Chapter 38

"No!" and Alex pushed Robbie slightly as she tried to catch her breath. "W-We can't do this."

Her heart raced rapidly as she bit her lip trying to regain her composure.

This was not supposed to happen. They're doing it again.. it was getting confusing all over again. She was feeling something for him that she was not supposed to feel, and every time they kissed, it had just gotten stronger.... wilder.

"Why not?" Robbie asked, moving closer to her again.

'Oh, sht! Sht! Sht!' Alex cursed within herself.

The words jumbled inside her head as she tried to speak the reasons why. But it failed her.

"Robbie-" and he kissed her again. The world stopped as her mind focused on only one thing, HIM. Her doubts suddenly vanished as she kissed him back, snaking her arms around his neck. He pulled her close as hungry kisses were thrown and yet, she pulled back again from him.

"Robbie... we-we can't keep doing this," she managed to say. Her insides were shaking as she tried not to be affected by a single touch from him.

"We'll be married in a week, Alex.." he mumbled as he tried to kiss her again but she pushed him harder. "Alex..."

Alex stood up abruptly, walking away from him. She clutched herself and turned her back from him.

"This is not right, Robbie," her voice sounded more like a whisper as she tried to control all the emotions that were about to burst.

"What's not right about it, Alex? Is it wrong to feel this way? To desire each other?" he asked, confused. He stood up to walk towards her when she gave him a warning look.

"That's the point, Robbie," she spat out. "We cannot keep using each other for sex."

Robbie was taken aback.

Did she just say he was using her for sex? Is that how low she thought of him?

"Whoa! Wait a minute! Are you saying I am some kind of a sex hungry guy who would use your body just to satisfy myself? Is that what you're saying?!" he growled.

He couldn't believe of what she was accusing him.

What does she think he is? A dog who wanted to stick himself to anything to scratch the itch?

'Sht!' he thought angrily.

She flung her shoulders.

"Robbie-"

"No, no, Alex!! You're making all these stupid thoughts about me that it makes me hate you right now. Are you still thinking I am actually substituting you for someone else? A guy maybe? Because you're the one in front of me and not some stupid man I could fantasize over? Is that it?!" he continued.

"Robbie... it's not like that."

"Then what is, Alex! I just don't get you anymore," he roared. "All the while I'm kissing you and you're still thinking I'm gay or bisexual or whatever the f-kng thing you can think of. I've been pouring everything for you.... All my emotions... and yet, this is still how you see me? Guess, it would never change, does it?!"

"Robbie.... I... I am just confused."

"Confused of what? What else do you want me to do for you to see? For you to see me... Not some gay guy you had imagined for so many years. Why can't I change your mind, Alex? Why?!"

"Because... I don't know, too, okay?"

'I don't want to get hurt..' she almost added.

"You don't know or you don't want to know? That's two different things. It seems like you wanted to stay on to what you believe about me rather than giving me a chance to prove it to you."

Alex didn't know what to say because he was right. But then, she couldn't just erase images in her mind... memories that hurt her... and question everything.

She was afraid to risk it.

The last time she risked her heart, she ended up heartbroken and now, she was not sure if this was right. So she would rather keep it to herself, hoping it would go away in time.

But with what Robbie was doing, she just couldn't stop herself not to give in every time he tried to awaken every hidden desire she had for him.

Robbie could sense her struggle, and yet, he could not force her.

"You risk your heart so many times to some bad boy like Miguel and yet, you're afraid to fall in love with me," he told her.

His heart was bleeding but he needed to do it. He would wait but for now, he needed to stop pursuing her. It just hurt so much that she didn't want to show him what she truly felt.

"Robbie..." Alex's voice cracked. "I'm... I'm sorry."

Robbie pursed his lips, trying to contain his anger. He wanted to give her a chance and yet, he was tired of always proving himself to her.

So for now, he needed to take a step back. Maybe by then she would soon realize she actually needed him.

Robbie took a deep breath as he made his decision.

"Don't worry. I'm not asking for more. As we agreed, we will continue with our marriage for Sasha's sake. After that, you can do whatever you want. You can even go back to Miguel or date whoever, I don't care anymore, as long as you make it discreet so you cannot tarnish my name again," and he walked briskly up the steps leaving Alex all alone in the basement.

Alex didn't bother to follow him as she threw herself onto the couch. Like a little baby inside her mother's womb, she hugged herself in a fetal position as tears fell from her eyes.

She was scared... scared to lose Robbie but mostly afraid that she fell too deep she won't be able to get out of it.

Falling hard was the last thing she wanted and yet that was what her heart was telling her.

Why did she have to feel this way towards him? Had it always been there?

Maybe she was blind... maybe she was just ignoring it for so long that the moment they saw each other again.. when they kissed... the spark came back. It probably had been sleeping for so long but she was afraid now to admit it.

Ten years her heart was quiet...

Although Sasha had been a good reminder of that night, she tried hard not to remember him...

All about him....

It was cruel and yet, that was the only way for her to move on from regret... and hope.

Yet, fate still had its own way of doing things and despite of her excuses, they still had to meet again.

Her heart sank as she remembered his words.

"I don't care anymore...."

He was giving her permission to date, bridging their agreement. But that was not what she wanted.

For she wanted him... only him...

And yet, she felt like she couldn't.

Was she ready to hear the truth?

She was desperate to know everything that really transpired on that day... if she was really mistaken from what she saw.

She wanted to be proven wrong.

Why?

'For my peace,' she told herself and sent out a prayer that somehow made her feel calmer.

But she knew there was more.

She wanted to finally had the reason to fall for him... completely... without hesitation.

But how can she do that when Robbie just wanted nothing to do with her anymore?

She sighed as she closed her eyes and slowly took deep breaths.

"Alex..." a familiar voice called her, wiggling her. "Alex... you need to wake up."

She had not realized she had fallen asleep.

Reluctantly, her eyes slowly opened. Seeing Robbie standing in front of her, she got up suddenly.

"Robbie-"

"Sasha is missing," Robbie stated.

"What?"

Then her world froze suddenly as the news of her missing daughter sank in.

"What do you mean she's missing? I thought they're at the beach."

"She's not there. Kellan was missing, too."

Her face paled. The mother in her suddenly wanted to find her as soon as possible.

She couldn't lose her. Not her. Not Sasha.

"Oh god!" Alex exclaimed. "My baby!"

Her breathing went faster as her whole body shook uncontrollably. Her hands flung as she paced the room.

This could not be happening right now. Not her baby. No, not her.

"Alex.." Robbie said and pulled her in an embrace. "Calm down. It's okay. We'll find her."

"My baby! No, my baby! We got to find her."

"We will. Just stay calm," and he hugged her tighter. She hugged him back as her breathing went normal once again.

They needed to find her as soon as possible.

But where could she be?