Reincarnation

'I think, therefore I am.

Many of us feel as if the universe revolves around ourselves. How could we not?

Objectively that is or rather should be wrong. There are other people having their own dreams and struggles. Some are saving up for a new car or a trip to a foreign country, others are learning for their next exam or are partying like there is no tomorrow. Objectively the universe revolves around no one.

Subjectively the world revolves around me or you, depending on the perspective. Of course, one knows how their parents or siblings tick in most situations.

One knows how the ones close to oneself would most likely react in a certain moment and if one is not a sociopath or psychopath, one can certainly be empathetic towards others, even strangers to a certain degree.

Put yourself in their shoes, as one would say. Obviously, that isn't impossible, but it isn't the same as actually being that person.

It wouldn't be wrong to say that humans are obsessed with the I. I am not saying that is a bad thing, since a bit of selfishness can safe one's life. Maybe that obsession is also one of the reasons why religious people proposed a life beyond death, in heaven or hell, or a cycle of reincarnation. That some being or existence itself judges us by our actions and calculate it in a value of karma.

Because if someone should be judged, it should be me, for better or worse. It sounds arrogant or narcissistic but most of our life we think about ourselves and what we should have done or will do in the future. How could we not think that there is something intrinsically special about us?

Everyone hopes to be special, right?

Well, I think others think like that. Perhaps they don't, doesn't matter. I know I do Now.

The first time I heard something about reincarnation was in school. Just another topic of Hinduism or Buddhism or something. Just another subject for the test. It didn't really affect me much neither did the other ideas of ancient times and I haven't really thought about it deeply until a few years later in life.

I stumbled over reincarnation again when I was getting into reading novels on the web.

It really was enrapturing as I could relate to the protagonist on a different level. A fascinating and clever concept to make the protagonist have an unusual advantage, especially when the main character is reincarnated into a known anime or tv series.

It perfectly fit into the narrative of 'knowledge is power' as well, which is usually why the protagonist in those stories try not to change the timeline or something. It is just a clever concept to reexperience one's favorite show. Well, that was what I thought back then.

As I continued reading more novels, I noticed that more authors were using this concept or at least I stumbled over them more often, be it original novels, fan fictions or even in anime. Maybe I just sought them out subconsciously, who knows?

I even started fantasizing about it myself. To get reincarnated into a world of my choosing and being granted some wishes because of some bullsh*t karmic value or because a nigh omnipotent immortal being made some basic programming errors.

I started daydreaming and read a lot more similar novel. I almost become obsessed with the idea and it occupied most of my time after I lost the finals in a national tournament. Yeah, I know.

Despite how it sounds, it wasn't that big of a deal. I wasn't that competitive about it like most participants, I just wanted to test myself and see how far I had come with my training. Besides, it was just a minor championship of an amateur kickboxing organization.

Despite that like most after that setback I was unmotivated to put my all into training. However, I got myself up and motivated again after a few weeks, so I couldn't really say that it majorly affected my life.

Reincarnation or rather reading novels in general, was just one of the minor fixations in my life and I had a lot to do anyway, which didn't allow me to delve into it more than I already had. Obviously, I never thought reincarnation would be more than a stupid daydream, but it did.

A new tournament was coming up and I was once again ready to give it my all. I ramped up my training sessions again and was going to my limits every day. I should have dialed it down a notch, at least on the short vacation trip with my parents and my brother.

Our hotel had a little gym nearby, but I thought it was a great idea to train outside as I didn't want to cuddle with other sweaty dudes in the middle of a pandemic.

I found a playground where I could do some calisthenics, shadowboxing and finish it off with a 30 km run. It was rather hot that day and I already felt a headache coming when I was 15km in, which prompted me to slow down a bit.

I didn't want to stop completely, sometimes I was stubborn like that, which quickly resulted in me feeling faint. I could feel the intense heat of the sun getting worse every minute. At one point my legs gave up on me and I fell, slowly blacking out in some random park without being able to do anything.

I never woke up again. I passed out and died of a heatstroke 10 days before my 26th birthday. A rather anticlimactic way to go, after all I was the adrenaline junky of the family. I always thought I would die because my parachute wouldn't open while skydiving, or I would fall to death while rock climbing.

Well, I Did die to the deadly lasers of our sun, the most powerful thing in our solar system, so my death was pretty epic… Yeah let's go with that.

