1 First Night

I look at my own reflection in the mirror; my cheeks are red, as well as my lips. I cupped my own face and check every corner of it. When I feel like I still look ugly, I washed my face a couple of times and apply some cream.

When I'm done, I turn my back away from the mirror and close my eyes. I didn't know that the first night they are talking about is totally scary and nerve wrecking. I can feel my own skin vibrating because I'm feeling so damn nervous.

First night — this is my freaking first night as a wife, as Mrs. Calyxander Lockhorst. It was funny to think that 10 years ago, I dream and wish and even hope to be his wife. But now I am here, I don't know if this is really exciting or not.

Yeah, we got married. But unlike any other relationship tying a knot because of so much love and commitment to each other, I know our marriage is not really like that. We are just a married couple — we are committed, but not totally committed to each other emotionally.

So yes, my life is kind of cliché. It's pretty common to be tied up with someone who doesn't love you. But I vow to myself — in front of him and of the Almighty, which I also recite my own true vow inside my head, that I will not make him regret marrying me. Even though I can feel he already regrets it.

I took a deep sighed before I decided changing to my not so me sleeping clothes. Instead of wearing daring nighties that I should be wearing in our first night, I wore a loose T-shirt and cotton pajamas.

He's my husband anyway. I should not ask for his attention anymore. He's already tied with me — legally. That's the only thing that matters. I'm not going to ask for more.

CALYX is out of sight when I got out from the bathroom. I only saw his laptop in the table. I glance at the veranda and I saw his shadow outside.

When I'm not yet married to him, I always cling to him, not leaving him, and always under his radar; even if he doesn't want to; even if he is already annoyed; even if he is cursing my own existence, I am always around him. Because this is who I am. Severa Trexler and now a Lockhorst.

I smiled at my own thoughts but dismissed it afterward. Never ever expected that my life would turn out this way. I am still fortunate but unfortunate in some way. I know he won't ever love me the way I love him.

Furthermore, I crawl into our bed and make myself comfortable. It was hard for me to stop myself from going outside to see him. It was hard for me to stop myself from hugging him or kissing him. But if I didn't stop myself, it means I neglected my own vows in front of him — my own kind of vow that I will never ever disclose to him.

Minutes passed, Calyx emerge from the veranda and went to the bathroom directly without looking at me. I sighed because I already expected his actions. He just waited for me to finish my own ritual, so he can do his own routine afterward — I'm not surprised with that.

But tonight, all the emotions come rushing to me and slowly drowning me. It's overwhelming that I'm scared, and I feel so lost in a way that I questioned myself — is this really worth it? It's exhausting looking for an answer that I may not like. Yet, my vow to him is the one giving me a small hope to continue with this kind of life, even if it is really hurting me inside.

I sighed as I close my eyes and recite what I promise to myself and to him. I recite my vows in a hushed voice, scared that Calyx might hear me.

"I vow, to be your wife; just be your wife. I vow to respect you, and to keep myself away from you. I vow to support you, even if I need to disregard my own feelings for you. I vow to give you peace and stop annoying you just like what I did before this day I said I do. I vow to be faithful and loyal to only you. I vow to let you go if you will ask me to. And I vow to love you even if you don't love me too."

The moment I finished reciting my secret vow that I only recite in my head earlier during our marriage ceremony, the bathroom door flew open. When his eyes meet mine, I immediately withdraw myself and got up from the bed. I get my own pillow and went to the sofa and I lay there. With my close eyes, I know Calyx was surprised with my own actions, but this is my own way of thanking him for saving me. And I will not make him feel that this marriage is a prison for him. Because I am not going to lock him up in a marriage where love from the 2 union does not even exist.