This is your father; Stop asking questions

'Hosanna! Hosanna! Oh praise the Lord, hallelujah'! This is what Tito can hear from mommy. Songs she never sang before.

Mommy's religious belief has been based on traditional religious culture.

Suddenly mommy starts putting on a church symbol and singing holy hymns.

There is crushing and gnashing of teeth inside the bedroom. This is the only solution to Tito's frustration.

Things move very fast. The family moves from a single room house to a two bedroomed, a kitchen, lounge and a bathroom type of house. A vehicle into their home, a television set and a set of sofas. Life is changing very fast more than Tito can imagine; things which the family did not have before are coming into their household possessions.

Giant, dark in complexion and with a deep voice – a man comes into Tito's life.

The man is introduced as his daddy. This is in the year 1984.

'Although I am still a child, I am not too stupid to see that this man is not my father', says Tito to himself as he sits alone around the corner of the room. 'I wonder where my father is.' This is not my father, absolutely not.'

A new baby boy is born, the year is 1985. This is the third born baby in the family.

The other young brother, the second after Tito, has just moved from the village to stay with the family in Lobatse.

'Instructions and commands one after the other come from this man; indeed he is the new father of the home.'

'Do I have to accept this reality?'

'Mommy swore to God that if I dare ask her about my father, she is going to beat my butt out!

One day I'm going to ask her about my father, this man is not my father, no ways.'

He has just started at pre-school. But at the age of seven years, situations are becoming vivid for Tito to solidly keep into his mind.

Tito is not allowed to call this man by any name other than 'daddy.'

While Tito is still unbelieving the puzzle he lives in, a new man comes into his life!

He introduced Tito's mommy into the Christianity religion. This is so because, he wears the same symbol Tito's mommy puts on her left side next to the heart on whatever she wears. This is something which just appears into their home since 'daddy's' appearance.

Daddy is a businessman engaged into building constructions. He forms and registers a business which carries the name of the newly third born baby in the family.

Tricycles, guns and car toys brought for the third born baby to play with.

'Tito, take and show the baby how to play, go on, boy, show him!' No matter how much they try to get Tito engaged, he does not enjoy any of these.

Staying in an open house attracts a lot of visits from relatives and family friends.

'Oh, this boy looks like Solman,' a pair of big ears that stick out of the sides of his head, exactly Solman's ears! Look at his thin long nose, oh no, small brown eyes, and a fab smile, look at him!'

Everybody they come across says this straight to Tito's face. His ears tend to be the first thing anyone comments on. They say these remarks in the presence of Tito's mommy.

People never stop talking about how Tito looks exactly like his father; despite the disapproval from mommy. Some people keep on telling Tito that his father is Solman.

The smile on Tito's mommy is not genuine whenever she hears these remarks. She wishes these kinds of conversations cannot reach Tito's ears. But many people continue to say, 'this boy looks exactly like his father Solman.'

'Mommy, who is Solman?'

Tito asks interestingly for he now knows who the name refers to. Mommy looks at Tito, silent for a moment, looks at Tito again.

Mommy points to the giant man washing the van in the far corner of the yard and stresses her point, 'This is your father, stop asking questions'.

Whenever he asks the question, 'Mommy where is my father? The only response he gets is, never mention that name! Never!

Daddy realizes that there is something wrong with the two, mommy and Tito.

Deep voice from daddy as he wipes the mirror of the van, 'What's going on there, what has he done mommy?

'This child asks very irritating questions.' mommy does not want to talk much on the questions Tito asks. 'What questions mommy', daddy wants to know.

'Very foolish questions, I'm wondering where he gets them.' 'Yes I'm listening, mommy.'

'He's asking me who Solman is?' ' Whooo! What! Where! Huh!

Bucket splashes, daddy rushes to the orchard, breaks down a strong branch of a peach tree, runs after Tito, beating the hell out of his butt!

Tito runs through the yard, around the house, noisily crying, falling all over the place!

Beating the hell out of his butt! Daddy is shouting; beating the hell out of his butt! where do you get this question from, huh! Where do you get this question from, huh! Huh! I'll kill you! You bastard!

Whenever, he asks about his father he gets very forceful response from mommy and 'daddy'. Their goal is all-important.

They act in some aggressive manner by manipulating Tito and forcing things according to their objectives – for Tito to believe that 'daddy' is his father and no one else.

Mommy makes certain that she retains and achieves this goal. She does not give a damn what Tito wants. She uses aggression and makes certain she wins by overpowering, attacking, intimidating and overwhelming Tito.

This makes Tito handle this conflict by withdrawing himself totally from the situation.

Achieving his goal of wanting to know where his father is seems far from reach.

Tito becomes hopeless in trying to resolve this emotionally punishing situation.

To avoid this severe conflict, he is forced to forego his goal of knowing where his father is and does what mommy and 'daddy' expect of him.

Denial often occurs whenever Tito becomes angry as a result of any conflict. This includes any conflict apart from the one he has with mommy and daddy; conflicts with friends and other members of the family.

Instead of saying what bothers him, he pretends that there is no problem or that he is not feeling angry. As a result of this, most of the time, Tito becomes more reserved.

Mommy and 'daddy' most of the times say 'no' to most of the things he wants in life. Tito is ten years of age still at primary school doing standard three. He has a classmate, who joins a karate sport at a nearby karate club. His classmate is encouraged by his own family to join and joining the karate club is for free. He informs Tito about this karate club.

'hooo-haaa-hia-ihaaaaaa!

