Going home

Misty

I was awoken by my roommate again. She screams in her sleep. I'm Misty, I am seventeen years old, I have long black hair and caramel brown eyes; my height is four foot nine. I am thin because I am never hungry. I have two older brothers that are twins. Jake and Jasper. They are eighteen years old, one is six foot, and the other is six foot one. They have brown hair and honey brown eyes. Both my brothers are on the football team. They are very popular at school, as for me well I have spent the last year in a psychiatric hospital. I tried to "self-slaughter" or in other word I tried to end my life. This was not my first attempt. I also did "self-inflicted violence" in other word I cut myself. I have been cutting myself for years now. I have been on antidepressants for so long they do not work anymore. I was put on a new one called "Fluoxetine"; it is just like the rest of them… garbage. What makes me do all these things you may ask? Well, I do not want to live. Ever since I can remember, my mom would physically and mentally abuse me. After every hit or every word she would say to me, my dad, Kane, would always defend her. He would say that she is "sick." My mom was a drug addict. She died when she overdosed. To be honest, it did not bother that she died. But when my grandparents died, that broke me. They were the only people I could talk to. Sometimes it felt like they were the only ones that cared about me. But they are gone now. I wish my dad did not find me and take me to this place. I wanted to be with my grandparents. When my dad was allowed to come see me here, he asked me why I tried to kill myself. I looked at him dead in the eyes and told him that I was just doing what mom wanted me to do. My dad said mom never meant it. I screamed at him, saying she meant every damn word she has ever said to me. I was still screaming that if she did not mean anything, then why did she beat me like she did; why did she punish me? Mom would not have tried to starve me like she did. My brothers would sneak me food when she was "punishing" me. My dad did not say a word and left. My brothers did try to protect me, but it never worked. That's why I finally moved in with my grandparents. Then they died. I was in here when my mom died. I knew it hurt my brothers, but I did not care. I am getting out of this hospital today. Dad is coming to get me at noon. Is it a bad thing that I do not want to go home? The doctor made me make a goals list. I really did not want to do it, but I did. I just put down to take my pills, finish school, and to get as many snakes as I can. The doctor asked why I did not put down making friends. I told him that is why I put the snakes. He said snakes cannot be friends. I told him that I want to be alone, be alone with the snakes. The doctor said this is just my first goal list. He said that I should make more lists when my first one is completed. Breakfast came and went. I packed all my stuff; now I'm waiting for my brothers and dad to come. My brothers are coming to help bring my crap to the car or whatever my dad is going to drive. Sadly, school is going to start soon. I hate school, everything about school I hate.

But I think I hate the people the most. I wanted to be homeschooled, but my dad said I have to be around people and make friends. No one understands I do not want these things called friends. I want to be alone for the rest of my life. If I had it my way, my life would have been over by now. I'm sitting by the window, looking at the rooftop of the hospital. I know I will have to get clothes for school. I will get the same things I always get. Black hooded sweatshirts, sweatpants, shoes, underwear, bras, and socks. Everything will be black. I want everything to be black like my heart. It is easier to hide in the shadows when you are dressed in black. My brothers tell me to get more colorful outfits so I can fit in at school. Fitting in is taboo for me. It will never happen. I heard my name being called from the loudspeaker. That can mean only one thing. My brothers and dad are here. I got up and went to the main hallway and walked to the desk of the nurse.

There were my brothers and my dad with the nurse. The nurse walked all of us to the room I once occupied. My brothers and dad grabbed all my crap. They left to put it in the vehicle that my dad was driving. My dad exclusively came back in. He signed some papers, then the nurse went to the closet and unlocked it and gave me my coat, phone, wallet, house keys, and my shoes. I thanked the nurse and said goodbye. I was walking with my dad; every time we came to a door, we had to wait to be buzzed out. I loathe having to wait on the doors to be opened. We proceed until we got outside. I felt the heat from the sun, the summer air was all around me. I must say it was quite enjoyable, for I was banned from going outside for the fear I would run away. Only the people that chose to smoke cigarettes were allowed to go out. But, of course, they had to be supervised. Dad said he was delighted I was going home. I nodded my response. I saw dad's van, very well then. We reached the van, Jasper asked if I wanted to occupy the front seat of the van. I shook my head and said he could. Jake opened the sliding door to the van; I got in; Jake followed. This was a mistake on my part, for Jake hugged me. Jake said he missed me. I could feel the panic attack arising deep within me. I despise being touched. I have only liked when my grandparents hugged me. I told Jake to disengage from me. The dunce said no.

Finally, we arrived home. The outside of the house has not changed. Even the color is the same, white with blue trim. This house was not small, it has four bedrooms and three bathrooms. Two of the bedrooms are upstairs and two are down in the basement. All the bedrooms are decent-sized. There are bathrooms on all the floors. I was informed that Jake took my bedroom, that was in the basement when I was gone. I was relocated upstairs; my dad has his room upstairs as well. I disliked sharing a bathroom with Jasper for the reason that he found my menstrual hygiene products, then went on asking me about my feminine napkins. Jasper was very inquisitive about them asking me what they are used for and how to use them. I was too embarrassed to inform him what they are, so I went to YouTube and found him a great quantity of videos for him to watch and learn from. Jasper showed everyone in the house the videos. It was so hard the first time I got my period. I informed my mom that I had gotten it; it was like she did not understand what I was trying to tell her or what I needed. Maybe she did not care, so I had to call my grandma to inform her I had gotten my first period. My grandma came right over with the stuff I needed. My grandma was always there for me; in return, I did my best to be there for her and grandpa. My brothers and dad got all my stuff out of the van's trunk. They hauled it into the house and up the stairs to my new area. I accompanied them.

They put the crap that I call mine down on the bed. Dad informed my brothers that he was going down to order Chinese food. I notified them that I was going to unpack. There is not much to unpack, for I have little. The things I do own are clothes, bed and bedding, my diary, earphones, phone, shoes, and my personal care products. After putting the stuff away, I headed out of my room and down the stairs. My brothers are watching sports on the television. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. The kitchen was modified. I went to the cupboard for a cup, then went to the sink and filled my cup. I sipped on the cold fluid. I went back to the living room I asked what happened to the kitchen? Jake enlightened me by telling me dad burnt down the kitchen trying to reheat SpaghettiOs. Lunch came and went. I consumed little. I'm never ravenous. Dad informed me we will be going school shopping in the morning. I nodded my response. Dad asked what establishment I would like to visit. I informed him that Wal-Mart was the one for me. Before he could object, I informed them I was retiring for the day. I retreated to my room. I got to my room and grabbed my toothbrush, headed to the bathroom, and brushed my teeth. I returned to my room when I was done. I laid down on the fluffy bed. I fell asleep. How I'm infatuated with sleep.