The Emperor Strikes Back

As I looked down on the battered, broken, and cleaved form of Darth Sidious I could not help but laugh. Not my usual mirthful full body laugh, but a nervous, stressed, and weak incessant chuckling.

As I made my way over to my throne across the room, I shook my head. I had been waiting for so long for some convoluted plot to weaken my power base, the kind of bullshit Padme Amidala would be involved in, but nothing ever happened. The last thing I had expected was for Sidious to come at me like a rival, but it was still on the list.

I guess I became a victim of my own over preparation. When I built my mega fortress, I created an overtly difficult position to take through standard means, and filled it with the best droid guards I could find, including a hefty contingent of modified C-B3 super battle droids. My fortress could stall an assault made by the entire Jedi Order.

So Sidious stealthily went around all that protection to launch a quick decapitation strike against me.

It had been halfway through the night when I went down to the kitchens to fix me up a reward after plowing Jack into unconsciousness. The live staff had gone to bed before the imposed curfew and the only movement throughout the entire fortress came from myself, my patrolling massiffs, and my droid guard force.

Down in the kitchen I assembled my magnum opus, a sandwich so superior to any that came before it and any that came after it that it affected a heavenly glow and its completion was heralded by an angel chorus. I stared in slack jawed awe of the perfection before me.

Then the hiss of an igniting lightsaber activated my incredible reflexes, and I rolled away from a strike that would have cleaved my head in two.

Too late did I realize my mistake as the crimson plasma blade came down on my sandwich.

"EEEUUULALELALE!" I screamed like Arnold Schwarzenegger as my mind broke from witnessing this heinous act.

"ARHHRHRHG!" I shouted as I threw myself at my assailant in a berserker rage, completely uncaring of the molten hot blade that impaled my stomach as I delivered a punch that sent the defiler bouncing off the wall.

"WHHHAAAA!" I yelled as I picked up the dropped saber off the floor and leapt at the most despicable enemy I had ever faced.

The hooded and cloaked man ignited his second red lightsaber just in time to intercept my blade but the resulting collision collapsed his guard and scored a glowing cut across his arm.

"GGRRRAAAA!" I bellowed as we began exchanging attacks using the deadly beam swords.

The force made my foe agile and able to produce power from even the most awkward of positions and the man moved with incredible grace like a world class figure skater.

Even with the force aiding him, he could not power through even the flimsiest guard I put up, and my every attack required his full commitment to defend against as I could generate enough power to break his guard with just my shoulder. Because of this, I never overextended myself, never left myself open to a quick counter.

He cut me a number of times, but between the regenerative nature of hutt healing factor and the raw power of my krogan healing, even the deep wounds were restored in moments with just a bit of scaring to show they were ever their in the first place.

Despite my foe fortifying his constitution with the Force, the few off hand punches and light kicks I managed sent him flying and gasping for air.

I pushed him out of the kitchen and once in the corridor he was engaged immediately by the oncoming droids. Commando droids hanging back with slug throwers, C-B3 droids pushing forward to tank his lightsaber strikes and gun him down with their arm mounted blasters. They pulled back their ranged pressure every time I charged my most hated foe, but resumed every time he tried to pull away from me. A real fucked if you do fucked if you don't scenario.

"Enough!" he cried and pushed his off hand forward as a wave of power left him and knocked down everything in its path.

Everything except me.

With my foe in such a vulnerable position and my hands far more than fast enough to punish him, I lopped off the extended arm, making him scream in agony and loss. I screamed with him, maybe now he knows a fraction of the pain his villainous deeds have caused me.

Rather than stay and fight, the coward ran. Trying to escape a fortress now in lock down. As he fled down the corridor he telekinetically threw everything he could find at me. Furniture, droids, decorations, I took it all on the chin and kept coming, my raw strength allowing me to run just as fast angry as my foe ran scared.

When we entered the throne room he slowed down and screamed, "I will not be ended by a hutt!"

He turned with lightning gathered in his remaining palm, but it didn't slow me for even a moment as I connected a flying knee to his chest while cutting through the storm of force lightning with my body.

My foe gasped as his ribs shattered and fell onto his back. I gave him not even enough time to think a complete thought as I dropped the Hendo Bomb on his face, causing his head to completely explode in his hood.

As I looked down on the battered, broken, and cleaved form of Darth Sidious I could not help but laugh. Not my usual mirthful full body laugh, but a nervous, stressed, and weak incessant chuckling.

After sitting on my throne, I wept. I wept for the best sandwich that ever was and the best sandwich that ever would be. Not in a lifetime of attempts would I ever recreate that miraculous phenomenon.

This victory tasted like ashes in my mouth.

Eventually Jack joined me on the throne in her bathrobe, sipping a cup of tea.

"Would eating him help, Big Guy?" She asked as she rubbed the side of my neck where my orange scales meet my graphite plates.

"Not after what he has done." I denied in a shaky voice.

"How bout fucking on top of his corpse?" She offered.

What did I do to deserve being married to such a genius?