It's a Waste to Devote Yourself to Anything But Yourself

Tut...tut...tut...

The line was disconnected. Felicia gazed at her cellphone screen for a while before she decided to give it another try. She redialed her sister's number. But not even the second ring came, the call was once again disconnected.

Felicia stared at her phone screen with her eyebrows furrowed. She was pondering whether to persistently bug her sister until she picked up her call or just wait for a little later. Although deep down, she felt anxious.

Her heart was beating nervously. Her instinct kept telling her it was her little sister but then again, how could it be possible?

As she weight the choices in her heart, a 'ding' sound came from her phone along with vibration that made her heart frozen stiff. She peered at the notification banner which had just popped in her screen. Sighing, she clicked on it.

[Scarlett Ru: So, are you going?]

She gazed at it for a good five minutes. Before this text, there were also four other texts which she hadn't answered too.

[My birthday is coming up. U busy?]

[Felicia? r u there?]

[Hey...just checking if ur okay 'cos I haven't heard from u 4 a while. N' I wanna tell u about my birthday party. So, I decided on Sunday at Ritz Carlton at 6. Spare some time 4 ur bestie kay?]

Every single one of them, she left them with a cold silence, not even a short yes or no answer. When Scarlett called, her manager would be the one who answered it and told her she was busy and would not be available for a couple of days.

It was on repeat every time. But, still, she had no intention of replying her. Felicia tossed her cellphone onto the bed and walked towards her closet.

She stood in front of it folding her arms, staring at the classic neat white shirt with a black tuxedo on top of it. A simple black tie adorning the collar of the shirt. While on the coffee table, a black pants and leather belt were lied down. Beside the table, a pair of Prada loafers were sitting nicely on the velvet carpet.

It was a complete set of male outfit. All that was left was a beautiful mask to cover her face.

Felicia walked towards the white drawers below the mirror and opened the top one. There lied in a glass box, an exquisite black half mask with gold accent.

Felicia opened the lid of the box and ran her delicate fingers on the cold surface of the mask. This whole idea of masquerade party drew her in a different sense. The thought of concealing oneself for her was instead the opportunity to reveal her true-self.

She wanted this...so much. But then again, the risk that she was taking was equally heavy.

"I won't tell you no. Because for me, a celebrity is also a human being. I know how much you've already given and sacrificed for your career. So, just this once, I'm telling you to live for yourself, not by how the society defines you."

The scene of her manager talking to her and pushing the glass box of the mask towards her replayed in her head. She had been in a dilemma because of this. She didn't want to let the people around her down because of what she wanted to do.

This job that she loved, the fame, the screaming of the fans, she loved them all. She built this with everyone and to let it be crushed with a small mistake that she did just because she couldn't control her feelings would be selfish of her.

Thus, she thought it would be better for everyone to just let it passed. Even without it, without...this feeling, she could still live, couldn't she?

Her manager voice resounded in her mind again. "Losing your real-self, is that what you call living? You concealing who you are is the same thing as living a lie. In any case, is it so bad to be a little selfish sometimes? It's not like it's a big event. It's a masquerade ball. You can be whoever you want. That is the point. That is the beauty of a mask."

Felicia let out a heavy sigh. She clenched her fist. But she couldn't. Just imagining what would happen if she was found out, it would be a catastrophe. Her families, her friends, her fans, and even her beloved little sister, they would be disappointed in her, wouldn't they?

She couldn't bear to lose it all. She would go crazy.

With all her might, she rejected her desire. Her overwhelming emotions, it should calm down by itself eventually. She just needed time.

Felicia turned around and walked out from her room. She went straight to her parents room. But before she could make it near the door, she heard a loud slap and the sound of someone falling to the floor. It was then followed by Nicholas shouting, calling her mother a slut.

Felicia's whole body flinched from hearing her father's angry voice. She quickly made her way to the bedroom and was about to open it when she heard her mother snapped back.

"You want to know why, right?? Don't regret this! It's because he cares for me!! He doesn't fuck me like I'm just some woman!"

Felicia was taken aback. Her hand released the door handle as she took a step back. Her face instantly turned pale. It was as if her feet were rooted to the ground, she couldn't move an inch, her body refused to budge.

"You said I'm a slut?.....Then what that make you, Nick?!"

It was silent. Five seconds had not yet passed when another loud slap was heard. However this time, Felicia was sure that it wasn't her father who initiated it but her mother because after that, Anna's hysterical scream was heard.

"Answer me!!"

A drop of tears escaped from Felicia's eyes. Once again, she turned around. She walked back to her room. She picked up her phone and redialed Ivy's number. But yet again, there was no answer.

With a little bit of strength left to hold herself back, she buried her face onto the bed and all her tears poured out into a soft muffle sound. She broke down completely.

She knew it herself from long ago, ever since she was a kid, her family was not a family. It wasn't a place to come home to. This big luxurious mansion was a place of survival not living. And the people who came with it wasn't someone to seek comfort to, not even her parents. None of them were fit enough to the title of "family".

Whenever her friends would tell her how jealous they were of her being born into the Young family, having fortune and connections with the elites and the first stepping stone for her career that she did not have to worry about anything else, she would always, without fail, laugh at their face.

And of course, none of them understood what was the meaning of that laugh. They just assumed she was being proud and laughed out of shyness. That was what people do, wasn't it? Assuming.

That was what they did best. Without understanding anything. She knew she couldn't fault them but why did they talk about it as if they knew everything?

It was all a lie. It was facade. It was an illusion that her great grandfather had made to conceal what was within, what was behind that prestigious name of the Young family. But they talked about it as it was the fact and eventually, it became the truth. That was what she loathe so much.

After that, the most ridiculous thing was that her opinion was always disregarded. They thought she was just joking whenever she revealed something bad about her family. When was it, she wondered, when lies became believable than the actual truth? Was it because it was too sad, too painful to become the fact?

She didn't know and perhaps, she would never know because she herself had been living with that lies all her life and co choice but to live it because she carried the name in her blood.

Felicia squeezed her chest, fighting back the tears while trying to relieve the pain in her heart. She didn't want to cry. If she could, she didn't want to shed a single tears for this family because they were not worth it. She would not be hurt by her family. She would not let herself to.

'C'mon Felicia, you promised yourself, didn't you?' she encouraged herself deep down.

As her mind tried to cooperate with her logic, a fragment of memory rolled in and a familiar voice rang in her head.

"We always have a choice. But we say otherwise because...it's easier to just run away...from shits in life."

Felicia stopped crying. She lifted her head and paused for a moment as if she was digesting every word of that sentence which was spoken by her sister. She then turned her head towards the direction of the closet.

"Is it so bad to be a little selfish sometimes?"

Felicia blinked her eyes. She clenched her grip on the bed linen.

Ivy smiled while caressing the flower petal. "Live a little, Sister. Because everything in this world is subjected to time, even history is forgotten. Can you honestly say that what the book and the translator said are the complete truth of the past?"

"What I'm trying to say is that everything will eventually end with time. So it's a waste to devote yourself to anything but yourself. You seriously don't have to give a damn on our family. It's not your responsibility and they're already sucks from the start. It's not like they're gonna change because of you."

Felicia understood that it wasn't the same as this issue because that was when she talked to Ivy concerning the family. This was however a whole different thing. But nevertheless, the point was her sister was right, she needed to live for herself and stopped caring for other people opinion.

Therefore this time, without any hesitation, she grabbed all her clothes and the mask as well before making her way to her car leaving all the drama in her family mansion.