It is time to End my life

'Oh look at this man behind, blood spilling all over the place, oh shame.' 'Blood from chicken livers is all over the floor.'

Two women in front of him feel sorry for him.

They whisper to each other; Tito is in a queue in a local supermarket. In his hand he is holding chicken livers to pay at the cashier. It is a long queue and the chicken livers are melting very fast.

'And he looks like Solman, can you see that, take a look at him!

Tito overhears them and the name Solman. Quickly he cannot wait to ask them.

'Excuse me, did you just say I look like Solman?'

'No, no, it's nothing bad; we are just asking ourselves about those chicken livers.'

'Yes mam, that one I heard, but did you just say I look like Solman?

'No, no, no, you have misquoted us!

'Solman is my father, mam; do you know where he is?'

'Oh really, and who are you?' 'My name is Tito.' 'Are you mommy's son?'

The two women closely take a look at Tito as they ask this.

'Yes mam, I am.'

It is their turn to pay at the cashier and the conversation pauses. But Tito is very eager to continue the conversation.

'Please wait, I have to ask!

Tito pays and quickly joins the women. 'Who are you mam, ' He asks with much interest.' 'I am Solman's sister!' 'Sister!

Tito's eyes spiral to the highest surprise.

'Where is he, please tell me.' Is he at your home?

'He stays in a village he has been staying for a long time. Your mommy's village.' This is his phone number and these are our numbers.

Call us at any time. It's good to have finally met you Tito.'

'No, please let me go and see where you stay, right now.'

'But you have to take those spilling chicken livers home, Tito.'

'Oh yes, I have to take them home before they spill more. I will call my father when I have money in my cellphone.' 'We can call him for you, right now. Take and talk to him.' For the first time in his life Tito speaks to his father.

'Did he give you directions to his workplace and home?'

'Yes mam, he gave me directions to where he works.' Thank you.'

The following day, Tito goes to the hardware store where his father directed him. This time it is a different place.

As he arrives, a lady points to the men in the far end of the building and says Solman is with those men.

'Yes, how can we help you?' One man asks as Tito greets the men.

'I came to see this man over here', he says pointing to the man sitting on an empty tin of universal undercoat white paint.

There is silence and when the man picks up his face, looking straight into Tito's eyes, there is absolute silence for some split seconds. Tito can see the looks on these men's faces, they are surprised at what is going on.

'Are you T-man.'

This is the man's first question with his delighted face.

'Yes sir, it's me.' Tito nearly burst into tears as he replies.

'Come.'

Standing up as he reaches for Tito's weak handshake.

'Gentlemen, this is my son Tito.'

He looks around all the men as he says these words. 'He looks like you, Solman.

One gentleman replies, taking a glance at Tito's face once more. Tito and his father have a little chat since his father is busy assisting customers. 'Yes I stay in the city of Gaborone but not with the rest of the family.'

Replies Tito as he narrates the whole disputes that took place in mommy's family.

'Alright son, let me get back to work, I have to make some deliveries in a nearby village.

Will you still be in the village tomorrow so that I come and spend more time with you,' Says Tito's father as he ends the conversation. 'No, I am going back to the city today. Sadly replies Tito as he very much wants to have more time with his father. Tito goes back to the city of Gaborone a happy young man without a doubt.

He finally met with his father. But he still has one more thing to put an end to; know his father's lineage.

Tito now has reconnected with his father. He visits his father at his home to know more about him.

Unfortunately, his father does not know much about his own father either.

According to Tito's father, his father –the grandfather to Tito – died while Tito's father was still a child. All he knows is that his father was murdered while working in the neighbouring country South Africa back in the 1950s; this is all Tito's father can tell Tito.

'My mother is dead also.' Says Tito's father as he outlines what he knows about his family.

'Is this the dead end to my search,' Tito wonders with great disappointment.

'Will this be another unsolved issue in my life after, Mommy, where is my father?'

'Isn't there anyone to take me through this lineage, father.'

Hopelessly asks Tito. Tito's father refers him to his own father's younger sister, Mercy, and says she is the one who can know about his father's father.

'Your father is ignorant to almost everything in his life.'

Says Solman's sister, aunt Mercy unhappily. It shows from Tito's conversation with aunt, Mercy, that Tito's father never bothered to know where his own father is or where he originates.

'When our mother was alive she encouraged your father to meet with his aunts, the sisters to your grandfather, but your father has been too reluctant.' Continues aunt, Mercy.

'Although your father referred you to me, I have very limited information about his father.' His father was buried in Tlokweng.'

Aunt Mercy refers to a village sharing the boundary lines with the capital city Gaborone.

'However, there are people with all the information, the sisters to your father's father and they reside in the neighbouring country, South Africa. I will source their phone numbers and tell them your story. They know where your grandfather is buried so that you put an end to your long search,'

Aunt Mercy concludes the conversation with great concern feeling the same pain Tito feels.

The sisters to Tito's grandfather are contacted by aunt Mercy and finally arrive in Botswana in the Easter holidays of 14, April, 2017.

These are old women who are above 80 years of age. It is their first time in their life to meet with Tito's father ever since he was born. It is the first time Tito's father sees where his father has been laid to rest.

Tito now knows where his father is and who his father is. The names of Tito's grandfather are finally revealed. Knowing his names, his origins, his totem and knowing where his grandfather is laid to rest, means the end of the search for Tito.

At least to him, he has certainly solved his long-lasting problem, that of being emotionally independent with the saga of his father. He has better self-understanding and an improved quality of life. This experience he has undergone during his life has formed various self-images about him.

His spiritual well being comes to peaceful rest – Tito finally finds inner-peace.

Emotions, humiliations, words spoken to him; success, failures, joy, sorrow and triumph - all played their part in shaping Tito's self-images right up to the present moment.

'My hard-hitting journey comes to an end.' Tito passionately breathes a big sigh of relief.