Chapter 4: Exes and Ohs

There are a few things I hold close. like that dream I had that started when I was at a BTS concert and ended with me topless on a bar. Or that one time when I walked too slowly and was just seconds away from being roadkill. Kevin Kapendo was not one of those things. He was a mistake that should have never happened. A moment of weakness that was dead to me. Turns out there are people who look past the 'I will gut you if you approach me' look I put into the world.

I don't do exes. That is an old and tired story that has been tried and tested and has been proven to be a fools errand. I don't like wasting my time reminiscing about my less than stellar past. I may be headed to hell but at least I have standards or at the very least I pretend to. So how I ended up here is beyond me. Whatever stupidity that could have possessed me to end up at Kevin's place, remained unfathomable to me. Any one of my other exes would have been fine, but I had to have ended up at the only asshole I couldn't completely erase from my mind. Even now naked in his apartment violently regretting an encounter I could not remember I had the softest of urges to go back in his arms.

I tiptoed out of the room hell bent on putting as much distance as I could between us. There was no way I would listen to that whimpering fool. Anything that wanted to show this ridiculous excuse for a man any sympathy was equally dead to me especially if it was a pigment of my imagination. I was in the process of pulling up my dress when he barged out of his room eyes wild and buck naked.

Okay, truth be told I have not been the best judge of characters, mostly because I ignore most people and  don't care enough about them to form an opinion. My eyes, however, have been known to be swayed by beauty beholden. At six foot three he had the body of a linebacker and the face of a fuck boy. Dark skin stretched deliciously over sinewy muscles that rippled enticingly as he stomped over to me. In that moment nothing mattered more than the richly golden brown eyes that should have impossible and yet he carried them so well.

I tried to gather my thoughts but his 'foot slipped', 'forcing' him to hold onto me. Despite wanting nothing more than to be rid of him forever, I could not help but admire his physique. Damn! I had forgotten how good he looked naked.

I was intrigued, the first time I laid eyes on him. It wasn't the fact that he looked like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. He had worn such a crestfallen look on his handsome face I couldn't help but wonder about him. My intrigue had me watching him from afar and that was when I saw him tamper with his harness. The poor man took his place with us, his broad shoulders drooping from the carrying the world on his shoulder. He was the first to jump and I went after him not giving it much thought. Against all odds I saved him that day. Sometimes I wished I didn't most times I wish I had joined him.

Maybe I should have convinced him to go to therapy. However, the idea of fixing a human, who was potentially more messed up than me, was far too exciting an opportunity for me to pass it up.

It wasnt even about the physical fights we had somehow found ourselves in. It was looking at someone and feeling your heart race because of how much you loved them and yet seeing red from all the anger that we had held on to for too long. The problems that had accumulated because we fucked instead of discussing the underlying issues. We had chosen to make love and not war ignoring our failing relationship and stunted emotions until it exploded in our faces.

After a long pause, in which he calmed himself, he made his way towards me unashamed of his nakedness.  With each step he took, my reasons for running away lost thier value, because honestly who would want to leave the vision that was gracing my presence.

"Were you running away again?" he asked his voice husky from sleep, sending shivers down to my core as my body warmed up with want.

"Running away implies that I did something wrong. I wasnt running away I was merely avoiding an awkward encounter and yet here we are." I retorted refusing to show just how much my clitoris was throbbing both in remembrance and with lust. A lot could be said about him, but his ability to fuck me to sleep was trully awe inspiring and the aftershocks that lasted throughout the day made sure I remembered every second of it.

He closed the distance that I had out between us again only stopping when his toes touched mine and I could feel his breath fanning my face. Then he leaned closer his intentions as clear as his throbbing cock that twitched against my stomach. I am sucker for tall men, pun intended. I hate all men, but when his lips touched mine and his arms pressed my body against his, all reasoning escaped and I was wound up into a big ball of inescapable lust.

We did not make it far. To be honest we did not even try. The dress that had not even been zipped up yet fell to the floor, a victim of his ravaging hands and was quickly followed by my bra and panty. He swept me off my feet just to lay me gently on the floor as a final act of mercy. His kisses turned more aggressive as his teeth pulled on my skin, his lips painfully sucking every inch of my body while his tounge soothed any pain with long hot licks that had me moaning while writhing under him.

My nails clawed his back seeking purchase as he pulled my legs up until my thighs  rested on his shoulders. He paused taking in all of me with a hunger that matched my own. I would regret this in an hour or so but until then... I tightened my grip on his back just as he slid in deliciously stretching me out.

