Chapter seven: Hesitation

~~~When you love someone, you'll do anything. You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain. You'll shoot the moon, put out the sun. When you love someone, you'll deny the truth. Believe a lie. There'll be times that you believe that you really fly. But your lonely nights have just begun, when you love someone~~~

-Bryan Adams-

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"Where have you been, Samantha?"

That's the first question my brother asked me the moment I entered the living room. I think he had just come out of his room on the second floor as I watched him taking the last steps of the stairs.

"Don't you know that I nearly lost my mind trying to call you? I haven't got asleep since last night because I'm waiting for you!"

I just took a deep breath but decided to ignore his question.

"You haven't even try to send a message just to let us of where you are."

"Us? You mean, Dad and Mom arrived from their out of town trip?" My eyes focused on the second floor as if I am expecting one of them to come out and go down the stairs.

"No, they haven't arrived yet, but don't worry, I promise to tell them your stubbornness and the crazy things you've been doing."

I just bit my lip and once again, chose to stay quiet as I lowered my head.

Stubbornness and crazy things.

I don't know if I can really hide the truth or until when can I hide it from them.

"How come you've been selfish lately, Samantha? Didn't you think that all of us here, even the maids were worried about you? I even blamed Jack for calling me to pick you up from your friend's house and then I found out you two were just lying!"

"No! Don't blame her, Dale, it was all my fault. She didn't know where I was. I just asked her for a favor to call you."

I'm not sure if what I heard from him was a sigh of relief, but he immediately covered it by asking another question again.

"So where were you last night?"

"Uhm..."

"Where did you go last night?"

"I can't tell you, I'm sorry," I said running towards the stairs but he immediately grabbed my wrist.

"You can't tell me---what the heck is going on, Samantha?"

"Let go of my hand, Dale, I'm tired."

"Ohh... what did you say? You're tired? How come a spoiled brat and stubborn little girl like you feel tired?" sarcasm was laced in his voice.

Spoiled brat. Stubborn. Selfish. Those words keep ringing in my head and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't tell him to shut up because deep inside, I know it's all true. And every time I imagine how Luke's angry eyes stare me, it penetrates down my soul, it hurts and brings back the tears of guilt I've already shed since I left that room.

"What did you do last night?" He asked me again, but it's more serious this time.

"I'm sorry, Dale..." I started, swallowing the lump inside my throat. "...I'm sorry if I lied if I didn't send you a message last night and for making you worry. And I'm sorry if you can't always understand me because I'm stubborn and selfish."

"What the heck---what are you talking about?"

"Yeah, I'm a brat...always. I always make you embarrassed in front of your friends and playmates and I always make you mad. I'm sorry because it's me, a sister and not a brother that you wished from mom 17 years ago. And I'm sorry for not being a perfect sister."

I tried to blink the tears that formed around my eyes, but I failed. So I had to run upstairs for him not to see me crying.

"Wait! Samantha!"

I stopped. There's something I forgot to tell him.

"Dale..." tears are now flowing down my face. "I really wanted to tell you what happened last night, but I guess in a few hours or maybe minutes from now, there's someone who would call and would tell you everything and I'm sorry. I know you'll hate me once you know the truth, but believe me, it wasn't on my plan and it wasn't my intention."

After the last word came out of my mouth, I didn't wait for his next word. I immediately run upstairs and to my room, ignoring him as he tried to call me and follow me outside my door.

I locked my room and dropped my tired body including my exhausted mind and bleeding heart on the bed and let those tears flow freely on my face. Wetting my pillow and even my bed.

How can explain to them what I've done? And if I did, would they believe me or like Luke, they will just laugh and get mad at me? Well, can I blame them? Can I blame Luke?

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One month later at the botanical garden of the university...

"Sam."

I was too busy watching the two students of my same age laughing and teasing each other, that I didn't notice Jack was calling me.

"Sam?"

Maybe the guy was throwing some corny jokes and the girl was really enjoying listening to him. They were sitting across our bench, eating junk food and sipping their favorite juice drink. So common and simple, but they look so happy. Love shines through their eyes and I couldn't help feeling envy.

"Samantha!"

"Huh?" I was pulled back from my thoughts when she flipped her fingers in front of my face. "Oh, I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

But instead of answering me, she just asked me another question.

"What were you thinking about and you suddenly came out of your thoughts?"

"Nah, I was just watching those two lovebirds. They seemed so happy." I pointed the couple using my lips.

She just threw a quick glance at the two before leaning back against her seat.

"Are you okay?"

I couldn't help but laugh at her question.

"Of course, I am. What kind of question is that?"

"Well, it's kind of a question in which you just have to answer with a simple yes or no. So answer me, are you okay?"

"I've already answered your question, Jack, and I've already said yes," I said laughing.

"Hmm..." she nodded and then stared at me as if she were analyzing my facial expression.

What is wrong with her?

"Okay, let's change our topic. Anyway, are you really okay after what happened between you and you know...?" She just shrugged instead of mentioning Luke's name.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I sighed. "At least I learned my lesson." I smiled and she nodded, trying to copy the forced expression that painted on my face.

I took her hands that resting on the table.

"Jack, I forgot to say sorry."

She frowned. "Sorry? Why are you saying sorry? I mean, what's that for?"

"I'm sorry I dragged you to my mess. I remembered how my brother spoke to you and told you that you're just lying to cover me that day. I'm sorry."

"Oh, come on, it's nothing and don't worry, I've handled your arrogant brother so well." I chuckled when she winked at me.

I told her everything that happened during that night, from the time I called her, the pennies I gave to the dickhead bartender and to my failed plan.

"You lied to me that day, remember? You didn't tell me you only wanted to take pictures."

I nodded, lowering my head.

"Yeah, I'm sorry."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, honestly, what I told you was my first plan. I wanted him to be mine, but later on, I realized that I couldn't do it. I just couldn't, so I changed my plan and decided to proceed with plan B, which was 'operation to stop Luke's wedding' by sending our pictures to his fiancee. But I didn't know that it would turn into something like this."

"What did he tell you? Couldn't he remember what really happened that night?"

"I don't know... maybe." I shrugged.

"Don't tell me that until now you haven't told him the truth?"

I sighed, shaking my head. "For what? It's as if he would believe me."

"Well, at least try. Remember, there's no harm in trying."

"No, it's okay. It makes no sense to try or explain the truth if his mind was already closed. For him, I was the one who's at fault for what happened which is true, because I planned it and asked the bartender to put something on his drinks---"

"But you trusted him and didn't expect him to put a sex-enhancing drug on Luke's drinks instead of just a sleeping pill. So in the end, It was you who drunk it and ended up groggy in bed. While Luke almost turned to out to be a sex maniac that night but technically speaking, he raped you."

"No, Jack! He didn't rape me. I also gave myself willingly, besides, I told you I was the one who planned it in the first place."

"Jeez! You were only 17, not even 18, so it means you're still a minor. And if you're not going to tell them the truth, he will forever believe that you were the one who made the first move."

"Well, I really don't have plans on telling him. It's better to end it this way because I don't want my parents to know about it. It's already safe in a box, so let's just keep the box locked and hide the key carefully. The less person knows where the key is, the less it will reveal."

"But Sam---" she was interrupted when the campus bell rang. "Argh! Damn it!"

"Let's go to our next subject." I chuckled, gathering my things on the table and stood up immediately so that she could no longer complain.

But the moment I took the first step, dizziness surged in me and I almost lost my balance if Jack hadn't grabbed my hand.