Fragments

All I am left with are fragments.

Days and things and events happen in a confused whirl. I sit where I am left. I wander in strange places when I am awake. There is no way to keep track of events or time. No sense of security. No familiarity. Lost in the misty tracks of a dream world that doesn't make sense.

The names I once knew have fled from me again. The world is full of strangers and I scream at the red tide whenever my eyes close. There are people everywhere I go. They trap and hem me in. There is nowhere left to run. Nowhere left to hide. I do not wonder anymore. I am not curious. Such thoughts are too dangerous to entertain. It is better not to know.

Someone sits and shows me uninteresting sparkly jewelry. Their eyes are full of tears. Water drips from their chin. They show me a box of silver, but I don't know what that has to do with me. Another puts a brush in my hand and lays paper before me. There are coloured inks but I don't know what to do with them. What are they for? I see the colours but they carry no meaning. I put the brush down again. I don't understand what they are saying. I don't know what they want. Whatever it is they want, I cannot give it to them. My empty hands have nothing to give.

Pictures are put in front of me. Paintings of things. All I see are coloured lines. Blurred dreams of another person. Another time. They carry no meaning. No purpose. What am I meant to do with these papers? Pushing them away, I frown at the insistence of the people who keep bringing these useless things before me.

Go away. Leave me alone. I don't know what you want.

All day long, I am pulled from one comfortable place to another new place. The moment I get settled, I am forced to move again. Why can't they leave me alone? Stop pulling me. Stop pushing me. Stop making noise at me. I don't know what you want. What anyone wants.

Leave me alone!

My outstretched arms push against something hard and cold. It falls from its perch like a dead bird but smashes upon the ground like shattering porcelain. Many shards have sprayed out upon the ground, reminding me of scattered sand. Squatting down, I reach out to touch the sand but before I can touch it, I am jerked back and away. Dragged away from the colourful pieces. There's a picture in the scatter. I would be able to see it and make sense of it if only they would give me time and not pull at me.

Voices make angry complaints. Shouting, scolding and screaming. I shrink from the violence in case they want to hurt me. My heart already hurts. My head and eyes are sore. My entire body already aches. I don't need more pain. Don't want more pain. Surely they are angry with me. Surely they want to punish me. I don't know what I have done. What should I do? How do I make them stop shouting? It makes my head hurt more sharply.

Firm figures send the angry people away. They take my arm gently and lead me somewhere soft and quiet. But still, I shiver. Still, I quiver. I am so afraid, but none can save me or comfort me. I don't even know why I am afraid. Why am I so scared? I am laid down and a rhythmic hand pats my back. A soft voice sings me to sleep.

Strong perfume and yellow robes intrude into my nights. I can run. I can hide, but I am still found. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I don't know why I must be punished like this. I'm sorry for whatever I did. I'm sorry. I apologise. I'll do anything. Anything at all to escape the pain but I don't know what he wants. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what I've done and I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

Food tastes bland. Water does not interest me. Music sounds like raucous noise. Smells assault me. I feel tired and dizzy often. When I stand, when I sit, when I move. Even lying down does not stop the spinning and my stomach wrenches and heaves within me. There is an unsettled sea in my tummy. A storm that rages and sweeps up big waves. The waves crash and spray.

I am like a tiny boat escaping a cursed land only to be lost in the middle of a storm. A boat that is tossed with the wind and waves, and can find no safe harbour. Every land it meets is full of traps and poison. Better to stay at sea in the storm. It is less frightening.

Words are spoken. I mimic the strange sounds. My voice feels harsh to my throat when the sounds pass through. Too complex for my tongue. They hold no interest. No content. No meaning. Everywhere I turn there is sighing. Sighing, murmuring and more sighing. Everyone is so disappointed. They are disappointed in me. At me. With me. It is my fault. Surely the problem lies with me but I still cannot work out what I have done wrong. What have I done wrong?

Yellow robes entrap me at night. I choke on the perfume. I cry and scream for help all night long but nobody comes to save me. I am dashed against icy mountain stones and fall among the boulders. I am pierced through by a stony spear like wild forest prey that has been caught by a hunter. An insatiable beast is tearing me apart and pieces of me are being flung far and wide. I may never find all the pieces again.

Fading. The world is fading. I am fading. All is fading away. There is no way to run. No way to escape but to cut myself loose from the tethers that hold me to the ground. I don't care anymore. I don't care anymore. I don't want to care. Why should I?