8 Chapter 8 Exhaustion

Embarrassing. I thought I was over the phase where I had to be carried around for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, I was not.

Roxy kept her promise and canceled the night lessons… for several days, but that only left me wondering what to do.

I thought I'd go mad with the sudden amount of free time I was given, but luckily no one really comes to my room, so I had ample opportunity to sneak out the window, and practice a few techniques.

In the middle of night, in the solace of my room, I'm just waiting for my q, and make for the exit.

"Dear!" A feminine yell echoes down the hall.

And like clockwork they go at it. And like clockwork that gives me an hour of free time where I have no supervision. I'm free to get some training. 

Spring forth from the bed, I already have my clothes on, and open the window. "Always forward, just a step. It doesn't matter where you go, so long as you don't stop," I say an idiom I remembered from my past life.

There's only a few hours 'till daytime so I can probably still work something in.

"Trace on."

///

Mmm. Waking up is getting harder, and harder. 

"...rrrmmmn…" I groan under the pressure on my body, as I struggle to gather my bearings. Everything feels useless. A wave of fatigue overwhelming, making everything dull, and pointless. Even my eyes feel heavy.

I pushed myself a bit harder than usual I guess.

The strain on my body gets removed through healing magic, but only temporarily. It also feels like that euphoric feeling that comes with it is also fading away, lasting less and less.

Perhaps this is mana fatigue?

Whatever, I'll deal with it when it comes.

So… heavy… can't move, no… don't want to move.

So slothful. 

What was I doing again?

Oh, that's right, I passed out. 

"Where am I?" Looking around to figure out my surroundings, I see-

Crap. 

I slept outside. I could probably still make it inside, and make it look like I got up early for morning practice, but it looks like it's going to be a long day today.

I get up, start to head towards my house but… I really don't. 

What do I want?

I want, I want, want to…

"Get up you lazy bum. How long are you going to keep laying on that bed? We're turning off the internet connection, if you don't start making an effort. Here," I was thrown a pair of shoes "A pair of running shoes now, go run around the park, and don't come back if that shirt isn't even a little bit dirty," before consequently being thrown out that door, and told to do something with myself.

Right, I remember. It's been a while, but I was quite slothful once.

I was suddenly hit with a wave of nostalgia.

Recomposing myself, I ignore the dullness going through me, stand up, and make for home. 

On that day, my final day, I didn't leave the door of my own free will. I was pushed out. It was what I needed. But as usual I messed it up.

On that day I ran and ran, and ran until my heart was pumping hard enough for me to hear it. That's how I was used to. Back when I was active, that's how I always trained. So as a man possessed, chasing my own shadow, I made chase, and… caught myself a heart attack.

It's a little embarrassing thinking that I could be anywhere where I was with only a day of training, but in my defense, the blood wasn't going to my head. My breathing was hard and ragged, my eyes were blurry, and my feet hurt, and weirdly enough they were… cold? If that makes any sense. 

I think I might have lost some blood flow to my feet.

These thoughts are so annoying.

I'm not like I was back then. My body can still move. My blood is still flowing. 

Let's throw myself into training, and forget about it.

///

"Ow…"

"Haha, Rudy what's going on? You'll never beat your old man if you can't even beat Lilia- Ah, not that there's any shame in that." He corrected himself upon Lilia's gaze.

Damn couldn't get a single win today. That hasn't happened in a while.

Yeah, no other way to say it, Lilia's been kicking my ass. 

After repeated beatdowns on the hand of Paul I was able to convince him, with the help of Zenith, to invite Lilia in and help me out here and there. Being already familiar with Lilia's teaching, and the fact that Paul and Lilia have trained together in the past, she worked as both a translator, as well as an instructor. 

I've gotten significantly better, and Paul hits me less… until recently that is. 

Seeing as I couldn't even touch Paul lately I've been training with Lilia again, but…

"Ouch." 

My arms hurt.

"That's enough master Rudeus," she intoned.

"W-wait, I can still-"

"No you can't. It's already noon, your magic lessons are about to begin, wrap up and wash up, time to go," Lilia sends me on my way.

