29 Control

Her heart pounded heavily as she leaned against the wall outside the building, trying to catch her breath. What was the matter with her? Was she a cruel woman, stringing the poor man along?

She remembered telling Mayra that Riley made her feel uncomfortable sometimes, but this was something altogether different. To have her brain turn to mush in her head and her heart try to escape her ribs was not something she wanted. Was it? On the one hand, the prospect that she couldn't control her own body and feelings was terrible. On the other, there was an exhilaration in it that she never experienced when she held tightly onto the reins of her life.

Why, besides the General's order, had she felt it was so important to ride all the way to a military camp just to see Roland again? She liked him, enormously. That was fine, even understandable as he'd saved her life by treating her wounds and getting her smuggled into the city for help.

She tried to logically analyze the situation, but every time she did it got muddied. For everything she didn't know about the man, her heart irrationally argued back at her that it knew him anyway. She sat down on a low bench and put her head into her hands. Maybe there was a middle ground in her heart. He hadn't proposed, he had asked to write her letters.

Another deep breath. It wasn't a life commitment. It wasn't even expressed intentions, not really. Implied, certainly. But nothing overt. Deep breath. Her heart rate slowed.

"Serafina?" Her heart rate picked up again and she jumped to her feet.

Roland stood several feet away, his hands out as if to calm a spooked horse. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I don't want to--"

"I'll wait." She interrupted him.

"What?" He froze, unwilling to believe his ears.

"You asked me to wait. You said you wanted to write me letters. I'll wait."

"You will?" He slowly allowed a smile to split his face.

"Yes." She smiled in return, deciding to let the small wave of panic ebb so that she could enjoy the light in Roland's eyes as he looked at her.

___________________________

Riley and Mayra walked together outside the city. Both were quiet, Mayra in wonder as she took in the sights, Riley in a stormy silence that bespoke his inner turmoil. They loped steadily towards the rock where they had first met Jimmy.

"How do we know he'll be there?" Mayra finally piped up. "Last time he didn't come until sundown, and by then the city gates will be closed and we won't be able to get back in."

"Wouldn't be the first night we spent in the cart." Riley said.

"That's true." Mayra conceded. They continued walking in silence. "You're brooding, you know."

"So?" Riley was in no mood to talk about it.

"If you want to discuss anything, I'm here." Mayra responded simply.

"What is there to discuss? You're against me at every turn, for no reason at all."

Mayra stopped in her tracks. "I'm never against you. I love you. You know that."

"Do I? I think it's perfectly clear that you'd rather have a stranger cart our neighbor off to who knows where forever than to see her happy with me." Riley scowled.

"Would you be happy with her, really?" Mayra poked his side with her finger, "Or is she just the only unmarried woman around your age in the village?"

"Wow, you must think a lot of me." Riley swatted her hand away. "Of course the only reason I might be interested in a woman is for my own convenience."

"That's not what I mean." Said Mayra. "If we'd all stayed in the village forever, maybe you would have made a happy life together. But now we're on an adventure! Shouldn't we try to have some new experiences, meet some new people? If your feelings for Finn are real, they'll survive all that."

Riley gave her a glance out of the side of his eyes, "And her feelings?"

"Are just as important as yours."

"You know what I mean. What are her feelings?" Riley was sincere for the first time in their interaction.

"I don't pretend to know, because I don't think she knows fully, just yet. I have my guesses, but she and I have slightly different views on what love is." Mayra was honest with her brother, if a bit vague.

"I don't think you could have been any less helpful and still truthful," Riley complained, "but if she doesn't know yet, that means I still have a chance."

"That's true, I suppose," said Mayra, "But I think you should keep your eyes open. I'd rather see you both deliriously happy than merely content."

The people in her books were always deliriously happy in love. Not mere partnership for the good of the farm or the family, but absolute throw-yourself-off-a-cliff-rather-than-lose-them type of love. She thought she'd detected a spark of that between Roland and Finn, and wanted it to bloom into a flame.

"If you knew what was good for you, you'd stop interfering with others and mind your own business. Perhaps there's some young man around that will catch your eye so you'll leave off getting in my way." Riley elbowed his sister.

Maybe Riley was right. Interfering in love usually ended badly. She cringed. She hadn't seen herself that way. One book she'd read involved a mischievous fairy who cast love spells on all the wrong people and caused chaos and heartache. Though she didn't have any powers, perhaps the principle still applied.

"I'm sorry. I really just want everyone to be happy." Mayra apologized.

