Can I keep holding on when I’m at my limit?

There is nothing in this world I want more than leaving. I'm upset that right now I am not who I want to be. I'm upset that I cannot have what I want. There is nothing in this world that is free, I know that perfectly well but why is that I don't want to achieve anything? Even though I know my problems would be solved if I did.

My resolve is weak, I am weak. Nothing is handed to someone who does not try and achieve. Despite what I believe and think, I still cannot comprehend what life is. Do I not try, do I not want because there is nothing that will ultimately fix what is wrong with me?

There will be a day where I regret how I am now, but that day is not today. Today is a time of longing and sadness, I desire a change but cannot become that change, why? Why do humans want change? Why do they desire? I don't understand. I have no understanding of humans or myself in that sense. I wish for silly things, like passing a test or wishing we had no homework but there is no big wish, there is no hope.

I crave understanding from someone, I crave for a miracle but miracles do not exist in this world. The world is bleak yet so broad, there is so much but so little. In this large world will I find someone who can explain how I feel, someone who can put into words what is wrong with me. Within me there is nothing but emptiness and darkness, there is a void that cannot be filled.

There are many place I want to explore, many discoveries I want to unravel, many bookstores I want to visit but the shackles are heavy on my body, they tighten around me. What can I do but yearn for something out of my grasp.

There is nothing I can accomplish and there is nothing here that makes me happy. When I speak of not continuing an education I'm not lying, there is nothing in that route that will fill the void. Why should I pursue a route that will do nothing but make the void bigger, I want and I crave but I do not want to fight.

I'm tired, I slave myself as a good student and try and make it seem like I am okay but there are times where that facade falls and I want someone to reach out. I don't know if it will help, because the void that I want filled is empty from the start. I don't know how to start and I'm not sure I want to.

I want to escape the place that wants more than it gives, should I contribute to a country that does not care, should I have to sacrifice my life and career for others, there is no point in working, yearning and hoping when there is nothing at the end but death?

There are worse things than death, and I do not want that I want to escape and to escape from the shackles is to die. How can I have someone understand what I feel when the people around me will dismiss it as fear? Perhaps they're right yet I still feel empty.

I think of death a lot and no matter how I see it, it scares me. The unknown scares me so much, that it drags me down, I hate the uncertainty of my actions and I hate not knowing if I try would it amount to anything.

My heart hurts and I'm at my last breath, I cannot mark my skin for fear that someone will know. They will know how broken I am for what I cannot accomplish.

There is nothing In this world that I desire more than hope and guidance. But will that really help me become whole? There is uncertainty and I don't like that. I want to be fixed but my fear of unknowns and uncertainty outweigh the good.

My youth is slipping away and as I grow older I am expected to known everything. I am expected to have a job, go to school and settle into 'adult life'. I am not blunt so the state of never knowing will always remain, as long as I am silent I am contributing to my own downfall. And as that continues I am scared of breaking and becoming someone incapable of fixing.

There is nothing that ties me down to this life and world of mine. I wake and live and work as a student but soon that will be gone, my resolve will be gone and I continue to be scared.

To me, I do not live but exist. There is no completion to me and I am closer to extermination than anyone. Not once have I ever heard, "you are human and it's okay to feel like that" but if I were to hear it I would laugh, how can someone who does not feel human be okay to feel that way?

Will I find an answer to my questions? Or will I die before finding out the truth?

I'm scared and helpless, I do not want to exist but I cannot do anything but suffer in silence.