Chapter 54
CALEN'S POV
Despite how deep into my books I tried to go I was unable to run from the thoughts of him imprinted in my very cells. I could have been panting and restless yet the impossibility of us refused to stop chasing me. My heart craved the magic we used to create but I wasn't able to provide it.
I had finally decided to go back to my own quarters. The other students had began to constantly talk, they said I was heartbroken and on the verge of losing myself. That I spent way too much time in that empty room, trapped alone with my memories of him shining in every place I turned.
So I had left before Mrs. Tina got something else to use against me in our counselling sessions. She had heard about me leaving school only minutes after warning me not to do so, and when she confronted me about it I had told her I hadn't even been driving.
But to her it wasn't about that, it was about my refusal to follow instructions,said my pain was making me rebellious. That I was nothing like the Calen I had been prior to Jerald's departure.
She was right.
I was considering giving up my position as both the student's representative and the head of the student's board. I was in no state to lead. How could I solve the problems of others when I was incapable of solving my own?
That first night back in my quarters I stared at the words on my book, then I sighed and placed it aside. At lease I had managed to send Jerald's parcel and Aliyah had told me she had gone to check on its arrival and they had told her to go back tomorrow.
That had been a few days ago. I hadn't spoken to her since. According to what she had told me, Jerald was ' hanging in there '. What was that supposed to mean? I think she had meant it as way to make me feel better but had ended up doing the exact opposite.
If he was well she would have said he was, so her refusal to be direct concerning his status only made me worry more.
Everyone else was busy studying for their final exams, yet there I was, unable to read because my mind was overflowing with thoughts of my lost love.
I had been about to work on an assignment when my phone rang. I assumed it would be Aliyah, but when I looked at the screen I frowned.
My mother was calling....she hardly ever called. Sitting on the edge of my bed I answered, the phone next to my ear and confusion written all over my face.
" Hello?" I began. My mother and I used to be close, I used to tell her literally everything that happened. But with time, with distance, we had began to draw further apart. And now I kept quiet and waited for her to talk because I had nothing to say.
" Calen? How are you?"
" I'm okay. What about you?"
" I'm good, busy but good...." She grew quiet and I didn't talk. I knew she was being honest about the busy part. As a research scientist there was always something new to discover, and my mother was one of the very best in the field so she hardly had time to catch a break.
" Ummmmm, " she said afterwards, making this sound from the back of her throat. Like she wanted to tell or ask me something but was unsure of how to start.
" Mum, Is there anything else ? I was planning on doing my assignment, " I loved her but our phonecalls were always uncomfortable. With her searching for words and me not giving her any because I was afraid she wouldn't understand. Or that she'd have to cut the conversation short and tend to other matters.
" Calen my love, your school called, "
I immediately sat up straight and my lips parted in shock. Everyone was exaggerating. It truly wasn't that serious, there was no reason to call my parents over the matter. I was taking care of it all on my own.
" They say you're not doing--"
" I'm doing perfectly okay. No need to worry, "
" Calen, " she called my name as if she was drained. Like she wanted to fix things but had neither the strength nor the ability to do so. I heard her sigh.
" Come on, talk to me. Just tell me what's going on?"
I forced myself to sound as unaffected as I could be. I wasn't going to end that phonecall until she was convinced I was okay.
That I didn't need her to worry.
That I didn't need her at all.
" It's just the school work and the college applications as well, " I lied. She didn't respond and I checked to confirm whether she was still in the line, placing my phone back to my ear when I saw that she was.
" Wow, " she finally said. And I sensed disappointment in that singular word. I dug my hand into my hair and bowed my head.
" Is this where we are now? We're lying to each other?" She asked me and felt a little bad.
" Your teacher wouldn't tell me what was happening,said I ought to ask you myself. Calen tell me, maybe I can help. "
She couldn't, there was nothing she could do to make things better.
" I'm okay, "
" Why do you always say that? Each time I ask you claim that you are, but I know that's not true. "
I sighed. Closing my eyes and wishing for that entire conversation to come to an end. But she kept on asking me, she even knew about my counseling sessions. Then she said she would drop everything and come to my school to see me and I decided to tell her. I didn't need her to visit me.
It had been nine years and she had only ever come twice, there was no reason for her to come when I was almost done with my studies.
" You wouldn't understand, " I said in a final attempt to get her to let it be.
" Try me, " she said and I stood, walking over to my balcony and holding onto the railing.
" It's complicated, "
" Uncomplicate it for me. "
I couldn't believe that I was actually going to tell her. She patiently waited for me to go ahead. I didn't even know where she currently was. She was always moving around from place to place. Same to my father.
" I um, there's this boy, " I began, and I could only picture my mother's reaction in my head as I told her. She was quick, must have already figured out where I was heading with that statement,but she still gave me time to go on.
" I love him, but he couldn't stay here so he left, " It was a version of the truth that was easier for my mother to understand. And I also couldn't ignore the fact that I had just come out to her.
Over the phone while she was miles away.
" Oh," was her response. She was clearly in shock. I heard her clear her throat and attempt to regain her composure.
" So that means that...that you're..."
" Correct. "
" Oh. " She said again before falling completely quiet. I shook my head and told her to let it be, that it wasn't really anything for her to worry about.
" No,Calen no, " She called out before I hang up.
" I was just surprised. Wait, why have you never told me this, don't tell me you were scared. "
" Of course not, "
" Good, you know I'd love you no matter what. "
I did know that. The only reason why I had never told her was because it had never come up. And plus we only talked like three times a month,when she called to ensure that I was still alive.
" I'm guessing your dad doesn't know?"
" No, I haven't gotten around to telling him yet, "
I talked more with my mother than my dad. In other words, him and I never communicated. She tried to get me to tell her about Jerald but I told her I'd do so another time since I had homework to do. She must have sensed my reluctance to share because the next time she talked she sounded almost hurt.
" Where's the Calen that was always ready to tell me everything?"
I shook my head,and I tried to force myself not to answer that but I lost the battle to my burning tongue. I swallowed and grit my teeth with anger that emerged from nowhere.
" He grew up, " I told her, and I would have wished her a goodnight but there were chances it was broad daylight wherever she was. So I told her goodbye and hung up.
I honestly didn't understand her sadness. They had been the ones to leave me there,they had chosen their lucrative careers over raising their son. But I had never really cared until now,when I was younger I had known they were out there saving lives, literally. My mother was creating cures and my father was leading attacks against terrorists. But how busy could they honestly have been? No excuse was good enough to cover up their abandonment.
None.