Unable to Say

That vending machine was right next my house. It was really just a minute or two's walk away, and if I walked a bit further there was a convenience store, too, but no matter what time of the day it was, if I went that far I'd run into people I knew, and I kind of didn't want to, so that vending machine was like my refuge... I mean, I say refuge, but it's not like I really wanted to run away, or wanted to escape. It's just, well, when I kinda wanted to run away, like I couldn't take it anymore, I would get out of the house and kill time near that soda vending machine. You can call it, my one and only past time and my only option to let time pass by. That's how I lived my life.

When did I start doing it?

Was it in elementary school?

Well, around second grade or so? Maybe.

I didn't have a room to myself, and my older sister was there, and I couldn't relax, so I wanted to be alone, I guess.

So, I would go to the vending machine and buy soda, or not buy soda, and drink it, or not drink it. As time slips by while I'm staring off at the empty streets, not too long, I'd start to feel like maybe it was time to head home, and then I'd just sort of do it.

That was what it was like at first, but one time, when I was in sixth grade, it was hot outside. It was summer season, I think, and when I went to where the vending machine was, someone came along and I thought maybe I should hide, but that felt kind of awkward, so I thought maybe I'd just pretend not to notice them, but it was someone I knew, my childhood friend, Cecilia, who lived nearby. Well, I won't really say "childhood friends" because, I mean... we're still kids.

Cecilia had a silky yellow hair past over her shoulders, and is always in ponytail. She always had her pink bunny hairpin above her left ear. That alone, adds more impact to her cuteness. She's a...blonde, I think. Not sure though. Her blue eyes are considered rare at our place, because I'm an Asian. For me, with or without bias, I think it's pretty and I find it attractive. It suits her appearance just fine. Well, it's just what everyone in my country will think to a certain person from a foreign country.

Like, seriously, she looked just the same since we were little, and if someone ever tell her to maybe, just maybe, change her appearance a little, I think she'll be a lot more popular. And if someone were brave enough to ask her out, she will just reject them instantly. I'm certain at this because I knew her since we're at preschool and I tried to ask her that, like, a couple of times.

She wasn't sociable at all, and you could never tell quite what she was thinking. At school and places like that, she was the type who always seemed a little bit out of place. She has a huge presence, but, well, I think she herself hasn't even realized it. It's odd though, I only noticed just now that I was the only one that can approach her casually. I was only the one she will talk to, tell her problems to, play to, consult to and so on. If anything, for us, it was pretty much normal. We were childhood friends anyway, so maybe we developed that kind of bond without us even noticing it.

It wasn't like she had no friends, or anything like that. But rather than being really close friends with anyone, she just hung out with a group of people, sort of.

I dunno why, but from the time we were in preschool, I had been interested in Cecilia. Like, "Y'know, there's something kind of different about her", to be honest, I just couldn't get her out of my head, because, well, I guess you could say I like her.

Actually, Cecilia was the first person I'd ever fallen in love with, and I'd been in love with her ever since. I mean, we'd been together since preschool, after all, and we'd been in the same class a number of times, and our houses were close, and we talked, too, because we were pretty close, but I'd never confessed my love to her, or anything like that. I want to become a friend she can rely on.

I think it happened when we were in fourth grade. There were rumors going around that Cecilia liked Herman, and when we were alone together after school I asked her if they were true, just like that, as subtly as I could. She then thought for a little while and then answered "Yeah, kinda."

That. That was a shock.

A pretty major one.

Herman was slender, not really athletic or anything, but he was learning piano and is good at calligraphy. He came from, I guess you could say, a good upbringing...

Ah, so that's what Cecilia's into, I thought. I see.

So that's it.

Is that it?

A part of me saying, "Nah, it can't be."

Herman had all these things I didn't, but, actually, once in a while we would play together, and Herman was a really good guy. I had no complaints about him. He was pretty high up on my friends list, you could say, and I had a good impression of him, so it was like, "Oh, Cecilia likes Herman, huh..." Like, "Well, Herman is a good guy, after all", Like, "You know, I don't really know what to do, but I've gotta be supportive", I mean, it'd have been awkward if she'd fallen for some weirdo, but this was Herman. He was a good guy. And above all, my real intention was that, I want her to gain new bonds. That way, maybe she will manage to break her own wall and start socializing and enjoying her life a little.

