and alive, just sleeping.

"I'll wait for you, partner."

To never let such a thing happen again, I had resumed my training and cranked it to a ridiculous degree. I even had a few revelations from the dream cycles I had from Vritra's memories.

'Like those Vajra techniques…'

Aside from that, my condition had also gone better, I refused to turn into an angsty emo teenager/adult! I'm pretty sure that I'm too old for that anyways, and I was mature enough to sort out my own emotions. It was hard, yes and most of it was still a mess but I took my time and slowly started showing results.

It wasn't all perfect, mind you. I had frequent nightmares, and on some rare occasions even panic attacks. When visiting the memorial stone a year later, I noticed that the monument only had a few thousand names written on it, when I knew I had killed over a hundred times more. Though that morbid thought didn't make me feel as much pain in my heart like I thought it would. 'Have I become desensitized to killing?'

Vritra once told me about the madness that plagued him as an Evil Dragon...I wondered...am I falling down the same path?

That really made me worry about my future.

What I did find myself thankful for, was the support from everyone, they wouldn't let me fall into my dark thoughts for long. Somehow Koneko got that sixth sense of hers focused on me 24/7...

...probably to make sure that I don't do something irreversible and stupid.

Even Rias and Akeno for that matter, they would watch me over like hawks, even when bathing they would force their way in. All of these actions slowly made me feel better, they helped me recover.

Though there was little to no pain, the guilt remained.

...It's not an easy thing to get over. I needed to find a way to make peace with myself, because I fear that if I don't take care of this issue soon, I might be gone for good.

According to Azazel, you can never get rid of this feeling; one just needs to bear with it for the rest of their life. Like a permanent lesson that will always remain engraved in our minds.

'That is why, my first step is to-'

{Break}

-Park present-

'-avoid killing unless absolutely necessary.'

"Arrrgh!" Even with the tentacle-like whips piercing her limbs, Raynare still held onto her arrogance. "D-do you know who you are messing with!?" Her fallen angel constitution began showing, as if it was a normal human who had sustained such injuries, they would have long died from blood loss.

"Yeah, apparently you don't." I channeled some of my energy through my whips to overpower her own light-based magical energy. I had to make sure she didn't have any hidden trump cards or secret getaway techniques.

Raynare gasped at the sheer weight of the foreign magical power coursing through her body.

Every fibre of her being felt strained to their limits by just coming to touch with this power. It was too domineering for her to handle. Like an ant slowly being brushed by a human-sized boulder. "Ju-just wha-what are you…"

Her fear was showing, Raynare never in her life thought she would be so easily suppressed by a mere human.

"Hey Issei, you there?" I turned towards the still lying down Issei, his face still in disbelief at what was happening.

"Whu?"

"You know how to swim?" He gave me a ludicrous look, trying to figure out what nonsense I was spouting. "Meh, you'll learn if you haven't yet." With a snap of my finger, another black magic circle appeared beneath Issei.

"W-wait!"

He began sinking further into the ground, "Wait, you fish-eyed bastard! What's this all about!?" He tried crawling out but to no avail, it was kinda funny how he was panicking. Like a deadly quicksand, there was no escape unless you were stronger than me.

…I think Akeno is starting to affect me.

"What happened to Yuuma-chan!?" I ignored him, all will be explained later on, I need time to think about this horrifying revelation.

"Fucking, bastaaa-"

And just like that Hyoudou Issei got saved without any injuries, teleported to god knows where.

...

- Kuoh School pool, Third POV-

A magic circle formed on top of Kuoh's swimming club's now cleaned up and filled pool.

"-aaaard!...huh? Waaaaaaaah!!!!!"

A panicking Issei fell from the sky, his hands waving in the air like he thought that would help him somehow stop falling.

He splashed flat on the surface of the water, sending water everywhere and certainly hurting him in the process.

"Gggrrlll, Pwa! Wha-where-....what the fuck just happened!?"

The bewildered Issei looked around and immediately recognised the place as he frequently peeped on the girl's swim team during their morning exercise. Too bad their schedule didn't align like the Kendo club's or else he and his friends would have spent their entire break peeping here.

He suddenly felt a towel hitting his head with such force that it nearly cracked it. "Ouch! Who the fuck is it now!?" He turned around only to come face to face with the school mascot, Koneko. She was giving him a disgusted look, like she had seen one of the most repulsive things in the world.