Unfortunately, there wasn't a beautiful goddess, an old man or a floating light in a white plane/room that granted me some wishes to become overpowered as penance for killing me accidentally, because oh boy does my opinion out of a billion matter to them, I tell you!

There also wasn't any ROB that wanted me to entertain them. I didn't even get to wander the void or darkness and reach enlightenment. I didn't even visit the lamest options, heaven or hell.

At one moment I closed my eyes and in the next, I opened them again and was struggling. For. 4. Years.

I was a mess for the first 4 years of my new life. Not because I was sad about my death or anything similar, but because being an infant was difficult. I had read some novels where they wake up in an infant's body and started doing shit after their first year, meditating, reading some books or even started working on their magic or something.

They were all conscious enough to get things done. Well, let me burst your bubble.

To meditate after a year, you were born is almost impossible. I am anything but unfamiliar with meditation, however, being an infant is just too different.

Every muscle in my body had a mind of its own. I don't want to think about the number of times I hit myself in the face…

Even my thoughts weren't my own, not in the way I was used to. I couldn't really control on what to focus on, everything was equally interesting, weird and important.

Try to meditate when you think the stars hanging over your crib is the center of your universe. As if enlightenment was hanging just an arm's reach away. Although, that kind of focus is technically speaking a variation of meditation.

Either way it didn't help me regain my mental state. Additionally, everything else was blurry as hell. If a person came to me, it took me awhile to see who it was.

Oh boy, the temper tantrums were equally disturbing. Unfiltered rage, just wanting to be unleashed to the world and destroy it, just because my dad ate the last cookie.

Good thing a toddler's destructive force was limited to how much you want to piss off your mum, which equals to almost zero. I had to resort to crying with an angry face. Sometimes I just held my breath until I passed out. I still have no idea how I did That.

The nightmares were fun as well. Especially the one about my death. My death wasn't a gruesome one, but I seriously thought I would die at that moment. As a young child that wasn't my equivalent of fun. Thank my dad for bringing me a glass of milk. I don't know what I would have done without it.

Only as years passed, I was able to distinguish between my past life's and my current life's memories. It probably had something to do with the growth of my brain being able to handle more information.

But even that couldn't completely turn me into a child adult. When you think getting candy is more important, it is difficult to comprehend why I went on a diet or trained. I knew why I did it, but I didn't have the emotional capacity to really grasp my past thoughts.

I had to compare my past life with experience of my new life to somewhat relate to my memories: A bad breakup, probably as painful as dropping my favorite ice-cream. A broken leg is like a toy falling on your foot. Stepping on a Lego is like stepping on a Lego, right?

Since I couldn't really discern the difference in importance as a young child, those examples were great to organize my memories and their emotional value.

Of course, my memories did not only bring trouble. It did help me learn stuff I had already learned in my other life a lot faster. It made my parents a bit concerned, since I didn't show a normal toddler's development, but at least now they think I am normal… I hope.

Either way that was just the natural body's growth. I had negligible effect on it and only after I was able to process my memories more completely, I was able to do shit that would benefit me in the long run.

Around the time I was 4 I was mostly able to think with my head again, which was a trial in itself.

My stomach didn't fight my head for domination as often as it had for the beginning of my life and since I wasn't a teenager, the head was the one on my shoulders.

Unfortunately, I forgot a lot of stuff from my past life. Mostly stuff that weren't important to me as a person. So, most stuff I learned in school and never used was lost. If they weren't shaping my childhood or a major phase in my life, movies and tv series were lost as well. The last 3 years of my life were retained like normal memories.

So, stuff I remember depended on importance and how long ago it happened. These were my core memories if you want to call them like that. Wait, that sounds familiar…

Oh yeah, I sometimes get a déjà vu when doing or saying something. I suspect that those are my forgotten memories being dicks like: 'Hey, I existed, but I won't tell you what I am though!'

Anyway, I could completely remember my new infant years of shitting myself, so hooray?? Moving on.

Recap 4 years in, I started to discipline my brain with simple tasks like no playing while eating. Easy stuff I would be able to manage despite my body's unwillingness.

At an early age of 7 years, I was able to reign in the basics of my consciousness, although I am not 25+ me anymore, at least I can resist the temptation of sugary bliss in form of candy! Now I never beg my parents to buy more!

Fortunately, my parents were eating rather healthy, although they don't mind the occasional sweet.

Why did I go off on a mental tangent again? Right, today will mark the day of the first step on my continued journey!'