Shaping his hands and foot, somersaulting in the air, like the flexible Bruce Lee and the dragon kungfu karate master he shouts kia-kia – Tito cannot wait to say, 'Wow, do that again!'

Tito watches his classmate tirelessly as he flip-flops behind Tito's home all the way to the training club three times a week, after school hours. Tito becomes very interested in the sport.

'Daddy' I want to join the karate club, it's for free, I really like karate', curiously saying this as Tito watches his classmate, jogging along the road to his karate club.

'What do you want to do with fighting, you are a Christian, have you ever seen a Christian fighting, huh!' with his push-over voice, 'daddy' replies bitterly closing the conversation.

Even so, Tito is not baptized – it is the church they visit as a family because mommy and 'daddy' are baptized members of this church.

Tito knows that to be baptized in this church a person has to be sixteen years and above.

This is the rule of this family's church.

'But I'm not yet baptized,' replies Tito thinking daddy will come to his senses of the baptism issue.

'When the time arrives, you will be baptized, Tito!' Daddy dismisses the talkative boy.

Instead, Tito tries athletics at school. He fails. There are boys who run faster than him.

They run very fast past Tito like a 'Gone in 60 seconds racing car passing the 19th century first model of a cargo van. He gives up on athletics and joins the scout club.

'Daddy, I joined the scout club and we are supposed to go for a trip during school holidays, may I please go with the club?' kindly asks Tito as he raises the spoon to his mouth during dinner.

'You are supposed to get your books and read during school holidays, all you are aiming for ill-behaved actions', go and get your books and read, daddy closes the conversation as he moves his spoonful of sorghum meal to his mouth.

Silence breaks in, Tito gives up!

There are very limited sports activities at Tito's primary school. He then tries soccer. Since this is the only sport available, he informs 'daddy' about it.

Daddy likes soccer very much; he can watch every game each weekend whenever his favourite team plays. He is a big supporter of Iwisa Kaizer Chiefs football club. He likes this team so much, to the extent that he can go to the stadium in the neighbouring country, South Africa to watch the game whenever the team plays.

Most South African teams have much influence on Botswana football fans since these teams have premiership and soccer league challenges, which Botswana as a country does not have.

'Daddy' I joined soccer at school, I need soccer boots and socks,' says Tito to daddy.

' Indeed I'll buy you some pair of soccer boots and socks at the end of the month, daddy replies favourably.

He does buy Tito socks and some flat shoes, not the real soccer boots. But he accepts them and uses them for soccer training.

Deep down Tito's heart, he does not like soccer, he does not enjoy it – he is just doing it for the sake of joining sport. With his tiny body, muscular boys overpower Tito during training and he is never picked for the school national team.

'Try harder, you will never know how to play football, never,' these are the only words he gets from his soccer coach. This brings much frustration all the time when Tito plays soccer at school.

He tries goalkeeping. Powerful shots come his way hitting hard on Tito to the extent that he sometimes has to run away from goalposts when powerful shooters have the chance to shoot straight shots at him.

'Would my father deny me the chances of trying to develop my talents?'

This question sticks with Tito for a long time whenever he faces frustrations on his way home after every soccer practice.

Inability to outshine in any of the sports, and being denied the chance to join the sports he likes brings much distress to him. Because of all this stress and his father's disconnection with him, concentration slips away during school lessons.

There is too much stress in his life and this affects his school work. At the age of 12 years while doing standard five, he is losing concentration in class.

His teacher writes notes on the chalkboard and as a class; they have to copy into their notebooks, what the teacher writes.

One day mommy takes Tito's science note book and reads through it.

She cannot get most of the words and meaning of sentences – no matter how much she tries to use her common sense. When asked about the words written in his notes, he cannot even understand them. The words he himself wrote make no sense to the sentences. The science subject in his school is taught in the English language. But the words are not English language. They are neither his mother tongue language – Setswana, nor any language found on this earth. Not even garbage!

They are total nonsense words.

Although mommy does this, parents are not forced by any school systems to monitor their children's school work. Out of her own instincts mommy just reads through the notebook.

She asks Tito where he took those words from. He insists that he wrote similar words which the teacher wrote on the chalkboard.

Tito replies cautiously to every question mommy asks. He does not want the root cause of the problem to be brought into the picture.

'So why don't you tell your teacher when you cannot see or understand some of the words,' she asks wisely. 'Sometimes I just tell myself that the word is as I see it,' giving his best reply as he tries to reason with her. 'But what about the missing words,' she replies trying to make Tito open up. 'Are you concentrating in class?' Mommy inquisitively continues.

She keeps silent without giving any kind of physical indication of what she is thinking.

Defending himself, he says, the writing style the teacher uses is sometimes not visible to him as he sits far from the chalkboard.

'Ok, I'll talk to your teacher over the phone tomorrow to move you closer to the chalkboard and ask him to write in a style that you will clearly see, alright,' she replies as she folds the notebook.

In fear of any possible contradictions from mommy about his school work, he reads his books often. He compares his notes with his classmates and corrects words right on the spot. He asks the teacher whenever he is not sure of the word. This brings more intelligence in his school work.

His life is miserable in any of the hobbies he tries to follow. After some few months Tito quit soccer. He then watches many television documentaries on social issues, listens too much to reggae and dancehall music and develops interest in reading books, magazines and newspapers.

Despite the fact of this experience, stress is an inescapable part of his life.

However, this stressful situation does not become destructive to his life – he does not want to allow this to happen. Emotional suffering is his daily food.