14 M&Ms

"What! Is! That!" I hurl another comment on the disgusting food in my mouth. My stomach flips like it's been mixed terribly with a blend of milk and lemon. My face may have looked as if it had been disfigured.

"It's Reese's peanut butter cup! Everyone loves it." Alex protests. The chocolate and peanut butter mashes inside my mouth and some sticks on the top of my mouth or jaw or whatever! It's there in my mouth and I can't get rid of it. I attempt to bring my tongue up to scrape it down, but it sticks there and it feels so chalky, like it's choking me!

"No, no, no! I think I'm gonna get sick." I tell Alex in a rush, and hurry to the toilet. He follows after me and apologizes profusely as I puke my guts out into his toilet bowl.

"Sorry, I messed up your bathroom. But really, that is gross, now I've lost all the skittles that I've just eaten!" I apologize, but grudgingly.

"I've still got M&Ms. Those are good, I promise." He looks guilty so I decide to drop the fact that he literally just poisoned me with a chocolate slash peanut butter candy. It reminds me of that one time I ate a peanut butter bun and the mushy bread in my mouth made me empty my whole stomach full of cereal from breakfast.

"Okay." I move to the basin and wash up while he walks back to the kitchen to give me some time to clean up. I splash my face and move my face back up to gasp for some air. I wonder if this was how Gemma felt... like she couldn't breathe... like she just wanted to die but her lungs just kept asking for oxygen.

I walk back out, a little traumatized but refreshed.

Alex greets me at the couch with a huge bowl of M&Ms. "Are you trying to get me diabetes?" I frown at him and he laughs.

"Join me." He invites me to sit beside him, while offering me a tiny, round shaped chocolate. I take one and crunch on it gratefully.

"Mm." I sigh. This is good. Definitely better than the Reese thingy. Alex observes me as I swallow each tiny chocolate one by one, feeling the satisfying crunch as it cracks into pieces and melts in my mouth before slowly sliding down my throat. Alex smiles and nods to the bowl of chocolate, "My favorite. Just like skittles, but I don't get sick of em like I do with skittles."

"I prefer chewy candies." I tell him and he nods, agreeing.

"We'll get some next time. My sisters love hairy bow." He offers and I nod at his effort to satiate me, but then I freeze.

Hairy bow?

"What's that?" I stare at Alex, waiting for an answer. Alex smiles and shrug. When he sees that I'm not joking, he frowns, "What?"

"Hairy bow." I rewind to when he said it. He pauses for a long time before cracking up in laughter.

"No! No! It's like, a candy brand. They sell all those gummy bears and gummy worms, ya know?" I take a while to process my thoughts.

I think Gemma used to buy them from the grocery shop near our house. She'd bring packets of it into my room. Then, she'd use them as bullets to attempt shooting into my clothes. I remember how I'd giggle every time she'd yank at my shirt and throw them into my T shirts to cheat. Sometimes it gets stuck in my shorts and I'd try to remove them, embarrassingly. Henryk even caught me doing that once.

When she succeeds, I eat them, if not, she does. Sometimes, she misses and loses the candy and we'll get scolded by mum for bringing food into our rooms. That is, if mum finds the abandoned candies. Most of the time mum does, if not, I'll find them and throw it out for the stray dogs.

I nod at Alex and point my painted index finger while moving my wrist in this up and down motion. "Ahh... I see." I reply just as Alex turns his attention back at the television screen.

We are at the second episode for Mission Impossible. More specifically, at a scene where Ethan Hunt kisses Nyah Hall in a far too passionate manner. They're definitely doing deeper, more uncomfortable things tonight.

But...

They're in love... and that's different. Different from my perspective from when I was five. They love each other, and they don't mind each other's company. They love each other, and they would want to do something, something to knot their lives together, and that's good. Good for them.

This is precisely why I can't move on... I'm tied to my past, and even if I find someone else I truly love... a lifelong companion... the past won't stop haunting me, and it has successfully managed to haunt me till now from since I was five.

"Yuck." I complain and stand from my seat. Alex chuckles but his eyes remains glued to the screen. He has no shame at all, I thought. Unlike me, I find an excuse to leave, "I'm gonna piss, you have fun intruding their privacy eh."

"Oh I'm fun. That I can assure you." He mocks and then watches as the couple rolls onto a bed. "Aww yeah." He cheers excitedly, "Take her, mark her, own her!" His voice drains out after a while.

I shake my head in laughter and walk towards the bathroom.

—————

I turn away from the mirror feeling very much refreshed. I stand before the door my hand on the door handle. I take a huge breath before turning the knob.

The door flips open and I step out.

"What's up?" Alex's voice scares me half to death. He is standing by the doorway of the bathroom waiting for me.

I jump a little before regaining my voice to answer him. "I'm fine, it's nothing." I am suddenly aware of how nervous his presence makes me.

Very nervous.

Somehow, I find that I feel more alone with him now than before, when we were watching the movies.

"What took you so long? I missed you and you missed the most important part of the movie." His shadow looms over me and he feels so close to me all of a sudden.

I gulp and reply, "It's fine, let's go back out and you can rewind that for me." Unexpectedly, he shakes his head and steps forward, touching his forehead to mine.

He whispers into my face, "I'm a little desperate here."

"Figured that." I manage and gulp. His forehead detaches from mine and his lips make contact with my lips. He moves his lips and mine parts willingly, he deepens the connection and I suddenly feel uncomfortable thinking of the word 'kiss'. My mind drifts to his eyes, now closed, then his nose... and then my eyes closes too.

Alex laughs all of a sudden and say into my mouth, "You are heavily coated in M&M flavor." I laugh and his hands slips into mine and his body pushes me to the wall. I take the chance to breathe and I suddenly wish my mind isn't narrating this.

Gosh, please tape this instead.

He pins me to the wall and we stay like this forever, only our lips move, like we are talking to each other with our mouths connected together. He finally pulls apart and announces, "Almost satisfied." One of his hands let go of mine and I open my eyes to catch him staring at me.

His breathing is heavy and he is looking at my lips that has a sick smile cracked open on it. His other hand yanks me back to the living hall and I'm glad he doesn't speak after whatever that had just happened. His hands around my shoulders as we resume the movie is all it needs for me to fall in love with him.

I watch as Ethan does something weird and fails which made Alex laugh. Or the time when Ethan punches some ugly man and Alex cheers. Or when there's a plot twist and Alex yells, "Oh!! Swiss twist!!" Sometimes, I hear Alex faking a Russian accent and I'll laugh out loud, unplanned. Then, he would stare at me with a loving gaze, not gonna lie, and I'll get so heated up I'd wish I didn't exist.

However, I keep feelings like this to myself and forbid myself to tell anyone. It's between you and me, mate.