I walked out two hours later having showered and changed into his oversized shirt that I borrowed but had no intention of ever returning.  I took an uber home arriving just in time to meet the devil. I guess it was that time of the year when, all your exes long forgotten and those  remembered, all show up one after another. I hadn't expected to encounter Monica again either.

She looked good, of course she did. At five foot eight she had the ability to command attention unlike anyone I had ever met before. The white mini dress that hugged everyone of her curves and were obstructed only by her long brown dreadlocks did not help matters either. She moved forward not giving me time to react and engulfed me in her arms. A wave of the designer perfume she wore made it's way into my nostrils and I found myself burying my face in her neck. I loved that scent on her and she knew it.

"I missed you" she whispered flattening her self further against me. I pulled her close unable to turn her away. I never could resist her, maybe that was why she left me. I pulled her even closer, a moan escaping my lips when she slipped her fingers underneath Kevin's shirt and dragged her hands across my back. Today was going to be a long day for me.

I am not one to take things that dont belong to me. I have always tried to treat others, especially strangers, with a pinch of humanity. Something, most people, ignore in its entirety. I am not proud of how we met and yet I would not change it for the world. I want to say I was drunk but alcohol had nothing to do with the was my heart slowed down as I took her in for the first time. I could say it was the rhythm of the music that had gotten a hold of me, but that did not explain the way I had been drawn towards her like a moth to a flame.

When I was young my mother told me i was a selfish brat who blamed others for everything that was wrong in my life. Gentle, I know. If it had been anyone else i would have retorted but it was my mother so I reflected. There was some truth in what she said and her word haunted me, even now. I apologize even when I am not wrong and I easily admit my mistakes. The only wrong that I will never right is taking Monica from her boyfriend. If we consider her autonomy, I wouldn't consider it stealing. That night in that club (whose name I dont remember, but nobody tell Monica) I met the then axis of my universe, now I just spin often times out of control. When I introduced myself she was wary and when I expressed my interest she told me she had a boyfriend. So I used the only weapon at my disposal to woo her.  I charmed her with my wit and humor, yes I do have those. Bought her an expensive bottle of wine and we snuck away together.

We met over the course of the following week and I took advantage of each meeting spoiling her best I could. Like most girls her age Monica was finaly swayed by my generosity. Dont get me wrong i am not calling Monica a golddigger, far from it knowing what you want and doing whatever necessary to get it is an essential skill to have in life. She was twenty two although she looked older, that isn't to say she wasn't the most gorgeous girl in the club. The five year age gap we had was both illuminating and gave me a fair advantage.

Monica up until that moment had only gone out with men. I was her first woman and that, both exhilarated and terrified me. Our the first month of our relationship was strained. She, however warmed up to the idea of being with me. Our chaste kisses grew longer and our hands grew bolder until one glorious afternoon while lost in the woods (how we got there is not important) we made, passionate and animalistic, love. I will never forget that day in the woods. I christened her girl in the woods then shortened it to woods. She thought it was a cool name, I liked the way she smiled at me when I called her that.

Despite my best efforts she left, ghosted me so I had no explanation as to why the woman who had given me so much happiness had decided to leave me. The last time I saw her was when two years, seven months and five days ago.  Yes I kept count. It was the last day my life had felt right. We had scheduled to meet the next day, a meeting that never took place. I had frantically looked for her and even gone to the police when my numerous attempts at reaching her had been laid to waste. She had changed her number and moved away. Given the nature of our relationship we had never introduced each other to our respective friends, this was still Kenya after all. She never called, not even once to tell me she was okay or why she left. Sometimes I wondered if she ever even existed.

After all that time just like she had disappeared she appeared. I had changed houses twice and we had no mutual friends. There was no reasonable explanation as to how she knew where I lived. I began questioning my reality but choose say nothing except pulling her closer. It didn't matter wether she was a ghost or a figment of my imagination. Real or not I could feel her heat in my arms and that was all I needed.

When she had left after going through the worst case scenarios, I came to the conclusion that maybe she wanted nothing to do with me. I may have fallen in love with her from the moment I lay my eyes on her but she had gradually resigned herself the idea of dating me. Those nagging thoughts ploughed throw my mind while I desperately tried to squelch them. It did not matter why she was here, although, it could not be good. What mattered was that she was and until she brought it up I would settle for playing pretend.

My stupid neighbour decided to open her door causing us to jump apart. The bitch had the audacity to smile at me and say hello like all was right with the world. I opened the door and asked Monica to come in. She hesitated for a second durring which I died a thousand deaths before getting in. I closed the door behind me and stood there facing the door too afraid to turn and find her gone and somehow even more terrified that she would still be there. The pain and doubt I had felt following her disappearance engulfed me and just as I was about to break down I heard her cry.