She is right… guess there's nothing you can do, time to go.

///

"Is it apparent now master Paul?"

"...yeah, he's getting weaker, don't know-"

"He's running himself ragged, sir Paul."

"...yeah…"

"I'll speak with lady Zenith, and advise her to halt the healing."

"Thank you very much," Paul bowed, holding his hands in prayer towards Lilia.

Such conversation was not heard by Rudeus Greyrat unfortunately.

///

Roxy sensei is treating me oddly today, or spoiling me to be exact. We had a short, really, short lesson, and she's been taking me around the village today. 

With my lessons taking place in the afternoon, and the villagers being mostly active during the morning, my contact with them is minimal, excluding Paul's thot patrol that, 'coincidentally,' makes an appearance every time he trains… shirtless.

Thirsty hoes~

As such the few times I've gone to the village it's quite barren, except for a few adults here and there, and a few children playing along. Not that I talk to them that much. Not including hellos, I've probably had less than five minutes worth of conversation total with anyone outside the household.

I've been invited to play a couple times by the kids I've run into, even gave it a go once, but… the less said about it the better. 

Sensei steps into the middle of a field, and starts waving around her staff.

Hoh~ she didn't make a chant, it seems we're both learning.

Rain starts to fall on the wheat fields, much to the villagers' delight.

"Ah, thank you Roxy." "Thank you young miss." "Always thankful." "So young, and so talented…" etc, etc. 

She is lavished with several praises as she makes her way down the fields. Buena's village's own resident Idol.

How nice~ Want me to set up your fanclub?

I wonder… I guess I could give it a go. 

The magic, not the club.

I separate myself from Roxy and try to get a feel of what she just did, "Eh, R-Rudy? Rudy! I told you to-"

"HA-" I cast, making a short burst of rain. No good, without an incantation, and only doing it once, I skipped too many steps, not good for a first time.

Oh well. 

"Sorry sensei, I…" 

Eh… I'm feeling light headed… and why is the world…

"Oh."

"Rudy!" I see sensei running across the field, sideways.

Ah, I'm falling…

I fell to the ground, and tried to pick myself up, a small splotch of blood on the ground where my face fell.

Another nose bleed.

"Rudy! Are you alright, oh… don't worry… and… home…" It's no good, I'm losing concentration. 

Ah, this feeling…

///

Waking up not knowing where you are is starting to get annoying.

Feeling groggy, heavy, and hot, slightly disoriented, and with a small itch over my skin, I start looking around the room. 

I'm back in my room laying in my bed. Taking a look out the window, I see the sun has already set.

Looks like several hours have passed. 

It's nighttime now, it is quiet and cool, except for my head which is warm and covered with a wet towel. My body as well, but with blankets. It's heavy.

Here I am again… All roads lead to Rome I suppose.

As I lay on my bed, I reflect on today, on my life… and my other life. I'm practically forced to. It feels almost prophetic, how I was reminiscing about crashing, so to speak, and here I am; a total wreck…

Seriously… just… seriously…

What have I been doing? I don't know.

Why am I working so hard? I don't know.

…no I do. 

I always knew the answer, but like everything, I ran from it.

I've been running for so long. So, very very long.

I have been doing my best. I have been doing everything I could. I have been working hard, and yet, yet…

Here I am. 

Moving forward, always moving. Constantly improving, taking on the next task, again, and again. Always moving, but this…

"Sigh…" an exasperated sigh escapes my lips.

What am I afraid of?.

I've been making the same mistakes of the past.

Once upon a time, I knew how high my stamina was. I knew for how long I could perform. I pushed, and pushed until my feet were cold, and my chest was warm. Pushing my body to levels it couldn't handle. I was… running away. 

Running away from my present, stuck in the past. Distracting myself with pain.

The less I feel, the less I'm reminded of my own flab, the less I see, the more I don't have to see. The less… me… the better. 

I… have never known where I was running too. 

Old habits die hard, I suppose.

