1 My childhood

I had a childhood people are far from imagining, and even furthur from experience.

Every kid is loved the most by their mother. EVERY kid expects sympathy from their parents. Life of single-parent children can be difficult, but there sure are no flaws in the parent-kid friendship, compainion ship, and love.

Alternate on my side. Since when I was a few years, I've never experienced LOVE. I've never experienced SYMPATHY. I've never experienced TRUST. Both my parents were more concerned on work than on their child. I was usually left out at Grandma's place and hence wasn't raised by my mother or father.

Even worse, their EXPECTATIONS from a 5 year old were similar to what are from a middle scholar.

With a huge pressure of study, hobbies, and tireness I've been a kid with an adult stimulation life.

When I turned 7, I was forced to leave middle brain stimulation classes and join grand piano. Now here was a 3rd grader with high level mathematics, science, political science, grand piano, and the 3rd grade syllabus. Representing my school at several competitions, winning the hell out of them, and still I was considered useless. I'm not a lone daughter, i have a younger brother. 7 years younger than me, still experienced a better childhood. CHILDHOOD? what the heck is that? Nope, never felt like a kid. Always been doing things twice my age kids do.

Another reason I feel useless is not being wanted. My mother is aggressive, and I've always been handling her mood swings. The biggest burden of her anger is

"I wish you never existed! Girls are stupid! Even i didn't wanna be a girl! I wish I had a son instead of you piece of flesh!"

WOW.....does that seem like a mother's nature? Obviously not...I've always felt like i shouldn't have existed, but now that I do, my goal in life is prove my worth to her.

Every kid loves their mother more than anything, or maybe close.....I honestly have no idea about that. Imagine being a 3 year old and constantly being scolded about existing. Can you?

Even my general education was 99% internet. "Once in a month, under the moon, a baby comes out with a shell and a cup of blood. It may seem more, but it's exactly the same." This was the definition of periods by a senior gynaecologist I used to be freinds with. Naah, my mother wasn't bothered to say anything....

TEARS: should never be wasted on people not worth them. Realised this after wasting a lot of tears..

Everytime I shed tears, Mom sent me back to my room, "Perform your drama somewhere else!"

This led to sadness....Sadness led to overthinking, Overthinking led to anger, anger led to maturity. I haven't cried since then. My last tear was....One day, I came back home from school, only to find the woman bursting with anger....This was usual for me. I was having enough of being psychically tortured, so I decided to move a step further. As usual, she burst out her anger on me....."Would you people survive without me!? I'm the only person who moves around in this house!! You guys get a chance to move out of the house while I have to stay back here working! Learn to Cook and you'll know!! Learn to Work and You'll know! Learn to be an adult!"

I gnitted my teeth, clinched my fist, tried my best to hold on but i let it slip.

"I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU. Your existence doesn't make a difference in my life! Or maybe it does.....of course my life without you would be HAPPIER!"

I received an open fist for that, but atleast i let her know my sadness and anger resulted in utmost rage and hatred for her.

I know my mom doesn't "love" me. No, not from her heart. Some of you might say that im wrong.....Dude, no!

Regularly, my parents argue on pointless topics. I sleep on the 3rd floor, my parents on the 1st one. One night, at 3 PM, I heard some commotion and seeped out of my bed to listen closer. "Bastard! Bitch! Bastard! Bitch!" blurred voices flew about before they made sense as words. I have no idea what they were bitching about but... I still decided to stay out of it.

It's not like domestic violence is supported here, they just make issues out of normal topics.