I have to find him this time

Mommy, where is my father?

This question has not been answered - despite 'daddy' having passed on.

Tito does not want to repeat the question in the same fashion he has been leading. 'Am I solving this problem in a mixed-up manner?

Am I asking the wrong question?' Tito thoughtfully tries to reason with himself.

He does not want to get into these conflicts again with mommy about his father.

He has completed his studies in Zimbabwe and wants to inform his father of all his whereabouts. The high school results are released. Tito has passed –he got a second class pass rate. Happy with his hard work, he rushes to the village to tell his father about this. Tito is now determined to find his father. 'I have to find him this time.' 'Is he still alive?' he wonders as he sits by the window of an old bus heading straight to the village.

He goes straight to the hardware he has been visiting for many years trying to find his father.

He still asks the same question; 'I came to see the man named Solman'.

This time, he receives the response that the company changed its name and operations two and half years back. No one knows the man. This is a new management.

Tito's only hope rests with aunt Judy, and aunt Ossa. These are the people who have been telling him about Solman.

'Aunt Judy, I went to look for my father at the hardware you said he works at. He left it some years back. Do you know where he can be?'

'Tito I also did the same thing. Last year I wanted to pay him a visit at that store. I got the same response you just gave me. It's unfortunate, boy. No one knows where your father could be.'

Tito does not waste any time, he rushes to aunt Ossa, his last hope. Ossa gives this response; 'Mommy is the only person who knows where your father is.'

He remembers how hard it has been to ask mommy the question; 'mommy where is my father?' Tito is greatly discouraged. He is nineteen years old. He is in a great dilemma. He goes back home with great concern.

Five years later, Tito gets a Botswana government scholarship to study at the University of Port Elizabeth in South Africa. It is now in the year 2001. He studies for a Business management degree.

He goes to South Africa still without knowing who his father is, where he is and how he is. As luck would have it, in his course of study, he studies stress management, conflict resolutions and problem solving skills.

He becomes very much interested in these topics that he reads about in detail. He knows that these topics will help him better solve the question; Mommy, where is my Father. He wants to bring an end to it – unselfishly.

Whenever they are given course work assignments, Tito puts all of his energy on the work. In any group work regarding the topics of conflict management, he does the whole group assignment alone. He presents it to the group for the group to choose what to include and what to leave out in the group assignments. This is a relief to some group members who have not covered the topic on time. For Tito, this is to his benefit. He studies to understand and be better at solving the question - Mommy where is my father?

Due to this extensive reading, Tito becomes a top achiever in the faculty of Arts. He is awarded a certificate of the top ten per cent achievers in the whole faculty of Management in the university.

Despite the fact that Tito does not know where his father is, he is determined to make certain that it becomes officially known by both him and mommy.

'When I complete my studies I will make this happen.'

This is the determination he has.

Tito comes back home from South Africa in December 2005 after five years of his studies. The completion of his studies in Zimbabwe and his studies in South Africa; his father does not know of all these movements. Mommy does not care what Tito feels about this.

Despite everything, he is happy to reunite with his family after such a long period of time. But he did visit the family every December during university holidays.

Mommy has been sick since the year 1994 and has been in and out of the hospital. But she never lost her job with the government.

This is one of the advantages of working for the government. You are not easily released from work merely because of your health status if the incapacity of your health does not in any way interfere with your work.

Tito is happy about this. 'Mommy has not lost her job.'

As a grown up man he thinks to himself; 'Now it is the time to sit down with mommy and have a problem-solving approach to our long lasting difference. The finding of where my father is – should end now.'

Tito waits for the day when only two of them are inside the house – him and mommy. He is willing to negotiate a settlement whereby he will sacrifice part of his goals that mommy can request, if mommy is willing to do the same.

'I learnt a lot about problem-approach, Win-win-solution and positive confrontations.'

He says this to himself as he folds his arms preparing for a good gesture to position his dignified intellectual achievements.

Mommy arrives home. Slowly drawing her in the conversation trying to encourage her to be involved, Tito opens up the discussion.

'Mom I'm still your son and your first born son and forever will be. As a grown up man having completed my degree studies, I am going to find work and move away from this house to find my own house. Please mom, hear me appropriately.'

Mommy quietly listens as Tito gives the speech. He continues, from time to time clearing his throat for audible voice projection.

'Mom, my father, Solman,'

Mommy raises her eyebrows as soon as Tito says this name. She attentively listens to the opinion that will follow this name from Tito's mouth.

Without any stereotype and prejudices with this conversation with mommy, Tito can interpret that the raising of these eyebrows means aggression and violence – thus, to be avoided at all costs.

He does not want the relationship between him and mommy to suffer. He wants to avoid losing self-respect – it is necessary for him to arrive at a pleasant-sounding arrangement without blaming each other. This is the main objective of Tito's confrontation.

He patiently continues as mommy patiently waits to hear the complete story of his confrontation.

'If by any chance Solman has a family,' when I am given a house to stay by the company I will be working for, my young brothers and my sister will have to visit me at my place.

Solman's children will also have to visit me. I will be at a tight spot to explain to the two families who the other is. Kindly gather my brothers here and inform them that my father is alive and his name is Solman and officially introduce him to this family,' Continues Tito as he time and again looks at mommy to sense her facial reactions.

'This will be easy for me to further explain to them when they visit me.' This is all I wanted to say mom.'

Straightening his body on the sofa as he completes his speech – he looks into mommy's face with some good-mannered smile. Tito believes that he made a good presentation. He is confident that his ideas are well received.

Mommy pauses for some time and looks at him and responds slowly but firm.

'I shall never do that, I can't raise up a child and a man just comes and scoops him from me, I shall never ever live to do that,' She vibrantly concludes her response.

'I get your concern mom, but what I am saying is, Solman will not be taking me away from you, I have to look after the two families, my mom's and father's family, you are still my family and will forever be,' Responds Tito trying to arrive at a reasonable solution. He pauses for some seconds and wonders to himself, 'How can I get a word in without offending her or seeming rude?'

While still quietly asking himself this question mommy responds with a loud overpowering, attacking and overwhelming voice; 'Tito I told you I will never do that and stop this pushing-over you are doing, I will never do that, I made myself loud and clear to you.' She makes this attack on Tito as she finishes the conversation, dismissing him before he has a chance to say any meaningful word.

There are two major concerns: firstly, the achievement of his personal goal that is very important to Tito; The answer to the question 'Mommy where is my Father?'

Secondly, the relationship with mommy, brothers and a sister, is of importance to him as well.

Just like before, his relationship with mommy is of crucial importance; Tito wants to avoid conflicts in favour of harmony at home.

At the age of 28 in the year 2006 he is still hopeless in trying to resolve this situation.

Although he is confident that he is intelligent enough to solve this conflict in a win-win solution. 'Maybe mommy will voluntarily answer it someday, I hope.'

Unable to express his opinions anymore and in fear of further contradiction, he tells himself that he should put an end to this confrontation. This question 'Mommy where is my Father' should disappear from my mouth,' says Tito hopelessly.