1 Depression

In my life I have witnessed many things.

Memories that became stories hazily blended into lost fragments of my mind. Faces that became clear as glass in my eyes and faces that blurred in my heart. I've lived long enough to experience heartache and grief yet I'm still too young to fully understand the weight of the world in front of me.

There is so much knowledge to learn but perhaps the inability to soak it all in at once is consuming me. I have lost so much time in a world that time means currency and currency equals everything. I grow more tired each and every day that passes, watching as my eyes close slowly more and more. Having a smile on my face but when you look into my eyes you can see an age that isn't mine.

When I look at nature I become so engulfed by its beauty, Captivated by its charm. Always failing to realize what legacy I will leave behind. The physical body has limitations but the spiritual mind is hidden behind the naked eye. There is so many words that I want to say and so many things I want to do but in the end of it all can I really push through?

I feel myself slipping away with each second passing.

My once vast mind closing in on itself.

Will someone look back and read this one day and understand the thoughts I have to say? Or will this be another poem lost in the depths of my life that will never see the light of day?

Will I still be alive to read this again next time?

I finished writing and closed my notepad as I put my pencil down beside it. I let out a long sigh and got up from my chair as I stretched my arms. Walking towards the door of my room I could hear my brother laughing with my father in the living room. Before I could open my door I heard my brother yell,

"Sis come out and watch this movie with us, It's really funny!"

I smiled warmly for a moment thinking of him then a wave of depression hit me and I stopped myself from turning the knob. I placed my head on my door and let out a silent muffled cry for a few moments before returning my composure and opening the door with a smile on my face.

"Coming! What are you guys watching?" I walked out to the living room where my family was and as they talked to me with smiles on their faces their voices faded and I barely could hear the words that they spoke. My sight started to fail me and I watched as my vision begin to blur.

"Sis, hey Rose? You okay?" My brother said as he grabbed my hand.

I snapped out of my mind, "Huh? Oh I'm sorry honey, I must be tired" I said as I gave a weak half-hearted smile. He hesitated and looked at me suspiciously before deciding not to push me on it.

"Are you two just going to stand there and look pretty or are you both going to come watch this movie? I'm not going to keep it paused forever you know," my father said in a joking way to lighten the mood.

I laughed and ruffed up my brothers hair and spoke as he tried to fix the damage I had done, "come on silly lets go watch this movie already."

"My haaaair! I'll get you back for this mark my words!" He said as he pouted and sat down on the couch arms crossed.

I sat next to him and smiled warmly ready to spend some time away from my thoughts. Little did I know that this moment would be the last time I would be able to see my family happy like this again together.

Everything happened so fast after that day. Weeks passed that turned into months, my depression getting worse. I was losing my grip on reality, every moment that passed felt heavier and heavier. I disconnected from my friends one by one and my family.

My brother tried to reach out to me from behind my locked bedroom door more frequently asking me if I was okay and that he missed me. Sometimes I would answer, most times I would pretend that I wasn't home so he would go away.

The world grew darker in my eyes the more I cried myself to sleep every night. I felt so scared and so lost like I was falling in an endless pit. The feeling of being swallowed whole, to never see the light of day again. I felt like I had lost control of my own being. I stopped noticing the days that would pass without eating, every time I would pass my reflection I would pause and gaze at a reflection that I no longer recognized.

In my gut I knew, I had come to grips with the fact that my time was nearing and I had accepted my fate finally.

I couldn't tell you how my last moments went. My vision was lost in my last moments. I could only hear the screams and sobs of my brother and then my mother and father as they burst through my doors.

I could only feel the strong hold of being lifted and the frequency of how fast the air hit me as I was carried outside and rushed to a hospital. The heat of the rays hitting my skin in what feels like the first time in a very dangerously long time. People shouting and trying to keep me conscious. Hearing the sounds of the heart monitor as it started to slow down until finally it came to a stop.

As I let my last breath escape my mouth, I shed a tear. I could tell you I smiled at that moment. For the first time in a long time I finally felt... free.

Could things have ended differently if I had opened up to my family or friends?

Could I have been helped if people had noticed the signs sooner?

Life is a short and precious concept, not everyone is lucky enough to be alive.

Everybody needs someone to help lift them up when they feel like all is lost, If you know someone who shows signs please reach out and let them know you are here for them.

You never know,

You could save a life each and every day.

FIN