My life was a lot of things back then, but at the end of the day, it was mine. It was wasted, but it was mine to waste.  It was unpredictable. It was real. 

This, what is this? Is this even my own?

Madness, mad, lunacy, anger, rage, distraught, confusion… feelings forgotten, but not lost, lay at the back of my throat, scratching their way to the surface, wanting to get out, and just… just let loose. 

I could scream.

I did scream. Once. I was 6 months old then, it was futile though, my feelings were ignored and  I was treated as the six month old I was. My parents and Lilia just thought I was being a child. I suppose I was.

It seems those feelings never truly went away, just ignored.

I'm stuck in fiction, or maybe I am fiction. God if I know. Oh that's right, God wants me dead, and he's also fiction. It's all so maddening.

Yeah, that's right, mad. I've been mad for years now, and only now realized it. No, I've been going mad.

How could I not, my existence, my life, my death… everything about me is questionable.

What, was I supposed to just sit back and quietly accept this. This world is beautiful, but the feeling that it couldn't be real is always in the back of my head. And if the world isn't real, then maybe I'm not real. Hell, who's to say I even existed. 

Perhaps these memories are false. 

Should I pull a Deadpool and break the fourth wall?

Don't fuck with me! I won't break the fourth, I'll break the 5th, do you feel a presence behind you reader/viewer, look out! My life is my own!

Perhaps my life is just ink on a page, but I feel alive, I am alive… right?

It really is maddening.

"Sigh," Still though, at least I found out about this now. Now I can address it, and move on from this. I need to…

Well, I'll figure it out. Crazy reality or not I'm fine, fine, just a bit burned out, right? Right!

If nothing else the exhaustion my body and soul are going through are proof that I am here. If I'm not careful. I really could go mad.

But I'm better now… definitely better… right, yeah.

Oh really then why are you talking to yourself?

"What?" 

What?

"Gasp," I sat up with a start, my heartbeat erratic. "Ok, enough of that…"

This isn't good. Me and silence don't get along, or rather we get along too well. If left alone with my own demons, I'll start going mad… madder? I need a breather. 

All this self thought, is just making me think things I don't want to think about.

Breathe. Calming myself down I breathe in… and out… slowly, getting some much needed blood to my head, and calming my heart.

That's right, the only thing I can be sure of is the sound of my own heartbeat. That is why I pushed myself so. It's not because, because…

You already know the answer. I am-

"Afraid," I say out loud. I need to say it aloud. 

"All this talking in my own head will drive me mad. I am… afraid," at the end of the day that is what it all comes down to. Afraid of death, afraid of my future, afraid of this existence.

Truth be told, I don't think the concept of being fictional is that scary, it's the prospect of not having control over your own life that I find terrifying. A terrifying prospect when this is my second life at that. 

A new life, a new fantasy. But my heart is still weak.

It's almost funny how I've been in a state of fear for so long, and didn't notice. The sound of my own heartbeat wasn't just excitement it seems.

Truly maddening.

Maybe this is why I embraced this fantasy so easily. If it's a dream it is quite a pleasant one. If it's reality, then…

"I gotta start talking outloud more otherwise the madness within me will eat me up. I… I just don't know what to do," I whispered. "Someone, anyone… please save me," A tear escapes my closed eyes. My own quiet whimpering goes in this room, of course no one-

Knock. Knock. 

Someone is at the door. 

"Rudy, I'm coming in…" a low voice is heard from behind the door, such that I'm able to make out who it is.

"Eh? Ah, wait a-" the door opens mist my jamering, giving me little time to compose myself, and son in a rush I quickly turn myself to the side, showing them my back, and looking away from them, hiding my weakness. 

It was a reflex. Old habits die hard I suppose. I wipe my tears before turning behind me, and seeing who came in.

In came the Loli… Roxy I mean.

"I see you're awake. I brought you some soup," Roxy comes in holding a tray with a bowl and a cup of water on it.

"Mmm. Thanks," I take a sip, then another, and slurp it all up soon after, "it's delicious."

