1 Turmoil

I have to escape this life I can't endure it ,

what I've been has killed me.

what I have done, how people treated me ,what should i do?

I sit there smoking my spliff(weed)reminiscing over the past, feeling sick and tired.

the only thing that comes to mind is God.

no person, no material things ,just the one who made me.

I hope I'm doing the right thing because when I die I'm scared I upset God, but the pain is too much I just don't want to feel anymore.

I'm in this hostel because I have nowhere to go.

my life is in ruins a past tarnished with sin.

I see this guy.....I feel aggitated by his presence,he's irritating to me.why I do not know,maybe he stood out because he acts different.

I felt a connection from the first sentence he uttered,he didn't know me nor I him but we were to be more than we knew.

I'm sitting in the hostel tv room and couple drunk oldies are there pretty harmless if you ask me,in walks Mr man. (Yusuf) plonks his self down he silently looks in my direction but I notice.

We watch the tv drunk oldies start talking

"hey wats your name young lady?"

I don't care for talking but I'm lonely and don't care anymore so what the have I got to lose?

"I'm jane"

he continues talking

"well jane would you like a can?"

I think why not sod it

"ok thanks"

Mr man looks at me and whispers

"don't talk to em"

ok whatever like he knows me and my life f%$k off anyway I just say

"cool" and promptly leave to my room,he ruined my mood anyway I didn't want to feel again but he reignitedthat part of me damn it.

Mr man made me feel like someone cares maybe I can hold on a bit longer.....?

I Bill a spliff and insomnia sets in,no rest for me my mind goes to places and thoughts too serious for sleep.

maybe I'll work on my music because I have no radio,no phone or tv.

yeh I'll do that then get a hot shower and try scrounge some food only have ten quid and cigarettes nearly done and no food only God can help me.....

I didn't sleep well at all between the spliff the can and no food a hell of a headache is on its way....I need to think...I need to talk to someone to figure out why I'm here and why things are like this...I'm not content walking around not knowing the answers to the questions,there's got to be an awnser to these questions it doesn't make sense.

I get dressed tracky bottems and t shirt I go outside in the sun cigarette in hand,pain in my heart and great no lighter !

Just as I'm about to go in to get a light HE walks by

I ask quietly

"Hey u got a lighter"

hegoes in his pocket and passes it "Yeah here "

Ireply in a dull lifeless manner "Thanks .....so what's your name?"

I say as we stand akwardly,I didn't think he'd respond but I as I pass his lighter back he mumbles "Yus "

And then as a dam gushes forth when you open the flood gates,I had this sudden involuntary want to reveal my scars to Yus,it compelled me the heart pumping my life blood the unseen consciousness told me reassuringly to trust him

I started shakily

"Mine's Jane .....you know my life's so fucked right! now I don't know why I'm telling you but I have no one ,what's the point in life ?I've been used, lied to ,beaten til I couldn't take it and I just can't find a way out ......sorry I'm so full of shit, I should leave you be" I flushed in embarrassment

"No honestly,u can talk to me. I don't judge people like that and I'll just listen ok...I'm in no rush"

With that I burst into tears and told him everything sparing no details and he listened, 5 cigarettes one spliff and two cups of tea later.

I depart feeling lighter.

he knocks on my door a few hours later and gives me some homemade chicken and rice(by his mum for him I found out later he visits her everyday and comes back) honestly he doesn't know on so many levels how physically and spiritually I needed that kind gesture.

Yus broke my thoughts

"Do you need anything from the shop?"

How am I gonna say I'm skint I need pads as my period just started.

I'm using tissue and got no cigs.

I'll be brave I guess ,its hard I never accept help from anyone so pride aside I respond timidly looking down

"I don't have cigarette"

he reaches in his pocket and hands me twenty pounds and walks off to the shop closing the front hostel door .

I'm speechless.....really i dont understand why he gave me money?

I can't take it because I can't pay it back I lost my job.

He returns hands me a twenty deck of ciggerettes ,milk ,t.bags biscuits and sugar .

like what the hell how can I repay his kindness?

"Yus I can't accept the money....I can't pay u back and it's really kind you giving me stuff but I feel bad man "

he simply replied"I have sisters and I wouldn't leave them in this way u get what you need and forget about paying me back I have enough"

still dumbfounded I nodded but as it was getting late I was worried he'd go so I said

"can we walk for a bit...I'm a bit restless?" He said kindly replied "alright give me like half hour and I will meet you at the front"

he went to his room and me to mine then I put the stuff away and sat on the floor and sobbed my heart out .

for all the hurt bad memories and the fact Yus was so kind to me.

I didn't ask for help and he couldn't know my needs, he's just human.

My pain hurts but he has something I feel I need and not in a relationship way niether in way of friendship so what the heck is it ?

he comes out the front of the hostel we start to walk and chat about random stuff all above board.

he feels like a brother to me after just one talk from then we start to every evening walk, I almost expect him to be there,to the point I shout at him .

where were you or why are you late ?

Anyway after a week or so I figure he's not English and not brought up abroad so he's British.

where are his forefathers from?

I think Asian and Caribbean...I have to ask i guess But the question comes out to my mouth shocks me

"are you Muslim?"

