39 39 Some cry, some laugh and some... are Damian

"Of course you didn't! Your sexual orientation doesn't matter at all!" hotly assured Damian, and every word he said carved its way into Rafał's heart. "Everyone has the right to be who they are and it has nothing to do with work! It was Różycki who made the mistake, because he should have informed you well in advance what kind of scene he expected. He can't blame the actor for not being able to fulfill his whims immediately. An actor is also a man who needs time to get into the mood of the scene. I asked, because if Róźycki didn't know, the way he treated you proves he's an incompetent asshole, but if he knew, we could talk about intentional discrimination and…"

"He didn't know" quickly repeated Rafał blushing even more. Did Damian really not mind that Rafał was asexual? Did he not find it funny? "It's not something I would brag about to others."

"I understand," Radosz admitted. His voice was natural and his smile was warm, not mocking. "Thank you for trusting me enough to say that to me. It must have been difficult for you. I really appreciate your honesty and your trust."

Brylski blinked, still unable to believe he was hearing these ordinary, normal words of acceptance. There was no laughter. There was no scoffing. There was calm conversation and thanks for trust. But...what does it mean?

Does Damian really treat him so... naturally? Doesn't he see Rafał as something inferior because his infirmity takes away something that is inherent in almost every human being? Is Damian really so wonderfully noble? Or maybe... maybe that means Rafał's secret isn't so terrible after all?

But Tomek, who had mocked him so much, laughed so hard...

"You don't mind?" wondered Brylski. He had to make sure. He had to understand why Damian Radosz wasn't laughing at him.

"What, your sexual orientation? Why would that bother me?"

"Well because I..."

Rafał didn't know how he should say it. In fact, he didn't even know what specifically he wanted to say. He was just extremely surprised that Damian was treating him habitually.

After all, people rejected every otherness, every disability. That's why Rafał had been hiding since he realized his handicap and only told Anita about it, who then cried, and Tomek, who laughed...

"Ok, I'll agree that it can pose some difficulties when playing certain scenes," Radosz stated. "But it's nothing you can't learn. You know, as an actor. After all, an actor who plays a serial killer doesn't kill people just to get into character. Am I right, or am I wrong?"

Something strange appeared in Rafał's heart. It was relief, gratitude and joy but also something else that he couldn't define because he didn't know this disturbing but pleasant feeling.

"Yes, of course," Brylski admitted enthusiastically feeling as if wings were beginning to grow at his shoulders. "I'm sure I'll learn how to act out scenes like this..."

"Don't be so eager," laughed Radosz, but it was not a mocking laugh, but a simple, natural one. "You must finish The Fifth Capital beforehand, and there can be no eroticism here."

"Really?" quipped Rafał feeling the little bunnies hopping merrily in his heart. "I think you were explaining it to Różycki, but I was..."

"You had something else on your mind. I understand. I'll explain everything to you, but how about over a beer? This pub looks interesting..."

They were already on the street where there were several pubs with tables displayed outside under sprawling umbrellas advertising various brands of beer. The wind, which had picked up a bit, was moving the canopies of the umbrellas and the branches of the hanging geraniums whose red flowers decorated the fences of the pub they were heading to.

"All right. Suits me," agreed Rafał eagerly.

His heart grew lighter and lighter, as if those happy white bunnies had got their wings and wanted to fly all the way under that overcast sky and chase the clouds away to bring the sunshine back to earth. But Rafał didn't mind those clouds, which didn't bother him at all. On the contrary, they made this evening look exceptionally beautiful. So when he and Radosz took their seats at the table, Brylski could no longer hide a happy, relieved smile. He was so afraid, so ashamed to tell Damian the truth, and yet his whole confession seemed to make no impression on Radosz at all? Why?

Rafał's discovery that he was asexual was not an easy experience for him. For a long time Brylski did not understand what was actually happening to him, but he knew something was wrong. When he was a teenager, he felt no physical or emotional attraction to any person. His friends had been buzzing with hormones, telling each other how sexy certain girls were, how they wanted to kiss one of them or go on a date with her, but Rafał didn't see anything sexy in them and had no fantasies of getting close to any of them. Yes, the girls were pretty and had some physical qualities, but they didn't turn him on.

It is not that the teenage Brylski felt absolutely nothing physically. When he watched erotic scenes in a film, he felt arousal, similarly, when he read books with such scenes. He also had fantasies and had dreams, just... never about any particular person. His friends had wet dreams about girls they liked or famous actresses, and Rafał had never seen this woman's face. Nor did he have any sense of knowing who she was.

These were no fantasies about completely random sex with a complete stranger. They were just fantasies about sex. How to say it... about the act itself, without context.

Brylski knew something was wrong with him, that he was different from his colleagues. He was completely different. But he was already an experienced liar who could blend in like a chameleon. So he joked with them and pretended to understand when they praised the sex appeal of any of the singers or actresses.

The anxiety grew, however. Rafał decided to check the Internet and that's how he found out about the existence of asexual people. This newly acquired knowledge did not make him feel any better. On the contrary, as a sensitive, gentle teenager, he felt great pain at the thought that he would not be able to experience some beautiful closeness with another human being. It was really sad and difficult for him.

Struggling with his problem and the pain that came with it, Rafał decided to confide in his best friend, Tomek. Tomek laughed at him and started calling him impotent.

Tomek's laughter reminded him so much of the laughter he had heard as a child...

Tomek had hurt him really deeply, all the more painfully because he was the first and only friend Rafał had. The first person besides Anita whom he had dared to trust. As it turned out, trusting Tomek, Brylski made a serious mistake for which he had to pay later. Tomek didn't limit himself to laughing in his face and started spreading ugly rumors about him.

But Rafał knew how to lie too well. He turned the rumors into a joke and it even turned out that it was Tomek who had a problem.

Luckily, it was the last year of high school and Rafał went to college. He never saw Tomek or anyone else from his class again.

Hurt by the false friendship Brylski did not dare to trust anyone anymore. He kept his secret only for himself... and for Anita, who had confessed her love for him, and whom he could not deceive and give her false hopes. He confessed to her that he was asexual, so he felt no sexual attraction to her or anyone else, and would stay that way forever.