That was what I thought, so I made a suggestion. "Hey, Cecilia, why don't you give him, like, a letter, or something? Herman, his house is pretty strict, so he doesn't have a cellphone, but a letter, yeah, I think he would read it. I think he'd give you a response, too. I mean, it's Herman after all. How about it?" Cecilia said she didn't need to. That she was fine without it. That she had no intention of doing anything like that.

Oh, okay. I see. Hmm.

She just liked him, that was all.

That was her answer. She just liked him.

Still, you know, I tried a lot of things. Like finding ways for Cecilia to talk to Herman as much as possible. Or setting it up so Cecilia and Herman could be alone together. When I look back at it now, it was all pretty blatant and awkward, but I was frantically doing everything I could back then. I mean, Herman, he was a good guy, and Cecilia... I loved her. I'll do anything to make her happy.

Anyway, during the summer that I was in sixth grade, Cecilia came to the vending machine, and when she called out to me to ask what I was doing, I answered, "Oh, nothing, I'm just sort of hanging out here", and Cecilia, still had the same appearance, let out a deep sigh of exhaustion because of the hot weather, so she wanted a cold can of soda, so she had come here to buy one. Well, we talked there for, like, ten to fifteen minutes, and then return at our own respective homes. Occasionally, I would go to the vending machine, and sometimes Cecilia would be there.

She would buy a cold soda when the weather's hot, and when it was cold, it's a warm can of low caffeinated coffee.

Cecilia would complain that cold soda bothered her throat, but then still drink it, or call a low caffeinated coffee a "cafficoffee," and say "Hot, hot," and blow on it to cool it down, and I really did love her for all of that, but, I dunno, it wasn't that I loved her so much it was unbearable, it was a natural love, you know, it was just there like an air. Well, yeah, of course I love her and it had always been like that.

Cecilia was the type to fall for boys pretty often. She didn't let it show, though. And I'm the only one she can tell at these sort of things. Well, we're like an open book, we understand each other really well and we're comfy talking to each other.

According to her, she would just vaguely start thinking, "Hey, he's nice", and then she'd find herself thinking about that guy all the time, so then she'd realize, "I really like him, huh?"

And as long as she could keep thinking that, she would stay that way.

Didn't she want to go out with them?

When I asked her that, she answered that she wasn't completely uninterested in that, but that she didn't feel strongly about it. I guess that was just how it was.

Since I loved Cecilia, I did think I'd want to go out with her if I could, but she likes someone, some other guy, and when I couldn't help but ask her who it was that she liked now, she would always tell me honestly.

Then I'd think, "Well, you know, even if she doesn't intend to do anything about it, I hope they can be friends, or that they can get to know each other better"... and somehow, I'd end up trying to make that happen.

Even though Cecilia never asked me to, I did it on my own.

It's not that I didn't think, "Why am I even doing this?" I mean, I thought that a lot. And that I was being an unreasonable idiot, too.

Cecilia was unsociable, and she was kind of expressionless, but when she was talking to a guy she liked she would get excited, and when they were done talking she would stare off into the sky with a slight smile. Seeing her like that, I always feel kinda relieved. Like, "Oh, she's having fun, huh. And it's been a while since I saw her smile."

Good for her. Though, my little regret was that, I'm not the one making her happy. When I thought "Ah, Cecilia's happy", it made me happy, too.

I don't know how to say it, but even though I had known Cecilia for a long time, think about it as hard as I might, I didn't really know how to make Cecilia smile. So I thought that, it's better if I used my friends as a leeway to her happiness. If I can't do it, maybe they will. And I succeeded at that, barely.

Cecilia was pretty mysterious. She didn't read, she didn't listen to music, she barely watched TV, and when, once in a while, she found something like a hobby, she tired of it in no time.

When I asked her, "Is there nothing you really, really like?" she will respond with, "Yeah, there's nothing." She was hard to grasp, which was why she interested me, and I wanted to make her happy, I wanted to see her smile, but I just couldn't figure out how.

That was what Cecilia was like. I'd rarely even see her smile. She's already beautiful even in her gloomy mood, but, I just can't imagine Cecilia's face being 'really' happy, like, happy from the bottom of her heart", I tell her jokes occasionally, corny or not, it's still not enough to break her shell.

