Chapter 49 - The most important decision

All of our bravery was quickly shattered as soon as he responded to me in earnest.

"There is no plan." His face was a mix of many emotions, feeling the weight of it all breaking his back. It was let down after let down. After having found out so much, I had thought he would have discussed with others what the best course of action would be, but he was telling me otherwise. He was a child in the body of an adult, torn between what would be best for the people of his Empire and what his heart was telling him. On the one hand, I was in the perfect position to be sacrificed for the safety of everyone else but on the other, he was too weak to live with that guilt. It wasn't a decision he himself could make because he feared having to take responsibility of either one. I'm certain his father had already decided to throw me aside. No matter how close we were, even I could see that it would have been the smartest choice. Despite that, he didn't have the backbone to ask such a thing of me. Worried if I agreed and worried if I didn't, he wouldn't be able to have such a conversation with me. He was far too weak for the role he had to uphold. False bravery would not get him very far and that's exactly how he ended up here, unable to make any decision for himself. He was waiting for someone else to take hold of the reigns, for life to sort itself out without him needing to lift a finger.

In his indecisiveness, I was tasked with the decision that would undoubtedly shape the future of the Empire. In the unspoken words that were exchanged between us, I could hear his inner conflict begging me to provide him with some sense of relief. He wanted to be released from the prison in his mind, even though he knew I was the last person he should turn to at this moment. With everything that was happening, I was perhaps the most broken of all but his eyes were asking me to mend him. I was in thousands of piece yet it was him asking me to make him whole again by taking on what should have been his responsibility. Though I couldn't blame him entirely either, it was partially my meddling self who was at fault. I couldn't help but want to relieve him of this burden by taking it on myself. At least then he wouldn't have to struggle with the guilt; he wouldn't have to look in the mirror only to be faced with a murderer day in and day out.

"What did His Majesty have to say about the situation?" I asked the question though I was almost certain of the answer. Mostly I asked just to avoid the awkward atmosphere filled with his self loathing.

"..." The silence confirmed it all, I was to become a sacrificial piece in all of this.

"I understand. Don't worry." I took a deep breath before continuing. Now was the time to make my choice so instead of being rational and thinking everything out, I acted on my gut instinct, knowing that if I delayed it any longer I would continue to go back and forth until I came back to the same point of indecisiveness.

"I'd rather we continue with my sentencing. Just let everything happen as your father wants, and believe that he knows better than us how to run and Empire It's not your fault... I just don't think I'd be able to live with the blood of others on my hands, so I'm seeking an easy way out." My smile did not reach my eyes but I was doing my best to ease his struggles. He could do nothing but accept my good will, knowing that he had weaker knees than I. His short visit ended quickly with knocks on the door signifying the end of our conversation.

"I'm sorry... Goodbye." He was a broken shell of a man by the end of our conversation. I didn't have it in me to respond to him properly, aware that this would be my last time speaking to someone I held dear again. I was afraid that saying goodbye would mean that the conversation had truly come to an end, so I let it live in ambiguity in this room. When neither of us remained, it would continue within these four walls until the end of time. I watched his retreating figure disappear behind the door before I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding.

Back in the cell that had become a home for me and my tragic thoughts, I sank into my emotions. For the next couple of days I remained like that, trying to convince myself that this was the right thing to do. In the grand scheme of things, wasn't it much better to lose one person than countless? One part of me told me that I had made the right choice but another was aggressive and incessantly yelling at me to be selfish. My thoughts always came back to the same question, 'What kind of person am I?' All of my life I struggled with the question. It was subjective and perspectives varied from one extreme to another, but I couldn't figure out which one should be my priority or which to believe. Whether I was a good person or a bad one was not easy to answer. I served myself on a platter for everyone to see. I wanted to be as I was, unbending for anyone, but who was that? It wasn't something that made sense, but one part of me begged me to be selfless while another fought for freedom. The deciding factor was going to be based on how things would play out tomorrow. That was to dictate how I would go down in history. Those living in the future would be able to answer the question that I had struggled with my entire life, as the answer wouldn't come into existence until I was six feet under.

