3 CHAPTER 3

I found mother using panadol. I questioned her with my eyes. Then she smiled and said:

"Is it the constant beatings, I do not know but I can't stand pain so I use these and believe me it works with my tea and sleep."

It then occurred to me that I won't be able to bear the pain of losing her. Is she in grater pain that I don't know of? He should be the one in pain. God instructs us to forgive others so we can be forgiven so I've done just that. I felt Mother should take us to a new place so we could start over. Others are remorseful at their mistakes but this man clearly is not and I couldn't care. Sometimes I felt like there was no one to save us. I just had to believe and stand firm in God. He interrupted our prayers by calling Grace or I to do one irrelevant thing. I couldn't wait to grow older and take care of Mom and Grace. He was jealous of her income and wanted to be in charge of the spending expenses. He made me write expenses on Mom's money…

1. House expenses; chair, fridge, foodstuffs, school fees, clothes=100,000

2. Car repair= 247,000

3. Grace's allowance=20,000

4. Isaac's allowance=20,000

5. Mother's allowance=10,000

6. Father's allowance=50,000

He already had expenses on another person's money without asking her what she needed or wanted to use her money for. Mom was smart enough to later on be wise and discreet about her money. He kept on saying his expense would favour us all and he felt bad when mom started being discreet about when and how she was being paid. He said with that his commanding, scary tone:

"We will see which person's will shall stand whether yours or mine."

He came home one day to find out that there was no food. He brought food and when we didn't join him, he was so angry that he said;

"I brought food so we could all eat together and you're all saying you're not eating. You've all eaten if not you won't say that. You and your mother are doing your own, when I'll start mine you'll know."

He then ate the food and still woke up the next day to eat the remaining. How did he expect us to eat what he brought knowing the kind of person he is? I once asked mom how she could stand living with him despite everything? How did they even get married? Was she forced? Her reply:

"He was good. If he wasn't good I wouldn't have married him. I guess it's because I'm earning more than him that why he's behaving like this. He needs prayers."

Prayers? For sure God can change a person, I'm not judging but I can see it in his face, his eyes, his voice that he cannot change. Believe me I can sense it, he's an animal of violence, intimidation and fear is inside him. Daily I pray that he'll die and that the three of us can finally run away. I'm not supposed to say this but he scares me. His voice gives me the creeps, I cannot even sleep or be in the house with him and be comfortable. At times I wonder why God gave me a father like this. A sophisticated, caring and loving mother like Mrs Survive did not deserve such a man like him. Every marriage has its difficulties and challenges and as husband and wife they're supposed to work together to solve it. Mr Survive is not someone you can correct or tell that he's in the wrong. I did that one precious day out of sympathy but the foolish man threatened me by telling me to go back inside or else he would slap me. The bible says;

"Whoever knows what is right and fails to tell someone for that person for that person it's a sin."

Today is Sunday, mom is praying thereafter she and Grace arrange the chairs in the church. As they do this, I look on. I'm supposed to help but I needed to pray and communicate with God. I kneel in front of the altar, close my eyes whilst saying these words to God;

"Thank you lord for this day. I'm special enough for you to give me a mother like Mrs Survive and a beautiful and talented sister like Grace. Help me lord, protect mom and Grace, I do not care for myself but protect them. Mrs Survive has shown me more love than I deserve, Grace has shown me things I never knew. Her eyes speaks hope and joy, mom's eyes speak peace. They can't get all this if they keep on seeing that man or if he continues living in the house with us. It's so bad that I feeling so energized, determined and frantic to kill him. I haven't done it before I'm in your presence I'm telling you if he does it again, bless my soul, I will kill him. I wonder how victim felt after being assaulted. How did Grace feel or think? I may not be able to kill him Lord but the feeling comes when I see him hurting them. in school I pray I don't come home to mother's corpse or Grace's corpse because then I would have no restraints or something to hold me back. It pains me when I think of it and I cannot even cry so they won't see me and ask why. Help me Lord protect Mom and Grace."

It's amazing how your heart can feel at peace and relief whilst talking to God. I guess it is because he is our creator and knows the intent of our hearts.

They make me of joy whenever I'm around them. The questions I ask myself about Mum, Grace or Mr Survive I wonder who'd answer. God could but no one could like actually sit and question God. Sometimes I wonder how God thinks. He calls human beings his 'beautiful creation' makes me wonder how he feels when a fellow creation hits another to the point of bleeding or death. He really doesn't think like we humans, he is God, merciful and gracious,slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Truth be told,I'm supposed to forgive the man but the Lord knows I find it hard because as the days go by this man is the same as he was. He shows no sign of change or remorse. I bet he feels he's always right why? Probably because no one challenges him not Mother nor the neighbours. I find joy and relief in the days he is not in the house. I feel on top of the world, like I could do anything(not that its anything stupid) but with him suffocated, hindered and I wonder just how an individual can make someone else feel like this. I'm sure that he doesn't have a heart, does he even bleed? It's like he doesn't even think of the future, what would we think when we're great? I'm scared as to what extent this man's actions has affected me deeply. I look at myself and think that the only love I'll ever receive is from mom & Grace. People would say 'what you behold is what you become' that sentence scares me a lot. I'm scared I'll become like him knowingly or unknowingly which scares me. I cannot imagine hurting my child but the thought of being like him scares the hell out of me. There are times I'd cry in the bathroom without letting mom or Grace know. They've had their own share of hurt and u couldn't possibly let them worry about me. The constant beatings Mr Survive gave Grace some cuts in her body. A cut, I heard Grace say won't let decide her life. She was determined to live a normal life, she dreamt big dreams which made me wish I could make everything she desired come true. Mr Survive made me scared of kids, the thought of even having a child scares me becomes I don't know what I'll become to the child or what the child would remember me for. After the incident, I had injured a child, I didn't mean it, as I played with her together with Grace they looked so happy. As I chased after them, the child hit her mouth on a piece of metal. She bleed profusely that I couldn't go near her. I was seeing myself in Mr survive. My first thought was to hide and I hid in the wine room. I checked her later to see she was doing okay. I felt relieved and as I was about to leave, Grace held my hands as she said to me;

"I'm fine okay. Just a small scratch and nothing that won't heal in a couple of days. Are we still friends or are you going to ignore me because of this?"