"I'm sure Lilia will be happy to hear that. Your mom also made one as well, but it was…" she makes an uneasy face, looking off to the side, as she scratches her cheek, "too nutritional, for immediate use. Look forward to it," she said.

"I see."

"Ahem," she coughed into her hand. "Rudy… are you alright?" 

…well isn't that the million dollar question...

"I… I am…" the urge to reflexively deny is still there. I want to say I am fine, but I can't lie right now.

"I heard you crying," she confesses. It seems lying was impossible anyway. "The walls are thin, it's very easy for sound to travel between them… especially at night," she twirls a hair strand while blushing a little.

"Haha, that's true…" I pause for a moment, before recollecting myself. "No, I'm not… I am… scared."

"I-

Stop thinking and start talking.

"Rudy," she reaches out to me and places her hand on top of my own. It's small… but warm.

I've lived in my own head long enough.

"I had a close death experience once you know," I start telling my tale. 

As much as I would like to unleash my heart out to her, or anyone really, and tell her EVERYTHING. I'll save that kind of talk for when I'm ready. For now, all I can do is show her but a peak of what I'm feeling, and later… maybe, for now… I'll simply open my lips.

I go into the core of things without going into existentialism.

"Please don't tell my parents." I made sure to add that little tid-bit, afraid that my little incident would blow up into something big. 

I don't need that kind of drama. I just need some sleep.

"They don't know anything about it." I continued. "I-it's nothing they did or anything like that, I-I was just stupid. I-I made a stupid decision, and paidd for it," all true, just about my old life. "I was weak and I… di-almost died. I hated that feeling. I hated being so… so! I… I never want to experience it ever again. I don't want to die. Don't want to be weak, I don't want to… don't… don't… I don't like this feeling. This emptiness. It scares me."

Roxy listens to me quietly. Her hands resting on her lap, stock still, and waiting.

"I'm afraid sensei. I can't stand it, standing still. I won't. I need to move. I need to get stronger. I need… more. More magic, techniques… something grander, better. I need to be better! Be the strongest in the world-"

"Distractions," she said in her sweet voice. "Rudy you…" she looked at me with a pained look I couldn't quite understand, before reaching out and squeezing my hand.

"Am I truly your master?" she asked.

"Ro-, yes you are my teacher Roxy." 

"Then listen to me. If there was ever a lesson you needed to learn, let it be this one." She takes a reprieve, closing her eyes, and breathing in and out, before opening them, now resolute, and with spirit behind those sky blue irises. "Slow down."

Before I could answer she continued, "You are confusing moving for living. People aren't like… well you Rudeus. What you are doing. What you are describing. I can't call that living. It's fine to have goals. To have something to aspire to. To move, and grow. But you are… well, you're afraid. I can't call what you're doing living. That's just… scrambling. You are," she pats my head. "You are a little boy running in the dark."

I wince at that statement. I don't quite agree with it, but I can't exactly deny it either. Ow. 

"Rudeus, people need to live life a little slowly. Especially humans who can't live past a century. They need to stop and eat. To rest. To find company in others, and comfort. If you just run around, never bothering to look around you. To look at the people around you. To enjoy the soup made for you, or to listen to the advice given to you, then have you truly been living, or have you just been existing right next to me?" She lets her arm down, and off my head.

"..."

I have no words.

"Rudeus, death can be scary, but life… a life wasted feels scarier to me. People cry, rage, and despair… but they can also laugh, smile, and love. Rudeus, when was the last time you sat down and enjoyed your day," she gives me a melancholic smile.

"That…" has been a while. 

In both life's.

"When was the last time you 'enjoyed' life?"

"…"

"Rudy, if you were to become the strongest person in the world, what then. No- even if you were to become that strongest, how long would it take for you to be that, how old would you be?" 

"..."

"Rudy, what makes you happy?" she asked

"...I like magic…" I whispered weakly.

"Rudy, it's okay to slow down. Enjoy life. Rather, as your sensei, She emphasizes the sensei part. "I'm ordering it! If I am truly your teacher, follow my order." She straightens her form, sitting proudly.

