the prince without a fairytale

A question I have is when did you know you didn't believe in love? Or that you fell out of love in a relationship? I stopped believing in love the minute my parents had a messy divorce. I was the scapegoat for my mom's friend. Had one best friend who was like a brother to me. But it didn't end well. His mom had basically brainwashed him into thinking his dad was the bad guy.

My mom was sweet when she wanted to be, but it felt like she was cinderella in her own tale. I hung out with my friend for years and we were basically best friends since we were born. But slowly it depleted and he had changed for the worse. When I tried to stand up for myself when things got hard my mom's friend took over and spun everything around and began to gaslight me.

It was tormenting to my mind, and well I found out that it has taken a toll on me years later. My story from my childhood is 60/40. But honestly leading up to where I am now I can tell you it's been hell and a roller coaster combined.

Preschool- shy and outcasted and bullied by my friend and a few of her friends/minions. I rember a memory vividly, I was playing on the playground set and it was a metal bar staircase, now being a kid it's pretty high up, but I was forced into peer pressure and climbed up it, little did I know I would have a hasty fall. I had a missing tooth and a few scrapes. I had a busted lip from it too. But the fall hurt- especially falling onto woodchips. So I was bound to have a few splinters with it.

Elementary school was no different- I was bullied and outcasted but there was one day where I was in this line thing to the bus and the same day it was horrible, but this kid in front of me kept saying mean names and well fat-shamed me, I was really skinny at the time and it wasnt the average weight for a kid my age. I tried to get a teacher's attention and let her know but she just said, you will live it's just some harmless laughter and we only have a few minutes left of the day. This happened periodically for the entire semester. Same in grade 1. But on the way home from school I rode the bus and it wasnt too far from home.

I usually stuck to myself on the bus cuz I got bullied the same, but that is till this kid got my attention and made conversation- soon turned into a staring contest, but he cheated indefinitely and poked my eye so hard that it gave me a black eye. I got off the bus holding my eye all the way home.

The rest of the days of elementary school into middle school, same thing- tried to do my best but it seemed like nothing was ever enough soon enough I just broke and things became horrible. My mom had a puppet master and she had the strings attached. It was days of gaslighting and making me do all the work. And there was one time when mom made me do my friend's homework because we were in the same class and he had a project to finish.

Once high school hit I moved in with my dad and things were somewhat peaceful, but freshman year was rough, to say the least, lost my best friend from middle school on new years eve, found out mom had cancer over the summer, then mom and I had a fight she started because of her friend. And well I got to see her less and less and soon enough September of 2017 hit. Things took a turn for the worse with mom and soon at the beginning of September she was in the hospital with blood transfusions, then she was in the hospital for a few days in and out, but at the end of the month she was transferred to hospice and she seemed so peaceful, but t was hard to see her like that, it was like she was in a coma.

But a few days later- two weeks to be precise, October came and school went by till I got home and started to watch a few cartoons and grabbed a snack with it. But dad got home and asked me to turn off the tv and asked if we could talk. I immediately knew when his entire mood changed. All I could say was let me guess. He nodded and said, I'm so sorry. For the first time in my life, I cried for a few minutes but then everything felt numb. And that's when my life changed, my heart broke into a set of burned pieces. And I lost my mom. And I didn't even get to say goodbye or I love you one last time. And that has killed me to this day.

I am 20 now. Moved out of my dads, 's when I was 18 after graduating in 2020. I hope my mom is proud of me. I know dad is, but I wish I could have a do-over with mom and me. Because we had a rocky relationship but she is my mom and I will always love her no matter the fallout.