1 Chapter 1

My name is Mary Elizabeth Nelson.Much of my life and muchof my story turns on the fact that I am a lesbian.Thus my initials,MEN,are ironic.Stealing from Dickens,this is my story but whether I am its hero is up to you,dear reader.

I was born on July 8,1963,in a hospital near Mill Valley,California,an affluent suburb north of San Francisco.My younger brother,Billy,was born there on August 5,1966.

I am an inch or two taller than average.My hair is jet black and since I turned forty-five any gray that might otherwise be present has been chemically repressed.My face can best be described as“stern.”It would fit well for any number of hard-woman characters that populate any number of 19th Century novels.Particularlywhen combined with my broad shoulders and big thighs.A swimmer’s body.

My father,William,went to Stanford and was a lawyer at abig firm in San Francisco.My mother,Mary,went to a small Catholic college across the Bay.She did volunteer work for our Mill Valley Church.

I knew I was gay early on.Boys never grew on me and from high school,my looks lingered on older girls.When I discovered the joy of masturbation it was always with thoughts of a girl.Or woman.Before college,I had a few make-out sessions when we were sure we were alone,but we—all well-closeted—were all terrified of being caught.Nothing but drive-bys.None got past the kissing stage.But my lips and tongue confirmed what every other part of my body knew.That I was gay.

I was a good student.Smart and clever with a creative streak.Some of my teachers recognized it.I had a crush on two or three of them.I could have gone to my father’salma mater,Stanford,but chose Cal-Berkeley.He made enough that financial aid was not happening and my parents foot the bills for my tuition and room-and-board.I kept what I earned over the summer.

Things,of course,changed when I got to Berkeley.It is there I met Laura Johnson,the first woman with whom I wasintimate.We had a class together,and I sat with her a few times in the library.After the third or fourth time there she did not pull away when my fingers happened to run across her wrist.A few days later we mustered our courage and were naked in my dorm room.About ten minutes after our clothes were off we were off.Neither of us had a clue but found our way to a sixty-nine,me on top,and we each had our first orgasm at the tongue of another woman.We repeated it a few times,but it was training-day and she drifted off to someone else and I drifted off to someone else and we became cherished memories for each other.

My“someone else”was Holly Usher.Sophomore heading to law school.Very pretty.An inch or two shorter than mewith fair skin,long auburn hair,blue eyes.My first girlfriend.We met at a dorm party where we were both bored.We did everything together for a few months but,ironically,she got bored with me and was taken by,and taken away by,a short blonde junior from Van Nuys.My first heart-break.I spent the rest of the semester without anyone steady and with only a couple of liaisons that were fun but fleeting.What are now called hookups.

I worked at a law firm over the summer.While home my father never tired of speculating why I planned on majoring in English Lit and my mother never tired of asking whether I had found a man to settle down with.My brother,Billy,was a high-school junior and we ignored one another.There was never a doubt as to who was the favorite in the family.It was not me.

I left the three behind when I got back to school.Sophomore year began much as freshman year ended.I threwmyself into my classes and spent my free time mostly with groups of friends,sneaking beers and smoking pot on weekends.On the girl front,nothing serious with the occasional weekday hookup.

One of those proved fateful.I saw Sally Ethers in the library.From Washington State and majoring,if I recall right,in economics.She was sweet and one thing led to another,as they say,and she came up to my room on an early December Wednesday.Not long after an uncomfortable Thanksgiving in Mill Valley.Sally and I got comfortable.Lying on my bed,in nothing but t-shirts—bras and panties still on—kissing.Nice kissing and I was starting to fall into her dark eyes whenI heard the knock.In retrospect,it does not make much sense,but I thought it was another classmate with something urgent and being pantsless being no big deal,Igrabbed a robe and jumped up to answer.Sally hopped up too.

I do not know which of the three of us was the most surprised.Standing there in one of her Nieman coats witha purse over her arm was Mary Suzanne Nelson.My mother.Sally was behind me,in a robe and rustling to find her pants.Me staring at my mother and she looking past me andseeing Sally rustling to find her pants,the most obviousthing in that being that Sally did not have pants on.Neither did I.I was,sorry,fucked,but not in the way I hoped.

My mother turned and walked away.I never found why she’d come.

Sally and I never did anything then or later.Her bare legs set in motion the train of events that changed my life.

It was quick.On Thursday,an envelope was under my door when I got back from class.Addressed to Miss Mary Elizabeth Nelson.A“Notice”:

Miss Mary E.Nelson,

Please be advised that William Allen Nelson is hereby exercising his right to cease providing any and all financial support to his daughter directly or indirectlyfrom this day forth.Please be further advised that he has elected to allow his daughter to remain in her current position as a matriculated student at the University of California,Berkeley(the“University”)through the end of the current semester and to continue to reside in and enjoy the benefits attendant to such residence on the campus of the University for that periodand no more.Insofar as his daughter elects to continue her matriculation at the University beyond the final day of the current term,all obligations,financial or otherwise,are hers and hers alone.

Mr.and Mrs.William Nelson wish their daughter the best in her future endeavors.