26. Let Me Take Care Of You

Javin's whole body trembled like a wet kitten in the rain. His face was as red as a ripe tomato and his lips were swollen.

Forth stared at the young man with amazed eyes and stroked the sweet red and wet lips that had just been released from his clutches. He rubbed the surface of the lips with his thumb and planted a kiss on the sharp edge of Javin's nose.

"Javin, I ... it seems ... I fell in love with you," Forth muttered without taking his eyes off Javin.

Forth's hand grabbed Javin's waist and brought him closer to his hip, while the other hand gently stroked Javin's lips, cheeks and neck.

He sniffed the young man's neck, whose eyes were now filled with tears. "You're not even sure about your feelings, Phi," Javin said softly.

He stared blankly at Forth's collar. "I'm scared of everything I'm feeling right now. I've never felt like this before and to be honest, this whole thing is really upsetting and distracting."

Forth grabbed Javin's chin. "I'm hesitant, because I've never felt anything like this before either. I never knew what my sexual orientation was even at my age because I've never really felt my desire aroused the way you are right now. You're a man, just like me, but I don't care, because for me these feelings are more important than our gender. However, I also have a promise that I must fulfill, with someone from my past and that makes me giddy."

Javin looked down and rubbed the corners of his wet eyes. "I know, Phi. That's why I can't take a step closer to you, because I'm afraid I'll get my heart broken. I've never been in love before, you now is my first time, but at the same time I feel heartbroken too. This confused me."

Forth kissed Javin's forehead softly, then kissed the corners of his eyes, feeling the tears that could collapse at any time and flow down Javin's smooth cheeks.

"Baby, can we not label the feelings we are feeling right now? Would you like to go through it with me first without having to put any names or titles?" whispered Forth in a doubtful tone.

He cursed himself mentally, realizing how selfish his words were. However, he didn't want to lose Javin from his sight and Javin's attitude of building a guardrail around him the past few days really tormented him.

He knew he shouldn't treat Javin arbitrarily, because this beautiful young man in his arms was really fragile. He wants to fully reach Javin, but his promise in the past to the one who saved his soul cannot be ignored. He is in a dilemma.

Javin looked up and looked at Forth with a gentle and understanding gaze. "Let's just leave it like this, Phi Forth. I don't want to force anything on you, because even though right now we have the same feelings, I don't know what it will be like in the future, especially if one day you find your lover. I'm the only one heartbroken."

Javin put his hand on Forth's chest and looked up to kiss Forth's chin. "I don't want to be called someone's lover thief."

Forth took Javin's hand and held it tightly. He took Javin to the living room and sat him on the sofa, facing him.

"The person I'm looking for is not my lover," Forth said in a gentle tone. "Actually, I didn't even know who that person was. I was only twelve years old then and I think she was six or seven years younger than me. She accompanied me through lonely nights with her bell-like voice, telling me about many things, and sometimes -sometimes she also comes during the day when I feel hopeless and promises to tell an interesting story if I survive until the night."

"That's why you like the night so much, Phi?" asked Javin carefully.

"Yes. The nights make me feel calm and comfortable, safe and happy too."

"That person carves a very deep meaning to you."

"Maybe. At that time I was able to survive because she always accompanied me to pass the time. When I was finally free, she was not with me and that's why I promised myself to look for her again."

Javin squeezed Forth's hand. "Have you experienced something terrible in your past, Phi?"

Forth nodded with a gloomy face. "Yes. Some of my memories of that time are fading, but my fear of outdoor activities during the day cannot be eradicated. I can only feel comfortable doing activities at night, because I feel comfortable and safe at that time. That person, at that time, always accompany me at night. So, that made me feel like in debt to her and apparently it still remains until now. Then you came and became the second person to make me feel the same way she gave me in the past."

Javin let go of Forth's hand with a sad face. "Yes, Phi, I know that I am only second person and I can't expect more, especially if one day you finally find that person."

Forth took a deep breath and rested his forehead on Javin's shoulder. He closed his eyes and felt like the meanest person in the world, realizing the truth in Javin's words. He was too confused to think straight. Javin reached out and ruffled Forth's hair.

"Phi, let's just leave it like this. I am your current personal assistant and I am very grateful that you gave me so much more than I should have. For that, until the time my work is over, I will accompany you and take care of you as best I can. I promise, I will not bother you with my personal feelings and I will leave without demanding anything from you, but right now, I just hope that you don't force yourself to feel anything for me, no matter how much you want, because I'm afraid you'll turn to hate me when you find that person from your past."

Forth raised his head and looked at Javin with questioning eyes, slightly confused by Javin's words.

The young man smiled. "Let me take care of you for now, Phi. I will be whatever you want, as long as when my work contract ends and you are still on your quest, don't stop me from leaving."

"But, Javin, I don't want you to go anywhere. You have to be with me."

"I will be with you, untill my time as your assistant end, because we have no future together. Just promise me, don't stop me from leaving if someday you find her. Ok?"

Without waiting for Forth's answer, Javin grabbed Forth's chin with his index finger and thumb, then kissed Forth's lips softly. "Just kiss me for now."

***