1 When will I be the old me again?

I had no reason to care about r*pe then-I was a lucky kid, safe and securely loved but that story hit me hard. Somehow I sensed what was coming for me even then. Really, though, what girl doesn't? It looms over you, that threat of violence. They drill the danger into your head until it starts to feel inevitable. You grow up wondering when it's finally going to happen.

I just want to stop.

I'm tired of it.

Tired of crying.

Tired of feeling so weak.

Tired of being proved wrong by myself.

Tired of thinking I'm strong and have got over it.

Just to learn, suddenly, I'm not.

It was so embarassing to have that panic attack over something I would have brushed away so easily earlier.

It's a darker feeling, a fear of there being something wrong with me that I won't ever be able to fix.