58 Recording the memories (end)

We are dismissed from the dining hall under icy cold silence. Far Sight looks very disgruntled. I manage to maintain a dignified bearing until I am outside the building but then my energy begins to give way. My legs sag. I nearly fall down the stairs. Bouncer hurries to support me and Fluttering Bird props me up on the other side.

Once home, they hurriedly help me to bed and I am sick for a few days. No news from the emperor or empress may or may not be good news and I try not to let it unsettle me. Instead, I focus my attention on what I can see and do.

When I am finally able to get out of bed again, I notice Gentle Whiskers is busier than usual. Not just him, the others too. They often meet or are met by a eunuch and official whom I do not recognise. Bouncer informs me that they are from the Department of Records who keep all the historical records of the goings on in the palace. They have charge of the imperial daily accounts and also look after the main library.

Watching and following Gentle Whiskers from a distance, I catch snippets of their conversation but not enough to put together what they are talking about. Drawing closer I hear them mention my name when they have sat down inside a small book room in a wing of the library. There is no one else around.

"It is unlikely my Lady will want to talk about these things and open up her old wounds again. It may be better for her to leave the forgotten things lost. I don't want to set back her health again," Gentle Whiskers shakes his head.

"So you don't know what happened or what she went through during that time?" the official asked and the scribe's brush pauses above the paper. The official sighs and rubs his face. "His Imperial Majesty ordered me to write a detailed account of what happened. I have already spoken to all of her staff, but need to speak to the Princess in order for the records to be complete. Then I can compile the papers into one report for his Imperial Majesty."

"Apologies," Gentle Whiskers begins.

"But this Lady will tell you her story," I finish, coming out of hiding behind the shelves and into the study area of the silent library. "Gentle Whiskers, it's all right. Perhaps when the words and memories have been put down on paper, then the memories in my mind will be released and I can truly forget them. Maybe then they will stop plaguing my sleep. Let me try cut them off so that I can move on."

"Princess!"

"My Lady!"

People jump up at my intrusion and I take a seat at their table.

"May I?" I ask.

Gentle Whiskers looks nervous and exchanges glances with Bouncer who had been following me with Fluttering Bird. After a moment he nods.

"Yes, but we will stop if you begin to get tired or agitated," he says.

And so we start. We start with the Stack where my memories are strongest. I can tell them very little of the fragmented memories from before that. Those memories remain largely lost and broken.

Every now and then, people make noises. I don't entirely understand what they mean by those noises other than the fact they are listening. Instead, I watch the eunuch's brush fly across the paper with interest, transforming my spoken words into little words on the paper. Page after page after page.

We continue for several days. I grow tired and fatigued easily with reliving these memories. Sometimes, I get lost in them and my people need a long time to draw me back out again. In one case, I miss an entire season. I don't know where it went or what happened.

Nevertheless it is eventually done.

When I come back to myself and the story has been told, I feel a strange sense of release. Freedom. The horrible memories have faded and lost their vivid colours. They have been trapped on paper. There is no longer a need for me to carry them.

Everything returns to normal. It seems Far Sight has finally forgiven me for my forthrightness. Apparently, I nearly died while I was trapped in my memories which frightened him. Why he would be concerned about me when he had been angry and upset, I am not certain. Why he should be concerned with me at all when we are not close, baffles me. Both he and Serenity send words of relief when I am better.

They visit me with little pomp or fanfare. They tell me to take my time recovering. They will only send me guests or request my assistance when I am able and ready. Far Sight gives me a never before seen favour, permitting me to refuse an unlimited number of royal decrees during my lifetime. It is such a shock that I comically trip to fall on my face in front of him after hearing his declaration. How embarrassing.

I am happy now, with my friends and family. The children are growing. Doctor Guan's number of apprentices are also growing. My Apricot Side Palace is always so full of life.

And here I am, learning again who and what I am. Taking one step at a time. Trying to take things in my stride. Perhaps, someday, somehow, I will be whole again and know my own name. Perhaps, one day, I can live the life I want again, instead of drifting as I am and being pulled from place to place to do what others want.

But for now, I do what is at hand. For the moment, I use my brush to paint the Here, the Now and what I see.

And it is enough.