Become the One You Hate

The more you neglect your life, the more the pain would be more severe. In other words, if you don't give a shit to your life, the life wouldn't give a shit to you either. That's how life is. A good example is me. I spent my whole life playing games and neglected my life completely.

I was dumbfounded as my hands were covered with blood. "Did-d I-i killed Jessica? That was the only answer I came up with.

I was so scared that my hands were shaking. No, my entire body was shivering.

Then I followed the blood drops. One after one I followed like a donkey who trails the carrot.

I saw a dead body of a cat.

*It was a terrible thing to see. I guessed for the girl. Oh, what a disappointment! When will you start killing real stuff*

I ignored his taking completely.

It was the stray cat that lived outside the building. I tried to recall my memories but I remembered nothing. Unfortunately, I don't remember anything after coming back.

*You're surprised about that cat you murdered?*

"Did I really kill it?" I asked him with a bit of frustration as I didn't want to get the answer from him.

* undoubtedly, time to give you a short summary.

last night you weren't able to tolerate the pain, and then you ran outside the building finding a prey, seeing a cat you clutched it and came back in your room and ended its life miserable slaughtered it with your sharp nails. Thereupon, you fall on the ground like you were in the morning. *

"Well, it's a relieve that it wasn't a human." Although it might be a second chance God has given me.

I have to find a way to solve this…As I thought,

I stood up from the floor and went into the bathroom, looking at my reflection in the mirror, I was washed my bloody hands. I noticed that my face looked like a drug-addicted guy. I can clearly see the dark circles around my eyes. The swollen eyes of mine could demotivate anyone. I was also demotivated by my face. That being said on the other day Jessica said many times that I looked pale. Now I see.

"Remember the time when Danial went to the bathroom," I said the memory that made me always laugh. Whenever I got down, I thought of that memory, then blast out of laugh. But today I didn't laugh for a second.

I tried but my face didn't make any expression, The manifestation of enjoyment. As I was kind of confuse I went to my bedroom, took out all the movie DVDs hurriedly and started watching them one by one. Several hours past but my expression was still blank. I couldn't laugh or cry. Even get angry. Whatever the movie was my expression was neutral. Horror movies tend to scare people though in my case I was bored after fifteen minutes of screen time.

Inner me was scared, angry, happy but my face didn't show any of it. Every one of them looked the same to me. Was it because of the diary? The first sign of becoming a psychopath is to feel no empathy. I read it in a book.

I was angry, I didn't want to be like one of them. I hate them so hard that I would rather die than become one of them.

I became incredibly furious at that point. So, I attempted to tear the diary by pulling both sides of it, then burning it but nothing seems to make a scratch on it. The diary was indestructible. Nothing could engulf the diary. I was extremely frustrated by this fact. I didn't want this to happen. Without finding any way to retrieve my emotions, I searched on the web. "If I don't get my impressions back, I can at least try to act."

< How to smile?>

< how to get angry?>

I watched several videos, read blogs to behave the expression.

[ Person in a video talking:] first make a pound on your cheeks. Then try to use your lips as a half-moon. Then made a slight movement in your upper chicks. Looks good. To make a sad expression act like this. Put your lips downward and began to tear. Try to cry just like a small baby. Yes, keep trying. Imitate me carefully.

I tried to imitate the woman in the video. But couldn't get it right. It looks unnatural. But I didn't give up hope. There is still hope left for me like the pandora's box.

It contains war, vice, disease but despite that there was still hope left and I have to take that hope. Though it was a Greek myth. In this life of my, there would be still hope. As I thought about that I continued my expression practice.

The morning went that way. Solution for one problem was done. Now the second problem is if I unconscious murdered someone, that would be a dangerous act. I cleaned the floor as it was stained with blood, pack the dead body of the cat with a plastic bag so that no one finds it suspicious. Left my room with it. Also took the diary. I have to find a place to bury the dead cat's body. If Jessica comes to my room again that would be a problem if I don't move the cat's body now.

I thought as I climbed down the stairs. I took the stairs so that no one notices me. There might be people on the elevator or that's what I thought. I have to hide the body in a safe place where no one hardly goes. At least I figured out that the back of the building has a place where no one goes. That would be the perfect place. I have to be very careful so that Mr. Hans didn't saw me going there. He is the security guard and the caretaker of the building. I quietly peeked into his room down the building to see if he's awake. Most of the time he was found asleep in his room half-naked. Though sometimes he was seen doing chaos. I was lucky this time. He was fast asleep in his bed.

"Good," As I said I left the building and so was walking around the building to get to the backward. Out of nowhere, I saw Jessica coming this way.

She was wearing a top and shorts that flattered my poor heart.

Sh*t, She saw me. She was coming near me with a grin.