Chapter 35

I instinctively began to run after her, then Calen held my hand and stopped me. 

" J.R- "

" Let me go! " I shouted louder than I ever had before. I doubt I had ever been that afraid. The thoughts running through my mind were all grim and had bad endings. Because I couldn't see how that situation could probably end well. And Calen had seen me be a lot of things, go through a lot of different emotions, but that time was different. It was the fear, but it manifested itself as rage. And as it often is with rage, it needed an outlet and he was the closest one to me, so he automatically became the poor recipient. 

He tried to get me to calm down but I just couldn't, I wanted him to let me go so I could run after my sister and try to explain things before she did something that would indeed end me. End us. 

" You need to try and calm down, you're not yourself at the moment,"

" And you need to let me go!"

He refused. The other swimmers exited the room, figuring they ought to offer us some privacy.

" Think rationally J.R,"

" Don't tell me how to think, All I need is for you to let me go...NOW!"

He still didn't and I was getting more and more frustrated with each second that passed.

" Don't you get it Calen? It's over! All of it, and I knew I ought to have listened to my brain when it told me to stay away, "

" Away from what?"

" From you! "

I was furious, and I'm certain that I looked the part as well. I was fuming with anger and I was so desperate to get him to let go of me that I was willing to say anything.

And meanwhile he looked shattered. With every word I uttered he I broke another part of me. But his hand was still on mine. 

I could get killed for that, I had told him so myself. But it wasn't the death I was afraid of, it was the harm such a revelation could cause to my entire family. And my mother....I couldn't even bring myself to think about it.

" You're angry." such defeat in his tone I was tempted to wrap my hands around him and assure him that it would be okay. That somehow we would work it all out, but the reality was that it was the end. 

" I AM angry Calen Silverstein, I'm angry that I let myself get charmed and that I was willing to forsake everything I had learnt throughout my entire life for the sake of...of what exactly?"

I didn't even know. What I did know was that I had already succeeded in wounding his heart. He looked powerless. 

Yet he still didn't let go. Instead he tightened his hold on my arm and narrowed his gaze at me,his lovely dark brown eyes now a reflection of shadows and lost dreams. And in those eyes he silently asked me to stop it already. 

"Let go," I whispered because I felt as weak as he looked. And I didn't want to hurt him more than I already had. But then I imagined that by then Aliyah had already called home and told them the heartbreaking news. That the future prince of Rabdah was a disappointment, a failure and a pariah. That I had broken the customs and gone against our culture. That I was simply not fit to exist among them.

" Are you done?" Calen asked and I faced away from him, then I tugged at my arm forcefully.

" Unhand me! " It killed me to simply tell him that. Him whose touch I always craved. Him whose voice chased away my fears. Him whose simple stare showered me with love. Deep down I hoped that he would still not let go, and I told myself that if he didn't then I'd try and approach the situation differently,but then I felt his hold loosen and his hand slipped away from my arm. Then he took a step back and gestured towards the door.

" As you wish Jerald...as you wish. "

I felt like there were little imaginary insects crawling on my skin whenever he called me that. It was just wrong, and I stood there and watched him pick his clothes from his locker and put them on. I didn't even know why I was still standing there,but I couldn't bring myself to walk away,there was no way I was going to leave things as they were with Calen. It was the strangest thing, but in that moment, the thought of losing him bothered me more than the fact that Aliyah knew about me. And so I decided that I would fix things with Calen first before I went to find my sister. 

He pretended I wasn't even in the room, getting dressed and sitting down to put his shoes on. It was as if someone had stabbed a butcher knife into my heart and each time he refused to look at me, I felt as if the knife was being turned. 

" Calen, " I moved forward and went down on one knee in front of him. The position enabling me to see him clearly, but he still ignored me. Not saying a single word. He had a game in a few minutes and so did I, but I doubt he was planning on taking part anymore. And I was to blame for that.

" I'm so-" with a finger to my lips he shushed me, then he held me by my chin and shook his head before he stood and made his way to the door. 

And as he was walking out, Aliyah came back. Still dressed in the swimming costume and her dark hair in a long ponytail. I doubt I had ever actually seen the true length of her hair since we were very young children. Calen and her both stopped when they crossed paths, I watched as they threw each other a quick glance and Calen said something to her , then he continued on his way out. 

I felt wrenched. Shifting to lean against the side of the old sofa, I sat on the floor and buried my head between my legs. 

And there was an extremely long silence, before I decided to break it.

" Have you told them already?" 

She didn't answer and in my head I assumed it was because the answer was yes. And I was awaiting the the harsh lecture on what a disappointment I was. But instead I heard her silently walk towards me in her flip flop clad feet, then she gently settled down on the sofa. She didn't say a thing, just sat there for the longest while. And the entire time all I could think about was Calen. I wondered where he was, and I wanted to go after him and make things right again.

Then I felt Aliyah's hand on my shoulder, she pressed it lightly. As if she were offering me comfort.

I was confused, so I looked up at her with a puzzled look. 

" I can't even begin to imagine how awful it must have been to bear such a secret on your own for all these years, "

" Aliyah? "

I was openly shocked. That was not the reaction I had been expecting. Not at all, especially not from her. 

" It's okay brother, you can breathe easy now. For your secret is safe with me. "

I tried to find words, any words, but I came out short. 

" Have you always known?" she asked in that honeyed voice of hers. The same one that had almost all the young boys back home taken with her. I gave a curt nod. Because yes, I truly had always known..even back when I was too young to understand it myself. I had always known. 

" And does anyone else know, apart from me that is?" 

I shook my head. 

She let go of my shoulder and locked her fingers together on her lap. And she looked so understanding I almost let the tears in my eyes fall. But one thing I never did was cry in the company of others. Never. 

" And that young man, you seem very taken by each other," she gestured towards the door, as if he was standing right there. How I wished he was. 

" We're just close friends.." I don't even know why I said that. It was a blatant lie and Aliyah knew it was. She chuckled lightly and shook her head.

" There's no reason to lie to me Jerald. Friends do not look at friends the way he was looking at you. As if you're the only part of his existence that makes sense. "

In that moment I realized that I had never actually known who my sister was. Apart from the little times we spent together, and by spent I mean occupied the same space but didn't talk. I had no clue of who she was, I always assumed she was proud and boastful because that's what I heard, but now I was seeing a version of her that was so mature and understanding that I regretted all the time we had wasted growing up when we could have been so much closer.