"Where would I be without my annoying little sister to prod me along?" Riley reached over to tousle her hair.

"Hey!" She protested. "How am I ever going to meet any young men to catch my eye with you making me look like a ragamuffin child with messy hair?"

They were coming close now to the rock where they'd first met Jimmy. As they rounded the side, they saw nothing at all.

"I suppose we'll have to wait for nightfall again," Said Mayra.

"Ugh," responded Riley. "I'd rather get back and have a hot meal with Mrs. Sherman. How are we supposed to get our things back if the man is only here for a few moments each day?"

"Who said how long I was here?" Jimmy seemed to appear from nothing as he came from behind the rock.

"How did you... we just walked around the whole boulder and you weren't there!" Mayra exclaimed.

"Gettin' a little tired of the tricks," mumbled Riley under his breath.

"What tricks?" Jimmy shot an accusatory glance at the younger man. "No tricks at all."

"How do you do that?" Mayra asked.

"Do what? Oh, you're here for your horse and cart, aren't ya?" Jimmy gestured behind them.

They turned and Peach neighed at them as she grazed in front of their cart. Roland's horse, Buck, was next to her.

"That definitely wasn't there a moment ago. How do you DO that??" Mayra asked again.

"Normally it's a secret, but you're pretty," The old man winked at her, causing her to laugh. "and a friend to the Doc. So I'll tell ya." He leaned forward and said in a conspiratorial whisper, "Those herbs, for the Doc? They got more uses than the eye can see."

Mayra and Riley exchanged a look.

"The herbs are doing that?" Riley asked skeptically.

"Not just any herbs. Need the right ones in the right amounts put together in the right way. That's a trade secret." Jimmy turned to go. "Have a great day."

"Wait--" Mayra began, but the man was gone.

"Well that was something." Riley said. "Think it was true?"

"I think so," responded Mayra slowly. "Those herbs he gave us DID heal Finn almost miraculously quickly. I think there's something to this. We should talk with Mrs. Sherman about it, and the doctor when he gets back."

"Agreed."

________________________

First thing the next morning, Finn and Dr. Sherman prepared to head back to Klain. They were saddling and loading their horses, but Finn was driven to distraction thinking about her conversation with Roland the day before. Was she being stupid? Was this the beginning of something amazing? Was she overthinking all of it?

Definitely, she told herself. Absolutely certain that she was overthinking everything. She needed to pull her brain back together and concentrate on the grand mysteries of the army and the wolves, and the Provider, the herbs... was she missing anything?

She sighed.

"Everything all right there?" asked Dr. Sherman.

"Yes," Finn responded, "I mean, maybe? I'm not sure. I've got a lot on my mind."

"If you're doubting the excellence of the young man I raised, think again," Replied the old doctor seriously. "He is exceptional in almost every way. Takes after me, you know." His eyes twinkled, and Finn smiled.

"I'm not doubting that." She assured. "Only, I wish it weren't so confusing."

"Nothing confusing about it if you look at it the right way." Finn tilted her head as the man spoke, taking in what wisdom he offered her. "I knew my bride the moment I laid eyes on her. She needed a bit of convincing, but in the long run, I proved I was right."

"How did you convince her?" asked Roland as he walked up. Finn blushed, wondering not for the first time how much he had overhead.

"Patience, boy. Women have to take their time and work it out in their own heart before giving in. If love were easy to get, there wouldn't be much of a chase. Where would be the fun in that?" Dr. Sherman smiled meaningfully at his apprentice.

"Where indeed." Roland mused. "The field medic asked, well, ordered, me to bring you these files to take to The General. He said you had requested them." Now a military man, Roland saluted his superior.

The Doctor saluted back. "Thank you, soldier. You're dismissed… after I put this in my bag." Dr. Sherman made a big show of turning his back and painstakingly getting his bag down to put the files in.

Roland looked at Finn, who smiled shyly at him. "I'll write to you, like I promised... if I can figure out how to get a letter to you."

"I'll make it so that it's no trouble at all. Farewell, Serafina." He took her hand and went to bow over it as he had before, but instead kissed it softly on the back, just below the wrist. A pleasant sort of chill ran up her arm, followed quickly by heat which made its way up to her face.

"Farewell, Roland."

He turned to go, and quickly, before she could change her mind, she took two steps and wrapped her arms around his waist from behind in a brief hug, then turned away before he could react and scrambled up on top of her horse.

"I'll wait for your letter." She said with a smile.