I have always been contradictory, the two sides of me refusing to ever agree on anything. Wasn't it strange that my selflessness and freedom couldn't coexist? Every single situation I had been in made it so that both sides of me were constantly at a war, unable to sit together amicably. The universe had made it so that it would be so. The light couldn't exist without the darkness. In the same vein, I couldn't force myself to become one. Like water and oil, one part of me was wandering aimlessly around the other, unwilling to merge and allow me to gain a sense of identity. I was the only question in a sea of answers. Everyone had their own direction but I was stuck in place, one leg moving forward while the other pulled me back. No matter how hard I tried to avoid it, I was ripping at the seams for all to see. I was still counting down the days as best as I could. Soon I would be truly open so that everyone could finally see what was living with me. Soon the public could be enlightened to the fact that my body was rotting from the inside out so I was only living in the eyes of others, but dead in the darkness where no eyes could see. When the crowd would disappear and everyone would close their eyes to my existence, I would pass by with the wind, disintegrating.

Reminiscing on my past, I remembered that quite some time ago I had resolved to never sacrifice myself for anyone else ever again. I was adamant to live my life as myself, to put myself first and treasure my future. All of the promises I made to myself were shattering around me as I had to face reality with clear eyes. My meddlesome nature had meant that I was struggling more than anyone else. I knew I was weak but chose to carry all of the weight by myself. As everyone usually says that your life flashes before your eyes when you're nearing death, I found myself thinking over everything I had experienced. That I, who was once the embodiment of rage, was able to experience so many things was astonishing. Who would I need to thank for having been able to live in this way? Would it be I who opened up to others or would it be others for providing me with a place where I could be myself, whoever that was? Well, what would it matter? It was all imaginary anyway. All of my past days, and the present that was becoming the past the further it progressed, they were all imaginary. None of it existed at the moment. The very moment that time would brush past me, everything that had happened previously ceased to exist. The me of the past and the me of right now, we're washing away like writings on the sand.

Thinking about it properly, I decided that I was just as weak as Helios. I was stubborn but that could only get you so far. It wouldn't have helped me decide what part of myself to listen to. So what else would I be able to do? Of course it would be to follow fate, to do nothing. Right, if I didn't do anything then everything would play out as it was supposed to. I was destined for this end. Going with the flow was much more natural than trying to swim against the tide. The second I would stand still, the wind would naturally blow me towards the destination that was made for me. The future that I haven't experienced yet but have experienced in the past, it's just ahead of me. Time is intertwining until it no longer has meaning and all that makes sense is the here and now. Right in front of my nose was the purpose of my existence. Though I've been doing everything I could to change course, I ended right where I was bound to. I've gone through too much and not enough and in the end, there was no right answer. Perhaps no matter what I did or what turns I took, all routes led to this moment. I was still bound by this unseeable force. I can't help but laugh at the thought that I somehow believed I would be strong enough to defy fate. How could a single person do anything to defeat something so formidable?

Now that I had accepted that, there was little sadness left within me because that's just how thing were. It was out of my control and that at least made me feel better. A few years ago I would have thought the opposite but things had changed, I had changed. Even if it was only natural for me to be executed, at least I was able to decide why. I didn't fall victim to the darkness that was within me, and stayed true to my beliefs and morals. Living my life trying to convince myself that I was good enough to deserve to live, I avoided anything that could taint my self image. Hurting others was not something I considered myself capable of in the slightest, and that's the difference that mattered to me the most. The original Persephone should have genuinely been the perpetrator but I could stand here with certainty that I was not her. I was not a person that would attempt to murder someone for something as fickle as love. I didn't have faith in a lot of things, as forever doesn't exist, but I had faith in my selfish wish to be happy with myself. In doing so, I knew that I had worked tirelessly to create the perfect image of myself. Rather dying a traitor, wasn't it much more attractive to die a hero?

Ignoring what tomorrow may hold, I wanted to go to sleep with good feelings. I wanted to feel the happiness that I had accumulated over the years, to reward myself for having survived until now despite the countless times my mind had tried to convince me to do otherwise. Since I could remember, I've been in a never ending battle with myself just to exist, and I could finally put an end to it. I could let things happen as they would without trying to force myself to act against it. I wanted to live naturally. While I laid down and allowed the darkness to lull me to sleep, I felt proud of all that I had accomplished. To me, it was almost impossible to imagine that people would believe in me, or more so that I would have people I could believe in. It was as though the world and I were constantly separate from another but somehow, before I could realise it, I had found that we had accepted each other with no qualms. The world was living within me just as much as I was living in it. Though no one would know the true extent of everything that I had suffered through, I no longer needed them to. Having death so close to me made me understand that the validation of others was worthless. What could it do for me if it couldn't even save my life? I was just happy that until the very end, I could hold onto the love I had planted and grown. I was able to experience colour in the world and that was what mattered to me right now. I had lived well enough to have felt truly alive.

Time remaining: 1 night