Feng Yuexi's Regret

Staggering, Feng Yuexi barged into the hospital's morgue.

Not minding the numbing cold, with her bare feet, Feng Yuexi raced to the place she loathed the most. Never in her forty years of existence did she expect that she would be coming in this place for her beloved son.

Her knees wobbled and her shaky breath came to a halt when she saw the only body covered in a white blanket. Blood smeared at the other end of the blanket where a head was being covered.

In a blink of an eye, Feng Yuexi hovered over the table where the corpse was laid. With trembling hands, Feng Yuexi mastered the courage to confirm her doubts.

After all, she just called her son a few hours ago. He told her he was fine! Her darling child assured her, even joked at her, as he whined at her to prepare the apple pie he always loved to eat in secret – their little connection in that desolate house of glory and splendor.

The moment she lifted the blanket, the disfigured face of her son welcomed Feng Yuexi.

A cry escaped from her raspy throat as she hugged him, her son, Murong An.

"My baby boy…" Feng Yuexi choked. With stifled sobs, she showered his bloody and cold face with kisses, just as she always did when he was still a young boy.

"Mommy failed you… I thought he would protect you. I'm sorry for leaving you alone… when you needed me the most. I-I am so sorry for choosing him over you, my son."

Silence.

Cold silence answered Feng Yuexi's sobs.

Feng Yuexi did not know how many minutes or hours she stayed hugging her son's bloodied corpse. She did not even realize the nurses had already guided her away from her son as they took him away from her.

Curled in the corner of the cafeteria, Feng Yuexi sat in daze in front of her father – Xiaobao's grandfather.

The coffee on the table had long been cold yet not a word was exchanged from the two.

Feng Yuexi remained passive. Her gaze empty, lips cracked, and her eyes swelled. From time to time, tears would fall from her unblinking eyes.

No matter how noisy the canteen was – the chatter of the medical staff as they took a break, the clanking of utensils as the people ate, and the noise from the television that displayed the latest weather report – none of these mattered for Feng Yuexi as she stared into the void.

Perhaps, this would be her life from now on.

Regrets were drowning her and she was letting it get her. She was blaming herself for being selfish, for being of love, and for believing the vile whispers of the so-called cupid.

The banging of the table spilled the coffee to Feng Yuexi. This action of her father pulled her from her trance.

A pair of dull hazel eyes regarded a sharp identical ones.

"What's wrong now, Dad?"

"What's wrong? Your son is dead! You failed to get Murong Ning for the past twenty years even when your son was still around! How will you compete against the other females when you… you are worse than his janitress?"

Something snapped within Feng Yuexi.

The corners of her lips curled up in a mocking grin, rendering the gray-haired old man speechless.

"I regret having you as my father. Believing you foolishly that you would see my son beyond his inheritance," said Feng Yuexi, "but like always, you did fail the 'family' part. A word of advice, 'Father', you better stick to the real estate business. After all, you sold your daughter for the business."

For the first time in her forty years of existence, Feng Yuexi walked away from her father.

Feng Yuexi, who was lost in her own train of thoughts, found herself at the rooftop of the hospital. What pulled her from her reverie was not the heat from the sun above the city of San Jose nor the harsh wind that swayed her knee-length beige dress, no, it was the familiar deep voice of the man she had longed for twenty-five years of her existence.

Her husband, Xiaobao's father, the renowned king of hell across the states in the business community… Murong Ning.

"Scott needs to be sent home, let's go and don't waste my time. I still have meeting at three."

With her back against him, Feng Yuexi stood at the edge of the rooftop.

"You always have meetings. Xiaobao surely will not mind if you are not there anymore. We are kinda use to it, Murong Ning."

"Look… I know this is hard for you, for us. But the living has to move on. Scott will not like it if he sees you right now."

The usual impatience could be detected from his deep voice.

Feng Yuexi whipped her attention to Murong Ning as she turned around sharply. "Xiaobao will not see us because he's dead, Murong Ning! Don't use my son!"

"He is my son too!"

"If he you treated him well, trusted him like you do to your subordinates, he would have not left the house! He would have been still alive and kicking right now… n-not cold and bashed up in the head!" Feng Yuexi's voice was firm amid her sobs. "Where were you when he needed your assurance the most? Xiaobao worked for the project for months just to earn a single word of approval from you! He was alone all of his life…"

"And whose fault is that?" Murong Ning snapped as he cut her off.

He was three meters away from Feng Yuexi already.

"Ever since Xiaobao was born, you tossed him away! For what? Because you are too insecure of yourself! You are so obsessed with me that it's suffocating!"

Silence.

A self-depreciating smile was painted on her Feng Yuexi's face. Tears welled up in her eyes as she stared at the man she devotedly loved for the past twenty-five years – the man who fathered her child but still remained cold and ruthless to her.

"You're right."

Feng Yuexi's words of admittance startled Murong Ning.

"I have loved you for twenty-five years, believe it or not. I consented with my father's manipulation just to take the chance to be with you. I birthed Xiaobao in hopes that he would bring us together. I tossed my son away when I realized you even distanced yourself even more." She continued, this time, Feng Yuexi let her tears and sobs be free. Her chest was too tight and heavy to swallow it all in. It was too painful.

"My love for you became the chain that suffocates you. My love for you turned Xiaobao into a cold corpse… when he should have the whole world as his future. I took your freedom, Murong Ning." Feng Yuexi choked as she pounded her chest with her fist repeatedly. "I took my son's future… all because I have loved you."

"I'm sorry for loving you." She took a step back.

"What are you doing?"

For the first time, Feng Yuexi saw the panic in his deep green eyes. Funny, how she stayed twenty years with Murong Ning yet this was the first time she had seen him with this expression.

Shaking her head, she whispered the words that only he could hear. "If there is a second life, I will not love you anymore."

Hugging herself, Feng Yuexi felt the harsh wind against her back as her bare feet felt the edge of the rooftop's cemented railings.

A bittersweet smile bloomed on her face. "Xiaobao did not grow up with me around; at least in the journey to the afterlife, I could be there for him. So… I am setting you free… my love."

With these parting words, Feng Yuexi leaned back and accepted her defeat.

She was determined to die as a mother.

'Xiaobao, Mom failed you before. This time, Mom will be with you as you journey to your second life. If I have only one wish, I hope that in your second life, your Mother will choose you over and over again… something I failed to do.'

These words were Feng Yuexi's parting thought to the world of the living.