He says"yes"

well now I may as well ask more

"how do u become a Muslim and what do Muslims believe?" He started

"Muslims share many of the same basic beliefs as Christians and Jews, while differing fundamentally from Eastern religions such as Hinduism, Buddhism, and Taoism:

God created the world and all that is in it.God established in His revealed word the principles by which to live, including concern for the poor.One shouldn't worship other gods, or money, or power, or oneself.At the end of time, God will judge all people.If a person had fulfilled the divine command, he or she will go to heaven.

God calls upon all people to submit to His will, as embodied in His revealed law. In fact, the word islammeans submission; Islam comes from the same root as the word for peace. Islam is often thought of as the religion of submission to God.There are certain tenets one must believe without any doubt in order to be considered a Muslim. These articles of faith are as follows:

Belief in GodBelief in His AngelsBelief in His BooksBelief in His Prophets and MessengersBelief in the Day of JudgmentBelief in God's Divine Decree

Islam is the name of the religion. A Muslim is the name of a member of the Islamic religion. The word "Muslim" means "one who submits to God." A Muslim isn't a Mohammedan, and Muslims don't belong to a Mohammedan religion, because Muhammad is only a man. Muslims worship God and not Muhammad so that's it really you testify there is no God worthy of worship except Allah and Muhammad is the last prophet "

I was in Total shock.

i knew of islam and my friends were all muslim pretty much ,but i didnt know this information.

I has considered Islam before but didn't really get it.

it's time to get serious I really need to think everything over.

Two days later we were on a walk .

I decided after much deep thought I was going to take the steps I wanted to be a Muslim.

I was also curious about yus and what he thought

"Yus have you ever thought about dying. ... I mean if we worship God then what happens?"

He looked deep in thought and replied

"Death is a reality that none of us can deny. Every human living on this planet no matter a poor man or a King have to die one day.

billions of humans came before us and all of them died.

Even we will die One Day. After death a new life will begin.

If we will do good deeds in this life then we will be in peace hereafter and if we will do bad deeds here then we will be in trouble afterdeath.

So We should really be preparing for the death because it has to come no matter what.

for some it will come soon and for some it will come later.

but it will come for sure"

I nodded yes surely the only certainty in life is death.

"what if I became Muslim will I be pardoned for my sins?"

he said seriously

" if you want to be Muslim I'll help you as much as I can and yes it's all forgotten on the condition you dont return to that state ad you repent if you do slip"

I needed to say so much to him, I felt so close to him but far .

he kept my honour unlike the guy I'm 'with' we were silent but it was peaceful looking out over the hill seeing the bustle and lights of the city and the lull of night it just was serene .

When we got back none other than tyrese was there looking vexed and I felt terrified.

I met him when I was sixteen he complimented me and spent time talking to me.

he would say I sing beautiful and I'm gorgeous and give me spliffs he was cool.

I moved in with him it was great ....I thought I had strong feelings for him,I started working he was my friend, my family he used to cook for me.

I never lifted a finger at home I'd come from work,meal ready all the time, I bring some drink we would relax ,Bill spliff, jam to tunes and have great sex......but one day I was late having a coffee with mags from the restaurant.

I was walking home with her and I spotted ty walking towards me looking like a storm cloud

"Hey baby you alright?"

"No!you Fucking bitch I'm not where the Fuck have you been?"

I was startled he never spoke to me like that.

I became vexed

"don't ever Fucking talk to me like!that especially in front of my work colleague.....mags see ya babe"

she looked petrified

"bye hunny" see gave me the eye of uncertainty I dismissed her with my eyes.

I'm not scared!Fucking any man calling me bitch, I'm a grown woman he's in for it now .

He walks ahead mumbling profanities under his breath I kiss my teeth cha!

Soon as we reach the door it slams closed and he grabs my hair.

I struggle thinking in my naivety that I could handle this situation and then comes the punch in my mouth.

"my woman don't go trekking around street like some hooker late at night and what the fuck were you doing for one hour?"

I gattered all my strength and kicked his groin, I fell back ,he pulled my boot off with force.... so I whacked him with the one I took off my foot. As he was stunned i ran into the bedroom.

wanting nothing more than to get away, to pack and leave.

he runs in and headbutts me so hard I see white envelope me.

I bring up my knee and to injure him but as I cant see I'm aiming in the dark.

I hear him fall back to into the wardrobe.

I gain some clarity of sight and run to the bathroom,nose bleeding, crying my eyes out.

he comes in taking charge and grabs a cloth putting warm water on it ,holding my small waist trying to clean the wounds as I resist .

sobbing hard I give in the struggle leaving me

"get off me .....you hurt me...get out"

he rubs my back gently as I'm cringing inside and says gently to me

"baby I'm so sorry......never again....it wont happen again....I was worried and you disrespected me out on street"

I internally break and realise I have nowhere to go

"I was just having a coffee.....yyyou you said the boys were coming round to disscuss the weed.....so I wanted to stay out of your wayyy"

I cried as he hugged me whispering comforting words.

he picked me up put me in bed,got me a beer and spliff and left me to sleep.

later in the night he comes and lays next to me with no remorse

"im going to show you your mine"

I absent mindedly let him enter me....with that losing part of myself.

he kissed me to which I don't respond.

he finishes elated smile on his face,while I turn sobbing silently with my bloody nose and bruised face and broken spirit.

"you need me jane....dont ever think of leaving"