1 My Past

"Come on babe, I really need you to help fill in a spot tonight, my boss said he'll pay the person in double who finds a replacement for the employee who got injured within the next twenty minutes," my best friend Hyung Jung pleaded.

I rolled my eyes as I painted strokes of white under and over my clouds as highlights. Placing the fine-tipped paintbrush aside, "And how much would I get paid?" I asked as I walk over to the sink to get a new paintbrush.

"Gurl, I don't know, normal pay I guess, five hundred dollars," he scowls. So this idiot gets paid a thousand, no way in fuck!

"I want half of that five hundred," I say sitting down on my stool and dip the paintbrush in red paint.

"Bitch Yasss! I'll phone you later for the details but it's happening in two days and you'll need to pick up your clothes today or wait, I could just take it home with me," he says.

"Yes roommate, you could just bring it home, you know my size," I groan.

He hangs up and I get back to my painting. The landscape of my painting is almost done and ready for my exhibit at the university.

My phone buzzes again catching my attention. I turn my head and frown, it's my ex phoning for the eleventh time today and its only ten in the morning. Sliding my finger across the screen, "What do you want, Hong Joong?"

"Why haven't you been answering my calls?" he asks evidently annoyed.

"What don't you understand about breaking up you ass?" I ask him.

"Don't call me an ass Cha Dae Ryeon," he demands.

"No, fuck you, and if you don't stop phoning me I'll report you to the police for continuous harassment!" I say while chucking my paintbrush down.

"I didn't mean to do what I did Dae," he says.

I get up from my seat and pick my phone up, "So what? You didn't mean to force me to have sex with you? You didn't mean to be a piece of shit and emotionally abuse me? You didn't mean to run to my fucking parents and tell them that I'm gay? You didn't mean to choke me unconscious and fuck my body! You didn't mean to tie me up and let your 'straight' bastard friends rape me while you watched and laughed while I pleaded for you to stop and instead of listening to me you gagged my mouth to keep me from screaming?" I ask highly frustrated, angry and upset as the horrible memories run through my mind.

My body trembles as I keep myself from sobbing while my tears fall. Hong Joong sighs into the phone and says blandly, "Dae, look, I know what I did was wrong and I want to make it up to you, you know I lov…" he starts and I end the call not wanting to listen anymore.

I love him with all my being. He made me depend highly on him and need him as though he was my oxygen. If it wasn't for Hyung Jung who came to visit me while he was out, forcefully pack clothes for me, break my cell phone and drag me away with the help of his ex-boyfriend, I would have probably been dead by now.

I turn my head as I hear on my door. I turn around and find Won Il, Hyung Jung's boyfriend standing at the door in loose fitted sweat pants, no shirt on and his arms folded across his chest. I hang my head ashamed with my eyes closed and hear him walk over to me.

His strong arms wrap around my body and hug me tightly. His hand rubs up and down my back soothingly as he kisses the top of my head, "I heard you all the way from Hyung Jung's room, are you okay?" he asks and I shake my head.

"That ass phoned me again, I think I need a new number, I don't know how he got it but he just won't stop and leave me the hell alone," I complain and melt into his arms.

"We'll just buy you a new one, for now, let me keep your phone in case he calls again and I'll deal with him, okay?" he asks as he tilts my head back and looks into my eyes. I nod my head slowly and accept the kiss he places on my lips.

He pulls away and grins at my frown, "When are you leaving?" I ask him which he rolls his eyes.

"I got laid last night, I'm waiting for him to come back for round four," he says proudly as he drags me out of my studio to the den.

I step out of my denim overall and sit myself down on the couch. He goes on about sports after he switches on the t.v and as usual, since I'm a light sleeper, I fall asleep for a few minutes.

I wake up to the sound of moaning and screams as I lay on the couch. I look around and find that it's already night outside. The t.v is off and I switch it back on to check the time. It's a little after seven.

I get up and head to the kitchen, there's Chinese take away put to one side and after opening it, I see that it's my Chicken Chow Mein.

The two ex-boyfriends' stop fucking around eleven and in walks a wobbly Hyung Jung who plops his sweaty ass down next to me and lays his head on my shoulders, "Hey babe," he greets and puckers his lips up for me to kiss.

I stare at his lips and contemplate my life decisions because I know if I kiss his lips, its second-hand dick sucking and I don't like that idea, "Kiss me when you haven't sucked his dick," I say and he chuckles lightly due to his exhaustion.

"I heard that ass phone you again. I said to Won Il that I think its best if we get you a second phone with a new number so that you don't have to give it out again because we know some bitch gave him your number just to work on our nerves," he says which I agree to.

I shrug and cuddle closer to him, "That sounds better. Did you bring the clothes?" I ask and he nods with a yawn.

"Yeah, the dinner starts at eight and you, well me included, we have to be there at five sharp," he says and we both sink into the couch and fall asleep.

I wake up a few minutes later as I feel myself being lifted and carried. Opening my tired eyes, I see that it's Won Il. He places me down on the bed and pecks my lips. After rubbing his nose against mine he kisses my forehead and closes me.

I close my eyes as I remember how angry I was at him for taking me away from Hong Joong. I hate both him and Hyung Jung for taking me away from the man that I loved. I was told that he was a drug and if I kept on taking him I'd overdose and die.

It sounds ridiculous but it's true and I only realized it after I was sent to counselling. Another thing I hated was the fact that Hyung Jung and Won Il got my family involved; I never told them I liked men because both of them hate gays, what made it worse was that my father's brother is gay and the two brothers aren't speaking, mostly my father since he sees gays as abnormal.

I was so scared and confided in my uncle who advised me to stay quiet for the time being until I could stand on my own instead of telling my parents than getting kicked out of the house which brought me here.

Hong Joong was angry at me and always threatened that he'd tell my parents about me if I didn't give him what he wanted or disobeyed him. I was working late on a painting for an exhibit and lost track of time. That same night he went to visit my parents and the next thing I knew, I was called home and told to pack my shit and leave.

Hong Joong was so happy and pleased with himself and that's when everything took the wrong turn. I moved in with him and the abuse, mentally, physically and emotionally began. And when Hyung Jung along with Won Il contacted my parents, they weren't cooperative at first until my sister and brother paid me a visit.

I was refusing to eat, I looked like shit, I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I banged my head against the walls to the point where I fell unconscious and when I woke up, I beat the nurses and doctor.

My parents came to see me in the hospital which angered me into hatred. I blamed them for kicking me out and forcing me to live with that asshole. My mother was a crying mess and my father had dread written all over his face.

I didn't want to go back to them and my uncle offered to house me in the comfortable home he and his boyfriend owned. I lived with them for a few months, got myself in check but I haven't really spoken to my parents after they visited me at the hospital.

My siblings visit me every chance they get though and it's comforting in an annoying way.

I realized that after what happened between Hong Joong and me, that I don't know what it really feels like to be happy and in love, everything up to the end of our break up has been a lie – a lie that lasted three years.

And all I want is to be loved.