So, no matter what it took, I wanted to make Cecilia happy. I wanted to make her smile. I want to see her smile.

Though, yeah, it was a little painful.

There was a time when spring came along, as I was sitting in front of the vending machine, I saw her approaching the vending machine where I'm at.

I kinda had a vague feeling she would, but often when I got that feeling, she wouldn't end up coming. But that day, She actually came, and in my mind, I wanted to shout out, "Yes!" and pump my arm, but I held back.

With feigned calmness, I greeted her with a "Hey." and Cecilia slightly raised her right hand in response, saying "Hey." herself.

The way she spoke and her little gestures, they were super adorable, and I thought, "Yeah, that's it," reconfirming for myself that I loved her, but right now she likes this guy in our class who had an uncommon name, Ele...Eleas? Ah right. Ellieas. This Ellieas, he was a good guy, and he looked good, too, so I thought Cecilia had good taste in guys.

How should I put it?

He was one of those guys who weren't super popular with the girls or anything, but when you looked at them as another guy, you thought, "But he's a good guy, you know? Why don't girls see that?" But no, they did see it, and there was always one, or two, or maybe a few girls who were secretly crushing on them.

Like, "Yeah, even I can totally see why." Like, "Well, if it's him, I can't complain." Of course I'd want to support her, and I did. I mean, I was no match for guys like that. I'd start getting ahead of myself, thinking things like, "He could make Cecilia happy."

One cloudy afternoon, We're at the vending machine. Cecilia bought herself a soda. One of those lemon-lime drinks. She opened it with the pull-tab, then took a sip. She grimaced just a little, letting out a groan.

"My throat hurts", she complained.

"Hey".

"Hmm?"

"If it hurts, why drink soda?" I asked.

"Because I want to drink it." she answered and took another sip.

"Of course you want it", I said in a sarcastic tone. I pinpointed "want" to make her know what I really mean. Yeah, it's pretty good to be sarcastic sometimes.

"But, you know, drinking it too often is probably bad for my health", she added.

"Could be. Athletes aren't supposed to drink it, I hear. Soda."

"Oh, I see", she said. "Not that I'm an athlete at all." she said in a plain tone, as usual.

I held up my urge to laugh. Well, maybe it's okay, then", I said after I maintained my composure, and drank my cold canned lemonade as well.

"It's only once in a while though."

"You say that, but don't you drink it pretty often?" I asked.

"I only really drink it here". She took another sip while she put a few strands of her hair lying beneath her ear. Oops, she's cute. Better watch out, or I'll get flustered.

"I see." I tried telling her about how I'd gone to hangout with Ellieas recently.

It's strange. Cecilia didn't seem interested. She also seemed like she might be feigning disinterest, but listening closely.

I figured that, yeah, she had to be listening, so I told her about the events, pinpointing what Ellieas did.

I talked about how Ellieas could be kind of cool sometimes. And when I was feeling a little exhausted and went quiet, Ellieas struck up a conversation with me because he was concerned. I talked about what a great guy Ellieas, her crush, could be.

"Me," Cecilia said, speaking up suddenly. "I can't be considerate, and I can't look out for other people, so maybe I like people who can do that."

"Oohhh," I said, pretending to be amazed. "That makes sense. Like, looking to find what you, yourself lack in others?"

"Do you think I lack consideration for others, too, Jin?" she asked, a slight annoyance in her voice.

"No, that's not it. You don't do things that make people feel uncomfortable, do you?"

"Maybe I don't."

"Yeah, that's what I thought." I finished the "being considerate topic" because I think it'll get outta nowhere if it continues.

"You don't either, Jin", she said.

I was surprised. "Eh really? Am I managing to be considerate?" I stared at her.

"Like you are to me?" she returned my gaze and put her point finger in her chin as she asked.

"Hmm. Well, we've known each other a long time, after all", I chuckled.

"Don't you have one, Jin?" she asked, her gaze still locked on me.

I knew what she meant, but I still asked an incredibly dumb question. I look dumb, but this question really put candle on the cake. "Huh? One what?"

"A person you love, or a girl you're interested in", she said straight, showing no sign of hesitation.