'That kinda hurts.'

"Hachiman-senpai sent me to give you a towel, pervert-senpai." With that said, she immediately left the area, making it clear that she didn't like being near him, and leaving the still confused Issei all alone to dry himself off. It was quite apparent that her dislike for Issei ran quite deep, but he hadn't even met her until now.

As he took the thrown towel, Issei couldn't help but sweatdrop as the thought of drying himself now was pointless as the towel got soaked in the water as well, not that Koneko cared.

"…"

-Hachiman POV-

Now that we were alone, I knew that with Issei safe, he had nothing to worry about. I even sent Koneko to check upon him, and bless her soul that sweet little girl will certainly take care of Issei.

"I'm not gonna waste more time with you. Tell me, why did you try to kill Hyoudou Issei?" I immediately began my round of questioning. The girl was at my mercy, as such, she could only comply.

Raynare just gave me a hateful glare and spat at my face with a loogie. 'Ew gross!' I further tightened my hold, applying more pressure on her wounds as payback.

"AAAAAAAHHH!!!" I flinched a bit at her pain-filled scream; I wouldn't kill her so I resorted to this method to get my answers. I wasn't a fan of them, but they were very effective.

And she was asking for it.

"Just tell me, I'll let you go if you do, I promise," I said sincerely. But it didn't seem like she believed my words. Which I wouldn't as well if I was in her position, so yeah, can't really blame her for that. 'I should have gone for another approach.'

"When I get free from this human, I'll kill you like the pathetic worm you are!" She tried threatening me instead, her response was met with my one raised eyebrow. Like was this girl serious? Didn't she realize her situation? How bad is her superiority complex? 'Maybe Azazel can fill me in on the details. Who am I kidding? He'll just redirect me to Kalawarna and she'll be the one to do the actual work.'

"This is going to be a long day isn't it?" I said to no one but myself, as the Fallen continued to struggle, still bound by my tentacle-like appendages. Her wounds already stopped bleeding, she even regained some of her strength. For a weak Fallen, she does have potential.

If only that character of hers was just a bit more… charming?

Now that I say that, this kinda looks like a very stereotypical tentacle hentai from an outside perspective, doesn't it? If you put aside all the blood and gore in the near vicinity . "Okay, this is just not working." With a mental command, her restraints vanished, leaving behind four gaping wounds.

"Argh!" Raynare groaned as she fell over, unable to stand up, struggling to move any of her limbs. It was too pitiful to watch. As much of a ruthless person I tried to be, in the end, I sucked at it.

"Stay still."

I popped the cork off a bottle, the golden liquid inside dripping on her wounds and creating a slight sizzling sound as her wounds began visibly regenerating.

My wealth in terms of cash and money may not be that great compared to the others, but it was sufficient enough to buy a few of those phoenix tears from the Phenex through Azazel. Don't tell me how he got access to it, apparently, these tears were a major commodity in the underworld black market.

"Wha-what is the meaning of this?" As expected, my actions confused Raynare. One moment I was a ruthless jerk who impaled her in multiple places, then the next moment I was healing her using a super expensive healing potion.

"I'm not letting you go, you'll have to answer my questions one way or another. You obviously won't divulge any secrets to me but..."

"-!" Like a lightbulb going off in my head, I finally had an idea how to make her talk and how to make it up with Akeno.

I dialled her number, "Hey Akeno, are you interested in torturing someone for me to get some answers from her?"

"..."

"Good!"

At least now I won't get in trouble, and Raynare will be her problem, for now. It wasn't that late, so I had enough time to scout other angels for suspicious activities as well.

I picked her up like a sack of potatoes, "H-hey put me down!" Her spears wouldn't hurt me, these enchanted uniforms were quite expensive to commission. And my natural defenses were strong enough as it is.

With a resounding flap, I called out my wings—even now without the voice of Vritra shouting [Prison Wings] from the gear. They have changed a lot in terms of appearance, the part that connected to my back was covered in scales and muscles, like real dragon wings. The fleshy part acted like a root slowly taking over the rest.

With a mighty leap, I flew beyond sonic speed above the clouds disappearing completely from view.

I felt like I was forgetting someone...

--------------

By the way chapter 1-9 have been reworked and changed with better grammar and more content.