INNER DEMONS

Along with the process on how we manipulate our own journey, we became static and filled with all the chaos and vulnerability of the world. We still bend and break amidst the resounding sanguinity. When we already conclude for a more precise reason for us to keep on living, we end up on being dissatisfied.

The soul craves for something mystifying that even the self can no longer understand. The various adversities in life seem to be inadequate that we even have to suffer more—from the thing that lives within us; our inner demons.

"Why did you stop talking to me Emery? Did I do something wrong? Are you feeling something bad? How have you been?" Ana speak to Emery. Distress has been visible to her face wondering upon Emery's cold gestures lately.

Upon the long years of being a best friend, Ana was suddenly startled when Emery stop approaching her. There was no day she keeps asking her what's wrong, but there was no day Emery gave an answer as well.

Ana thought it was just Emery's another mood swing, but it merely worsen as a day continues.

"Leave me alone Ana. I don't have anything to say" Emery uttered, without even looking to Ana.

Emery already feels losing all the emotions she must feel. She has been benumbed from everything. She thought nobody could ever understand what she wants after all—even her best friend.

Ana remain unconvinced. She took a step and grab Emery's hand.

"I know you better than you do Emery. It's your sadness that's keeping you away from me. I know you're only feeling too much again. Please do not let everything overwhelmed you." Emery started to shook her head, showing her disagreement to anything Ana would say. She thought that Ana definitely could understand what she feels but not what she wants.

For years, Ana has been very patient to Emery.

She was there to celebrate and to mourn with her.

She knows how to apologize on sudden times that she was crossing beyond the line.

She knows her limits and she respects it.

She was been a best friend and a good person at the same time. But the soul craves for something that needs to break other people. The greatest villain in the world can only be seen in your reflection. We are bound to be selfish, sometimes--or it is our inner demons that let us be.

Emery was been a certain pessimist.

She was been a disciple of her own emotions.

She was easily controlled by her sadness as well as people's feelings and expectations towards her.

She's extremely overwhelmed from everything.

Inner demons feed her depressing visions around. In every point of her life, either something is missing or something is wrong.

She wants to be saved.

She cries to be saved.

"I know myself best Ana." Emery speaks.

"I prayed for someone to save me from drowning into this ocean of insularity. Someone who will save me from this dark cave filled with demons where I live in. Someone who will give the flame that will lighten up the shade. Then you came. And I am very thankful for that." She continued.

"What are you trying to say Emery" Ana remains on caressing her hand.

"It's not you who I prayed for Ana" Ana was shocked--and hurt. But Emery was inconsiderable to tell her what she feels.

For once, Emery wants to be true to herself. She wants a change. She demands a change wherein Ana must not be included. Her emotions made her a different person; someone people would hardly, or not at all will ever comprehend.

She wants to be in a place where she can renew herself; a place where nobody can remind her that she was once a person controlled by her inner demons.

A place where she feels nothing's wrong.

A place where she feels–normal.

"I'm sorry Ana. Its just that one day, I woke up in the morning and I got tired anymore. Tired of feeling the same feeling everyday, tired of seeing the same people across the street, tired of hearing the same songs in my music list, tired of tasting the same food, wearing the same clothes, walking at the same park, breathing the same breeze--and I got tired of being with you." Ana's teardrops were never been stopped. She's hurting. Truth might really hurt the most but at least it lessens the fallacies and heartaches to create.

Emery doesn't want to push her away. She cares for Ana too much that she doesn't want her to suffer with her anymore.

Emery's aware on being a hard person to love because of her emotions. But Ana endured everything. Regardless, she still believe that everyone will leave you no matter how much they love you. That one day, Ana will remain losing all the patience and understandings--and only end up leaving her.

"I want a change Ana. Please let me change. Let me live a life without you. I'm tired being guilty for all this demons I have when you're with me. When the darkness seems to destroy me, I feel that I am destroying you too. I want you to grow without being more concern for me. I already want to independently take the responsibility of my own emotions. I want to wake up in the morning and realize that, Life is not tiring. Please  Ana" Ana pulled her a hug. It is tight--something that never want to loosen up anymore.

"Why do you have to be this way? Why don't you just let yourself to be happy and contented for what you feel now, and at least be selfish for what tomorrow's you'll going to feel? Why do you keep on hurting yourself on the things that don't really matter? Why do you have to be sad at some point of your life?—"

" because not every point in our life is meant to be happy Ana. I hate it! I hate myself for always being have to be sad! I hate me!" Emery roared as the tears went to stream down in her face.

That was the last time Emery and Ana had the chance to communicate with each other.

Ana keep on convincing Emery countless times that day. For her, Emery is not just a friend, but rather a sister--her family  that she was not willing to easily let her go.

She begged, with her bended knees on the ground just for Emery to let her stay with her. But Emery still chose to move forward from the change she demands for herself.

Life has the control on making us regret from all the decisions we thought was best for us. Sometimes just because we failed to fight and value ourselves from all the serving villains, we lead other people in their brokenness. We mostly forget that the existing circumstances in life are the sufferings from our own inner demons; we are all suffering from our own inner demons.

Emery woke up one day wishing she can go back on that time when she had the best person beside her.

She wished she could just spend the rest of time with her.

She wished she was also there for her.

She wished she also saved her.

Ana committed suicide a week after they part ways. Emery also heard how Ana has been committing suicide countless times in her life. She blamed herself not knowing Ana's awful situation at some point of her living.

She was not been concerned for her.

Emery even failed to determine her symptoms of depression for she became blinded by her own sadness.

Ana only want is someone who was been like her. Someone who suffered, endured and still lived. But Emery failed to appreciate it.

Ana encourages someone to live even when her life itself was been a sense of worthlessness. She was been a good person and Emery took it for granted. She thought a change would make her break away from being sad--on feeling too much. But certain moments in life, changing can't fix anything. You only need to stay who you are and value yourself more. You just need to value the blissfulness of life,even in its simplest rather than pleasuring all the sorrows of it.

You can renew yourself by not changing. You don't have to eliminate things and people; it's your inner demons must be.

Battles started within us. It is the greatest triumph to surpass the challenge of understanding yourself --of understanding your feelings and emotions.

Emery felt guilty.

She felt sorry for the change she demand to have. She can only wish that she should have been contented and chose her, because Ana chose her either.

They should've had a fair share of sadness and depression. They should've been sad, depressed but still manage to find happiness at the end of their awful situations--because they always have each other; and that was enough reason to be happy about.

They should've been broken and fixed each other's brokenness.

As time leads back Emery to once she had Ana, she realized that maybe as they grew up and matured together– they have had understand that time heal wounds and pain. That sadness and happiness are meant to feel at the same time; that there are things much worth dying for rather than just mere depression.

Maybe if they just lived older, they could have realized that broken people don't always seek for death.

They seek for someone who can take away their inner demons and fill the void with their existence.

That they are only looking for someone who has the missing component of their brokenness.

If Emery and Ana were only given a chance to have a long time of existing friendship, maybe they're both happily living, accepting and sharing their dreadful parts—

and realized how beautifully it is to be broken.

.

( Sorry na agad if there's a grammatical error. Haha)