Regret in My tears

Jake's Pov

When I saw my bags on the doorstep, I knew I had messed up and this time was different and I knew correcting the mistake I had done was going to take forever. It was like I was taking three steps forward with Sabrina and two backward. Whatever I had done this time round was inexcusable but I had to found out.

I feebly knocked on the door and when she opened it, I saw the tears threatening to flow down her cheeks and I hated myself because there is nothing that tore me into tiny unamendable pieces other than her tears. When she spoke, I knew I had crossed the line. I had no right to request for a DNA test. It showed my insensitivity towards her considering that it took a lot of courage, bravery, the biggest, greatest sense of humanity, and love for her to choose to keep the pregnancy from the worst ordeal in her life. And I couldn't respect that. What kind of man was I? I did not deserve to be with such a good woman. I had allowed my fear of loving a woman with a child who might or might not be my brother to get the best of me. I just wanted it not to be true so badly that I did not think about how it was going to affect her. I am such a selfish being.

As I picked up my bags, tears rolled down my eyes as I knew there was no going back or coming back from this terrible mistake I had made. I hurt her so badly. It's like the tears that she cried every night in her sleep and the nightmares meant nothing to me. When the world condemned her, I was the one supposed to be her refuge, protection, and shoulder to lean on but guess what? I was just the same to everyone in the world. Selfish and uncaring towards her burden and pain. I had allowed my insecurities to ruin the only good thing in my life, Sabrina and the baby, the baby I had grown to love like my own.

The worst thing about regret is that it gnaws at you like a hacksaw. So painfully and slow, each waking moment. I could not handle the regret I was feeling, it felt as if someone was wringing my chest with a chain and I was running out of air. I was torn in between going for a drink and seeing Paps before he heard about my mess from Sabrina. Both would result in my death but the latter would be a slow, agonizing death. I decided on the latter, I drove to Paps' home in Kitengela.

When Paps saw how devastated I was, he gave me a fatherly hug and as we sat down my fears of having walked to my death were alleviated. I explained what had happened and not once did he interrupt. He listened keenly and intently. Once I was done, he said, "My son, what you did isn't right by any standards. It was her truth to bear and tell when she was ready. Patience is everything. Give it time. I know she still loves you and if her love can conquer everything, then she will forgive you. Just give her some time."

That talk with Paps made the burden I bore lighter. I just prayed that she would forgive me in time. I was going to keep myself away from her until she was ready. That included our joint project, I was going to send my vice president in my stead. It was going to be the longest ride of my life as I was already missing terribly. The only thing that gave me peace was stalking and admiring her pictures on social media. Yes, I was officially a stalker. I had sunk to my lowest and only her forgiveness could get me out of my misery. I just had to wait. Be patient. Give it time.