Come On and Grab Your Friends

I'd have to check with the mages whether or not complete envy could cause adverse magical effects, because when the rest of the Companions returned from their various missions and saw the five of us decked out in dragon gear and practicing with our new dragon bone bows, I could see them transforming like gremlins that had been fed after midnight.

After testing I found that dragon bones couldn't hold an edge worth a damn, but could take a beating and a half and were quite springy, making them perfect for armor and bows. I also worked with the scales and wing leather to ensure that our pal, Mirmulnir, didn't go to waste. All in all the fight was a substantial upgrade for Aela, Athis, Kodlak, Jack, and me.

I was so thorough with using that guy that even his sinews were used for bow strings. It made me feel like one of those hippy dippy nature guys who is all about connecting to mother earth and the ancestors and respecting the animal for its sacrifice. Fuck those guys. Nature exists to kill you and the only reason you are alive is because your ancestors were hard as fuck and did their best to ram nature in the ass every chance they got. Every time one of those asshats gets mauled by a bear or killed by a deer I laugh.

Oh mister deer, you are so beautiful and majestic. OH MISTER DEER WHY ARE YOU KILLING ME WITH YOUR ANTLERS! OH NO, AHHH!

Good times.

We were halfway through dinner listening to Vilkas and Farkas planning out a tour of the old dragon burial mounds to search for another dragon to slay when Brienne of Bruma appeared.

The girl looked much improved since the fight with Mirmulnir, decked out in warm wool clothing with fine leather boots and coat over a chainmail hauberk. She finished her ensemble with a Whiterun yellow wool cloak and a new targe and dirk with a short spear that could double as a walking staff.

"Excuse me everyone." Brienne tried to speak over the boisterous dinnertime feasting.

"Excuse me!" She shouted over the din.

"The young Dragonborn has come to Jorrvaskr." Kodlak spoke, halting the various conversations, "How can we help you, girl?"

"I've been tasked with traveling to High Hrothgar, and though the Jarl has been very helpful, I do not know the way and have heard the path ahead is dangerous."

"Then you have come to the right place." Kodlak stated, "Many of us have made the climb, and for the right price will do so again as your escort."

"I'm afraid I do not have much in the way of coin." she shook her head, "When the Jarl offered to pay me for services rendered I asked that he help me gather what I needed to make the journey."

"Then you have nothing we want." Scoffed the sourpuss Njada Stonearm, "Away with you."

Brienne looked properly mollified by the refusal, and it appeared no one else was going to stick their necks out to help the literal Elder Scrolls Messiah. Like all things in life, it is better for the giant lizard man to lead the charge.

"Some Companions you all have turned out to be." I spat quite literally at Njada who leapt at me in anger and ate a knockout knuckle sandwich for her troubles.

"I'd been told that this is where the true spirit of Skyrim lives. Honor and blood and all that." I stood up and looked around, "But all I hear is 'Where's the gold?'. When the gods damned dragon born shows up looking for help on an adventure, even one that sounds simple, are we not the people who should leap at the chance. The dragons have returned and the Dragonborn comes, the world is changing and for all time it will be remembered that the Companions refused the call of adventure. But not me. You have my axe, Brienne."

I raised up The Mule and Jack looked at me like 'You did not just rip off the Council of Elrond, you fucking dork.'

She just sighed and lifted up her longsword, "And you have my blade." She deadpanned.

"And my bow." Agreed Aela.

Soon all of the Companions had declared themselves for the journey, even Njada after she got up and declared that she hadn't been knocked out.

"Then it is settled!" Kodlak declared, full of more vigor than I had ever seen him, "Tonight you join us for a feast in Jorrvaskr, Dragonborn. And tomorrow the Companions join you for the battles to come."

Brienne made her way over to me with a pair of misty eyes.

"I came here hoping I could just convince you and your wife to help." she said as she sat down, "And now you have rallied all the Companions to aid me. I don't know how I could ever repay you."

"It was silly of them not to see this for the offer it was." I shook my head, "The adventure of a lifetime. For the coming of the dragons means the coming of Alduin, the great black dread, the world eater, the end of existence."

"The dragon that destroyed Helgan!" Brienne looked at me with wide blue eyes hinting at panic.

"The very same." I nodded, "It will be up to us to defeat him, or he will devour the whole world. No pressure."

"That seems like a lot of pressure." Brienne looked at her empty plate full of anxiety.

"Don't worry about a thing, kid." I chucked as I loaded her up with meat and a side of meat on top of more meat, "You ain't never had a friend like me."

The next morning we locked down Jorrvaskr and gave the fragments of Wuthrad to the Jarl for protection. Once more the Loot Sled proved itself when we loaded it up with the provisions and supplies needed for the journey. Mostly we were loaded down with barrels of mead, but what more do a pack of badasses need for a road trip.

"I say we keep heading west from the towers and hit the burial mound in the hot springs." Farkas insisted while Skjor shook his head.

"That will add an entire week to our schedule." The older man denied.

"Come on Skjor!" Torvar begged, "Athis hasn't stopped rubbing his dragon scale hauberk in my face since we got back. If there is a chance there is a dragon in the area, we need to take it. Otherwise that smug elf will keep being an insufferable ass."

"Even if you do get to slay a dragon, I will always have the honor of being apart of the first to do so in this age." Athis smirked at the slovenly nord.

"Oh my!" Torvar mocked, "Remind us again about how you rode Jack and Grunt's coattails to an easy win."

"You say that like you wouldn't have run face first into a stream of fire, you worthless drunk." Athis countered.

"Enough." Skjor called, "We will camp out at the towers and Farkus will run ahead to check. If he sees a dragon in the area, then we will make the detour. Now be silent before I get angry."

"Where are the horses?" Brienne asked while looking at the huge load on the sled.

I just laughed and strapped myself into the harness.

As we set out on our way to High Hrothgar we did so to the weeping and lamentations of many women as they threw flowers down on the path.

"It fucking kills me every time I see this." Torvar muttered.

"What exactly is happening right now?" Brienne asked in concern.

"Everytime they find out Grunt is leaving they put together this big sendoff!" Torvar exploded, "Like the last source of good dick has left town and they will be in morning till he returns. I've got what you need right here!" he shouted and grabbed his junk.

"What you got and what he got can't even be called the same thing!" Someone in the crowd of weeping women shouted, "Take your sad penis elsewhere, Skyrim is for smooth lizard cock!"

I snorted when I heard that racist catchphrase perverted, quite literally. Who knew sex appeal and prowess was the cure for racism? Or is it that my dick is too powerful to be tied down by petty ignorance? I can fuck my way through the fabric of reality, so can I fuck my way through the evil in the human heart? It will require more testing, and I am sure the people of Skyrim are happy to help.