1 Melancholic Melancholy I

17 years old in high school and I think I've seen and experienced same problems and challenges as if I were an adult.

Being with an adult does not really help, asking advices and tips for life isn't really working out as I thought.

Someone to rely to is something necessary, I started to think that way...but then people don't really understand you if you didn't understood yourself first.

A friend of mine told me that life is better if you're enjoying it. I think so too, honestly, but the problem is that, this 17 year old me is having a hard time finding something exciting.

As I grow older, I went life as a normal human being. Being addicted at the internet and social media apps, not to mention games and online stories, talking with strangers and becoming friends that started from a simple, "Sorry, wrong send." Not really confusing but might as well try.

School was fun, in the first day was a challenge to make a great impression for everybody and to prove that you're slightly not a pushover. Making friends started with a classmate not having a piece of paper and ask some from me. Would you give one? I did, to not ruined a fleeting reputation and a future compensation, I did.

Time went fast like a flicker of light, yet I don't remember being friends with some idiots, some chick cliques, and a group of musicians, not to mention the scholar ones, the introverted people, and the pack of warfreaks...Do I really jump group that much?

In that class I feel left out, like when they simply go out for a break and didn't invite me. But what's the big deal? Well maybe that fact that I don't want to admit being lonely, I wasn't like that before tbh.

The end of some semester and a friend confessed, not the first but not the last either.

We were good friends, brushed it off like a joke but it doesn't seem like it. Memories invaded my mind and made my vision blurry, I don't get it. What if I reject my poor "friend"? Will we stop hanging out and be awkward as hell? What if I accepted and started dating? I don't really feel the same though, and that would feel bad.

I made a rule not to date a classmate again, so I always keep the distance to a safe zone, ah millennials call it friend zone right?

Keeping the line not too close and not too far would be the right thing, so I turned down the chance to date a good friend.

Examinations are treated very different for every people, some that do their very best by studying their ass of but still has ten or more mistakes, some that simple answer what their instinct and what would their gut feeling tell them to, And some, arriving thirty minutes late but still the first one to finish the test.

As for yours truly, I am merely a part of the " I don't really study well, but still manage to pass" troupe. One classmate hit me and simply said its unfair.

A transfer student! Intro, blah blah blah. Let's move to the time when I found myself simply staring at that direction. Admiration maybe? What is it the looks? Not that charming but I feel so attracted to this alien species from planet one punch. That's because our convos was full of punching and stuff.

I made a rule not to date a classmate again, that includes not having romantic feeling and mutual understandings dammit! I wonder if my friend that I turned down feels like this all the time. Oh we're friends again btw.

Confess? No way!

Its just some hormones misdirection or something, hormones misdirection my ass! Have I really become that stupid?

I don't have a chance in the first place right? It be better if these feelings remain locked and buried.

Though I cried when I found out that the transfer student likes my friend (remember the one I turned down?) and they ended up going out by the next month.

Hmph. Rainbows*

Well with that problem getting solve in a not so familiar way, career survey comes and barges in my front door. Not literally tho.

As someone that just goes with the flow, I didn't really think about my future that much. Sure I have a few things I like to do when I grow up, but it doesn't seem like a real job. I could just write "I want to be a lawyer" or "I'll go to the mars and flirt with aliens."

Jokes aside, The question, "What are you, Ten years from now." simply sound sarcastic and I wanna write I wanna be a NEET would risk my weekly allowance big time.

It just hits something deep inside that I don't know what my future is.

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Have a family? I don't think I'm a commited type. Plus I'm not good with kids, and marriage would be a big sacrifice of sooooo many things.

Then stay single forever? could be an option but I doubt it.

Travel the world and go on adventures? Sure! but I need a looooooot of cash just to book one plane ticket...world's pretty big after all.

Going home to relieve stress from so much school work, laying down on my bed in my room is so relaxing....or not, unfortunately I share a room with my siblings, and how annoying life would be, listening a loud snore from a kid four years younger.