"No. We're still friends. I'm sorry... get better soon."

There her eyes said it all. She was tired but she managed to relieve me of the pain and guilt I felt. This was my friend,Flora whom I thought was a child. She has a small figure and she doesn't look her age. It's unbelievable that she's older than me. I figured that Flora would be a reporter because she was always inquisitive and prepared interviews for her ghost celebs. After school, Flora had something to show me and I had time because Grace was still having her lessons. Now in the library, she brought out her phone and showed me the video.

Just when you think no one is on your side. She had a video which I hadn't seen before of Mr survive beating Mom. I couldn't breathe, I had to rush out. I ran as far as I could with Flora behind me. She caught up with me eventually and tried looking at me but I was unfocused. Then I went on my knees and started crying. Few moments later, we were at the park sitting side by side then I remembered I hadn't picked up Grace. As we stood to go pick Grace, we saw her. I rushed to check her all around:

"What are you doing here? Are you hurt? How did you know to come here?"

I kept shaking and checking her to see if she was alright but Grace had her hands on my face. Then I stopped shaking and checking her. I just looked at her eyes when she said:

"I followed you when you were running. I'm fine Isaac. But why did you cry?"

I looked down and went back to sit on the chair. I looked at both Grace and Flora and said to them; "Let's all sit for a few moment. I'll need to gather my strength after all that crying. Just until it's 3pm."

I put on my earphones while Grace and Flora sat by my side. I guess with the three of us sitting side by side, our minds pondered about life, its challenges and we a individuals. As I drifted into the music, I wondered how Grace or I are supposed to live a normal life with Mr survive ' constant beatings and abuse. It's like I'm being pricked by a thorn anytime Mr survive hits mom or Grace. On seeing the video, I felt suffocated, Why can't I be the one? Why do they have to be hit? Mom doesn't even say anything, nothing at all. I'm confused as to what I'll tell Flora to do about the video. I removed my earphones after which we all walked home. The next day, I dropped Grace at school and ditched school. I listened to music as I walked and walked until I got to a place that had the view of the ocean. I couldn't get lost but I couldn't stay in the class at least not today after seeing that video yesterday. I moved on to the city, I looked around, brought and age some snacks, danced and ate at the city's festivals. If only everyday was like this, being free as the wind. I hadn't realised time had passed after my 'being free as the wind' protocol of the day...

Grace checked the library but didn't see her brother. She was about to leave when she saw Flora. They exchanged greetings and thereafter Flora told Grace that Isaac never attended classes today. Grace tried calling him but it was not reachable. They both checked the school's park and playground but he wasn't there. Grace later resolved to calling her Mother. A person couldn't be claimed missing until 24hrs so they all hoped he would just come home. Flora stayed at their home for a while before she left and promised to keep calling to know if he's back. Grace could see her mom was worried and feared that Isaac had gone or was kidnapped. It was easy to think he was kidnapped but getting missing...it's a whole different matter...

I knew the way home like the back of my palm. As I took the last bus home, I looked at the houses, shops and at people who were doing one thing or the other. With my earphones on I didn't even know we had reached. I alighted and was walking home when I remembered Grace. I quickly turned on my phone and called Flora who explained everything to me and especially that Mom and Grace were worried sick. After talking with Flora, I couldn't call either Grace or Mom. I must have lost track of time as I was having fun in the city without thinking about how Grace or mom would feel or must have felt at my disappearance. Flora had called mom that I was in my way home so they were at least relieved. As I climbed the stairs to my house I wondered at the human heart,mind,at how fragile they all were. It felt good to have those who had your best interests at heart, who worried about your well being and safety. As soon as I got home, Mom and Grace tightly hugged me. Mom understood (I guess) she ordered me to change and get ready for dinner.During dinner, mom prepared my favourite; Fried rice with Fried turkey and salad. I was so happy. As we ate, Mom kept giving me more turkey likewise Grace probably because they thought I was gone and would probably never come back or is it because they were happy to see me? Then I looked at Grace who looked like she was about to cry, who looked at me and said:

"Isaac it's okay if you want to look around and have fun but you should at least let us know. I thought I had lost you, that you had run away leaving me alone. I thought that you ran away because of me, maybe you couldn't stand me or probably seeing me reminds you of that incident, because I'm aware of how that incident haunts you."

"Grace I would never leave you. If I was to indeed run away, I would run away with you and mom. It was stupid of me to leave without any prior notice. I won't do that again and if I'm going anywhere I'll leave you with a message. Grace, Mom and I live you more than you could ever imagine. Grace seeing you everyday is a miracle, relief and blessing for me. I'm lucky enough to have you as my sister. I'm sorry for today and I love you."

Mom just smiled at our words after which I went to scoop more rice into my plate. After dinner, whilst mom was checking if we had enough groceries for the week, Grace was watching TV when he came in with that offensive,irritating smell. After eating his food, he left the house and we all went to bed.