1 Insomnia

*Mackenzie pov

02:25

I'm in bed, listening to a BTS chill playlist.... (my daughter has me hooked on them! PURPLE FINGER HEARTS TO ALL!💜😉🥰)

I am barely managing to suppress the desire to use my plump pillow to end the snores of my husband in a very permanent way..... and TRYING to fall asleep!

Sleeping pills, huge quantities of alcohol, anti depressants and marijuana every night are still not helping with that desire! They do however help make my life a little more tolerable.

03:50

Still awake! I hate insomnia. It is a neurological leech... my ability to complete simple cognitive tasks drastically impaired, sucking all the physical energy from me.

I'm convinced that most of the 'drunk' people you see in public, stumbling, mumbling and often chatting to themselves are infact just insomniacs. My brothers and sisters in suffering!

I am getting weaker by the day. Less able to function. I have lost my drive, I am almost broken. Almost used up and ready for pasture. Nothing like the "real" me I used to be.

I can't really blame that all on sleep deprivation though, although a huge cause of that sleeplessness and loss of myself CAN be attributed to the snoring man beside me. My husband Shaun. He is also the reason for my abuse of substances!

05:35

I decide that as I'm awake anyway I may as well get up and go for my regular morning walk, some air might help me clear my head, the exercise will hopefully be enough to tire my body into a state of relaxation conducive to sleep. That's the theory anyway, still waiting for it to work in practice! I've just gotten over a terrible vomitting bug that has meant I have missed my walk for the last week, so I'm especially keen to get out today. I quickly grab some underwear, a red vest, a black hoodie and track bottoms, and quietly leave my room, not wanting to wake Shaun.

I check on my kids, both sleeping soundly. Both in their late teens now, but always my babies. I smile at their sleeping faces, and for some reason snap a quick photo of them both. So perfect! The only good things in my life. Stopping in the bathroom to wash my 'pits and bits' and brush my teeth, before making my way downstairs to the kitchen to dress. After doing my best to tame my naturally curly baby blonde hair and tying it up into a messy bun at the nape of my neck I leave the house, putting in my earbuds and logging into my Spotify "favourites" playlist. I lock up and put my keys and phone into the pocket of my hoodie and zip it closed.

I don't need a torch today as it's just beginning to get light, the first rays of the sun becoming visible over the horizon, lighting up the sky in a glorious myriad of vivid colour... red, orange, yellow and purple, blend beautifully with the indigo of the receding night sky.

I stand and admire the view for a minute or two, soaking up the peace of the early hour, which is only broken by the morning song of the birds in the trees. It does not matter how often I see this miraculous beauty, and hear the avian dawn chorus I am always awed by it. Nature is stunning!

I'd still like to sleep once in a while though! I could stand to miss a few sunrises in exchange for the bliss of tranquil slumber. Oh, if only!

I turn out of my gate and begin down the mile long single track from my house to the main road. I have lived in my 500 year old Hall, set in the middle of miles of farmland, for just over 18 months now. I can honestly say, despite all the personal crap in my life, I have never been happier.

I have no neighbours, it's peaceful..... private...idyllic..... I love it. The city never felt like home. I do not miss it!

Halfway down the track I pass the lake on my left, stopping briefly to again admire the view, watching the ripples on the water and listening to the ducks gentle quacks as they begin calling good morning to one another.

I smile and promise to bring them some grapes and birdseed later, then turn to continue walking. I notice a dark coloured transit van slowly approaching me and after a shiver of apprehension as to who it is and why they're here I roll my eyes at my own stupidity and chuckle to myself..... fishermen! We often have strange vehicles parked along the lane as their drivers spend some quality time relaxing with their rods in the hope of landing a big carp!

I reach the end of the lane and feel a chill run up my spine. Sensing someone's presence I turn to find the dark coloured transit van right behind me! Must have decided against fishing here today. I hold up my hand in an apologetic gesture and move to the edge of the track to allow the van to pass me..... it doesn't.

I smile and beckon the van to pass me, even though I can't see the driver clearly because the rising sun is shining directly onto the windscreen and obscuring my view.

The van still does not move to pass me. I wonder if the driver is worried they may hit me if they try to pass me in this narrow lane, so decide to continue to walk toward the main road where it is wide enough for the van to safely manoeuvre around me. As I begin walking the van also begins to move. Bless them!

Seems that they are worried that they might hurt me, so are patiently waiting until I reach a safer spot to pass before continuing on their way.

How sweet!

As the track opens up onto the main road I again move to one side of the track and whilst continuing to walk I raise my arm in a backward wave, a "Thankyou for your patience/have a nice day" gesture, and expect to see the van pass me. It still doesn't!

I'm getting a little spooked now, but decide that I'm being irrational and overly dramatic....anxiety will do that to a person. Takes away all confidence and self esteem and replaces them with paranoia and fear!

I mentally shake myself and turn to continue walking, there is plenty of room for the van to pass me now, so it's all good... they'll go around me when they're ready. Why would anyone follow me anyway? I'm nothing. I'm no-one! A Stupid old woman with nothing to offer. Well.... according to Shaun that is.

The streets are so quiet, the pre work-day traffic not expected for at least another 90 minutes. At the next junction I turn left over a little bridge towards town. Singing along to my current favourite song, "Silverspoon" by BTS, my eyes squinting into the rising sun (I wish I'd have put my baseball cap on!) Im surprised to almost collide with a huge man in a black suit, standing at the back of an open van, just like the one that has been behind me since I left home. What a weird morning. I apologise and move to my right go around him, as he steps to his left and we collide. I laugh with embarrassment at my lack of grace and his straight face, and go to move another step to my right but his arms swiftly reach out and wrap tightly around me, pinning my arms between our chests. I now feel panic, I try to kick him but I'm held too closely to his body. I shake my head, causing one of my earbuds to fall to the ground. I hear the sound of an engine approaching from behind me, and the squeal of brakes as the vehicle hastily pulls up right behind me. Thankfully someone is coming, they've see me struggling and have stopped to help me. I turn to look at my rescuer, my eyes widening at the sight.... another giant of a man is getting out of the drivers side of the van that has refused to pass me numerous times so far this morning. I was right to be suspicious, it WAS following me! But why?

I'm just about to scream when a huge calloused hand covers my mouth, thumb and forefinger squeezing my nose closed. I'm going to die!!! I know it. I can't breathe. Tears prick my eyes as I reach a level of panic I have never felt in my whole life! I feel myself becoming lightheaded, the images around me becoming less focused and blurry, I feel a sharp sting in my neck....then darkness takes me.