I was at a loss for what to say, and I thought hard, my brain racing like crazy, and I did think this might be my big chance to tell her, but then I thought, no, it wasn't my chance, how could it possibly be, and thought better of it.

I love Cecilia, but it's not quite like that, I thought.

It was like that, but it wasn't.

What was it? I'm not sure either.

It felt like it had already gone past that point. Like it had transcended it.

I didn't care about myself, and I was happy as long as Cecilia was happy.

It seemed stupid, and if you asked me whether I really felt that way—I wonder about that.

Things are fine the way they are. That's what I might have been thinking.

If I kept the same distance from her that I always had, we could talk like this sometimes. If Cecilia got herself a boyfriend someday, that might change, though. If it happened, it happened. That would be fine in its own way, I felt.

I mean, Cecilia had always liked someone else, and I had always watched her, so painful as that would be, I was used to it.

I did love Cecilia, though.

"I don't," I lied. "If I did, I'd tell you." I lied again.

"Not that I really want to know," she said. She looked in the street in front of us, releasing me from her gaze.

"Wow. You're awful. After all the times I've listened to you talk about yours."

"Hmph. You gutless meat-head", she pouted. It''s a rare expression from Cecilia. For all the years we've spent together, this is the first time I saw her pout. It's cute though.

"...Did you say something?" I questioned her. Despite hearing what she really said.

"Yeah. I said something."

"Yes, yes, yes I heard you..." I let out a small laugh. I wondered what that insult was supposed to mean.

Though, maybe, Cecilia might have realized. That I was in love with her.

Would she have been able to figure out that much? She would, huh. I'm not really good at hiding my feelings. Furthermore, it''s clearly visible if Cecilia will focus on my expression. It was like, I'm clearly denying it, but my face was honest. That itself, was Cecilia's ability. It's not like she's an espher, and I knew that she can tell if I'm lying or not. And then...

Cecilia crouched down next to me. Her shoulder was next to mine. Cecilia was looking downwards, her cheeks a bit red. She looked like she wants to say something, but couldn't. A few minutes passed. Every second seemed forever. It's awkward. And after a few minute while we're shoulder to shoulder, she finally mustered up enough courage to put her feelings into words. Or at least, that's what I assumed.

"Someday, Jin, if you find a person you love..."

"...Yeah?"

"...tell me." she finished.

"I thought you didn't want to know."

"Not really," she said. "But tell me, okay?"

"Well, okay." Cecilia turned a little to face me, smiling slightly, her eyes narrowing a little. "Jin, you don't lie, right?"

"Well, there's a time and place for everything," I said. "But I don't lie to you." I'm literally lying to her right now, and I hate myself because of that. And I felt really guilty deep inside.

"I know." she said, looking relieved. "While it's true that I liked someone, it's not like that I love them, y'know...", she then lightly slapped my shoulder and stood up. "Nevermind. Bye then, gutless meat-head", she said with a smile as she turned her back towards me and headed to her way home.

"Bye, Cecilia." I said as my eye followed her figure slowly getting far from me.

I didn't really understood what she meant by her statement earlier. I wanted to shout and ask her what that really meant. But I stopped that urge and headed the different side of street, on my own way home. And... at that time, I didn't expected that that'll be our last meeting.

CECILIA *on her way home*

I'm sorry Jin, for all this time... I couldn't tell you.

I've always loved you. You're the only one I liked. The thing I've liked someone else, they're not true...

I pretended, lied to myself and the others, just to see how you'd react. But rather than to be jealous...

You...Jin, even gave me your full support. You're not like the others, you would do anything for me, that's why you're special. And I'm certain, that's exactly why I've fallen in lov--- *thud*

Jin *on his way home*

I'm lying, though. It's probably blatantly obvious, too.

Listen, Cecilia, I... For a long time now...

For as long as I can remember, I've loved you, and only you.

I can't say it, though. I'm sorry, for not telling you while I still got the chance. I want to see your smile again... I want to make you happy, by myself...if possible.

I'm sure I'll go my whole life without ever seeing you smile again. As I was walking at the street, there seemed to be a strange light. I didn't know that approaching it will change my life. And this is my story before I was transported into another world. A world where I, will face hardships, experience an unforgettable journey and...know who I really am.