"Sensei… the strict sensei look doesn't match your sweet voice…" I jokingly say. 

She pouts in response.

Flick. She flicks my forehead.

I-I-Itachi?!

Pff.  "Haha, yeah you're right. How can I deny my cute teacher's advice? Thank you sensei."

She turns her head away at my laughter, tilting her hat a bit covering her face. "Good," she said under her collar. 

That's cute teach. 

…I'll try to tease her less… at least for tomorrow.

"Thanks," I muttered.

"...your welcome…" she mumbled back.

After a moment, we both recover ourselves, and get back to our senses. Roxy sensei tells me magical classes are canceled until I recover. Until then, we will be doing night time classes reviewing other material that doesn't involve magic, like geography, and mathematics.

What a slave driver.

Roxy exited after explaining to me my condition was similar to mana fatigue, but slightly odd, it's not her area of expertise, but she has the idea that multiple uses of healing spells while pushing mana fatigue, has been pushing my body's ability to absorb mana.

Apparently Zenith attempted to use a healing spell while I was unconscious, but all it did was heal my physical body, and little else.

"I was really doing something dangerous wasn't I," I contemplated in the quiet of my own room.

"Yes you were Rudeus."

…or so I thought.

"Bwah-" a startled sound escapes my mouth. "L-Lilia, when did you come in?" I asked.

"I came a short moment after Roxy left for bed." She courteously, her calm demeanor betraying nothing. "You seemed to be lost in thought."

True, but still! Are you a ninja? Then again, I really am out of it…

"...you have a very wise teacher."

"Yeah, I do. Lilia, ah… thanks, for the soup."

"It is my duty master Rudeus, but you're welcome."

She walked to the corner of my bed, and started picking up the dishes, and moving them to the side. She then took a wet rag from a bucket that was placed by the floor, and replaced the one I threw off my bed.

"It seems master Rudeus is feeling better, but both Roxy and your mother have agreed to no more lessons for the time being, and I agree with them."

"Yeah," I said demurely. 

Can't really argue against them on this one. I've been, well… out of my mind. Ha ha…

"How much did you hear?"

"Enough."

"I suppose you can't keep it a secret could you?"

"I am in service of Lady Zenith and Paul, but," she looked away from me. "I am also Rudeus's maid."

"Thank you, you're too good to me."

"I think it's mutual," she comes to my bed and sits leaning her back to the wall and letting one of her legs stretch, while the other hangs to the side. She pulled her dress a bit, and revealed her leg to me.

"Master Rudeus's effort has not been in vain. One step at a time, but a step is a step, Rudy is making fine progress. I still do agree with your mother and teacher, but I won't deny that all of it was wasted. You've done well, but now," she bends low to look me in the eye. "Please slow down, you'll worry others. Including me," she added.

"Lilia, I-"

"Rudy, you're… very important to this family, to me, it hurts us to see you in pain. Please don't push yourself that hard again," she interrupted. Seems to be the trend of the day.

She leaned in close to me and-

Oh, is this the famous love confession scene, where she devotes all her love, kya~ my heart isn't ready.

She hugs me tightly against her chest. 

"I'll miss you if you were gone," she whispers to my ear. "Please don't leave us."

"Ok…" I say as I look up from between her chest, and into her eyes. 

They really are, a beautiful violet. How did I not notice? There's no way this could be a fantasy. I could never dream up something so beautiful.

"Thank you," she whispers. She then parts my hair and kisses me on the forehead.

…

Ah. My heart just skipped a beat. 

…

Oh? Oh! Oh…

"Well, that is all. Master Rudeus needs his rest," she gently pushes me down, back into bed, and places a fresh towel back on my forehead. "Goodnight. Also, congratulations on turning four," she stands up, picking up the remains of the soup and tray, before exiting the room with a gentle smile.

"…"

"My heart is still beating…" Once Lilia's footsteps had quietly faded, I uttered those words.

Oh, oh crap, my heart is beating faster… but it's not unpleasant. I…

"I think I just fell for her. Well… Shit…"

Where one trouble ends, another begins.